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Date Posted: 03:55:01 06/04/13 Tue
Author: Annie
Subject: Ravenbeauty's sad facebook update from 6/2/13

I love you guys more than you will ever know. For me, those are not just pretty words (I mean it). You have been there for me through everything. When I was a high profile ABC Gossip columnist to my radio shows with various celebrities to this nightmare which began for me in October 2011. You were fans and readers of my column. That's how I saw you and you saw me for a long time (or most of you at least). Then my life was threatened by this rare cancer, which has caused me nothing but pain, sleepless nights, and worry beyond anything you can even imagine, and then you became friends and a sort of extended family for me (my real family are all pretty much gone due to cancer).

I don't know why I feel like I am letting you down when I have bad news, but for some reason I always do. Johns feels that it's crazy for me to feel this way, but I don't want to appear weak and pathetic (pride). I want to be the strong, fierce woman I have always been. I don't want to let you down.

John and I were in the emergency room for nearly 14 hours on Friday. They wanted to admit me, but I refused (in a kind way). I wasn't rude or nasty. In fact, the people there were so incredibly sweet at this particular hospital, and their emergency room so clean and sterile. That was the only good part of what happened on Friday. Tuesday night, I began having these strange pains behind my heart in my back, and my arm was feeling weird. John was already asleep (the man barely gets any sleep these days as it is). I took some aspirin and just lay on my pillow praying and waiting to see if things calmed down (I know what you are thinking, but the thought of dying in a hospital is my worst nightmare). I feel that if they ever get me in one of those beds again, I will never see my own again. If you guys will recall, during that holiday show in my honor in December of 2011, I had lost my voice and was sick for three months straight. John was over it in a week, but it cost me much more. If I caught something in the hospital, it would be game over. If you knew my history, you would understand why this is quite true. A flu is life threatening for me.

Fast forward to early Friday morning. Out of the blue, I began having the worst pain I have ever felt in my life under my right arm and in my right abdomen very high up where my breast used to me. It was so swollen, that John could barely get dressed because he was a nervous wreck, and me, I was in tears because we were so sure it was my liver. It's still a very large swelling. They did a chest X-ray and an EKG first, which were clear, although they did see some bronchial stuff (I have been coughing for a few days). Because I cannot bend or stand up straight due to this intense pain on my right side, they had me drink CT contrast and then injected me with contrast and did an abdominal scan (they also did blood work, which had not all come back yet as they were running liver enzymes, which ended up being normal).

Oddly enough, it was not my liver or anything they could see to explain the sharp pain. They knew how much pain I was in because I could not straighten up, but we could not see what was causing this (the liver looked fine). What they did find was that the cancer has now spread to my left kidney (out of left field for John and I completely). :(

The doctor who was on call said that he was very worried and wanted to admit me, but the thought of sleeping in those beds, which are so painful you want to die (and over a weekend where they can really do so very little), made it seem too risky for catching something I can't get rid of and being miserable for nothing. I had to try and weigh everything out as best as I could. As it is, they did not even offer me something for the pain until we had been there 9 hours! If you could feel this pain, you would know why this by itself was scary. As you know, my Oncologist who really took care of me, is no longer there anymore, so I had to wonder if they would even keep me comfortable over the weekend, and it was just not an option for me. They saw a lot of fluid (Seroma's) and sent me back to the CT scanner again with Interventional Radiology to put a drain in (this led to me vomiting quite a bit). I had no food in my stomach except for that orange flavored CT Contrast, and the thought of dealing with drains again made me sick to my stomach, literally. WE asked him what they thought might be causing this because it is so extreme and the swelling so obvious, and he had this funny look on his face and asked me when my next Oncology appointment was. John and I did not need it skywritten. The part of my chest wall where this is so excruciating is near where that large lump of Angiosarcoma was. I thought I was going to pass out. John started to cry like a baby, and I didn't even have the words anymore. I am so angry.

