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Subject: I hope you ROT in AWL-BENNY

Author:
Becki (teary)
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Date Posted: Sun, Oct 19 2008, 11:26:30pm

I got the voicemail you left. I was going to actually call you back, but I need to get all of this out of me uninterrupted. Hopefully at the end of this, you'll understand how I feel.
In your voicemail, you basically said I should have told you what I wanted. We've had that conversation before,more than once, and I did tell you what I wanted. Maybe I didn't explain it well, or maybe you just didn't hear me. Do you remember the night we talked and how I said I wasn't going to ask you to do what I wanted you to do-essentially saying that I want you to get divorced, but I'm not going to ask you for that? And you said you appreciated that, and that it was hard with kids and all that. I understand about your family. I respect marriage. I would never ask you to leave them for me-I'm not that selfish. Besides, I couldn't live with myself if I asked you to do that. On the other hand, if, thru a natural course of events, you and your wife decided to split up, that's different. I will never, NEVER ask you to break up your family for me. If you were to do that on your own, where I am not even a factor, not to mention the driving force, I would be able to live with that. I wouldn't be the woman that took the father away from innocent children. Believe it or not, I do have morals. I don't want to be the mistress, the other woman, whatever you want to call it. I don't want to have an illicit, sordid affair, having to sneak around. I want more. I deserve more. I know it's foolish and naive, but somewhere in my head, I thought that when I moved back here, I actually had a chance of having a real relationship with you. And in my head, based on the statement you made last Christmas- "when are you going to move back here so we can live happily ever after", you wanted the same thing I did. I must have misinterpreted something along the way. I guess that's my fault, so I'll take the responsibility.
So here it is, in black and white, leaving no room for misinterpretation-this is what I want: I want an honest-to-goodness relationship. With you. I want you to be in a place in your life where you can give me what I want. I am in no way, shape, or form asking you to do this, but I want you to be somehow single. I want the happily-ever-after. I want to spend my life with you. Most days, I want kids, until I see one throwing an unbelievable tantrum and then sometimes I have second thoughts. I want you to be in your kids' lives. I want a job that I love going to every day, but love going home to my family more. I want the happy family, complete with nightly enema sex - my fav as you know. Anyway, I want, and deserve, the whole package, wrapped up with a big red bow.
Now, onto what I know. I know I will not ask you to get divorced-that has to be your own decision. I know you will not leave your family. And because I know this about you, I know that I have to get the dream out of my head. I know that in order to come back to reality, I had to start dating. By the way, I am deeply offended that you accused me of lying to you about dating someone. I've tried to wrap my head around why you thought I lied, and I can't. I don't know how your brain works. Then you back-pedaled in your voicemail and said that I should have given you reason for blowing you off and that you felt lied to that way. I don't know what that means. Just so you know, as I write this, I am in the neighborhood and I am tempted to make a surprise visit - I NEED YOU. But I digress...I felt like you were blaming me for actually having a life outside of you. You and I are certainly not a couple-we have nothing that could be construed as a relationship. I am not your girlfriend or your property. Seriously...I need an answer to this question: Given your current marital status, how can you accuse me of blowing you off? We have nothing for me to blow off! So that's why you'll have to answer the question for me.
I don't even know why you would think that I would lie to you. I guess you were right in one of your recent texts or voicemails-you do have trust issues. I'm not trying to pull one over on you-I have no reason to, so I have no reason to lie.
I briefly touched on this before, but I have more room here, so I'll go into more detail. Nothing about your status has changed. Nothing about my feelings about your being married has changed. Clearly, something has to change here. And I think it needs to be our relationship. I want to be the one you call when you can sneak out or when it's otherwise convenient. I want to be the one that you want to be with. I would like to be more than civil if/when I see you out. I would like to know when and where you're playing. I would like to know that we're friends, but I'll understand if you don't want to be, as much as that would hurt.
I hope you can put yourself in my place and see where I'm coming from.
I think I've said my piece. I'm not sure. I might think of more later so you might have to deal with more of my wrath at another time.

