When I woke up the next morning, I heard the doorbell ringing
downstairs. I hadn't even gotten out of bed yet, and I hadn't planned on
doing so for another ten to fifteen minutes. But my mom called my name
from the living room. "Gabe, honey? You have...a visitor." A
visitor? What the heck does she MEAN, I have a visitor? The way
she said it, I almost began to have visions of a police detective coming
to haul me off to jail or something. I got up, patted my hair down a
bit, and put on a pair of red sweatpants and a white t-shirt. I checked
the mirror for a second to make sure I wasn't TOO terribly
'sleep-ugly'...and then left my room to come to the bottom of the
I carefully peeked around the corner to see who it was, and I saw Jason
sitting on the couch while my mom brought him a Sprite. "Aww, Mom...it's
just Jason." I said. "Sighhh...come on..." I told him, and he
stood up to follow me back to my room. The weird thing is, my mom had
such a weird grin pasted on her face that I had to do a double take to make sure she wasn't having a stroke. What the hell is THAT about?
"I wanna talk to you." Jason said, closing my bedroom door as soon as we were inside.
"About what?" I sulked. I can't say that I was really angry with
him and Summer, but it still doesn't erase the fact that I feel
completely mortified by yesterday's boobytrap. I slumped back down on my
bed, feeling the heat still radiating from my pillow. I could SO go back
to sleep right now.
"Dude, don't be difficult, ok? You KNOW that me and Summer were just
trying to make things...I dunno...better for you, or
I had my eyes closed, and sighed out loud. "I know you did, Jason.
Just...don't do it any more, ok?"
He was quiet for a second, and he asked, "So...I mean, what did you
think of him? Niles, I mean."
"He's fine." I said.
"Just 'fine'?" Jason moved to sit on my bed with me. "I mean...you
thought he was cute though, right? I'm not gay or anything, but I
know cute when I see it. I think he's...you know...nice looking and
stuff." He paused for a second. "Girls like him a lot." He paused again,
waiting for me to say something. "Guys REALLY like him..."
"Can you just...stop, please?"
"What? Come on, you can't tell me you weren't at least a LITTLE bit
attracted to him."
Finally, I answered. "Of course I was attracted to him.
He's...he's fucking incredible." I groaned, not wanting to really show
him any enthusiasm at all. When I opened my eyes, Jason was grinning at
me. "And don't you DARE tell him I said that! You got it? Or Summer, for
that matter! I'll totally never speak to you again."
"So...do you think...you might wanna...." Before Jason could finish,
there was a light tapping at the door, and my mom asked if she could
She peeked her head in, and at first she had her eyes closed. Then she
opened them and saw Jason and I sitting on the bed talking. She smiled
again and came in to bring us a small plate of bologna and cheese sandwiches. "I
just figured you boys might want a snack." She walked across my room and
set the plate down on the bed, and then stood there and grinned at us for
a second or two without saying anything. What the hell is UP with her today?
"Ok...I'll be right downstairs, if you need me. Or...you know, if you don't." And she winked at me.
Even Jason was giving me a weird look now. "Ok, Mom...thanks." I said, a bit lost.
"How's your mom doing, Jason? Good?" She asked.
"Um...yeah, Ms. Logan. She's great." Jason answered.
"Good to hear. You make sure to tell her that I still have that new
margarita recipe if she wants to have another girl's night out
some time soon." Then my mom, with a cheesy smirk, walked back to my
door and left. But came back a second later and opened my door again.
"Why don't you two just...leave this door open a crack. Ok? Just...get
some air in here, or something." She propped my bedroom door open and
then walked back downstairs again.
Jason gave me a crazy smirk and said, "I think your mom has been 'test
tasting' that margarita recipe a bit herself this morning."
"Dude, don't even ASK me what that's about. She's being wacky
"So...back to what I was saying..."
"Jason...I know what you're gonna say. And...forget it. I mean, Niles is
way out of my league. I'm gonna embarrass myself."
"What are you talking about? Are you crazy? GO for it, already!
What are you doing?"
"I don't even know if he's...like...right for me."
"You just SAID he was fucking incredible."
"YES! Yes, he's like...insanely incredible! Like, in a super gorgeous 'everybody on
the planet should BE so lucky' kind of way! But..."
