There seems to be no real stable measure of it, you know? Sometimes...I'm sitting in class...with only five minutes left to go until the bell rings. And those are the LONGEST five minutes of my whole LIFE!
But other times...
Times like now...
...I talk to my dad on the phone, and I realize that he's actually leaving, just a few days from now. I suddenly realize that I wish every five minute period that passed me by could feel just as lengthy and as endless as they do while sitting in that classroom.
I wish I had more time. Because it's racing by *SO* fast right now! And just talking to him for a few quick minutes tonight let me know that I had squandered away a lot of good times with my father on...on...ugh, I don't even KNOW what I wasted it on! Just...not being there, I guess.
I wondered why I felt like there would be such a huge difference once he had moved away. I mean...he just lives around the corner, right? I'm talking to him on the phone. I write him emails and texts. Our connection and our emotional bond would be exactly the same whether he lived here in town, or was far far away in another state. What would be different?
I guess I'm just missing the option to actually go and see him whenever I get the urge. Even if it's only once every few weeks, at least the option is there, you know? It counts for something. It made me wonder if my dad and I would begin to grow apart once he was gone. If our conversations were destined to get further and further apart until I ended up only hearing from him on birthdays and Christmas. He'll be so far away, but I can still feel him. He's still such an important part of me. It would hurt me something awful if that connection were to somehow get 'broken'.
He's starting a whole new life some place else without me. New job, new wife, new house, new city...I'm worried that there isn't really going to be a place for me to fit in when it comes to his new outlook on things. And I don't have enough time left to give him reasons to remember my love for him at all.
Ugh, I am feeling actual pain in my heart right now, just thinking about it. That sucks. I'm depressing myself now. I should stop.
While I was at work today, Dizzy came floating around me and everybody else with a huge grin on his face. Hehehe, seriously, he looked like something right out of a Disney cartoon. It was bordering on the edge of being downright psychotic!
I'm like, "What's your deal today?"
He's like, "Nothing. I am just gliding on air today. For no other reason than the sun is shining, the birds are singing, and I'm one step closer to payday."
I said, "Okaaaaaay, that sounds...like you're on something illegal."
Dizzy gave ma kiss on the cheek, and then had to rush out of the way as Taylor came storming his way up to the counter with a scowl on his face! Like, "I wish I had a fucking shiv for dumbass customers! I really do! They should hand it out on day one! Nametag...shiv! Done!"
Ollie laughed and said, "Poor baby, are they giving you grief today."
He's like, "Don't start with me today, Ollie! I swear to God, I'm not in the mood."
Giggling, I was like, "Maybe you should have some of what Dizzy's having. He seems pretty mellow."
Dizzy said, "Taylor here is just stressed out because he's got a showcase coming up on Sunday with two other popular bands in the city, and he's worried the boys aren't ready."
Taylor growled, "We should have been practicing our ASSES off every day this week! They're blowing off band practice to go to the movies or get with some dumb old girl, hoping to get a quick handjob in the process! They need to be serious about this!"
Ollie was like, "Don't worry so much. You're so prickly when you're stressed. We'll all come out and cheer you on. We'll have that crowd thinking you guys are the Beatles by the time we're done twitching and convulsing in front of the stage."
Dizzy said, "Yeah. We'll make it a mandatory employee field trip. You in, Billy?"
The strange thing is...I didn't even blink when I said, "Sure! I'll come out on Sunday." It was so automatic. Hehehe, but I guess that's what being a part of a family is all about, right?
It was then that Garrett quietly walked up to the counter, his head down, eyes trying not to look directly at anybody...and he grabbed some product to put out on the shelves. I think he might have said 'hi guys'...but it was so low and so hushed that it was barely audible. Then, just as quickly as he arrived, he was gone again. Back out on the floor to stock stuff all by himself.
I saw Dizzy smile, and he said, "You know, Taylor...it would be really cool if you invited Garrett to come with us?"
Taylor was like, "He can come. I don't mind. The more the better. But he'd better cheer, or...make 'noise' or something."
Dizzy rolled his eyes, as Taylor didn't get the hint. Ollie leaned in and said, "I think what Dizzy is trying to say is that a personal invitation might mean a lot more coming from you, playboy."
Taylor said, "What? WHY? What did I do?"
Dizzy said, "You didn't do anything. And maybe that's the point." Then he added, "Go ahead. Hehehe, ask him to come party with us."
Taylor sighed, "I was NEVER mean to him! Why do you guys always accuse me of being so mean all the time? What about Billy over here? He loves talking to Billy."
Ollie said, "That's because makes an effort to actually make contact with him every now and then. That's why."
