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The next school day was one that made me wanna shout, "Thank God, it's Friday!" from the second I crawled out of bed.
Even breakfast tastes a little bit better on Fridays, you know? It's like that last long stretch before getting to a very eventful weekend. Even though I wasn't looking forward to final exams starting on Monday, I was anxious to get past them so I could FINALLY race my way to Spring Break!
Maybe it's just me...but it seems like this Spring Break has been a few YEARS coming!
It seems that Ryan's dad had gotten sick and called into work today, which was awesome, because Ryan was able to work it out so he could take the car today! He honked the horn outside as loud as he could, making my mom chuckle happily as I grabbed my stuff to go join him. "See you later, Mom!" I said, rushing out in a hurry.
"Hey! What are we forgetting?" She said, sticking her cheek out a bit.
"Awww, Mom..." I said, but she just pointed to her cheek with a finger, and I hurried back over to give her a kiss. "Love you, Mom."
"Much better." She said. "You boys drive careful, ok?"
"We will!" I yelled back as I rushed out of the house and hopped into the car with Ryan, who had already had the seat repositioned and the radio stations changed.
"You ready to ride?" He asked.
"You know it!" And he screeched out of the driveway, taking us down the street quickly before my mom had a chance to come outside and tell us to slow it down. Hehehe, parents.
Tyler had already left early that morning again to go pick up Ariel from school. I thought it was a bit strange, as Ariel had definitely made it a point to always come over to his house instead. Suddenly, they're over there...being all secretive again. I guess their relationship is pretty much on 'autopilot' from here on out, huh? Hehehe, you know...I'm gonna MISS the frustration of getting those two together. But...it's better just seeing them happy. They deserve it. They've both been through sooooo much. I wish them all the best.
"So....I talked to Hailey last night." Ryan said as we were at a red light.
"You did WHAT??? You actually called her?"
"Yeah. Come on, Randy, I couldn't just..'ignore' her, you know?"
"Sure you could! I do it everyday. I just bring up a list of people I don't need making me feel miserable...and I put her on the list. Done and done."
Ryan smiled a bit, but not much. "She's really hurt, you know? About me and her."
I sighed a bit, but tried to humor him anyway. "I wish I knew what to tell you, Ryan. She's just..." Where are the words? How do I say it in a way that he'll understand. "...She just wants to wreck things for you. That's why she's doing this. Hailey gets everything she wants, and you're just a smudge on her crystal clear record. That's all. It's not like she's in 'love' or anything."
"I know, I know..." He said. "It's just...I talked to her for almost an hour last night, and she was all like, 'we need to get back together'...like it was some soap opera or something. And I kept trying to explain that it wouldn't work out, and she kept asking me WHY, and...." He shrugged his shoulders, taking a short pause. "...And I was running out of excuses."
I looked over at him for a moment. "You're not still thinking about coming out to her, are you?"
"It might be the only way to make her understand, Randy."
"No it isn't. It's not gonna make her understand ANYTHING! She's gonna turn around and tell everybody she can get to listen that you're gay. That WE'RE gay! And that's it. That's the end." I told him.
"The end of what?"
"The end of EVERYTHING, dude! I can't have my mom finding out! Or the other kids in school! Are you crazy?"
"Well what's wrong with it? I mean, it's who we are, right?" He said...and there was a silence in the car. That statement...that one little comment...is what has been the eternal stalemate between homosexuals since the beginning of time. To 'tell' or 'not to tell'. It was a line that Ryan and I had never really been on opposite sides of before. "You know...you keep talking about us like we're some dirty little secret, but honestly...I don't think there's anything inappropriate about us being together."
"I....I know, Ryan. And I love you, I really do...but..."
"But you don't want anybody else to know that you love me." He added.
"NO! That's not it at all. Dude...I know it sucks, sneaking around all the time. I know. But...I'm not read to just...tell everybody about us yet, ok?" Ryan sulked a bit, trying to hide his eyes from me while he was driving. "Right now, we can tell the few people that we trust, and we can make decisions on our own about who knows and who doesn't. Right now it's under our control, and we can manage it a lot better. But...once it starts getting whispered between kids on the public bus and in the gym locker rooms...it'll be totally out of our hands. And I don't want to be some stupid rumor written on the bathroom wall." I said. "I want to be with YOU, Ryan. I want us to be happy together without all those idiots interfering with what we do and who we are. I like it better when it's just you and me."
He didn't say anything at first, and I reached over to rub his shoulder, hoping that he'd understand. And he said, "I understand. I just...wish this wasn't even an issue." He turned into the school parking lot to find a space. "If you love somebody...you should be able to love them in the open. Everybody else can go to hell if they don't get it. They don't have anything to do with it anyway."