"But WHAT?" Jason interrupted, and I sat up in my bed. "Gabe,
look...Niles called me yesterday, and I'm TELLING you, he's like totally
"NOT whatever! He asked me if I was sure you didn't have a
boyfriend already. He didn't really come right out and say he had a crush or anything, but
he brought you up like FIVE times! And he was usually smiling
when he did it. That's with you being all quiet and antisocial! Imagine what he might think if you were chill and just gave him a bit of your teen mojo, dude!" I got up from the bed, this weird vibration of sudden
fear surging through me like a steady current of electricity. "Gabe...I
think he...you know...wants to ask you out or something."
The fear inside got worse, and I started to pace back and forth nervously. My breath coming in short gasps.
"That's ridiculous. He only met me one time. I mean...did he SAY
that he wanted to ask me out?"
"Well...no. Not exactly, but.."
"So, if he didn't SAY that, then what makes you think he wants to date me? Huh? You're just guessing, right?"
"Dude, I don't think you have anything to worry about." He said. Then he
looked at his watch. "Shit, I've gotta get out of here. But here...take
this." He handed me a slip of paper, and it had Niles' phone number on
it. "Give him a call sometime this week."
"JASON?!?!" I shouted. "Give him a call??? What the fuck is WRONG with
you??? How did you GET this???"
He gave me a strange look, wrinkling his forehead at my reaction. "He
gave it to me. He thinks you're cool, dude. He wants to meet up again
at the cafe this weekend, and he wants you to call him to set it up."
"I'm NOT cool! And I'm NOT calling him!" I panicked, feeling my heart
pounding in my chest as I tried to slow this whole situation down long
enough for me to think.
"Suit yourself. But me and Summer are going. And Niles will definitely
be expecting you to be there." Jason said, getting up to leave. “It would suck if you disappointed him.”
"Disappointed who? I never said that I would be there. YOU told him that I would be
there! This is YOUR fault! You just tell him I can't make it."
"You've got his number now, I don't. YOU tell him." Jason said and walked
out of my room.
I chased behind him. "This isn't a JOKE, Jason! I mean it!"
"Don't worry so much. It'll be fine. Come by, we'll have apple cider,
share a few laughs..."
"BYE, Ms. Logan!" Jason shouted to my mom in the kitchen.
"Bye, Jason! Say hi to your mom for me." She said.
"You'll be great, Gabe. I promise." He said, opening the front door and
trying to escape my wrath before I found a way to make him change his mind.
"Summer sent you here today to aggravate me, didn't she?"
But as he walked down to the sidewalk, Jason just grinned at me and
said, "Nope. Actually...she didn't. Later."
Arrrgh! I slammed the door shut! Why did he DO this? What are they doing
to me? Niles doesn't really like me, does he? I mean, LIKE ME, like me?
What did he say? He wants me to call him? For WHAT? FUCK! Now I'm more
confused than ever!
"You ok?" My mom asked.
"No. Actually, I'm pretty far from ok. I'm about as screwed up as I can
get right now without actually being committed to an institution." I sighed and leaned
back against the wall, closing my eyes while trying to suppress the terror
inside just long enough to breathe again and figure a way out of this.
"I think I understand now." My mom said, and stood beside me. "You know,
hon...sometimes relationships...they can be difficult. But, when you
love someone...and they turn out to be a good friend too...you can
really make things work out for the best." I opened my eyes to look at
her. She was being weird again. "When you're close to someone for a long
time, and those feelings grow into something more...it can be hard to
move from one emotion to the other. There are going to be some 'bumps'
along the way..."
"Huh?" I said. "What are...?"
"It's ok, honey. Jason's a good boy. You two have been close ever since
you met. I should have known you two were more than just friends."
WHAT??? "Oh Mom...NO!" I said.
"It's alright! Really. I always thought that Jason was a little
bit...well...'you know'. But hey, I understand, he's cute. I think it's
sweet. And if you guys ever want to go upstairs and...make out or
whatever, I'm cool with that."
"But the door stays open, and your clothes stay on. I don't want you two
thinking that you can just..."
"Mom! Stop! Please! I am NOT in love with Jason. This has nothing
to do with Jason. I swear." I said.
"You can tell me, you know? You don't have to keep it a secret. I
know how to keep my mouth shut."
"Believe me, Mom...if I ever had the good fortune of getting Jason
Marshall to be my boyfriend, the LAST thing I'd want you to do is keep your mouth shut. I'd probably run through the streets naked, shouting it
out to anyone who would listen, myself." I told her, gently rolling my eyes.
