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Date Posted: 05:04:23 12/10/03 Wed
Author: trish quinton
Subject: I promised her everything would be fine...

I have so much pain in my heart today...so much guilt.
My little girl of 14 years died today...and I wasn't there. She was so full of energy and life and love...right up till about 4 weeks ago. Then things started to go wrong. She started to get weaker...and frail...sleeping all the time...the vet found some problems with her blood tests but had no answers. Then...she started to get better....but I knew....i could fool myself at night...holding her on the couch...petting her soft fur...I could fool myself into believing all was well...but....she could barely go down the stairs some days...walks were out of the question...but the licks were there...and the hugs...and the way she would nudge my hand if I failed to move it along her tummy..."sigh"
Today i took her to the vet...for tests only. He said he could help her breath better....she seemed to labour last night ...so I thought...I would take her in...help her out... that I would kick myself if i didnt and something happened and the vet could of done something. Simple tests turned into Ultrasound...and loosing her. Seems her heart was leaking blood into the sack surronding it.... making her weak and tired...and then the blood would leach out...and slowly be reabsorbed back into the body. When they put her on her back for the ultrasound...she was calm and quiet..but...they say...her tummy was full of fluid and blood....(about 3 litres)...and it compressed her lungs...causing distress...they pulled her up as soon as they noticed...put her on oxygen and intravenous... but it was too late...her little tired heart gave out about 10 minutes later....I was on the phone with the vet when the tech came in to say she was crashing....i heard the phone drop...and silence....omg....i promised her help...i promised her cuddles tonight....cookies freshly baked are sitting cold on the tray...I feel so much sadness...but more than anything guilt. I know , deep in my heart she would of died soon..one way or another...but it is the final trip there....just that innocent trip to the vet for help...the way she looked at me on the way there...like asking me if I was leaving her...I promised to come get her...promised that it wasn't THAT kind of trip.... promised her she would live and die in my arms...at home...i failed her....

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