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Date Posted: 00:56:04 10/31/12 Wed
Author: GoodWillTalking (sad)
Subject: Raven's Facebook posting on Sunday, 10/28

Here is what Raven posted this past Sunday 10/28/12:
"Words will never be adequate for the love you have shown me here. This has been the darkest week of my life. Darker than my original diagnosis. Darker because the surgeons have given up on me, and everyone expects me to go home and die. The tumor under my right am is starting to hurt as well the mass growing on my left chest wall area (lesion is growing). That and the relentless pain I have had in my tailbone and left leg for the past two weeks straight is beginning to eat away at my spirit in ways I never thought possible. I'm angry that nobody will operate on this and at least get the tumors out that are causing me so much pain. I just don't understand how they can just write me off this way. Would they do this if I was their own child? A question I ask myself a lot these days.

This past week, I have been inconsolable and unable to think straight. There is only so much the human spirit can take. It doesn't matter how strong you are or how positive you try to be. When a third surgeon tells you that there is no hope and he is a specialist in Sarcoma of the chest, you begin to lose whatever strength you had left in your reserves even if you are Hercules. I have no idea if this pain I am feeling is from the cancer now going to my bones or sudden, extreme, Sciatica, but I haven't slept in nearly two weeks from it. The only thing that takes the edge off are (2) Percocet's, (1) Flexeril, and (4) Advils, and that scares me. When I hear from my Oncologist, I am going to go ahead with a Bone Scan because certain measures we might take to make me more comfortable are dependent on what we are dealing with.

It was heartbreaking for me to cancel my shows with Jaclyn Smith and Mark Pavia. It was just too soon after hearing this heartbreaking news. I just couldn't piece myself back together again in time. John is urging me to try to do my show next Friday morning with Linda Evans if I can get through it as he knows how much joy it would bring me, but I honestly don't know that I can do it. We have all had to fake a smile at one time or another in our lives, but it would mean pushing through in a way that I have never done before. I just adore Linda Evans and want to try if possible (and it gives me another week to try and get my bearings). I've never felt so beaten down in my life. I will keep you posted, but for now, I have not canceled my show next week with Linda Evans as of yet. I will see where I am at as we draw nearer to Friday morning. We have a raging storm coming our way so I have no idea what impact this will bring me either. We may lose power.

The one positive is something I just did, and only because I know I am facing death without question anymore. I know that everyone has given up on me that has even seen my case and told me to go home and die, but I contacted one of the top hospitals in this country who have done clinical trials on Angiosarcoma and poured my heart out as to what has happened to me so far and that I have been written off. I emailed them the entire story with my stats from my first bout with breast cancer down to now. I emailed the doctor that has been affiliated with these trials (one of which sadly ended on September 1, that dealt with unrecessible, inoperable, advanced Angiosarcoma). We were quite surprised to get an email back over the weekend. The doctor would like to see me, however it means that the planets would need to align just right to pull a long shot like this off. It means my doctors would need to write my insurance company in an appeals process to get approval for this center to treat me.

I don't want to get my hopes up, but I wanted you to know that I have reached out of the darkness and am playing my last card despite the grim news they gave me. Because I have Lymphadema in my left arm and flying makes me so ill, it has to be somewhere drivable and this one is, but it is nearly ten hours away. They are at the forefront of this rare cancer. I told John that I know in my heart that my Mom would want me to try. I don't know if it's too late because things may have progressed even further by the time anyone can get me into this hospital (and that's if my insurance will make an exception in my case). It means using a very toxic and powerful chemo being tested against Angiosarcoma and that has me shaking to be honest, but I am out of options now. John and I just hugged and cried most of the weekend because it's all so overwhelming and dark. We are both exhausted and the pain is getting to me. Eating away at my strength.