Even as Taylor rolled his eyes at the idea of having to be nice, Dizzy patted him on the shoulder and said, "Look, just go over there, and tell him about the show this weekend. Ask him if he wants to come. And if he's *SO* painfully shy and pathologically anti-social that he turns you down...then so be it. All we can do is open the door and make him feel welcome, right? I like Garrett, but it's hard to get to know him when he's too terrified to talk to us. And you're the biggest boogieman of us all. So...go! Invite him! And I don't mean just toss a flyer in his face and say 'be there'. Be cool to him."
Taylor looked at me for a second, and I said, "He really is a nice guy. He just needs to make an effort to come out of his shell a bit more. Being invited would probably help him out a lot."
Taylor shook his head. "Dammit, Billy. I thought at least you would be on my side." He sighed, his shoulders slumped inward, and he says, "Fine. I'll ask him. But if he says no then I'm DONE. I'm not going to exhaust myself dragging somebody, kicking and screaming, out of their bashful little corner. He's gotta make some effort too, ya know?"
Hehehe, Taylor's way of covering up his soft underbelly is by keeping a negative snarl on his face. It's only effective against people who don't know him though. I don't know why he even bothers anymore with the rest of us.
We watched him go over...and he got Garrett's attention. Ollie, Dizzy, and me, just pretended not to stare as they were talking. I don't know what he said, but Garrett blushed so hard that we could all see it clearly from the front counter. Garrett giggled in the sweetest way, and he nodded. So Taylor gave him a flyer, and he folded it up and put it into his pocket. As Taylor walked away, Garrett was beaming with the biggest damn smile that I had ever seen on a boy. Awww, it was so cute. I wish I had taken a picture.
See? A little effort goes a long way every now and then. Not that Taylor would admit to it.
Ooh, I've got 'plans' for this Sunday! That's cool! Hehehe!
So...um...I got to talk to Brandon some more tonight.
I don't think I truly understood how much I had taken talking to Brandon for granted these past few months until we started doing it again. I was trying so hard to convince myself that I could survive happily without my dream boy counterpart that I had forgotten how much joy and solace just hearing a few words from him over the phone could bring me. Did he know that it was that easy to get me all hot and bothered for him again just by taking the time to talk to me? Hehehe, I hope not!
A guy could learn to use something like that against me!
Have you ever gotten that slightly nervous feeling when you're talking to someone you really like, and he's like, "Hold on a sec..." And you can hear him moving to go some place private to talk to you? Like...I mean, he's leaving the rest of the world behind...I can actually hear all outside noises fading away...just to talk to me. I don't know. Something about that just made me feel really special. A turbulent little jitter began to flutter in my stomach, and I felt a smile spread out on my face as I heard Brandon close his bedroom door and lay back on his bed. He's like, "Hey...I was just thinking about you."
I said, "Really? Hehehe, weird."
Then he's like, "Well, to be honest, I haven't stopped thinking about you since Tuesday. It's really kinda sad when you think about it. Hehehe!"
I'm like, "Noooooo! Why?"
And he says, "Because...I have, like...this really insane addiction to you. That's why."
I giggled, like, "Why is that a bad thing?"
I could hear Brandon sigh with a smile. And he tells me, "Because last time I just dived, head first, into everything without thinking clearly. It was this maddening hysteria that just threw all of my emotions into chaos at once. I guess a part of me just wants to take things a little bit slower this time around. That's NOT a bad thing! I mean, I definitely want us to be together. I just don't want to be as blind and stupid about it as I was last time. Does that make sense?" I told him that it did, but I think he thought I was just saying that to be nice. He was like, "I don't know what I'm saying right now."
I said, "No, it's ok. I think I get it. I can do that. We can slow things down a little bit if you want. Maybe find a way to get ourselves all synchronized and stuff." Then I took a moment, and I said, "Brandon...I'll wait for you. You're everything that I've ever wanted out of love. I'm never going to take your perfection for granted ever again. I promise."
Brandon was like, "See? You Can't do that! That's cheating! Hehehe!"
I'm like, "Nuh unh! I'm just bein' honest!"
But he's all like, "Yeah, but that just makes me wanna rip your clothes off all over again. Hehehe, it's not fair...getting my hormones involved. I'm trying to think logically here for a change."
I said, "Ok, so...when you think 'logically', and all the horny hormones are tucked away where they don't cloud your judgement...what do you see?"
There was a brief pause. Ever so brief. And Brandon said, "I see you and me. What we have together. And all the infinite reasons I have to love you with my whole heart." It was soooo sweet, but I understood when he said, "I'm just trying to regulate my feelings a little bit. Just for now, ok? I'm...a little scared. You know?"
I'm like, "Yeah. I think I am too. But that's good, right? I mean, absolute terror of the unknown is definitely a sign of a logically thinking mind, isn't it? Hehehe!"