"This situation is...a bit more complicated than that."
"Do you want to talk about it?"
"I wish I could. I just...haven't figured anything out enough to talk
about it yet. I just need some time to think. Ok?" She nodded, and then
pulled me toward her to give me a kiss on the top of the head. She
started to walk back to the kitchen when she heard me snicker quietly to
myself. She peeked back around to see what I was laughing at.
"Hehehe, did you really think Jason was gay?" I giggled, and she smiled
with a soft blush in her cheeks.
"I didn't say that."
"Well you implied it."
"I didn't...what I said was...I thought you were going to your room to
think." She chuckled.
"I'm gonna go to my room and think about you letting me and Jason 'make
out' on my bed with the door open. That's what I'm gonna think about. Hehehe...geez, Mom..." I said, laughing as I ran upstairs
before she could throw something at me.
While a normal school week would slowly glide by like a ten ton glacier
in the Atlantic...the first few days of this particular week zoomed by
in a matter of minutes. It jumped from Sunday to Wednesday so fast that I couldn't
even blink without losing a few hours. I attempted to keep a mask
of total calm on my face, even though I was literally hysterical
on the inside, not knowing what the hell I was going to do about this
coming weekend. What's even worse, every day that I came home from
school, Niles' phone number was right there staring at me angrily from my desktop.
Hounding me. Haunting me. Silently nagging me to call him already and get
it over with. Then, after chickening out completely, I'd push the urgency of it out of my mind and try to go
back to school the next day, pretending to be normal again. But trying to hold
this panic down in the pit of my stomach without letting it show was
about as difficult as trying to hold down an angry cat in a bathtub of ice water without getting wet.
He's waiting for me to call now, isn't he? Sighhh...I don't think I've ever been this stressed
out over some cute boy before. What am I DOING to myself? Am I going bonkers or what?
Summer and Jason made sure to remind me every single day that they were
going back to the cafe. They even said that they might even make a
weekly habit out of it. Just for the 'four' of us. But I didn't give in.
I never once let them think that I was actually going to show up on
Saturday. Even when they pushed, Even when they teased. I didn't care. I
already made a fool out of myself last time, and if I screw up a
second time, he's just going to write me off as an idiot. He's got to know that he can do better.
You know, you would think that this kind of thing would get so much easier
when you were out of the closet and actually found another gay boy to
relate to. You would think that having all the signals in your favor and
actually being somewhat infatuated with some gorgeous dream boy who
supposedly likes you back would be a gay teen's ultimate fantasy come
true. But...the truth is, I don't think I've ever been more scared of
anything before in my entire life. This was like Armageddon to me. I didn't
know what to do, what to say, how to dress...I could hardly tell left
from right in his presence. How in the name of Christ am I supposed to
appeal to a boy who's so...so...immaculate in every way? It wasn't so much that he
was unnaturally beautiful, or that he had a wit and charm about him that
melted your heart within ten seconds of being in his shadow, or that he has
inspired every heart bursting mind-blowing emotional orgasm that I've
had since the second he came to sit down at our table this past weekend. All
of that was intimidating, sure...but more than anything I found it
It was the fact that I just...wasn't. I wasn't ANY of those things! At
all! How the hell am I going to be enough to keep him even MILDLY interested in who I really am as a person? That's the REAL test. It's like having God Himself tell you that it's up to you
to save the entire planet from certain destruction. I mean...what would
make ANYBODY think that I had the brains or the power to DO that? I
just...I'm not sure that I can ever be anything other than a total fuck
up in his eyes. And frankly, to even dream that I could live up to his
expectations the way he's already exceeded mine...well, it's
But the day had come where I had to make a decision. I could either NOT
call Niles, and NOT show up on Saturday. Which...looks like a rejection.
And I'm pretty sure I don't want that. I doubt I'll ever get a second shot at something so special. So unique. I could NOT call, and THEN
show up on Saturday. Like a surprise or something. But that's going to make me look like an asshole when
he asks me why I didn't call. Like, I didn't want to talk to him. You know? Or...you know, I could just...you know...like...call.
That option seemed to have the highest fear factor of them all, but the least amount
of consequences for later. So, even though I was gritting my teeth and
frustrated with Summer and Jason for even putting me into this
position...I decided to go through with it. God...just THINKING about
talking to that boy again makes me breathless.
