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I kept walking past them, on a daily basis. The same old school yards, the same old neighborhood hang outs, the same old parks. As if the haunting images from my past could somehow bring it all back to me. As if I would magically be transported back in time and get the chance to relive it all again. To maybe avoid making the same mistakes, to maybe try things differently, instead of never trying at all. I could be wrong, but something tells me that 17 years old is way too young for me to be having a midlife crisis.

I made it a habit of taking long walks everywhere that I went, even though I had my own car, I didn't appreciate the drive as much as a walk. Not anymore. In a car, everything seemed to just move by so...fast. And I miss little details. Fine little extras that, during a walk, I can notice and enjoy. I'm not exactly sure what opened my eyes suddenly one day, but it hit me all at once, and I felt so much better. I think I was looking at a picture from the third grade, where I had written my name into a park bench at the rec center. It said, "Toby the Great", and I did the best 'stick figure' rendition of myself that I knew how to. I remember laughing to myself, and I walked over to see if it was still there. It wasn't. It was gone. The bench just didn't exist anymore. It was only last year, but it seems like that moment hit me ages ago. To look at the space where that bench used to be, and then look up to see a whole new park. New swings, new slides, new basketball court...new everything. I'm sure the 3rd graders today enjoy the park just fine, but I felt like something was all wrong. Like the community had rushed in and destroyed a piece of my history, my legacy. A part of me was gone, and I couldn't ever retrieve it, no matter how bad I wanted it. The memories of all the days that I played in that park came rushing back to me. And it just looked so foregn and strange to me now. Nothing was the same. It made my whole past seem like a dream that I cooked up all on my own, without any proof that it ever existed to begin with. Ever since that day, I've seen my life through new eyes. I decided from that point on that I would enjoy my life. That I would take a good long look at everything around me, and just cherish the moment so I would never forget it. Holding on to it before it was gone for good. I think I've been a bit happier ever since, and now that I think about it, I'm a much different person for it. I even got over that whole shyness problem that practically choked any chance at having a truly good time right out of me. Too bad I hadn't come to this realization sooner. If I had...then I'd still be in love...and he'd still be here.

I think it was the second grade when I first laid eyes on him. I didn't know anything about being 'gay' or being in 'love' or ANY of that stuff. I was 7 years old, and it just didn't matter back then. But he triggered something inside of me. Whether I knew it or not, I wanted him since that very first day that we met. His name was Keith, and even thinking about him or whispering his name aloud gives me a warm shiver that makes me feel so alive inside. He had light brown hair, that hung just down to his ears. Just enough to gently tickle its way over the tip of his ear, but never any further. It never looked like he had a single haircut. It was always the perfect length, the perfect shape, had the perfect shine to it. You just wanted to grab him by the head and inhale deeply, because it always smelled of the sweetened scent of his shampoo. He had big bright blue eyes, that always beamed with innocense and excitement. They were the first things you noticed when you looked at him, and they were so beautiful that you couldn't turn away once being locked into their gravitational pull. He was always taller than me by a few inches, and even when I had my growth spurt, his kicked in too and always kept him ahead of the game. He was soooo cute, and spoke with the slightest hint of a lisp. Something that you would never notice if you didn't listen for it specifically. That first day in second grade, I knew right away that I wanted him to be my 'friend'. Hehehe, that's exactly how I said it to myself too. "He looks like he would make a really cool friend. I'll talk to him." I had no idea what I was getting myself into at that point. And I didn't realize how much I really loved him until years later.

I think it was maybe later on in the 4th grade when I saw Keith being chased around the playground by some girl who wanted to kiss him. The girls always made a game of it, but it's basically the same game that boys and girls play nowadays in high school, and will be playing in and out of bars during college, and possibly a few times after they're all married with kids. I remember seeing that during our lunch period, and just seeing him over there...laughing with somebody else, having fun with somebody else...it just...it got to me. I mean, Keith was MY friend. We did stuff together. We talked, and played video games, and rode our bikes through the mud. He's not allowed to make somebody ELSE feel good! He was MINE! I got so jealous all of the sudden. I felt it well up inside of me and just take over like no other emotion that I had ever felt. I hated him for it. And once I saw that girl's lips touch his cheek, I stormed off of the playground and refused to hang out with him for almost a week. I didn't know what was going on inside of me, all I knew was that it sucked, and it hurt, and I knew it was his fault somehow. Shortly after that, I caved in, we became friends, and I was so happy to have him back in my life that I guessed that something was wrong. Then came...The Video!

In the fifth grade, our homeroom shuffled two classes into the same room with a movie screen and projector. None of us knew what sex was about at that time. We knew what the 'dirty words' were, and had an idea of which body parts they represented, but as far as what those parts were FOR...we were mostly clueless. As far as I was concerned...'it' was just another finger. I remember me and Keith sitting together, snickering whenever the video said the word 'sex', or 'penis', and especially when it said 'vagina'. Dude, let me tell you...if you REALLY want to make a ten year old laugh, just start saying the word vagina around him. It's just a crazy word to say. Anyway, we saw the first video, which was pretty tame...then...they split us up. That's when we got a bit nervous. The took all of the girls and sent them out with our female science teacher, and the boys stayed where they were. We didn't know why they were splitting us up, and I still, to this day, have NO idea what they showed the girls that afternoon, but it's much too horrible to think about. I think I blocked out most of the memories from that sex ed film. But I vaguely remember a mention of 'increased bloodflow' while the movie screen was filled up with the cartoon drawing of a 9' X 5' giant penis throbbing and coming closer and closer to us the longer it grew! And the whole 'sperm' thing had me thinking my nuts were full of spiders or something for the next year and a half! But...only days after seeing that video, did I begin to wonder about sex. And approximately 10 hours after that...things changed, and my shyness kicked in for the first time. Especially when it came to Keith.

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