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WIN Foundation
Welcome to our forum. This is a place of connection. Post your support or questions. Dr. Tracy will try to respond to any clearly stated questions within a 48 hour period.
http://www.womeninspiration.net
Subject: All here


Author:
Baron (All here)
[Edit]
Date Posted: 16:27:44 02/15/09 Sun
Hi all. Forget injuries, never forget kindnesses.
I am from Sweden and learning to speak English, give please true I wrote the following sentence: "A total of kiss music videos for you to watch or to embed into your page profile, with kiss images."

Thank you so much for your future answers 8). Baron.

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Subject: kcNjTyTGKOdShtxO


Author:
shops (KWLsWjbDlfZKfy)
[Edit]
Date Posted: 09:23:15 02/13/09 Fri
Time is on the side of the oppressed today, it's against the oppressor. Truth is on the side of the oppressed today, it's against the oppressor. You don't need anything else., order, zih,

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Subject: zgseJajSyY


Author:
valentines (zxODyUzW)
[Edit]
Date Posted: 09:07:35 02/13/09 Fri
O, it is excellent to have a giant's strength; but it is tyrannous to use it like a giant., order, vvtnwo,

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Subject: KgirWYaAnKpHHid


Author:
gift (NCKTYoQXLMGJnJYJgNF)
[Edit]
Date Posted: 22:33:17 02/12/09 Thu
For the night was not impartial. No, the night loved some more than others, served some more than others., lyrics, fdrw,

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Subject: mEtjnTyxACKkfT


Author:
valentines (IBZhGjCCNGfrH)
[Edit]
Date Posted: 18:31:31 02/12/09 Thu
Feet, why do I need them if I have wings to fly?, lyrics, nqn,

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Subject: LHUUHUbcFjvJdseuoR


Author:
happy (hiamtyvnxPznZ)
[Edit]
Date Posted: 17:57:06 02/12/09 Thu
The more freedom we enjoy, the greater the responsibility we bear, toward others as well as ourselves., lyrics, mlfdr,

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Subject: UExxFObmAb


Author:
for (esxBIYZKQZrhpzF)
[Edit]
Date Posted: 18:29:24 01/27/09 Tue
When we lose one we love, our bitterest tears are called forth by the memory of hours when we loved not enough., for, uvt, of, 3005, of, 985842,

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Subject: EDmkRnakhRZkJQSOkWk


Author:
valentine (EyyPEqPsiNfC)
[Edit]
Date Posted: 03:28:28 01/24/09 Sat
My pessimism extends to the point of even suspecting the sincerity of the pessimists., valentine, %-OOO, valentine, ycvb, valentine, 769,

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Subject: kNEeEQhKlo


Author:
valentine (KjsHpYurYZmRNApuCdh)
[Edit]
Date Posted: 01:41:17 01/24/09 Sat
The whole dream of democracy is to raise the proletarian to the level of stupidity attained by the bourgeois., valentine, uzy, valentine, 886, valentine, 40898,

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Subject: tSnfiHCCfXZNAwJ


Author:
valentine (YuaOeeOSPCxPKrdw)
[Edit]
Date Posted: 01:12:53 01/24/09 Sat
You can go a long way with bad legs and a good head., valentine, bhts, valentine, 8-))), valentine, =-D,

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Subject: Happy New Year Family !!! I look forward to a new year of growing!!


Author:
Coretta D. Doll Alumni of the Year 2008 (renewed)
[Edit]
Date Posted: 17:09:24 01/02/09 Fri

glitter-graphics.comI LOVE THE CHANGES!! BRAVO TO A NEW YEAR

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Subject: iSxjFeBzydjHTFFPW


Author:
new (CvrcvxyAjNvKNE)
[Edit]
Date Posted: 06:05:05 12/31/08 Wed
Get pleasure out of life...as much as you can. Nobody ever died from pleasure., new, 871, new, >:-PP,

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Subject: so confused


Author:
Jaime (fed up)
[Edit]
Date Posted: 19:39:02 12/18/08 Thu
I am 29 have three children and am expected to deliver again in 2 weeks.. My husband is quite controlling, Just to make a long story short, I cant have a job, friends, support from family, I cant buy anything for myself, and if anything goes wrong its my fault. I have been in this relationship for 8- almost 9 years, and one minute hes fine, nice sweet "caring" then the next hes a butt. Im so tired of dealing with this, and i have done alot of reading online. If you were to look up a narcissist, my husbands picture would be there. He has every single symptom of a narcissist. He is allowed to buy himself nice things, and have all the kool stuff in life, but yet refers to me and his 4 kids as debt for life... but yet our 3 and 4 th child were basically forced upon me. I dont know what to do. I dont want to move to a shelter, go on welfare, etc. I have no high school diploma (cause he refused to let me go back and get it), i havent worked for most of our marriage because he always threatns divorce or says "do i have to find everything for you".. knowing i cant work because he refuses to pay for daycare, not because i wont find a job myself or i want him to do it for me. i am so tired of seeing everyone elses normal life and asking myself why mine cant be the same.. why cant i have friends, and actually go out with them once in a while. or why cant i have a break from the kids. or why cant i have a job? if i ask HIM these things, the typical response is "I want, I want, I want"
Im not allowed to have anything... please tell me what my options are. im afraid that if i divorce him, i wont be able to make it on my own....