We were in that room for almost 14 hours except for when they brought me to the CT scanner, and back again to get drains put in, which are drawing almost nothing out of me, but blood. It's not a lot of blood or we would have returned by now. Oddly enough, that emergency room doctor was the one to call us the next day to check in on me which was rare and very sweet of him (usually a nurse will call you the next day). He asked how much blood was coming out from the drains and we explained that it was not that much. They stuck the drain right where the swelling is, even though I tried to explain to the radiologist that I usually get referred Seroma's. They should have scanned me higher up because last time, the breast surgeon found that my swelling would go down by draining a Seroma higher up or adjacent (they were so busy in there, I don't think he even understood what I was trying to tell him). I did not want a drain again. The fevers have been constant too. If I keep the Percocet going, it brings them down to something reasonable (thank God, I still have some). My white Blood count has been going up each time we run blood as well. It was 9.5, then it was 10.5, then it was 11.4, then it was 12. and now it is 14.5. I know this is not what they want you to do, but I made an executive decision on my own, and had a course of Keflex in my drawer, and started to take it Saturday morning. It's worth a try to see if the pain is due to infection (and not a bad idea with drains inside of me with my shot immune system). If the Keflex does not help me and my white count remains high or gets higher, I guess we will know why the white cells are rising (the cancer). I nearly cried taking the first pill knowing this is going to really feed the fungal infection, but I had to try (and I have taken no antibiotics for almost a year). They show I have an infection, and it keeps getting higher and higher. I don't want to wait until it's through the roof to try an antibiotic.

We already had an appointment planned with the new Oncologist for Tuesday so that I could get my port flushed and blood drawn, but now obviously we will have other things to discuss. I will need Insulin to bring my blood sugar down so that they can do an immediate PET Scan (they will not allow you to do a PET if your blood sugar is over 180-200). I had perfect blood sugar until I began chemo and now it's given me full blown Diabetes. Exhausted, scared, and expecting to probably be admitted on Tuesday. The pain is still severe and the fevers are still coming. I don't know when I will be able to update you again because everything is now up in the air. John is going to try and update you if I am unable to. All we kept talking about is why NOW. I just got the Gleevec and it wasn't easy. I keep thinking, why would God bring me through this to getting the Gleevec only to die before getting a chance to see if it can pull me out. We actually thought it was the Gleevec that had knocked my liver out because some have had complete liver failure after doing Gleevec, but according to them, it's not my liver (and I am thankful for that). We don't know what to think or feel anymore. You just get numb after a while. I feel like I am letting you down somehow because you had so much faith in me that I would make it. Sitting here in my mastectomy camisole (something I never wanted to see ever again that holds the drains for you), feverish, and in incredible pain. Losing hope, but praying harder than you know. I wasn't even thinking about my Kidneys as having a problem. Just so tired......

Most people would have jumped off a bridge by now, so you will have to excuse me if I don't sound positive at the moment. If I were a robot, it would be so much easier.

If I do get admitted on Tuesday (they plan on squeezing me in to get the drains out while I am there to see the new oncologist), John will keep you updated. I love you. God bless you for the prayers. It's been a real lighthouse for me. There are people in this world who are so callous and cold, that they can't reach out with a kind word for anyone, but not you. You are angels, and I thank you with everything in me for it. ¢¾

Raven's direct facebook link

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Replies:

[> Re: Ravenbeauty's sad facebook update from 6/2/13 -- Anti- ABC Fan, 08:29:09 06/04/13 Tue [1]

Raven- DO NOT worry about us. We love you and the only thing you need to do is concentrate on what is best for you and John. You have in no way shape or form let us down.

As long as someone keeps us non facebook people updated, we're good to go.

Huge hugs and prayers being sent your way always.
Love you tons-


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[> [> Re: Ravenbeauty's sad facebook update from 6/2/13 -- Rapids, 20:37:42 06/04/13 Tue [1]

Raven, take care of yourself and John. Many prayers for your health and comfort. You are very brave to share your story.


