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Date Posted: 02:10:30 05/09/06 Tue
In reply to: 's message, "Does this make any sense?" on 08:05:12 05/23/05 Mon
I would like to tell you a bit about my situation before I begin. I lost both my brothers before the age of 30 (I am now 31). I am the youngest and only girl in the family. My eldtest brother contracted an infection after an operation and I also watched him die a slow and painful death over 78 days. He was connected to a ventilator and eventually died of multiple organ failure two days after I gave birth to my little boy. It seemed so unreal as our family could not believe this was once again happening to us! My middle brother died while I was pregnant with my first child and I almost lost my baby when this happened. Immediately after I had my second child and Johan died, I had myself sterilized, I believed I was bringing bad luck by being pregnant. My eldest brother died in 2004 and I still struggle with the grief. Each time I think I'm over his death, I would get a day like today and totally fade to grey! I probably would also have given myself over to alcohol and tabs if it was not for having to look after my kids. I sometimes found it so hard to be a mother when I felt like being a total bitch - excuse my french. I had a friend with whom I've been friends with since first grade. She started ignorning me, not being there for me. Ironically, she asked for my forgiveness when her husband was diagnosed with Cancer. We became friends again and he died two months ago - I am now the only one who stands by her, who understands her pain. Our other friends are totally ignorant of her, because they don't know what to say. Today I understand that it's not because they don't want to be there, it just that they don't know how you feel and cannot deal with it. I had to forgive my best friend for doing that, and are today so grateful that I have. I know I have wished for someone close to her to die also so she could feel how lonely I felt. Today, I regret that, it's just strange how life turns out... My heart goes out to you and your brother would not want you to "ruin" your life if he could see you, I'm sure of that. But, a grieving person goes into a "self-destruction" mode. My advice to you, take it one day at a time and don't haunt yourself by looking at your future without your brother. One day at a time please....
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