| Subject: Hi Kandis, Thx for the email. 2 Right Living Tools: Fair Playing Field and Use Your Words (click in |
Author:
Dr. Tracy Kemble
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Date Posted: 09:14:59 07/02/06 Sun
In reply to:
Kandis
's message, "My husband never takes my advice" on 17:45:01 06/30/06 Fri
Thanks for the email
So, if you were in front of me, I would need to ask a few more questions, like, does he "never" listen to your voice, or is it that he tends to listen to others about some things, rather than your opinion. I am going to assume that it is the first situation in that he is taking other's advise over yours and answer your question from that standpoint.
First, to anyone in this situation, it would be exhausting. When we enter into a relationship, we enter into a partnership and if your partner is seeking outside advise on "everything" and ignoring your advise, there is a breakdown in the trust of the partnership. This makes the playing field off balance (note - in our Thou Shalt Submit teaching, we teach on how the 'score' of a relationship needs to even, not one person 'winning' and one 'loosing'. So the question is why?
Your first step is to fact find. This means that I want you to use your words and make sure he is aware of his "partnership violation". You need to ask him, "Are you aware that you tend to trust outside people on choices within OUR marriage, than me? And are you aware that each time you do this, it makes me feel disrespected?
Then you need to be real clear as to what change you need to happen. "It is not enjoyable to be in a relationship where I do not feel respected, therefore, I need to understand why you do this and number 2, I need you to you stop bringing outside people into our personal choices."
Now, your mate has a choice: #1: To share his point of view and expand your understanding of him, which might ease your pain because his motivation of seeking other's advise over yours might be something different than a lack of respect, or #2: He will listen to your "pain" and do something to stop the pain. If he "hears" your pain and does nothing, than it is time to seek counseling, as that sort of pattern is something that can destroy love.
The other thing that I want you to think about is what is your authentic need. Meaning, is it really the "outside advise" that makes you feel disrespected, or do you have a different need that is going unmet. Think about that before you proceed forward so that you are able to speak in truth and authentic need.
Hope this helps!
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