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[> [> Re: Ravenbeauty's sad facebook update from 6/2/13 -- mark, 04:19:18 06/05/13 Wed [1]

my prayers and deepest sympathies go out to you. You are a great person and a great columnist and you do not deserve what is happening. I hope some miracle happens and you get better. I will be praying for you.

mark


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[> Re: Ravenbeauty's sad facebook update from 6/2/13 -- Hannah (healing light, love, and hope), 09:50:37 06/04/13 Tue [1]

(((Ravenbeauty))),

My prayers that a miracle come your way soon continue - I wish I could do more.

All my love,
Hannah


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[> Re: Ravenbeauty's sad facebook update from 6/2/13 -- monika, 10:55:47 06/04/13 Tue [1]

You are not letting anyone down Raven -- don't ever think that.

You are an amazing, courageous woman.

I hope that you are able to be treated by your former wonderful oncologist again, and that you get real benefits from the Gleevec.

Know that you are surrounded by love and prayers.


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[> Re: Ravenbeauty's sad facebook update from 6/2/13 -- GoodWillTalking, 13:11:30 06/04/13 Tue [1]

Raven, you have enough to worry about. Please don't worry about letting us down, because that's just not ever a possibility. Just concentrate on your health. I'm so sorry you're in such pain.


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[> Re: Ravenbeauty's sad facebook update from 6/2/13 -- Peaceful (Peaceful), 13:19:48 06/04/13 Tue [1]

Sending positive thoughts your way, wish we could do more.


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[> [> Re: Ravenbeauty's sad facebook update from 6/2/13 -- Barbara, 08:34:06 06/05/13 Wed [1]

Raven,
Always thinking of us, you are an angel... Please know you could never let us down. You are one of the strongest people I've come to know, thru your words, I feel like I know you. Please take care of yourself, and enjoy each day with John. I am Diabetic, know that injecting insulin is "no biggie", it will actually be a relief to you, as you will have control with the insulin over your blood sugars. If you have to take notes when given the instructions on dosages, etc. do so. Give a shout out here, I come on every couple of days to check in... I'd be glad to help if I can. Know you are in my thoughts and prayers. And I wish only the best for you and John. I'm sorry you are in pain, I hope you can take something stronger if possible, to help alleviate some of it at least.
Know you are loved, thought of, in my prayers and wished the best...
{{{{Hugs}}}} Barbara


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[> Re: Ravenbeauty's sad facebook update from 6/2/13 -- Praying for you, 06:08:56 06/05/13 Wed [1]

Dearest Raven,
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your beloved John. May God bless you both and bring you strength, comfort and peace always.


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[> Re: Ravenbeauty's sad facebook update from 6/2/13 -- Laura (Praying), 00:04:33 06/06/13 Thu [1]

Please don't worry about us. Focus on your own journey. We are blessed to be here to comfort you. Your posts are a great source of inspiration and strength. xoxo


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[> [> Re: Ravenbeauty's sad facebook update from 6/2/13 -- Louise, 00:35:42 06/07/13 Fri [1]

My dear Raven there is NOTHING in the world you could do that would ever let us down. We know each one of us will one day have to move on from this life to the next. It’s the way you travel the path that matters and you have shown the outstanding strength of the human spirit. A true inspiration. When it comes time to let go, do it with no worry. Having been with each of my parents at their passing, I know family will come to guide you to a higher plane of existence, with God.


Listen to the words of Jesus on the night before he was crucified:

Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am (John 14:1-3).

Twice in three verses Jesus calls heaven a place. He means that heaven ("my Father's house") is a real place filled with real people. Which, is why the Bible sometimes compares heaven to a mansion with many rooms (John 14:1-3) and sometimes to an enormous city teeming with people (Revelation 21).

The Bible also tells us that heaven is the dwelling place of God. His throne is there, the angels are there, and the Lord Jesus Christ is in heaven. Philippians 3:20 says very plainly that "our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ."

That's why Jesus told the thief on the Cross, "Today you will be with me in paradise" (Luke 23:43).


Love and blessings sent to both you and John.


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