Author:
mary (no how to say no...???)
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Date Posted: 12:59:58 01/04/08 Fri
hello....
i have this problem, for several years now , shame on me,
i really feel , funny on this situation..
before i could not explain it at all , i had no words for it,
i mooved in an other, country, where i spoke not a single word, to be with , my boyfriend, which i thought, was a nice guy......i was 19 he 28 , i had just finished school, only lived at my parents house till then , i had a few flirts, but not much experience, either, on relationships , first time i had to take care of my self, and i thouhght, i could have some fun doing it.
i m into what i , think now an abuse relationship,
but only last year ,where , for the first time i had some time for my self, and that , with the usual arguments, could i understand calmly my situation.
for long time , i ve been in stress, in distress, for long time , i thought , he made me feel like i was crazy, he would curse me, i would go mad , really mad, i would not be able to calm down into my self, i would cry , i would be in despair, i could not talk to anyone for i thought no one would believe me , my parents have had no idea what i was going thrue , i felt i could not approach people any more,
i felt ashamed for what i had to undergo , he pretended all the time he knew me, and my motives, that, i was the one causing the problems, and he had nothing to do with it,
if he would see me brake something to just, calm down where normally i would not do such thigns, and , i thought at least it could be an out let, to , some recycling glass,
he would get even angry , and attack me for it, telling me that i was looking for trouble,and he would turn violent against me , because i thought i could release, something to useless glass,
for , i did not want to , turn it against people , neither , verbally or in any other way, then he said, that anyone who turn his anger on things , could turn it also on people,......and so on............
And all that while i had very difficult life with him i could not understand a thing, i was taking much stress from his depbts , his moody behaviour, his angry mood, that would be swifting , all the time, from one thing to the other, and god new when, he would talk to me ,or resent me abandon me, refuse me completely , pretend i was not there,
his dissapointments from life , from him self, then it all suddenly would turn against me , for i was the one taking the joy out of his life, while , we were sleeping , on a matress on the floor, while i would buy food for him and lend him money which i never was getting back, but i was giving it to him anyway, hoping all the time, that, maybe he would understand, that i was not not that dirty , stinky , angly whore, or the piece of shit, he was calling me,
that stupid bitch, the damm whore, or the pathetic, person he called me for years, he would wake up , no matter what in bad mood and in agression and he would curse the world and everything, and , i was just sitting in a corner, thinking that anything i would say, to him , after having done that a few times, asking him why do you speak like that , or what is the matter, and any moment he would put words in my mouth i never said, or would refrase my sentences , to make them mean something totally diferent than what i meant and what i said, and when i said to him look , there is a meaning behind words, and you should try to find it, then he even used that against me , to , let it seem that i was implying things, which , i was talking about meaning, and, not his word mixing.
when i would call my mom being very happy to hear her and excited, he would make remarks, that i was purposely annoying him, if i would write on the keypord i would annoy him,
if i would tell him i was exchited and happy about something i would annoy him, i felt unhappy and dippressed, i was crying, because i was nothing but an obstacle to him, bad news, a trouble maker, or an unworthy person, not original,
very predictable, anything i would do , in the house, was i doing it purposly against him , i did not let him relax,
we would not do much togeather, for , what i was saying was not good enough, he was not the kind of guy , to go out, but only with me he did not have fun , and he would tell that on my face, he would hurt me with every answer i would get,
when i would say , that i tried , the best i could , and i did not understand why he neglected me, he would say , that it was all my fault, that i ,was doing nothing for our life,
while i was working in shit jobs at least to offer something, going shopping , cleaning up , cooking most of the times a fresh meal at home, but he pretended all the time i was doing nothing , i did not care, enough, that i did not care, 5 years, i did not go out, for i felt , totally uncomfortable, to talk to people about , what was happening , every attempt, to meet people he would critisize it, he would speak bad against my family , forbidden me ,to see my family, ...........say to me that i was tottaly blind,
that my family did not care for me, but i would make a meal for his mother, even though they were also problems between them, all theese hurt me...........
where , all this time my father was sick and i wanted to be there for them, my father passed away , from cancer and my mother was dealing with that all alone, and i was manipulated , hearted, and wanted to really kill him ,
i managed to see my father, before , he passed away , thank god at least, but then left again from home, for i felt uncomfortable, and i went on depression , i did not want to work any more, i could not, for i felt really bad for taking all that crap , instead of being , more with my father,
i had become , very violent and on the other very fragile and on the other i really wanted to kill him,
and even though he knew why i was sad, he never apologized to me, even though , after he saw my father passed away ,
about all the stupid things he had being saying so far,
and, i asked him how come if you care for me, you were not , next to me , at the funeral, and neither , could you be there for me, and why did you not come, with us, , cause i stayed with my mom for 3 months for my mother was lost........but all the time , he just spoke about the house about money, about, that someone had to stay and pay the bills , and, all that ,in a way to tell me that it was ,because i did not care.......................!!!!!!!
and he pretended all the time that the debts he had , where i was working, but i did not know how else to help , that in the end, much of it was because of me!!!!!!
where i was there for him , he never asked money from his family , i was there, and i was talking about doing it better, and get a bed , find a nice place, where he would refuse, and make stress about it, and say , we could not afford it, and ,this and that, too people working fool time,
he just pretended he was doing it alone all the time and in the end i was the one , that did not understand according to him what He was going through , ...
while he could ask also help from his family , and i told , that , we could ask help , he did not want to...
and on top of that , what , he was doing to me , telling me all the time i did not care, and all , he pretends that i do it to him ,he pretends to be the victum here, and all the good i gave him, he pretends, i never did, and that i have been the negatieve one and that when on top he called me an evil bitch , and a satan , and all kinds of things,, and that , i have, caused all this
while he would all the time control me about everything not because he cared for me , but , he would tell me how to spend or how not to spend my money , and while financially i let him free, he does not , and he calls me a control freak
he made me shout at him , i felt i really had to punch him in his face , allthough i m small and i can not really do such a thing, i was shouting out of desperation in case he would really understand, that something had to change, and that i was not all that, and that , because, everytime i spoke about change, to the better, and that something had to be done, really and that i did not wish to wait,any longer,
i lost my self , my life, any chance to study , become something better, i do not have a proffesion, and with all these not even a place to leave.........
i just want to change all that, and i do not know how.....
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