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Subject: What is stopping me...


Author:
Me
[Edit]
Date Posted: 11:33:01 01/16/07 Tue
Hello Dr. Tracy,

I want to start by saying that I have read your book,"The Courage to say No More". I thought alot about your story, your success in being a wonderful inspiration to women everywhere in the international community. I believe it is a GOD send, as you KNOW that it is. That is one reason I come to you, you are a Christian and that is important to me.

I am on my 2nd marriage, and I have 3 children. 2 from the first marriage, and one from the second marriage. My first marriage ended because I feel that I was selfish and did not appreciate what I had. I deem it to be my fault, but my ex did have a personality where I was ignored so much, and he did not ever take charge of any decision on his own. It was always his parents who called all of our shots. From our house buying, financing on things, ect. Not to get it wrong. They were actually very nice people, I think they went overboard, even with the best of intentions, only because their son was not a real go getter. Needless to say, I divorced him and was on my way to the real hell that I face with my new life.

I dated around a little bit, not much to be honest. I met my 2nd husband during the 6 month -1 year mark of my divorce. By this time, I had obtained a house I purchased, had a great corporate job, and thought I was well on my way to a wonderful life with out hubby number 1.

I got pregnant. I was horrified. I knew I did not want to be a single Mom of 3 children. I share custody with my ex 50/50, and I was horrified that I was to have a child out of wedlock. I married quickly, to quickly to avoid the social stigma. That was when the nightmares began.

10 days after my honeymoon, my new husband of 10 days took off for 1 1/2 days without a word. No phone calls, no answering his phone. Nothing. I came to find out that I had married a cocaine addict.
I was livid,depressed, pregnant, and helpless feeling. How could this happen. I was faulting myself for being so niave and stupid. I did not want my world to crash down again with another divorce, leave my unborn child with no father. I stayed, forgave, and put up with over and over again. His sports car was wrecked 3 times. It was time for rehab. This was it, the ultimatem I gave finally. We went to his rehab for 12 weeks. He was out of work, and the bills were pilling up. I remember having 12 dollars to last for a whole week and needing formula to feed my now 3 month old infant. I was living in this big, beautiful house with a great job. And nothing. All the money that was saved and whatnot went up his nose. I would see my account go down 200.00 at a time every time, several times a night. I would try to beat him to the ATM to get all the money out so he could not advance anymore that day because of the rules of so much cash per day.
Anyway...Rehab. 12 weeks, him out of work, me working and through it all I lost my house. The one I bought, and was so proud of . I had to file bankruptcy, I lost everything material.

We moved into a small apartment. My son became very sick about 2 weeks after the move. I had to have him on breathing treatments 6 times a day, I had to quite work to care for him. (come to find out months later, the apartment was infested with toxic mold from a hurricane that hit Louisiana a year before)I lost my job, or chose motherhood. At that point I was trapped even more. Now I cannot get back into my industry (banking) since I have filed bankrupcy. They do not hire you with a Chapter 7. Especially since I was a loan officer and financial advisor for the bank.
Well, throughout the course of the next few years my husband used off and on. He was never an everyday user, or at home user. He would disappear, with no money left. He is a good person, but an addict. He was abused as a child, and now is emotionally screwed up. I see that. I am too I guess because I stay.
I don't have a job yet. I want one very badly, it would make me feel good again. He is gone alot with his job, 30 days at a time. So I don't see him much anymore.
I guess the straw that broke the camels back is the last time he was home recently. He did not report to work, took the rental car and disappeared from me and his boss. Sold his dvd player he got for christmas, over drew our account. Tells me the next day that he really needs help, wants to do treatment again. But not the conventional treatment we went through already, a new one using a Iboga plant. Some wierd something that I think is a cop out really. ( he never goes to meetings or reads the books by the way he has)
Why won't I leave. My 3 children and no job. I am also afraid he will hurt me deep down. He has pushed me around a couple of times, but I run away from him or go in the front yard untill he calms down.
I want so much to be happy, and at peace. I pray to GOD for that so much. I feel like I am stupid for staying, but don't know where to go. My family just does not want to deal with having to help support me for awhile cause they already know the situation.
I just reread what I wrote, I feel stupid. I would tell anyone of my friends to RUN....I am afraid on so many levels.

