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| Subject: Rejected by parents after death of both siblings | |
Author: Karen | [ Next Thread |
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] Date Posted: 22:43:01 12/31/05 Sat Tragically my 29 year old brother was killed in an accident 8 years ago, and twelve months after his death, my beloved 38-year old sister died after a 4-year battle with cancer. My parents directed a lot of anger at both my brother-in-law and myself a few months before my sister died. They have sustained this anger during the 7 years since my sister's death; by the way my parents communicate with and treat my brother-in-law and his lovely new partner, and 6 years ago they asked me not to contact them anymore. I was "not a good enough person" to be their only child. Over the years I've had angry and taunting phone messages and letters from my parents, and they have also said very unkind things about me to other family members. Unfortunately this has also isolated me from all my family on my mother's side. Has anyone else experienced this? Rejection from parents as the only surviving sibling? On one level I understand that my parents' actions come from their grief, and are based on emotions - mainly anger - and are not rational, i.e. not due to anything I've done. However I feel that 7 years ago I not only lost my beloved sister and brother - I lost most of my family through my parents reactions to their own loss. My parents are now in their 70's I now have little or no expectations of them changing their attitude towards me. [ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ] |
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Author: Pleasant [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 06:44:44 01/01/06 Sun I am sorry for your loss and sad to say that it is not unique. Your parents may be more open about their anger than some are, but it does happen. Such hostility is often associated with a survivor's guilt about something they did or did not do -- they are trying to externalize their own guilt feelings. I do not think this is the end of the relationship with them, but you may need space for awhile. Meantime, focus on taking care of and being a good parent to yourself. You've had a terrible loss, one that can rob life itself of meaning. Find a place, like a church or synagogue, where you can find a community of like-minded people and make good, in depth relationships, to help support you. When you have experienced more healing, you will be more able to handle the response of your parents. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
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Author: Karen [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 22:45:23 01/03/06 Tue Pleasant, Thank you so much for your advice and kind wishes. Much appreciated. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
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Author: marie [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 13:36:54 01/07/06 Sat i know how you feel, my family blame me for my younger brothers suicide. they told me recently i chose my husband over the family! my sons are 6years and 9 years old, the point i'm trying to make is my brother killed himself only in april 2004 (nearly 2 years ago). i have told my mum who i do love, but has been so difficult to leave me alone to give me space. they even have the cheek to upset other family members who speak to me or my husband. the funeral day was ruined by my father hassling me whilst there! flowers have been returned from his place of death by my other brother who is nothing but trouble, he told me i was not welcome at his place of death, or even in the family..... lots more has happened to, but too much to mention. so to answer your question your not alone. i hope your doing ok Karen, my heart goes out to you in a big way! [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
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Author: Karen [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 22:22:05 01/16/06 Mon Hi Marie, our situation sounds quite similar in many ways. Thanks so much for sharing yours with me. My father choose to say untruthful/hurtful things about me as part of my sister's eulogy. It feels to me that my parents expected my only role in my brother's and sister's death was as a support to them. They never acknowledged my loss. You will no doubt understand on a rational/intellectual level that in no way are you to blame for your brother's death. Or that you have 'chosen' anyone above anyone else. Especially as your husband and sons are 'family'. But these sorts of accusation are deeply wounding on an emotional level. I think I will carry the hurt of my parents' rejection for the rest of my life. But as time goes by, I find it easier to accept this situation, and just appreciate the joy I experience in other relationships. Karen [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
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Author: marie [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 13:05:53 01/23/06 Mon thank you for posting yours too. it kind of helps to know i'm not on my own with family situations being as they are and you too are not on your own. what does not kill you makes you stronger so i hear! i think there could be some truth in that. you sound very kind, understanding and caring, it's a real shame your family did not realise it before they did and said what they have. i do agree though about carrying the rejection of parents, somehow you've given me some more strenth out without knowing. thank you for replying and you take care. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
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Author: michele [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 07:53:30 07/28/06 Fri Iam so sorry to even hear this , (i happend to come across this site through a friend.) however, i am a PARENT who lost a child.( a precious 8 yearold boy), when i read what you are going through with your parents it touches me in away that i feel for you so much , i understand the pain your parents are feeling to , but instead of carrying this anger they need to embrace you because you need support as much as they do , i have two daughters who i thank god above that i have them , without them i do not know how to get through each painful moment ,family is so important and if your parents should ever some how turn to you and comfort one another it will make the greif some how easier to endure ,beleive me i know how painful this is . i just want to express my heart felt thoughts to you all and i hope your parents some how see things the way i do , and that is to be there for one another . they need you as much as you need them , i wish you all peace and a much healing god bless you all and remember, our dear loved ones who left this world are with us and helping us to cope ...please take care ...sincerly ,michele [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