I almost didn't want to say it, but just seeing the look of disappointment on his face was enough to make me feel like a jerk for not offering some kind of compromise. "Listen...I'm not saying 'never', ok? Just not...now."
"But someday though, right?" He asked, his bright hazel eyes looking at me with such hope.
"Yeah. Someday. I...I promise." And that was it. I was locked into it. And for Ryan, I'd keep that promise. I'd do it if he really wanted me to. I can only hope that it won't happen for a long...long...*LONG*...LOOOONNNNNNGGGGGG time!
We got out of the car, and started walking towards the school. I asked him, "So did this phone conversation, like...solve anything?"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, well...is Hailey gonna stop wishing you were dead every minute of the day now, or what?"
Ryan shrugged his shoulders again. "I don't know. I guess we'll both find out today. I think she was kinda expecting me to just hear her voice and beg her forgiveness or something. When I didn't...things got kinda weird. But maybe she'll cut me some slack. She said she was sorry for being so mean to me since the break up."
"Really? Hailey apologized? That's a first." I said. "Did she say anything else?"
Ryan wrinkled up his forehead a bit, "Yeah! She made up some weird story about Ariel yelling at her yesterday in the hallway, and then giving her the finger!"
"Hahaha! ARIEL??? Psh! Yeah right!"
"Exactly! I'm not buying that for a second. She'll have to come up with a much more believable lie than that one."
In our history class, Hailey seemed to be a much more civil person than she was before. Well...'civil' considering the fact that she can be a total bitch when she wants to be. It was nice to have some of the heat taken off of us, and I hoped that it was enough to help Ryan feel a bit better about her hating him so much. But...to be honest, something about them 'talking' was beginning to worry me. Hailey isn't really one to give up easy, and the more she keeps pushing and pushing Ryan to give her a reason to get back together, the more he's gonna push me to tell her the truth. And as much as I love my boyfriend, I mean REALLY love my boyfriend...I didn't know if I could handle that. It's not like I WANT to be selfish about this...I just...I can't even begin to predict what kind of chaos that confession could throw my life into. Once it's out there, it's really OUT there! And it never goes away. Nobody would ever look at me in the same way ever again. I could lose everything. Seriously...everything. I just hope Ryan will understand that my hesitation to tell people doesn't have ANYTHING to do with how much I love him and want to dedicate the rest of my life to him. It's not about 'shame'....it's just...about avoiding a change in my life that I can't handle right now. That's all.
The idea plagued me for a while, and I was about to drive myself crazy until I saw Ariel in art class...practically beaming. I thought he had noticed me walk into the room and sit beside him, but he was evidently just staring off into space with a smile. "Ariel?" I asked, and he smiled sweetly at me.
"Hey. When did you get here?"
"Hehehe, just now. You seem...'happy'."
A subtle little blush flooded his cheeks, and he giggled a bit to himself, unable to even answer me. He tried to hold it in, his frail little body almost trembling from the joy bouncing around inside of him, and he finally managed to mumble, "I'm just thinking about stuff."
"Good stuff?" I asked.
"Yeah. Hehehe...good stuff." He brushed his dark hair out of his eyes and tried to keep the giggles down as much as he could. "Sorry. It's just...they were doing construction outside of my house this morning...so..."
I gave him a weird look. "They were doing construction outside of your house? Annnnndd....that makes you happy?"
"It did today." He grinned. Then his blush got deeper as he attempted to shake it off. "Never mind. Hehehe, it's uhh...it's a long story." And believe it or not, Ariel hardly said two words to me for the rest of the period. Every once in a while, for no reason whatsoever, he'd start giggling again to himself. But he'd just clear his throat and straighten up before he drew too much attention to himself. It was an odd display, even for Ariel. But what could I do but just sit back and let him enjoy it. I don't think I've ever seen his eyes twinkle like that. I guess Tyler is taking good care of our baby boy.
When the bell rang, Ariel and I were walking down the hall together. I was trying to get a little bit of a hint as to what was going on with him lately. Especially since him and Tyler dipped off from us at lunch yesterday. But he was pretty tight lipped about the whole thing. The most I could get out of him were a few more bashful snickers and a timid shrug of the shoulder. Which only made me MORE curious! Finally...in a hushed whisper, I had to ask, "Wait...you guys didn't have SEX, did you?"
Ariel's eyes opened wide, and his mouth dropped open in total shock, "Omigod, Randy, NO! We...I...we never..." He was literally squirming at the idea, even through his smile. "...No...we didn't...do it yet..."
"Oh. Ok. It's just...you seem so...giddy today."