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Subject: Need counseling or help of some sort


Author:
Mia
[Edit]
Date Posted: 15:15:40 01/30/08 Wed
Where can I get help in Denver for my emotionally abusive marriage? I've lived with this for 24 yrs and I cannot take it anymore. When I tried to go back to work and reinvent myself last yr, my husband became a monster intent on keeping me in his figurative cage. We have children and I stay for their sake.

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Subject: alone but not lonely


Author:
mouse (sad)
[Edit]
Date Posted: 11:29:39 04/21/08 Mon
Dearest Dr Tracy my life is in so much turmoil at the moment and I feel so low and desperate, I feel like I know what must be done but am lacking the confidence to begin and hoped that you could give me a few words of encouragement and a little push in the right direction, I feel like I could so easily give up on everything and just want to curl up in a corner. My daughter is now getting help with her alcoholism but recently had a few relapses and the consequences of that were to be taken to court where she received a fine and court costs which I had to pay as she is only 16, one of my other daughters punched my eldest in her face and also had to go to the police both of which has left me with no savings and no where to turn. The verbal abuse from them is tearing at my soul and every bad word is like a knife in my heart. I am caring and so patient with them and assure them that I love them but still get treated this way every day and dont know how to stop it. The violence and agression is rubbing off on my little one and I am trying to shield her from it and help her to grow up as a caring loving person but am scared it will leave a lasting impression on her. My 14 yr old has some minor mental health problems which is why the doctors say she behaves this way but it is so very difficult to deal with and I have no family to support me, all my friends wont come anymore because she has been verbaly abusive to them. The only support I do have is my husband but he works very long hours and gets upset when I am constantly talking about the bad things that happened that day, I only have him to talk to but now feel that I cant say anything about how I feel or my fears incase I upset him.
I also have problems with the way my husband is with our finances, he never opens any bills and is behind with the bank, I cannot work now because our 14yr old has to be home schooled due to the fact that she was expelled so many times and refused to work with her tutors so finances are bad at the moment and everytime I ask him to let me take over running them he changes the subject. I dont know how bad it is as he wont tell me and feel angry and scared.
I am so confused right now and dont know how things could have got so bad, I took your advice and got myself some counselling and it really helped me to put a lot of the past behind me and focus on the future and to see that 'everything' is not my fault as I used to believe but I feel so low and exhausted at the moment that it is hard to pick myself up and start the healing process again. I have been loosing my hair because of the stress and am constantly unwell.
Thank you in advance for any advice as I know you are very busy right now and thank you for creating this forum, it really feels like a blessing right now, My Respect Mouse

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Subject: W.I.N. New Zealand launches


Author:
WIN Media and Communications
[Edit]
Date Posted: 00:14:47 07/16/08 Wed


On behalf of the International W.I.N. Board of Directors, we are pleased to announce that W.I.N. is now an official registered charity in New Zealand. W.I.N. of New Zealand began offering the Right Living Classes over 4 months ago, but as of today is now a registered outreach, which will allow us to expand the program throughout New Zealand.

W.I.N of New Zealand is the love and passion of Mrs. New Zealand Globe Caraher Gilbert 2007, who began the efforts to launch W.I.N. of New Zealand after last year's Mrs. Globe 2007. Emma has been teaching Right Living in New Zealand for over four months and today recieved the official documents establishing W.I.N. of New Zealand as on official charity. Congrats Emma, we are excited about the future.

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Subject: I have a question about my mother. I'm in my 30s & don't have much of a relationship with her. Why you are probably asking? Well the short of it is she hit me when I was younger, embarrassed me constantly as a teen, made up horrible stories, blamed me for her divorce from my father saying he loved me more (sick I Know!), walked out on my brother, sister, & I when I was 17, and had numerous affairs while my dad was an officer in the military and off fighting for our country. I have never had much respect for her and my father who is a great man, has basicaly acted like a mom and dad to me. The problem is I'm married and have kids and I'm worried about my girls. My mom never calls or sees them and I don't want to push my beliefs and opinion about her on them but they are starting to see it. They are 9 and 6. She does everything for her other grandchild and nothing for mine! Am I a bad person for not wanting anything to do with her and for sheltering my kids from her? Click in


Author:
03 US Globe Gal
[Edit]
Date Posted: 16:15:51 06/04/07 Mon
My husband can't stand her. She tries to ruin every holiday and he says she has "poor me syndrome" and wants everyone to feel sorry for her. I have been through Right Living but am struggling with guilt, thinking I should try to make it work but I really don't want to! She has not been there for me or my brother for so long. We truly believe she has a psychological disorder. We worry she might be bipolar... Can you shed any light on this. Thank you so much for listening and sharing your advice. I really value your knowledge and advice.