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Author: Cheryl [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 20:51:53 07/27/06 Thu I cannot express how much this website has touched the pain in my heart since my younger brother's death. I have felt so alone in my grief. It is so true that just connecting with other people who have lost a sibling is a healing in itself. I find myself logging on everyday just to know that there are other people who understand. My younger brother died on 3/15/04. Actually we don't know what day he actually died. My mother and sister went to check on him after not hearing from him in 5 days. As they walked up to his apartment, they saw flies on the windows and smelled a foul odor. They called the police and the police confirmed their fears. His body was cremated within hours. My brother who was 49 years old was gone. In truth, my brother had been dying for 2 years. He was addicted to narcotics and was an alcoholic. He had been fired from his job as a civilian naval intelligence officer, his wife had left him, he had gone bankrupt, and he had given up. He was living in a government housing area in the town where my parents and sister live. My family imploded on May 20 of this year. My family is so dysfunctional, our childhood was very difficult. My brother and I are 18 months apart and my sister is 11 years younger than me. My brother and I had a very special bond because of our childhood experience - he was my witness to what happened in our home and we survived together. We were army brats and moved about 15 times in 20 years. This also was an important part of our bond. On May 20, after we had attended my niece's graduation, we went to my parent's house and my mother told me that I did nothing for my brother the last year of his life and my sister physically assaulted me. My mother's behavior was all too familiar but my sister's totally blew me away. My father was there and did nothing, another pattern. On Monday of this week, I received a letter from my father - this is the first communication I have received since that day - no phone calls - nothing. He called what happed a "fuss" and did not know how it started. He also accused me of being under the influence of drugs or alcohol (I am a recovering alcoholic and addict). These past four days I have felt exactly like I did in the days and weeks immediately after my brother died. Until I read about secondary losses on this website I could not understand my feelings and was so appreciative of your message. It is a second death. I obviously cannot be with these people again. But these people are my father, mother and sister. I read somewhere that the death of a family member brings out the best and worst in families. This is about as bad as it gets. I felt so alone until I found this website Tuesday night. Whoever is responsible for creating this website is an angel. And I mean that literally for me. I cannot begin to express how comforted I am by your messages and life experiences. I felt so ashamed of my family and felt like I could not tell anybody about what happened. Your message was my message. I also feel like I have lost not just my brother but my entire family. As unhealthy and crazy as they are I still love them. I am sorry that this is so long but I just needed you to know me just as I feel like I know some of you. Thank you for sharing your grief - that is a healing for me that I will forever be grateful for. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
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Author: Karen [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 19:12:04 07/28/06 Fri Dear Cheryl, I haven't been to this site for awhile and just read your message. Families do "implode" and are so often dysfunctional, and my experience is that this is often kept hidden i.e. something family members don't speak about or share. This can be very isolating, as talking about parents that reject you or have behaved very badly towards you is often not understood / easily accepted. My brother was a drug addict and alcoholic and I feel it is all too easy for other family members to blame individuals for these tragic problems. My heart goes out to you that your own family are using any problems you've had as a weapon against you. I think it is to avoid talking about what are really at the heart of the issues you've described in your family. That has been my experience. That the real issues that "imploded" my family were avoided, by my parents constantly blaming and being angry about other, trivial matters. There were never any authentic conversations about the deep hurt and emotions that were at the heart of broken relationships. Do take care of yourself and surround yourself with people who share their love and themselves with you openly. Sometimes the people who you think should love you the most, hurt you the most. And others whom you have little expectation of, are the ones who are most generous and open with their feelings for you. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
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Author: Melissa [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 19:33:36 08/30/06 Wed Karen, I am so sorry for your losses. My brother died 15 days ago and my parents have now "disowned" me. I can't help but hate them for it. I would love to chat with you privately. eastcoastleftcoast@yahoo.com Melissa [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
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Author: steve (been there) [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 16:00:33 01/29/11 Sat My older brother was a "hero" in 'Nam and when he was killed doing a heroic action, I was ostracised by my mother. He was always her favorite, and I was suddenly the surviving child whom she resented. Life since then, and it's been 42 years, has been a succession of events with me always being a disappointment to her. She is cold and angry with me. The reality is that I was never acknowledged as having suffered a loss as well. It was all about her loss and I was just a reminder of her children, but without her beloved son. Now she has Alzheimers and it's even worse than before. She blames me for her unhappiness and no matter what I do she's angry with me. I accept that I do and have done everything I can for her, but am still subjected to her tirades. As the sole surviving child and with no other relatives to help me with her, I am upset and ticked off that this is my fate. What to do? It bothers me so much and I wish that I could "fix" it. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
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Author: Harry (Regards) [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 02:47:59 04/06/11 Wed Wow. I went through all of this many decades ago and clearly I still think about it all otherwise I would not have searched this topic area. I wish you all the best and I wish I had advice for you all. The best I can do is to suggest that everyone look after their own emotional well being, be that selfish. Don't abandon yourself in order to cater to anyone else because you won't be of any use to them or you if you do. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
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