"Something Better, Something Real"
And there it lingered...
Right there in the warm core of my heart...
For days on end, in fact!
The idea of Jesse actually asking me to be his official boyfriend was almost painful to try to contain. How in the hell did that even HAPPEN??? What did I do to make something like that possible? Well, I mean...I don't think I had to do anything much at all. He just...ASKED me! Asked me to be his boyfriend! Just like that.
That was the most life altering bus ride of my entire life!
Ooh, and like...hehehe, he was really shy about it too! Jesse is so damn CUTE when he's being shy! I can still see the gentle blush in his cheeks. I can still see the bashful smile on his cozy pink lips. I can still hear the subtle tremble in his questioning tone of voice. Every last detail of those few words spoken between us on that bus was like...burned into my memory. I'll never forget it. Not ever.
Oh God...every time the thought of someone like Jesse loving me crosses my mind, I get this giant shower of full body chills that start behind my ears and cascade all the way down to my heels...causing my toes to wiggle around playfully in my socks!
I lay back on my bed, but I couldn't find any position that I could describe as being even remotely 'comfortable'. There was just this...this...weird energy inside of me that caused my muscles to tighten, stretch, relax, contract, and expand...all at the same time. Or maybe in some random order that kept any of my muscular functions from syncing up correctly with one another. Hell, I don't know! I just...I feel GOOD! Super GOOD! And no matter how hard I try to shake this giddy sensation out of my arms and chest...it just clings to me like a cluster of cobwebs on all sides!
Not that I'm complaining, mind you.
Geez, this feels so good that I'm really surprised that they haven't made love illegal yet!
I tossed and turned and groaned all night long. The adrenaline just wouldn't slow down. I might have been able to calm my overactive senses for a couple of minutes so I could get drowsy...if only I could stop thinking about Jesse. The problem is...I CAN'T stop thinking about Jesse! I never once had a boy drive me SO crazy!
I doubt that I had gotten much sleep at ALL that night, and yet, that same infatuated sugar rush kept me alert and riding high as I climbed out of bed and got ready for school anyway. This is too much. WAY too much. I'm starting to wonder if I'm ever going to come down again.
My mom just whipped up a small breakfast of bacon and eggs, and she threw in a couple of those hashbrown patties that she had in the freezer. She sat down at the table with me, sipping some coffee and basically keeping to herself as she made sure that I had my morning nourishment for the day, I guess.
We didn't share anything much more important than some small talk, but I wanted to get this out of the way ahead of time. Just so I could make it look 'casual', you know? So I said, "I was thinking about going out this weekend. Just for a little bit. So, I wanted to let you know."
I didn't expect much of a reaction, but she asked, "Going out where?"
I made a point of shrugging my shoulders in a nonchalant manner. "Nowhere special. I was just...this Saturday, I thought about taking the bus out to Hillside. That's all."
There was a brief silence, and I focused on my breakfast, fighting the urge to peek up at my mom to see if her wheels were turning. Then, after an eternity, I heard her say, "So Lori and Michelle aren't going to join you?"
"I didn't say that..."
"You said you were taking the bus. Doesn't Michelle have a car?"
"I'm just going to hang out with somebody...some....some people. I'm just hanging out. That's all."
"Ok! Alright." She said. I guess I was sort of on 'defense' there for a second. I just kind of figured that I could tell her I was going out and have that be the end of it. Geez! "So you're going to visit your friend, 'Jesse', again?" Arrrghhhh!!!
"It's nothing big, Mom, ok? Just...in the middle of the day, goofing around. I just wanted you to know." I said.
She just put her coffee down, a tiny little smirk on her lips. I HATE that smirk! I do! I want my SECRETS, dammit! Why the hell does she have to know everything all the time???
There was another frustrating pause, and then my mom says, "You know, Tristan...if you ever want to invite Jesse over here to the house and save yourself the bus fare...I'd be ok with that."
See? Like...why would she say that? Who says that? "It's ok, Mom. We already have plans. So..."
"I know. But any other weekend, if he wanted to come over, he'd be more than welcome. I can make you guys a nice lunch...he can even stay for dinner some night if his parents don't worry about him being out too late. I could drop him off..."
"Ok, done with breakfast! I've gotta get going..." I said, jumping up from the table before she went any further with that. I don't know...it made me nervous to think she was in on the whole 'gay' thing. It just wasn't a conversation that I was fully prepared to have with her just yet. When will that happen? I don't know. Sex and Moms don't really mix well. All I know is that it's not going to happen right now at this breakfast table.