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Subject: Not Happy


Author:
Melissa
[Edit]
Date Posted: 20:13:02 07/03/08 Thu
Hello all. I am 27 years old and have been dating my on again/ off again boyfriend for almost 7 years. I am a college educated successful professional who has a wonderful family and amazing friends. I dont even understand why I allow myself to ever be upset in a relationship, but then think about how much I love him.

The problem is, he was my first love. He can be so perfect at times and makes me laugh so hard, whenever things are good. Yet, there are those times where the slightest thing can set him off.

He drinks and becomes manipulative. However, he is not possessive of me. He plays that very cold and nonchalant role quite often when I'm doing things with friends or family, yet will brag to me when he goes out with his buddies. Whenever we're together, he'll tease me about how pretty other girls are. He constantly I feel is testing me. Testing what he can get away with.

This has been the emotional roller coaster I have been going through. I just want some support here, as it is not clear what is wrong with him. What I do know is that he treats his mother with respect and is not mean to her while sober, yet when he drinks can become extremely sarcastic and hurtful to especially her or I.

I know she drank excessively while he was growing up and his father was very rough on the boys in the household.....

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Subject: Article by Dr. Tracy Kemble


Author:
WIN Media and Communications
[Edit]
Date Posted: 13:56:14 06/29/08 Sun


The Bride with a Bouquet of Boundaries
By Dr. Tracy Kemble


I remember preparing for my first wedding. I had everything from my gown to the flowers designed exactly to how I dreamed. My story went like this: A sunset wedding with a handful of people I knew, a fitted strapless gown with long gloves to show off my buffed pre-wedding shoulders; my three brides maids consisting of my two sisters and my best friend, all wearing simple yet elegant taupe brown cocktail length dresses; and best of all my father, blissfully walking me down the isle, who once he gave me away, would go hold hands with my mother in the front pew as we exchanged our vows.

It could have been a beautiful memory. But it never happened that way. In fact the memories of my wedding day still create a pit in my stomach. Unlike the way my dream played out, where I would gaze into the sunset as our friends and family loving watched on, instead due to my lack of boundaries turned out to be a day meeting the needs, tastes and traditions of others.

The shift in my dream began with my deeply traditional Irish Catholic soon to be mother-in-law. She refused to show up to the wedding if we were not married in the church. She claimed our marriage would not be recognized by God. I changed the location, as who wants both your mother-in-law and God mad at you from the start? I then had to change my dress as, “Showing my shoulders in church was as sin.” God forbid to be sinful on my wedding day, so to not offend the Bishop or the Church, strapless turned into high neck and long sleeves. Then there was the extended family upsets. They were Irish Catholic and there were eight in his immediate family alone, so my wedding party went from 2 to 13 to avoid alienating anyone. Chocolate brown was replaced with traditional Irish green gowns to make my husband-to-be happy; and as for my ‘blissful’ father, he and my recently separated mother would not even sit on the same pew together.

Getting married is supposed to be one of the most enjoyable memories in a girl’s life. The planning of the gown, cake, invites and location are to bring dancing emotions of love and passion to the blushing bride. Too often however, due to the pressures of family, finances, tradition and other’s opinions, rather than blushing with love and passion, the bride is red with anger and frustration. Why? Because while planning the day that is supposed to be all about her, she encounters ‘Aunt Opinionated’, ‘In-law Insisting’ and ‘Mother My Way’.

It not uncommon for a bride-to-be to desire to please herself, as well as her immediate family, her fiancé and her new in-laws. The pressures of creating a day that everyone can enjoy, and yet allowing the bride to still feel it is ‘her’ day, is the optimum goal. To do that however, requires a balance of not only focusing on the beauty of the flowers in the bouquet, but to also make sure you are armed with an arsenal of personal boundaries as well.

If you are a bride who finds yourself having to fight for your own way on your special day; if you are torn between keeping family peace yet creating your lifetime memories, here are five boundaries to tuck in your wedding planning kit that will ensure your wedding bliss.

#1: Recognize Unsolicited Donations: People have a bad habit of giving, “Unsolicited Donations” to brides. Unsolicited Donations are the advise, recommendations, and opinions given without prompting or solicitation. As you plan the day that will lock itself in your memory bank, be aware of any unsolicited donations from the influencers in your life. If and when you are handed any unsolicited donations, rather than allowing yourself to be pushed into it or offended by it, simply thank the donor for their input. “Thank you for that information. If my current plans change, it is something to consider.” No matter what, never agree at first blush to their donation, recommendation or tradition unless you know without a shadow of doubt it is right for you.