I don't know if I am reaching for the moon or an impossible dream at this point, but knowing my situation, this doctor said that she would like to see me (of course I have had other doctors say they want to see me only to say that the case is hopeless and they can't do anything in the end). Not easy on John who has to take off work every time we go to one of these visits. Now it's up to my insurance and God. As hopeless as this is, I just feel that I need to be able to say that I did all that I could. This is the top hospital in the country for Angiosarcoma. If anyone can help me at this point, it's probably them. I guess I have to try, but I won't lie to you, I feel that things are hopeless at this point. It's not as if I have been given reasons not to feel this way. We have to practically beg people to look at this case. Just tired and sick of this pain.......

A big hug going out to actress Jaclyn Smith for the most beautiful pink roses I have ever seen in my life. Had a good cry when those came. They are so lovely and light up my bedroom like a Christmas tree. ♥

Another big hug to Kassie DePaiva for what she said in her blog this week in regard to my situation. God bless you Kassie. When I heard about this, and saw it for myself, I was deeply touched and so grateful for your kindness and compassion. You are a beautiful woman through and through. So much love to you....♥

I promise to keep you posted on all of this. If things get to the point where I can no longer write to you. John will be contacting Flo directly by phone to let you know what is happening with me. I am also going to ask my family if they would consider making my services public in case some of you would like to attend when that day comes. No matter what, you will always be kept in the loop. For today, I am alive.....♥"

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[> Re: Raven's Facebook posting on Sunday, 10/28 -- Johanna, 08:29:26 10/31/12 Wed [1]

I have read you faithfully for years and enjoyed your blogs. When I read your last post and how you truly felt alone and abondoned this week, my heart had to respond. I want to tell you something: God is with you now. Christ has and always will be with you. He tells us this in Matthew 28:20 "surely I am with you always, to the very end". If this is your time, he will be with you. Lean on him and he will see you through this life and into the next life. Its ok to be scared. "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no eveil, for you are with me" (paslm 23) Give it all to God and accept his will, but don't stop fighting for we really can't know what God has planned for any of us in this life. All we are assured of, is that when this earthly body is no more, Heaven awaits us.
May the Lord bless you and keep you and your loved ones close. You will never be alone

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[> Re: Raven's Facebook posting on Sunday, 10/28 -- Heather Ferrari, 11:40:06 10/31/12 Wed [1]

Raven, I am so heart broken for you. Please know that I continue to pray for a miracle for you and your husband. I think of how Jesus brought the girl back to life after she died and raised Lazarus from the dead; it's never beyond hope when it comes to Him.

I wanted to reach out to you in case you wanted someone to talk to about what comes next if God does decide it's time to call his little girl home. I know that, aside from leaving our loved ones behind, the unknown can be the scariest part.

My email is hlferrari@gmail.com. Please know that I'm here should you want to ask any questions or talk. If I don't know the answer, I will put in the legwork to search the bible and find it for you.

You are surrounded by love and prayers. Rest easy.


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[> Re: Raven's Facebook posting on Sunday, 10/28 -- rapido, 09:06:08 11/01/12 Thu [1]

Raven, I am so sorry, there are no words to convey how sad I am. Try to get at least a consult with the sarcoma specialist, I agree leave no stone unturned.
I'm concerned about your pain management. Talk to a physician ASAP about a better drug regimen. If he cannot help you ask to see a pain specialist. Sometimes radiation therapy is used for cancer pain, ask about that.
Thoughts prayers and hugs to you. God Bless you. I wish I could help. Life is so unfair.

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[> Re: Raven's Facebook posting on Sunday, 10/28 -- Brittany, 10:13:45 11/01/12 Thu [1]

Raven, I'll be praying for you. I've read your column for as long as it has existed. You're eloquent words have meant so much. You are a beautiful soul and radiant spirit. God Bless You.

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[> Re: Raven's Facebook posting on Sunday, 10/28 -- Nancee, 10:58:57 11/01/12 Thu [1]

Stay strong, Raven. We are all here for you. We are helping you with prayers and sending our strength to you. Trust in the Lord.

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