He chuckled, "I guess so." I heard him shift a little bit on his bed. God, I wish I could be there to just...hold him or something. I craved his touch with a yearning that made it hard to sit still. He said, "I can't stop wanting you, Billy. It's really driving me crazy right now." Then he says, "I call Stevie sometimes. No real reason. I think I make up excuses to talk to him just so I can talk about you. It makes me feel sooooo good to talk about you with somebody else. To tell them how cute you are, and how incredible you make me feel. I'm sure he's sick of hearing it by now, but...he's sort of my only outlet for the goofy mush that I've got surrounding my heart these days." The sensation that rose up within me, just hearing how utterly in love he was with me...with ME...it was overwhelming. I swooned and nearly fell over, just from hearing him tell me that on the phone. How amazing is that to hear from someone you adore? I think I had been quiet for a few seconds when Brandon asked me, "Wait...I mean, it's ok if Stevie and I still talk, right?"
Waking up from my dreamlike daze, I said, "Oh! Yeah, sure! It's ok with me if you guys still talk."
He's like, "I mean, STRICTLY 'hands off', of course! There's nothing going on between us anymore. He's just someone that...I've grown to care about a lot, you know? After all the trouble he's been through and all...well, we're just friends. I don't want you to think that there are any lingering feelings happening with that."
I said, "If you say you're just friends, then I trust you. I really do. K?"
He's like, "You know....it would be ok if you were still friends with Jimmy or...you know...whoever. Bobby, maybe?"
I told him, "Something tells me that after what I did to his heart, Jimmy's not interesting in being friends with me ever again. And Bobby's so wrapped up in having a real boyfriend instead of some creepy one-way infatuation with me, that he's hardly got any time to pay me any attention anyway. So you've got nothing to worry about in that department. Trust me."
He's like, "Good. Because I really didn't wanna share you anyway. I was just saying that to be civil. Hehehe!" He sighed, and he said, "I miss you so much right now, Billy. I really do. Every breath I take without you hear just seems so wasted to me. I need to see you again. I want us to be 'us' again. The world feels so wrong when we're not together."
I got a little choked up, to be honest. And I was like, "I know what you mean. It feels like that to me too. Nothing's been the same since we've been apart. I miss you too." Thinking for a moment, I said, "You know what? A friend of mine is in a band, and he's gonna have a show on Sunday. We can both get in for free. Do you wanna go?"
Brandon was like, "Hehehe, you know somebody in a band now?"
I said, "Indeed, I do. And they're awesome! Come on. Go with me. I want to introduce you to all my friends from work and stuff. It'll be a fun night out. Besides...I wanna see you. I just want to be close to you. So we can...talk. Or whatever."
Brandon's blush must have blossomed into something truly beautiful in the few seconds that he hesitated to answer me. Then he's like, "Well...I mean, ok. I guess I can hang out for a while."
I said, "Sweet! You'll LOVE 'em! The band's called 'Liquor On Sunday', and..."
Brandon was like, "You know somebody from 'Liquor On Sunday'? Really? Dude, I've heard their stuff before!"
Feeling proud, I was like, "Good! Then let's go see them live, and I'll let you meet the whole band. They're the coolest people ever. Believe me."
Brandon said, "Ok. I'll...I'll be there. Hehehe!" Then, his voice softened, and he said, "I'm glad that...you know...all of this is happening. I just want you to know that I'm always thinking about you, and I love you. Ok?"
I said, "I love you too, Brandon. And I can't wait to be close to you again either. I'm actually getting goosebumps just thinking about it. Hehehe...."
He's like, "I got goosebumps the second I saw your name pop up on the caller ID. What can I say, I'm a sucker for my Billy Chase."
Honestly, by the time we hung up that phone, I was in love all over again. As if it was for the first time. I just...I KEEP falling for him! Every time I think I've got a 'ceiling' over how incredibly sweet and romantic Brandon could be...he crashes right through it and sets a whole new standard for me. He's so perfect! What the fuck was I THINKING, fooling around with Bobby Jinette??? Live and learn, I suppose.
This feels like a whole new adventure for me right now. Rebuilding something that was so unmercifully broken...it was a challenge, but a thrilling one. With a reward that was worth the struggle it was going to take to get me there. But all fears and obstacles aside, I have to admit that I was kind of excited about us starting all over from scratch. Me and Brandon always felt like destiny at work. Like the universe was conspiring in our favor, and that we had no other choice but to end up together eventually. So, being able to better appreciate the ride this time around is going to be SUCH an amazing experience!
I can only hope that we have a better outcome this time around. I'll keep my fingers crossed!
Alright, that's it! Gotta run! I've got the day off tomorrow. I wish I could spend it with Brandon, but he's doing something with his dad tomorrow instead. I don't know...may I should make an effort to do something with mine too. In fact, that sounds like a decent idea. I should call him. Make plans. Just because. You know?
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