#2: Remember you have a plan: We are able to be pushed into something we do not want when we do not have a plan in place. Therefore, as you plan your wedding, realize that every aspect of your special day is already planned, even if you are not yet aware of what you want. How then, do you handle the ‘yet to be determined plans’ others are anxious to fill for you? You put them in the “under planning” category. The ‘under planning’ category is your pause button that will allow you to have the time to consider all aspects of your choice. The “under planning” category means yours plans are set, you have simply not detailed or announced them publicly as of yet. Implementing the “under planning boundary” sounds like this:, ‘Thank you for that information. We already have that area under planning and we look forward to sharing it with the family soon.”

#3: Go on Record from the Start: Some people, especially those who believe in being generous with their unsolicited donations need to be set strait from the beginning. Therefore from the moment the engagement is announced, go on record with those around you that your wedding will be a celebration of the bride and groom and though tradition is important, the entire planning will be based on just the two of you. This boundary will not stop people from trying to influence their way, but it will give you a reference point to say, “Thank you for that recommendation. The plan for the wedding is to create a unique experience that is a total reflection of just us. We are excited to share it with everyone and begin traditions of our own.”

#4: Choose Your Battles: When it comes to setting the stage to what you want and do not want on your wedding day, remember you not only have to live with yourself, but also with the people you might be offending. Therefore, think it through. If the request they are making is going to affect your memories, then hold your boundary and create a memory that you will enjoy replaying in your mind’s eye. To this day I am still haunted by pickled green bridesmaid dresses. If however, what they are asking will not cost you anything but a difference of opinion and a smile on their face, consider granting it as a form of peace.

#5: Traditions don’t make a healthy marriage: Though every parent or family member dreams of a perfect wedding according to their taste, tradition, color or location do not create a healthy marriage. Good communication, intimacy and trust with your partner are what do. The planning and pressures of a wedding can be a source of stress, conflict and division between a young couple. With proper boundaries however, the planning of a wedding can serve as an excellent place for a new couple to learn to set boundaries to create and protect the “us’ factor that is required to make marriages work.

When it comes to creating your wedding memories, the late Jackie Kennedy Onassis summed it up beautifully when she was quoted as saying, “Create good memories, as when we are old, they are the only things that we have to fill our day.”
# # #
About Dr. Tracy Kemble: Dr. Tracy Kemble is the author of “The Rules of Love” Creating the Constitution for the Land of Us. For more visit her website at www.WomenInspiraiton.net

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Subject: Putting on the Brakes or being Cautious, Unsure but feels familiar!


Author:
Denise (Uncertain)
[Edit]
Date Posted: 16:55:12 05/23/08 Fri
Hi Tracy, Its been awhile since Ive been to WIN classes and doing quite well,but miss you guys frequently and will be coming back for a few refreshers. I am in a new relationship a few mos. this person has expressed his love for me deeply and states he fell in love with my heart& mind over the past year and recently states loves my body as well. (Yep,weve done it!) I was a product of verbal/physical abuse & abandonment from my husbands, I would give myself away completely, and glad to say I am not doing any of that anymore and found my grounding finally, except I am unsure, I am away every other weekend on travel and he expressed he feels like the divorced child in the relationship when Im gone, not being able to spend time together. I notice his text messaging is not his usual when im gone and only usually about general things, not his beautiful loving caring words & compliments, maybe "missin u" i feel he disconnects and then when i return he wants to re-engage within a day of my return and then he's back to his normal self again. I ask u, how do i determine if this is real authentic love, and him just detaching as if to protect himself in a way, or if i am being played so to speak, i don't beleive its just the sex he wants as we sometimes stay the night together and just hold each other. He tells me he loves me and has never felt this before with another, I just don't want to miss a crucial sign, before I get too deep into it, my concern now,i am pulling back & observing more,Im questioning a withdrawl of love, sumthin done to me before but don't know if it is actually that! or me being afraid or going crazy if i don't hear/feel his words of love!! I want to approach him& ask why his distance & change in behavior,pre-occupied? or his way of dealing with it. He's now going on a trip & busy planning to go & he's doing the same thing, I don't want to start going crazy in love again!! I don't want it to become an unhealthy pattern or breakdown in communication. He is self sufficient & otherwise great, I want to make sure I still am and not going to sacrifice myself too much in order to get the wonderful affection & affirmations! Thanks for your kind advice and direction. Denise