I just remember sitting on my bed, staring at that stupid phone in my room...tapping my fingers on the back of a CD case. I
must have laid there for 45 minutes or more before I even got the
courage to pull the phone onto my lap, and even then, there was another
twenty minutes of doubt. I kept watching the clock, knowing that I'd
have to call before it was too late. I just...I was so nervous that I
could hardly sit still. I had absolutely NO idea what I was gonna
say after I said 'hello'. I doubt I'd have the courage to say anything even if I had them written down on a piece of paper in front of me. I was gonna have to do this sooner or later. I
had to admit, I did want to see him again. I just...would rather duck
behind the bushes outside of the cafe and spy on him through the window
without being noticed. It would be so much safer than having to
interact with him, face to face. Ok...I'm going to give this try. I'll keep it short and to
the point, and then I'll hang up. It's no big deal, right? He's just a
boy, Gabe. He's just a boy.
I reluctantly picked up the phone, and dialed his number, which I had been staring
at so much for the past few days that I practically had it memorized. Is
that his handwriting? God, even his handwriting is cute. Oh SHIT!
It's ringing! Don't pick up, don't pick up, don't pick up...
One ring, then two, then three...good. Maybe he's not home. "Hello?"
Came a voice on the other end. His voice. That awesome angelic voice,
with that twinkle of an Irish accent. "Hello?" He said again. OK...THIS
IS TOO MUCH!!! I hung up the phone instantly, and leaned back on my bed,
my heart feeling as though it were being crushed in a vice. Jesus...I
can't believe that I just called his house! STUPID!!! Arrrgh! I can't believe
I just hung up on him! Ugh! That's even worse!
I squeezed my eyes tight in self disgust,
and pounded my fists on the bed while kicking my feet. Dammit! What the
hell am I DOING???
Then...the phone rang!
I nearly jumped out of my skin when I saw Niles' number on the caller
ID. Oh God!!! Oh God....what do I do??? Well, I HAVE to pick up! He
KNOWS I'm here! I just called him! I should just...well, I could maybe...FUCK!
I picked up the phone, and tried to keep my voice from shaking.
"Gabe?" Omigod...it was him! Damn, he sounds so hot! Shhhh! Ok, ok...stay
"Hey! Did you just call me?" He asked.
"Um...yeah. Yeah, that was me. I thought...I thought maybe you weren't
home or something." I said, so wiggly that I had to stand up and move
around to burn off some of this extra energy that was suddenly filling
me up inside.
"I'm sorry. I was actually just comin' out of the shower when you
called." I immediately jerked my arm and accidentally dropped the phone in
the empty trash can next to the desk when he said that. I cringed from
the noise, sure that he was wincing on the other end of the phone as
well. "Gabe? Are you still there?"
I picked the receiver up out of the trash and hit my forehead with my
palm for being so stupid. "Yeah. I'm here. Sorry. I...uh...dropped the
phone." I shut my eyes again. God, that must have sounded so stupid.
"It's alright. Listen, I talked to Jason and we were thinking about
going back to the cafe this weekend. I thought...well I wanted to know
if you were gonna join us again." The way he asked was so...'normal'.
But it had a cute little hint of sheepish modesty to it, and I suddenly
found myself getting hard just hearing it. Not from any sexual
stimulation or dirty thoughts...I think it was fueled just by the thrill of talking to him
"I...I thought...I might. Well..I probably will...drop by, or something.
You know...for a little while." I was trying to speak while my whole
biological make up was going haywire. It's him! It's really him! My tongue felt like it was twice its normal
size, making it hard to articulate much of anything. And my lungs felt
like they both had 20 pound weights tied to them.
"Awww, just for a little while? Why not longer? I kinda liked talking to you last
"Yeah?" I said, my hands trembling.
"Yeah. You make me laugh. You talk about real stuff. It's refreshing. I had a really good time spending time with you guys." I was breathing so shallow
that I thought I was gonna lose consciousness any second. "I look
forward to maybe getting to know you a little better. It'll be fun."
"Y-y-yeah...fun." I said. “Well, I'm sure that I could stay for a little while. Just to hang out...”
"Wicked!" He said, and I sat down on my bed for a second, until my legs
started shaking and I had to stand up again to pace some more. "So,
Gabe...is this your home number? Can I call you here if I need to?"
"Um...uhhh...yeah. This is...my number."