I have to admit that I felt a little awkward about it. She left it alone, but...deep down, I think she was being really cool about it. I'm going to have to come clean eventually...me having an official 'boyfriend' now. Maybe the impact of it is going to end up being a LOT easier than I'm picturing it in my head. I'm sure it'll be fine. I just...I'm comfortable with things at the moment. Why rattle the cage.
I gave my mom a hug from behind as she was still sitting at the table. I don't know why I did it, but it seemed really necessary at that particular moment. "Thanks, Mom. K?" I said, and gave her a kiss on the cheek.
That seemed to make her smile. And just as I was making an escape from the kitchen, she said, "I love you, Tristan. Ok?"
"Love you too..." Did that sound gay? Can you tell your mom you love her and NOT have it sound gay? I swear, I worry too much. About everything. Ugh!
When I got to school and saw Lori in the hallway, the very FIRST thing I did was lean back on the locker next to hers and sigh out loud.
"I think my mom knows..." I groaned. "I'm actually pretty sure that she knows."
"Well, DUH!" Lori said. "No offense, sweetie, but you're not the 'James Bond' of hiding your gayness from the rest of the world. In fact, you've gotten increasingly BAD at it since your celebrity cutie pie has come along."
I had to close my eyes and try to hold back a full blown swoon at the mere mention of him. "Am I really that bad?"
"Worse." She said. "Ever since you and Jessie have been dating, the love in your heart just pours out of you like a lethal dose of radiation. Even now, you're like...glowing. It's quite a sight to behold, to be honest."
"I don't know what to do, Lori. I can't sleep, I can't eat...I try to force myself to stop thinking about him long enough to actual function in my everyday life...but I can't. He's in every breath of oxygen that I take. It actually HURTS to let him slip my mind. Even for a second. I just...I feel so distant from him right now. It's KILLING me to be this distant!"
"Just make plans, already. You two need to get together and drool over each other for a little while so you can get all of this melancholy mayhem out of your system already." She said, rummaging through her stuff.
"We did. I'm going over to his house this weekend. I just...I feel like I'm not going to make it that long without...kissing him or something. God, Lori....I'm HAPPY...but at the same time, I'm oh so miserable."
She looked me in the eye with a smile, "Who ARE you, and what have you done with my friend, Tristan?" She gave me a poke to wake me out of my dreamy trance, and said, "Listen, you won the prize. You like Jesse, he likes you, you guys are totally compatible, and your mom is apparently on board for the whole ride. Everything is coming up roses. You would have to actually work hard and deliberately screw up something SO perfect in its design! So quit agonizing over it already. You've already got the top score on the board, dude! Relax and enjoy it. Stop 'trying' to make yourself unhappy and find ways to ruin what may just be the luckiest break that any closeted gay high school boy has ever had throughout the entire course of human history! He's GOREGEOUS! He LOVES everything about you, you can do no wrong in his eyes! He's sweet and he's funny and he's YouTube famous! What ELSE do you want, you greedy asshole???" She giggled.
"Leave it to you to make me the bastard in all this."
"Oh GOD, Tristan...I swear, if you weren't my best friend in the world, you would be SO annoying!" She grunted, closing her locker door and slinging her backpack over her shoulder. Then she looked further down the hall and said, "SPEAKING of things that annoy the living SHIT out of me...here comes 'Mr. Fantastic'."
The moment she said it, I happened to look behind me and see Jason Fixx coming our way....with some GIRL by his side.
You know, there's always a certain souring of the stomach that happens whenever I see Jason in the vicinity, but this time it was for an entirely different reason. This time, it wasn't from regret or any level of insecurity. I just got sick of existing on the same plane of consciousness as someone who was SO fucking heartless as a human being. I hated to see him anywhere. I could scrub my life clean of his very existence if he would just crawl under a rock somewhere and fucking DIE! But, unfortunately, I'm never that lucky.
Lori saw the distress on my face, and she said, "I swear to God, Tristan...if you so much as give that asshole the time of day, I'm going to reach into his chest and pull out every last one of his RIBS! And then I'm gonna stab YOU with them for being such an idiot!"
"I'm ok, Lori. Promise."
"I MEAN it, Tristan! The way he treated you...."
"I know, Lori..."
"He doesn't deserve to breathe the same fucking AIR as someone like you..."
"I KNOW, Lori! Ok? I'm fine." I assured her. "There is nothing about him that I regret losing. Nothing. He took advantage of me, broke my heart, and never looked back. Trust me...my days of even thinking about having him be a part of my life again are over."
"Good!" She said.
At that very moment, Jason's eyes met mine. It was just for a split second, but it happened...and I saw him reach for the girl's hand, holding it tight as he got closer. Then, he actually had the audacity to give her a gentle tug, kissing her on the lips right there in the middle of the hallway. I mean...come on! He might as well have been looking ME in the eye when he did it.