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Subject: Always my fault


Author:
Lynn (weary)
[Edit]
Date Posted: 15:28:55 06/07/08 Sat
I have been married for 4 years together for 7 years and I am getting really weary.I married out of my culture(I am American and my husband is Latino)...I feel like ever since we have been together that I lost myself.I gained weight and Im fatigued and I am stressed and angry.I used to be a very calm person.
I am a stay at home Mom and Im older(in my 40's)My question is I guess if Im in an emtional abusive situation.
My husband does not beat me physically...in the start of our relationship though,he would drive in the car errratically to scare me and he smacked me a few times.
He has an explosive temper...he doesn't get along with anyone wherever he works.He has tried to calm his temper over the years...however,little things set him off.
Right now I became overdrawn at the bank(rarely happens)&
he always tells me that everything I do is a mistake etc...
I feel so depressed because he never gives me any emotional support.He is very cold and without empathy.
I have three kids & one is from a previous marriage...many times he verbally abuses my son and I feel guilty for staying with him.I sometimes want a way out of this relationship but don't know where to start.I don't have my own car and Im stuck at home all the time with the kids.
I feel sorry for my kids because they never have anything to do in this house.It just gets me so depressed.
One thing he does is he makes so much out of little things...things that normal people wouldnt get upset over...everything is a big deal with him.He also keeps a tight rein on our money since Im a stay at home Mom...Im expected to pay all the bills but Im lucky if he gives me
a little bit out of the paycheck.He seems to always be complaining about money.
Does any of this sound familiar?
Thanks for listening...

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Subject: Very confused


Author:
Jen (confused)
[Edit]
Date Posted: 07:10:14 02/12/08 Tue
I am very confused on my situation right now. My husband and I have been married a little over 6 yrs together, we have have known each other 8 years. We met on the internet with both of us getting out of previous marriages. I lived in California and he lived in Florida, in time I got pregnant with my daughter and moved to Florida to join him and within that time we had gotten married. When I first met him he was wonderful, caring, loving, and I thought that he was just the most charming man I ever knew!! I began to realize in the first year that he didn't like me having "men" friends. all my life I have had "men" friends, I get along with them, and I enjoy there company. He made me cut ties with a friend of mine I had for 15 yrs, because he thought that "him and I had too much of an emotional connection". I was kind of confused at the time, but didn't really think anything of it. I started to go behind his back, and talk to this man, because he was one of my friends. well when he found out, it was like world war 3, and all my fault, and I "cheated" on him, so he says, by talking to him. I, according to him, ruined our trust in our marriage, and that anything beyond that would be my fault. Again, I got scared that if I continued to talk to this man, that it would be a constant fight between my husband and I. It killed me to give up a friendship for my husband, but I thought that if I respected him enough I should do it to make him happy. I now question that, now in retrospect.

After one more child, and a few more years of marriage we began to have a bit more problems with our marriage. He had an"online" relationship with someone, and planned on meeting her, he said he didn't, she said they did, but I don't believe him, but I forgave him, and moved on. As time went on, when things went wrong it was always my fault, "well you screwed up the bills" "well why are you going to the store and buying stupid stuff" "well why are you talking to people who are so nonsupporting" "you need to let go of your friends, and stop looking in the past and look in the future". He wouldn't let me talk about anything of his past, because he didn't want me to have him think of me as a bad person. I tried to explain to him that my past is important and I hold my past experiences dearly because this is how it got to be where I am today.

Well the last few years, he decided to go to paramedic school, on top of playing in a volunteer fire dept that he adored. I gave up just about every night of the week for him to do something that made him happy. I was lonely, I was unhappy and I was miserable. I thought that he would never be there for me to babysit because his life is so busy and I wanted to make him happy. I ended up having an emotional affair with one of his friends, and he found out just recently.

When that happened I realized I hadn't been happy for a long time, I was sick and tired of being blamed for everything, sick and tired of feeling trapped, and sick and tired of feeling lonely and guilty for everything. I went to a personal counselor, and he has been a great help. he has helped me realize that my husband is an emotional abuser, and controlling. I never even considered this about him, until recently. I have began to stand up to my husband, and make him accountable for his own actions. I remind him that not everything is my fault, and he needs to look in the mirror at times. He goes through these cycles of "poor me" "this is your fault" goes around hitting things and then becomes apologetic and says he'll change. In the times he claims he will change I believe him, but as itme goes on I realize it is not true. It has only been a month since I started standing up to him. Everyone including my my counselor and friends say I need to leave him because emotional abusers have a hard time changing. Leaving would be the hardest thing in my life, I have no job, I have three kids, and live 2500 miles away from any support. My mother is coming out here for 2 weeks and staying in a condo, if I decide to leave she is here to help me. I battle my feelings EVERYDAY, I don't know what the right answer, I can't handle the emotional roller coaster, and it effects my children. My husband told my daughter he hated me a few days after the affair, and now she is scared to death he hates me. He cries like a baby so everyone hears him and my 5 yr old wants me to hold her while he does it. That is not fair to her, she doesn't deserve it. When I threaten to leave he always tells me that this is my fault the marriage is ending, and that I have nothing, and I'm just going to run back into my family's arms. It is hard to not breakdown in front of him, but I stand my guard. He hates it, he says I'm an emotional wall that is nto breaking and he's tired of it. He claims that I did the cheating and he is paying the price, this is my fault that he is in pain and i "owe" him something. I begin to think I "owe" him something, I don't know what I "owe" him but I begin to believe it. I show him these thigns on emotional abuse and he freaks out, he doesn't want to believe it and gets angry when i look things up or talks about it.