"Great. I'm writing it down now. I want to talk to you some more." He
said, and I sat down in a chair for a few seconds more. Then that
jittery sensation got to be too much and I had to stand up again. "So,
how are you? We didn't get much of a chance to really talk the last time.
Well, 'alone' I mean."
"Alone...?" I whispered meekly.
"I wanna know so much more about you, Gabe. I hope you don't mind, but I kinda
pushed Jason to give you my number. I'm really happy that you called. I was worried that you wouldn't." I
felt my stomach quivering, and tried to continue pacing as my knees went
weak. I had to use my free hand to reach out to the wall and hold
myself up. I have never felt this way in my life. And he was making it
so much worse. I didn't think I could handle this. My body was
fluttering with a thousand butterflies at once. Not just in my stomach,
but madly flapping their soft wings under my skin. In my arms, my legs,
my neck, my chest. I was nearly choking on infatuation at this
"Maybe later! You know what, I've gotta go!" I said out loud in some
kind of bizarre outburst that I wasn't really expecting to take hold of
me that quickly.
"You've got to run?" He said, his accent making me so wiggly inside that
I nearly folded in half. "Now?"
"Yes! I've got...a TON of stuff to do! And...and...well, just a ton of
stuff. Like...to do. Like...right now. So I'll see you this weekend, right?" It was like my mouth was
running on some kind of adrenaline packed rocket fuel, and I
couldn't stop myself from babbling.
"Oh...well, sure. This weekend then. I guess we can catch up at the cafe." He
said softly. So softly. Hearing his voice was like wrapping yourself up in silk,
and it gave me goosebumps. It was so sexy that I felt like I wanted to
cry from the honor of having him share it with me. None of my emotions made any SENSE at that moment. It was
like a hundred different emotions all crashing into each other at once at light speed.
"Well, I hope to see you soon." He said, a bit confused.
"Sure...soon. Great! I love it! This weekend! See you later, BYE!"
"Bye..." But I barely heard him as I swiftly hung up the phone and
slammed myself, face down, on the bed. Trying to
catch my breath and keep myself from screaming out loud into the cushion of a nearby pillow!
"Shit! Shit!!! Omigod! Oh wow...." I whispered to myself, panting in a frenzy of emotional turmoil. I was literally making myself dizzy from breathing so hard. I
let the phone drop off of my stomach and it fell off the side of the
bed, hitting the floor. I reached both of my hands up to my face to hold
my cheeks together as my smile threatened to split my head open!
Ok...ok...so I sounded like a big psycho, and I TOTALLY freaked out in the
end...but I TALKED to him! I really TALKED to him! And he wants
to talk to ME some more too! And he wants us to...'catch up' on stuff. My
God...what is this FEELING inside of me right now??? It's like...shaking
me to pieces! I heard myself giggle a bit, and had to cover my mouth to
stop. I rolled over on my side, feeling my whole body tingle from head
to toe, and buried my face in my pillow. Then...as if I couldn't help
myself any longer...I screamed into it! I laughed at the sheer goofiness of it all,
but to hell with all that! I just got off the phone with the sexiest gay boy in the WORLD!!! And he wants to see me!!! ME!!! AHHHHH!!!
I've got to find myself something to wear!
"Gabe? Are you ok?" My mom knocked, but didn't open the door. "I heard a
"I'm great, Mom! I'm...I'm great. Hehehe!" I sighed to myself. I
couldn't have dimmed my smile even if I wanted to. I wondered if any of
this would be possible if I hadn't told Jason I was gay. Or if I hadn't
told Summer. Or my mom. I wondered what might have happened if I hadn't
gone to the cafe that afternoon, or if I had chickened out at the last
minute to dial that number. I don't know, my mind was so out of focus on so many things at
once that it hardly made a difference. All I knew was that I've got a
weekend date with a full blown HOTTIE!!! Hehehe, and...I don't know what I'm gonna
do with myself when I get there, but I'm gonna take that first step
towards actually being 'with' somebody. Somebody who's interested in me. I'm going to have my fantasy come true! Just like in those stories online!
As I laid there on my back, grinning like an insane asylum's 'least
likely to be released' patient, I felt a lot of that weird confusion
melt away, and I almost became ANXIOUS to see Niles again. Anxious to
talk to him, anxious to hold him, anxious to maybe even...sighhhh...
I guess that's the part of the process I can save for another day. Let's not get too far ahead of ourselves. Right
now? I just want to float for a little while.
Yeah...I'm just going to float for now.
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