Lori was SO disgusted! "Are you fucking kidding me?" She said. "I mean, what...? Is that supposed to make you jealous or something? Is he serious?" I grinned to myself as she rolled her eyes. "Every time I think your 'Ex' couldn't possibly be more of a total fucking douchebag...he breaks his own record."
"Hehehe, it's ok, Lori. Really." I chuckled.
Jason let the girl go on to her next class, and Lori and I both watched Jason try to make a 'subtle' approach to where we were standing to say something. And when he got close enough to talk, he says, "Oh man...sorry, Tristan. I didn't even notice that you were standing over here." Hahaha! Omigod! How did I go so long without knowing how utterly LAME this guy was??? Honestly...Jason isn't even worth jacking off over. Not compared to what I've got NOW!
I just said, "That's alright. We were just going to class anyway." I even smiled when I said it. Was he disappointed? I'm glad. I truly am.
Jason randomly offered, "Yeah...that was Stephanie. She's on the cheerleading squad. She's a bit clingy, but...I guess I gave her plenty of reasons to be. You know?"
"Good to know." I said. "Lori, you ready?"
"Yep!" She said.
But Jason piped in with, "We're sort of an item now. Something lovely. Something 'normal'. You know...when you were out there playing hard to get, she was living just around the corner from me, getting all the attention that you could have gotten if only you had done things my way. I'm not trying to be mean or anything, I'm just saying...it's your spot she's taking now. That could have been you."
"Hehehe! No, Jason. Believe me...that could NEVER be me." I giggled. "I mean...what is this? What are you expecting me to say right now? I mean, not only are you suggesting that you CHEATED on me while we were supposedly 'together'...but now you expect me to believe that you like GIRLS too? Hehehe, are you, like...TRYING to be the most unlovable son of a bitch on the planet or what?"
Lori said, "He actually IS pretty bad at this, isn't he?"
Jason stumbled for words for a moment, then said, "You're so fucking high maintenance. Fine. Screw you. I've got plenty of other options lined up to fill in where you fall short anyway."
Did it hurt? Wow...nope. Not at all. Not this time.
I said, "Good. I'm happy for you. And I hope you just keep using them up, one after another, like a lunch pack of disposable juice boxes. I'm sure they'll keep you entertained on your road to inevitable loneliness in the very near future. Because this game your playing? It only has one outcome. And I think you actually know what that outcome is. I'm sure it haunts you between orgasms. Well, those orgasms are going to get further and further apart...and eventually you're going to be forced to deal with all of the awful things you've done to other people. So live it up, k? Just know that everybody you've ever used to feel good about yourself is going to abandon you for something REAL. TRUE love. The same way you abandoned me. When they do...take a few quiet moments and remember what you did to deserve it. Maybe it'll bring you some peace in the silent years to come."
"Oh yeah? Well...YOU'RE the one who's gonna...be...lonely..." He said, and that really cracked me up as I turned my back and walked away from him. All this self pity and anguish since he dumped me for no reason...and that was the best he could come up with?
Man, did I ever dodge a bullet with THAT jerk!
I heard Lori's voice behind me as she looked Jason up and down with a taunting and satisfied grin. "Damn, pretty boy! I believe you've been ditched for an UPGRADE!" And she laughed to herself as she came to catch up with me and hug my arm close. She gave me a kiss on the cheek for a job well done.
"Are you proud of me?" I asked.
"SO proud!" She said. "So proud, in fact, I'm going to let you drone on about Jesse for another five minutes before I'm forced to tell you to shut up again."
"A whole five minutes? Gee, do you think you'll be able to take it?"
"I will now." She said. "Because I'm so happy to see you finally stick it to that guiltless asshole that I'm probably going to drown out your yammering anyway."
I gave her a poke for making fun of my helpless infatuation with the most perfect boyfriend on Earth, but I knew she meant well. If it weren't for her pushing me to go for it, I probably never would have worked up the courage to make this possible. I would have avoided talking to Jesse completely. I would have run away from the fear and hid from the nervous jitters and made myself miserable with thoughts of how 'hard' it would be to ever really get a boy like Jesse Kyler to spit in my direction. And then I would have gone right back to taking the easy way out. Right back to riding around in Jason Fixx's passenger seat...looking for some secret dark and dirty alley for me to suck him off by a dumpster full of rotting food and garbage...pretending it was love. Or 'like'. Or even some basic level of mutual affection. No. No more. I know better. I want more. And now I have it. I have it...and I'm seeing him on Saturday.
I'm not going back to that sick, self-hating, predicament ever again. That, I know for sure.
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