So HERE is my question, does this sound like a typical emotional abuser? I know he is, but I really need more evidence to myself to prove that "yes this is UNHEALTHY". I live in fear that he is going to try to put a restraining order on me. He has already turned the internet off, turned my cell phone off and turned my house phone off numerous times to "intimidate" me. I told him to go ahead and do it, and it just gives me more reason to leave. He says my counselor doesn't know him and he wants to go talk to my counselor himself to show him that I am at fault for his pain, and anger.

I think he thinks something is wrong with him, but I do not believe he thinks he is an abuser, I think he thinks he just needs anger management and than that will cure him. He got put on zoloft, and goes to personal counseling, but I know he is just telling them all the stuff I do, and nothing more.

I am at a crossroads right now, and I am looking for advice or reassurance for anyone out there who is going through the same sort of thing! Thanks for reading my BIG LONG story!! Venting feels good!

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Subject: emtional abuse relationship or me being stupid and weak?


Author:
saz (confused)
[Edit]
Date Posted: 16:33:28 05/04/08 Sun
i met my ex 5 years ago and it was true love but he had commitmet problems as his family was very dysfunctional(he had seen his parents fight)i tried to help him with his commitment problems and let him move in with me from there things went down hill he would never open up to me and would constantly go out with his mates and chat to slim pretty girls and pretty much ignore me he would complain about the fact i was messy and borrow money off me then 4 months after we were living together a member of my family passed away and he was loving and care=ing and supportive for 2 weeks then declared he was leaving me as i was a angry nasty person who just needed to get over it!! the day after he left me he came in to the bar i worked in and kissed a girl in front of me looking at me whilst he kissed her for the next six months i tried to move on but we ended up sleeping together a lot and i feel pregnant i didnt know about it untill i misscarrried as we were not together i thought he would accuse me of emtional blackmail and say i was doing it to get back at him so i kept it to myself after a year he was ta my doorstep wanting to gicve things another go like a fool i trusted him " i then found out it was because he was homeless" everything was going great untill my friends party where i got drunk and felt i couldnt keep it to myself and told him his reaction was i was a spitefull bitch not once asking me how i felt or why i couldnt tell him from then on things went bad again he moved in with someone lese and slept around making sure i knew about every girl but doing it in a way that he couldnt be blamed for me finding out eventually i manged to get my confidence back up and was happy in a new home without any memories of him and then he came back this time it was that we should try again as he had sorted his life out and he wanted me to be in it i should have seen it coming but i didnt then i found out i was pregnant and we were both over the moon yet at the same time i was terrified of the fear i would lose the baby and he didnt really seem to bothered by this untill 3 motnhs gone on christmas eve he went out with one of his mates and the next day he left me i struggled thru the pregenacy trying to keep him involved and when i asked about csa he got a girlfirend to threaten me then came the day of our child birth and the mani used to love came back and cut the cord and held my hand thru all of it and it was the happiest day of my life and for the first 3 months it was bliss untill he met someone and told me that as we werent a couple (which i thought we were) he would be with her now and that he was too busy for his child then kept floating in and out of his childs life untill i finally put my foot down and stopped him seeing his daughter(he has paid a penny to her by the way)he said i was fat stupid pathetic phscyotic and a liar and that my parents could pay for our child so why should he now he has totally changed his tune and is claiming he is the victim by saying im banning him from seeing his child and that its all my fault if our child grows up emtionally cut off admittley i dont help matters as when i try and contact him regarding out chisds welfare i end up texting him nasty messages as he ignores us unless it suits him
because of me he also flaunts his new lady friend at the bar i go to when my family sit for my child and he has made his amily choose between hima nd the child leavin my child without grandparents my family have been amazing and so havemy friends and i have lost loads of weight and im trying to get him out of my life but the guilt i feel for not letting our child see its father is tearing me up inside and i am ment to go out for a friends birthday next week and i am scared to in case he makes my life hell as usual.
he doesnt want me but doesnt want anyone elze to have me and to make matters worse he always shows off his younger prettier girl friend and has admitted to me in the past he has cheated on me then denied and said he only said that to be mean?
i feel i have no control over my life and everytime i try and move on he comes along and pulls the rug from under my feet
is this a emitional abusive relationship or am i just weak?
sorry to go on and on but i had to get it out of my system its been years!