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>I got the voicemail you left. I was going to actually >call you back, but I need to get all of this out of me >uninterrupted. Hopefully at the end of this, you'll >understand how I feel. >In your voicemail, you basically said I should have >told you what I wanted. We've had that conversation >before,more than once, and I did tell you what I >wanted. Maybe I didn't explain it well, or maybe you >just didn't hear me. Do you remember the night we >talked and how I said I wasn't going to ask you to do >what I wanted you to do-essentially saying that I want >you to get divorced, but I'm not going to ask you for >that? And you said you appreciated that, and that it >was hard with kids and all that. I understand about >your family. I respect marriage. I would never ask you >to leave them for me-I'm not that selfish. Besides, I >couldn't live with myself if I asked you to do that. >On the other hand, if, thru a natural course of >events, you and your wife decided to split up, that's >different. I will never, NEVER ask you to break up >your family for me. If you were to do that on your >own, where I am not even a factor, not to mention the >driving force, I would be able to live with that. I >wouldn't be the woman that took the father away from >innocent children. Believe it or not, I do have >morals. I don't want to be the mistress, the other >woman, whatever you want to call it. I don't want to >have an illicit, sordid affair, having to sneak >around. I want more. I deserve more. I know it's >foolish and naive, but somewhere in my head, I thought >that when I moved back here, I actually had a chance >of having a real relationship with you. And in my >head, based on the statement you made last Christmas- >"when are you going to move back here so we can live >happily ever after", you wanted the same thing I did. >I must have misinterpreted something along the way. I >guess that's my fault, so I'll take the responsibility. >So here it is, in black and white, leaving no room for >misinterpretation-this is what I want: I want an >honest-to-goodness relationship. With you. I want you >to be in a place in your life where you can give me >what I want. I am in no way, shape, or form asking you >to do this, but I want you to be somehow single. I >want the happily-ever-after. I want to spend my life >with you. Most days, I want kids, until I see one >throwing an unbelievable tantrum and then sometimes I >have second thoughts. I want you to be in your kids' >lives. I want a job that I love going to every day, >but love going home to my family more. I want the >happy family, complete with nightly enema sex - my fav >as you know. Anyway, I want, and deserve, the whole >package, wrapped up with a big red bow. >Now, onto what I know. I know I will not ask you to >get divorced-that has to be your own decision. I know >you will not leave your family. And because I know >this about you, I know that I have to get the dream >out of my head. I know that in order to come back to >reality, I had to start dating. By the way, I am >deeply offended that you accused me of lying to you >about dating someone. I've tried to wrap my head >around why you thought I lied, and I can't. I don't >know how your brain works. Then you back-pedaled in >your voicemail and said that I should have given you >reason for blowing you off and that you felt lied to >that way. I don't know what that means. Just so you >know, as I write this, I am in the neighborhood and I >am tempted to make a surprise visit - I NEED YOU. But >I digress...I felt like you were blaming me for >actually having a life outside of you. You and I are >certainly not a couple-we have nothing that could be >construed as a relationship. I am not your girlfriend >or your property. Seriously...I need an answer to this >question: Given your current marital status, how can >you accuse me of blowing you off? We have nothing for >me to blow off! So that's why you'll have to answer >the question for me. >I don't even know why you would think that I would lie >to you. I guess you were right in one of your recent >texts or voicemails-you do have trust issues. I'm not >trying to pull one over on you-I have no reason to, so >I have no reason to lie. >I briefly touched on this before, but I have more room >here, so I'll go into more detail. Nothing about your >status has changed. Nothing about my feelings about >your being married has changed. Clearly, something has >to change here. And I think it needs to be our >relationship. I want to be the one you call when you >can sneak out or when it's otherwise convenient. I >want to be the one that you want to be with. I would >like to be more than civil if/when I see you out. I >would like to know when and where you're playing. I >would like to know that we're friends, but I'll >understand if you don't want to be, as much as that >would hurt. >I hope you can put yourself in my place and see where >I'm coming from. >I think I've said my piece. I'm not sure. I might >think of more later so you might have to deal with >more of my wrath at another time.
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