I want to start by saying that I have read your book,"The Courage to say No More". I thought alot about your story, your success in being a wonderful inspiration to women everywhere in the international community. I believe it is a GOD send, as you KNOW that it is. That is one reason I come to you, you are a Christian and that is important to me.
I am on my 2nd marriage, and I have 3 children. 2 from the first marriage, and one from the second marriage. My first marriage ended because I feel that I was selfish and did not appreciate what I had. I deem it to be my fault, but my ex did have a personality where I was ignored so much, and he did not ever take charge of any decision on his own. It was always his parents who called all of our shots. From our house buying, financing on things, ect. Not to get it wrong. They were actually very nice people, I think they went overboard, even with the best of intentions, only because their son was not a real go getter. Needless to say, I divorced him and was on my way to the real hell that I face with my new life.
I dated around a little bit, not much to be honest. I met my 2nd husband during the 6 month -1 year mark of my divorce. By this time, I had obtained a house I purchased, had a great corporate job, and thought I was well on my way to a wonderful life with out hubby number 1.
I got pregnant. I was horrified. I knew I did not want to be a single Mom of 3 children. I share custody with my ex 50/50, and I was horrified that I was to have a child out of wedlock. I married quickly, to quickly to avoid the social stigma. That was when the nightmares began.
10 days after my honeymoon, my new husband of 10 days took off for 1 1/2 days without a word. No phone calls, no answering his phone. Nothing. I came to find out that I had married a cocaine addict.
I was livid,depressed, pregnant, and helpless feeling. How could this happen. I was faulting myself for being so niave and stupid. I did not want my world to crash down again with another divorce, leave my unborn child with no father. I stayed, forgave, and put up with over and over again. His sports car was wrecked 3 times. It was time for rehab. This was it, the ultimatem I gave finally. We went to his rehab for 12 weeks. He was out of work, and the bills were pilling up. I remember having 12 dollars to last for a whole week and needing formula to feed my now 3 month old infant. I was living in this big, beautiful house with a great job. And nothing. All the money that was saved and whatnot went up his nose. I would see my account go down 200.00 at a time every time, several times a night. I would try to beat him to the ATM to get all the money out so he could not advance anymore that day because of the rules of so much cash per day.
Anyway...Rehab. 12 weeks, him out of work, me working and through it all I lost my house. The one I bought, and was so proud of . I had to file bankruptcy, I lost everything material.
We moved into a small apartment. My son became very sick about 2 weeks after the move. I had to have him on breathing treatments 6 times a day, I had to quite work to care for him. (come to find out months later, the apartment was infested with toxic mold from a hurricane that hit Louisiana a year before)I lost my job, or chose motherhood. At that point I was trapped even more. Now I cannot get back into my industry (banking) since I have filed bankrupcy. They do not hire you with a Chapter 7. Especially since I was a loan officer and financial advisor for the bank.
Well, throughout the course of the next few years my husband used off and on. He was never an everyday user, or at home user. He would disappear, with no money left. He is a good person, but an addict. He was abused as a child, and now is emotionally screwed up. I see that. I am too I guess because I stay.
I don't have a job yet. I want one very badly, it would make me feel good again. He is gone alot with his job, 30 days at a time. So I don't see him much anymore.
I guess the straw that broke the camels back is the last time he was home recently. He did not report to work, took the rental car and disappeared from me and his boss. Sold his dvd player he got for christmas, over drew our account. Tells me the next day that he really needs help, wants to do treatment again. But not the conventional treatment we went through already, a new one using a Iboga plant. Some wierd something that I think is a cop out really. ( he never goes to meetings or reads the books by the way he has)
Why won't I leave. My 3 children and no job. I am also afraid he will hurt me deep down. He has pushed me around a couple of times, but I run away from him or go in the front yard untill he calms down.
I want so much to be happy, and at peace. I pray to GOD for that so much. I feel like I am stupid for staying, but don't know where to go. My family just does not want to deal with having to help support me for awhile cause they already know the situation.
I just reread what I wrote, I feel stupid. I would tell anyone of my friends to RUN....I am afraid on so many levels.
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