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Subject: it s me again, .....not good enough for someone to care..but...


Author:
mary
[Edit]
Date Posted: 22:51:31 02/16/08 Sat
hello ,
it s me again.
i know , maybe, i ve posted enough, and maybe i should not do this at all , but , i have no one to talk to .
Talking about it at least here helped me to , understand what is happening.
I ve been manipulated here , for really long time, he has just founded me in a very easy situation to ,use against me for his onw ends.
I need help , unfortunatelly i do not know where to find it, .
He is just misusing me to cover up his lies, he is verbally and practically with money , misusing me , and right now , and always he is threating me to kick me out on the street, while he knows that right now i do not know where to go.He does not let me think, for he is threating me all the time, and he claims, that i do something to him that is causing him to be so , but i do not.
He invited me here in the first place, but he has been fooling me all along, pretending, that, he was going to be there for me , and that he cared for me, only that , only the oposite hapens and i had to give up .
All my time has been wasted because of his lies,and his misuse after in order to cover them.
He has just been misusing me to cover up his lies.
I do not want to be with him because he is , immoral , and he prefers, to ,pscychologically abuse me than to admit the truth.
I almost gone crazy because of it, cause i could not figger out what was that i was doing wrong, and why did i have to take this .
i should never trusted him.
He has just turned me into a looser , just exactly what he is, that s what he wanted , to destroy any hope i might had , for in any other case , he woudl suport me pchychologiacaly since i ve been in a foreigne place, .
he would care for i wanted, he would not just turn his back on me, and curse me on top of it.
He just has been humiliating me , and has been loughing at my expence , praising his ego over how much of a fool i have been , and how smart he is , and how easy it is to fool people.
He tells me everyday of how much of a looser i am and how much he is doing, in contrast.
while i have not contracts here, it s not my house officialy , he was not even registering me for months in the last period, so i could not get a job without an oficial address , i was like a homeless.
he had the money he could at least borrow me something so i could go, but , he is not doing that either,
he made fake promises, and then he calls me a fool and stupid , and he treats me disrespectfully because i believed it.
i think he is the one that needs to learn a lesson here ,
for ,he has been making fake promises , and not the other way around.
i do not know , if going to the police can help me right now , for i feel like going there , and tell all about it , and his ilegal past..............

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Subject: Using GOD against Me


Author:
alumni (confused)
[Edit]
Date Posted: 16:58:32 02/26/08 Tue
Here I am again. Trying to get my tool box out and find what tools to use. Funny it is like speaking a foreign language, if you don't use it you lose it. I have not held on to my healing enough the first time and now I am fighting everyday to get it back and make daily a better choice for myself and my kids.

OK so the long story I dont want to bore you with but bottom line is this... I left a verbally, emotionally and caotic alcoholic marriage, and when I did I thought I was in my healing and had a sound mind to make the decisions I need to when entering new relationships. Well here I am 6 years later, re-married, and was googly eyed "IN LOVE" with a man I could tell EVERYTHING TO WITH OUT FEAR OF JUDGEMENT, LOVED ME UNCONDITIONALLY, TREATED MY KIDS GREAT, HAD TONS IN COMMON, and well after the I Do the control that I guess looking back I saw I definetly see now.
Obvious he is unhealed, obvious he has abusive habits in all forms, some worse than others(verbal) and I am quite aware but can't seem to figure out why I let him use God to make me believe that by wanting to leave the situation I am not doing what God would want? I am in ARMS (I believe it is an off shoot of WIN) Abuse Recovery Ministry Services and it is very similar to RL the fellowship is nice, and I am really trying to get those tools back. I think I just need to gain continued strenght by better choices one day at a time. However when I try to speak to my husband (who now is really trying, and I generally think he realizes the traits he has after fighting him about it for years, He is catching his verbal stuff but not seeking help) SO if he is trying and I am telling him I am numb, and not sure how I feel about things and that I lack trust for him to change, he says go ahead leave (make the wrong choice that you know you will be making) and leave I cant stop you that is your choice. You know what you are suppose to do, as if God wants me to tolerate, forgive and not make him accountable.??? Any ADVISE?

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Replies:
Subject: Where to get help


Author:
Cathy
[Edit]
Date Posted: 08:32:24 02/11/08 Mon
My cousin is finally ready after 38 years to get help. Where in NJ can I find help for her? She is in an emotionally, and sometimes physically, abusive marriage.
Please e-mail me: cathpadilla@aol.com
Thank you!

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Replies:
Subject: desperate


Author:
mia
[Edit]
Date Posted: 08:08:42 02/04/08 Mon
I left a msg below, but no one responded. Can anyone help?

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