Subject: Hi Audrey - Thanks for the email. A few things: #1 - he most likely joined the group to be around you. He has not let go, he is just putting his dysfuction under the umbrella of "God's work" to throw the scent off. The good news is that is has not thrown off your scent. It does not feel right to you because it is not right. I have a question - "Why are you worried about running?" Meaning, the guy is abusive. Scripture tell us, "A man shall see evil and run from it..." so run forrest RUN! It is healthy that you do not want to be around it anymore. Stop trying to talk yourself out of your natural instinc to protect yourself. I recommend that rather than quit cold turkey, take a week or two off. See how you feel. Go back... see how you feel. Then, once you have the first hand experience, make the choice as to what feels safest for you. I recommend class #6 - This is Where Your Life Ends - learning about Boundaries.
Author:
Dr. Tracy Kemble
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Date Posted:07:55:25 11/11/07 Sun In reply to:
Audrey
's message, "Unsure of what to do" on 14:43:27 11/08/07 Thu
>So here's the deal. I was in an emotionally abusive
>relationship for 7 months. We started dating last
>December and it was the first long-term relationship I
>had ever been in so I was really ignorant and didn't
>see what was going on (the abuse started really slowly
>and then escalated over the 7 months). I actually
>didn't realize the relationship was abusive until
>after I got out of it - I was just tired of the
>arguments and feeling inadequate and down on myself.
>I realized after I started seeing a psychologist that
>it was abusive and in the manipulative kind of way.
>He never called me names or yelled or anything. He
>just knew that I am a "people pleaser" and all he had
>to do was be upset and I'd want to make everything
>better. So basically nothing I ever did was good
>enough. He threatened to kill himself a couple of
>times (the final time was earlier in the day I broke
>up with him - I called the police) and blamed it on
>me. I'm debating between medical school and seminary
>- he told me I'd make a terrible pastor because I
>can't put anyone before myself (because I wouldn't
>drop everything to do whatever it was he wanted that
>day), so basically he called me selfish and told me he
>didn't believe in me. The thing I'm beginning to
>realize now is that he started to use his abuse in a
>sexual way - we never went all the way but I realized
>that although he told me he'd wait as long as I wanted
>he really didn't mean it. We'd get into arguments
>because I wasn't willing to go all the way, and
>according to him that meant I didn't care about him.
>That was his favorite way of abusing me - he'd say
>that [blank] action of mine meant that I didn't care
>about him, or that I wanted to intentionally hurt him,
>etc, etc.
>Anyway, I got out of the relationship mid-July through
>beginning-August (it took me a few weeks to get him to
>stop begging me to take him back). Then I told him
>that I needed to be completely separate from him at
>least until school started (mid-September), then maybe
>we could be friends. At first he wouldn't leave me
>alone but when I virtually yelled at him one day he
>actually (surprisingly) left me alone.
>The thing is, we met because at the beginning of last
>school year he joined the college youth group
>associated with the church I attend. This is a church
>I've attended for 4 years, and a youth group I've been
>a part of for 3.5 years. I didn't think he'd be
>involved in it anymore, so I went ahead and took a
>leadership position I was offered by my pastor
>(basically I'm a peer-minister). Unfortunately he did
>decide to be a part of the group, and he's more
>involved that he ever was last year! I think he's
>doing it because he doesn't have me to occupy his time
>anymore so he's filling it with the group.
>It really bothers me to be around him! It makes me
>remember things I don't ever want to remember again.
>Every Tuesday when we have dinner then bible-study, I
>can just feel myself pull into a shell because I'm
>scared - I don't trust him, I want a better boundary
>(like for him to NOT be there), I don't want him to
>know anything about me. I'm probably being
>over-protective of myself, but I kind of feel I'm
>entitled to that - he hurt me really badly! My pastor
>knows about it and she's really supportive, but it
>doesn't help in terms of me not wanting to be around
>him. No one really understands, and I don't expect
>them to, but it's still an issue. I've voiced that
>sometimes I feel like leaving the group, but both my
>pastor and one of my friends in the group (who also
>knows about the abuse) says that it would just be
>running away. I don't want to run away, I want to
>deal with my feelings so the next time I'm in a
>relationship I don't bring any of these feelings/fears
>with me. But, I feel my life would be so much better
>if I wasn't around him. Is me wanting to leave, me
>running away?
>It would be really hard to leave, it's a place that
>most of my friends are a part of, and its been a huge
>part of my life since my 1st year of college (I'm now
>a graduating 5th year)! However, if it makes me feel
>better it may be worth it. I'm upset all the time, I
>feel lonely a lot of the time, and I still feel really
>hurt - and I know that all of that is okay, it's only
>been 3 months since we broke up and I'm still
>processing everything that happened to me. I'm just
>glad I didn't let the relationship go on further,
>especially after reading about whats happened to other
>people - I know we were heading down that road, I'm
>glad I got out when I did!
>Leaving the group would be extremely hard - I feel
>that I'm more entitled to be there than he is because
>I've been there longer! However, him being there is
>really upsetting. I feel that if I left I could
>process things in peace without the emotional
>responses I get from being around him. Am I just
>running away?
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