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Subject: sibling death during childhood

Author: Mary

[ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ] Date Posted: 07:28:51 09/11/05 Sun I have been reading this message board and have been trying to figure out how to condense my story. I am the youngest of 8 kids and when I was 10, my 18 year old sister died of cancer 2 weeks before her High School graduation. My last living image of her was when my parents were taking her to the hospital for the last time and she was gasping for breath in the back seat of their car. The day she died, I was supposed to go see her so I never technically got to say goodbye. After her death, everyone simply went their own way in an effort ot cope and, I believe, survive. I became the "oldest" in the sense that I became hypersensitive about making sure everyone was OK. I never talked to anyone about her death and when my anxiety escalated as I was about to graduate from HS (on the anniversary of her death, no less) my parents took me to a psychologist who said I was the "all american girl". I guess in the back of my mind I figured anxiety was going to be a way of life for me. About 5 years ago, my anxiety raged out of control and I began to see a wonderful therapist but the piece I was missing was talking to someone else who has been through the same thing as I had been through. I began my search a few months ago and found this website. For the most part, my anxiety is under control but every once in a while, it spikes. So, is there anyone out there who as not only experienced the death of a sib in childhood but has battled anxiety, and if so, is there hope to ever resolve this childhood trauma? I'm in my late 30's now and it continues to play itself out in the form of being fearful of the day my parents die.I just love them so much and am in such awe of how they survived watching their child die over a period of a year. Suggestions anyone? [ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]

Replies:

[> Subject: Re: sibling death during childhood

Author: Mary [Edit]

Date Posted: 20:08:32 09/12/05 Mon Hi Mary, Glad that you found us, as many of us have experienced the loss of a sibling during childhood. I've lost a sister when I was a 11 and a brother later in life. Like you, I am hypersensitive to all that are around me and spend much of my time making sure that everyone is alright. Through childhood, I did not talk about my sister's death. Somehow it distinguished me from other children and I did not want to stand out in anyway. Now, most people are uncomfortable around me, because talking about death is a natural conversation for me. I do experience anxiety at times, but mostly around the anniversary death dates of my siblings. I do obssess at times about my parents death, oh heck my brother's and my partner's death as well. My worry is not as frequent as it used to be. After my 2nd sibling died, I developed sort of a "come what may" attitude. Mary, you sound like most of us, I have days that really get me down and then sometimes sail right through a particular rough period of time without a hitch. Losing a sibling in childhood impacts your for the rest of your life. It is almost like you have to grow accustomed to living without them during each new phase of your life. I don't think we totally every get over it, but I'm better able to cope with my emotions most days. I attribute my good days mostly to the fact that I communicating with other siblings on this site. take care, Mary [ Post a Reply to This Message ]

[> [> Subject: Re: sibling death during childhood
Author: Mary [Edit]	Date Posted: 12:19:46 09/13/05 Tue Hi Mary, Have you found that anything in particular helps ease your anxiety or do you think it's simply time that allows the pain to surface and be somewhat resolved? [ Post a Reply to This Message ]

[> [> [> Subject: Re: sibling death during childhood

Author: No name [Edit]

Date Posted: 19:18:17 09/14/05 Wed Mary, Wow, your question really makes me have to think for awhile. Most of the time, I feel that when my anxiety is heightened, it is best to face my feelings. When I try to bury them, they just resurface later and at either inappropriate times or even more intense then before. The difference between losing my first sibling and second sibling, is that I did not have the emotional maturity to deal with the first one. When my brother died, I allowed myself to grieve and cried for almost 6 months (except for when I was working). Through facing his death, it helped me to face hers. His death after losing my sister also helped me to understand a very simple principle about death. We lose the people we love or they lose us. Sounds simple, but treating people differently because you might lose them is not a bad idea. But allowing their feelings or lives to be more important than yours can cause problems. I have tried to learn to face my own emotions and balance my relationship with my family. I am more likely to state my needs and talk about my emotions as well as still listen to theirs. None of this has occured overnight, my brother died a week before Christmas 1998 and my sister died in 1968. My family dynamics changed drastically both times and neither time was I prepared for the changes. But as my siblings' deaths changed me, it also changed everyone else as well. Hope this helps a little, there is no right way for anyone to face the loss of a loved one or the resulting anxiety it can cause. But now when I get overly anxious, it helps to stop myself and try to face the emotion. take care and let me know how you are doing... Mary [ Post a Reply to This Message ]

[> [> [> [> Subject: Re: sibling death during childhood

Author: Mary [Edit]

Date Posted: 08:26:44 09/23/05 Fri Hi Mary, Thanks for your reply. I've been working hard over the past few years to "process" my grief, and have missed an important step. By simply trying to "deal" with and "address" this loss, I kept it at an intellectual level and forgot to tell myself that it was "OK" to feel the pain associated with it. As odd as that sounds, I've been really hard on myself and have engaged in a lot of negative self- talk (e.Why can't I get over this? Why can't I deal with this?). I believe this has been a unconscious form of resisting the goal I was trying to achieve.(Perhaps survivor guilt...anxiety keeps me connected to the pain of losing her). I know I have more work to do and that only I can do it. However, I can't underestimate the power of connecting with people who have had the experience of losing a sibling. It will continue to be an important part of the healing process. [ Post a Reply to This Message ]

[> [> [> [> [> Subject: :-D Re: sibling death during childhood

Author: emma (thinking) [Edit]

Date Posted: 12:09:08 02/09/07 Fri I lost my beautiful brother 2 years ago in a car accident. he was only 17 and being 13 years older than him i was some what of a second mum to him. His death distroyed my family, but at the same time it brought us closer. My family has also had to go throgh a court trial over his death meaning that we've had to replay what our emotions were over and over again. my mother has gone to so many psychics trying to reach my brother. Sadly i do think that its the only connection that she has got with her son. But some think good allways comes out of some thing bad i have learnt so much a a person and i'm training to be a nurse, i want to help save a life of some one in the same situation as my brother because then he would not of died in vain and i would think that it would of all been worth the pain. [ Post a Reply to This Message ]

[> [> [> [> Subject: Re: sibling death during childhood

Author: joycie (numb) [Edit]

Date Posted: 15:54:08 11/14/09 Sat my mother told me once that one death prepares you for the next one she was so correct. october use to be such a wondreous month for myself I love the change of seasons the sun glistening through the leaves of red yellow oranges .October has changed my heart as I would lose my younger brother five days after he turned fifty heart attack!Twenty four months ago I miss him so dearly! OCTOBER MY BIG SISSY WENT HOME WITH OUR LORD> OCT>12,2009 iRONICALY OCTOBER 28, 2009 MY BIG BROTHER AS WELL BOTH SUFFERED WITH CANCER. i FEEL AS THOUGH i AM IN A HORRIBLE NIGHTMARE DONT EVEN KNOW HOW i JOURNEYED INTO THIS SIGHT MY HEARTFELT SYMPATHIES REACH OUT TO EACH AND EVERYONE OF YOUS DONT LET YOUR LOVED ONES MEMORIES FADE WE WILL ALWAYS CARRY THEM IN OUR HEARTS FOR NOW. lISTEN QUIETLY THEY WILL TRY TO GUIDE US . TRY TO STAY STRONG! bLESS YOUR LOVED ONES Bless yous All.. [ Post a Reply to This Message ]