Ariel's shyness was increasing by the second, covering him like a thick blanket of fog. "I am? Oh...I didn't mean to make it look like...well, no. We just...umm...I don't know, anything about...'that stuff'." He said. He paused for a moment, and then it looked like he had gotten an idea. "You know what? I've gotta go. I...I need to go get something from my locker." And he turned around completely and started walking in the opposite direction. "I'll see ya later..." Wow, he was being a real weirdo today. And just when I thought he couldn't be any more strange, he crossed paths with Hailey and Amber in the hallway. She started to speak to him but he just put up his hand without even breaking stride. "I'm not talking to you." He said, and kept walking. Hahaha, if nothing else, THAT one moment made my day!
"Randy, what's up, man?" I turned around, and while the voice sounded familiar, the smiling face didn't seem to match it at all.
"Cody? You're...here?" I said, as he approached me with a smirk.
"Where else would I be? I kinda have to be here."
"What happened to ditching Friday so your suspension could be a full week?"
"Ahh well, I was getting bored at home anyway. Might as well come here and get spit on by pissed off jocks and homophobes, right?" He said, his black eye barely visible now after healing up from his 'run in' earlier in the week.
"Are you alright?" I asked. It's not like Cody to really be so 'friendly'. Cool, yes. Witty, sure. I'd even go so far as to say that he was relatively pleasant to be around. But friendly? That's not exactly his style. Ronnie was right...it's almost an unnatural fit on him.
He gave me a strange look, "Don't be a dope. I'm fine. Listen, I've gotta run, but maybe I'll catch up with you later?"
"You're always welcome at the lunch table." I offered.
"Cool. I'll see you then." He'll see me then? Really? Wow...um...ok. It wasn't really what I expected, but if Cody's happy, then I guess I'm happy. Geez, between him and Ariel, I'm starting to think the school put something in the water fountains.
Ryan and I walked down to the cafeteria together, grabbing our lunch trays and making it out to the table. Ryan seemed to be in a much brighter mood than he was in this morning, and it was refreshing to see him smile a bit. I didn't want to bring up anything negative for fear that I'd ruin the moment. But it was a perfect opportunity to at least make an effort to show him I cared. "So, what's up for next week? Your last final exam is on Thursday, right?" I asked.
"Yeah, how come?"
"Duh...our date?"
Ryan gave me a smirk, and playfully rolled his eyes at me. "You were serious about that? I thought we were just, you know...talking, or whatever."
"Well, yeah, we were talking. But it's still a good idea. I think we should totally do it." I told him. "We could go out to a movie, have a nice sit down dinner somewhere, and then just spend some quality time together. Just the two of us."
I think he was trying to hide it from me, but Ryan wiggled a bit inside from the thought of it. "So you really wanna go on a real date? No bullshit?"
"We might as well, we've done everything else. Hehehe, and I don't have to worry about the pressure behind whether or not I'll look too forward by trying to kiss you at the end of the night."
"You? Too forward? Nahhhh..." He giggled.
"This from the boy who tackled me to the floor, pinned me down, and forced me to kiss him the first time."
"Oh yeah, you struggled sooooo hard. Don't know how I was ever able to hold you down." He smirked sarcastically.
"So, does this mean it's a date?"
"It's definitely a date." He said. "I'll see if I can get the car again too. It'll make things more official, you know?" Then he added, "But, just so you know...if you don't put out, you're walking home. So wear your nice panties, sweetheart."
Hehehe, I dutifully gave him a kick in the shin for that comment and we shared a laugh about it as Cody came to sit down at our table with us. Wow...he actually came over without me dragging him this time. "Sup, fellas?"
"Hey, Cody." Ryan said. "Ooh, you know what? I'm glad you came by tonight. There's this guy in my gym class, really cute, kinda 'pretty' almost. I wanted to know if you could tell me whether or not he was gay." He saw me flashing him a surprised look. "What? It's not like I'm gonna ask him out, I just wanna know."
"Why, does he set off your gaydar or something?" Cody asked scarfing some of his food down.
"A little bit, but I can't really tell. It's like, sometimes he seems like he'd totally be into guys, and other times...I'm not so sure." He replied. "So, do you think you could maybe take a look at him? Tell me what you think?"
"Hey, no problem."
"Sweet! I want my sixth sense to be as strong as yours some day." Ryan grinned.
"Patience, young Padawan. All in due time." Cody said, and I couldn't help but smile as I noticed how different Cody seemed without his defenses up so high. Don't get me wrong, I doubt he was anywhere close to crying on anybody's shoulder or anything...he'd still probably cut you to pieces with his razor sharp tongue if he had to. But it was nice to see that he could be slightly more vulnerable once you got him comfortable enough.
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