Subject: i m sorry this is endless. i m not an abuser. He says i am though .
Author:
maria
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Date Posted:14:15:42 01/31/08 Thu In reply to:
Dr. Tracy Kemble
's message, "Hi Mary, thank you for writing. I am sorry that you are in this situation. For sure, this relationship is not good for either of you. You have entered into the negative cycle of communicating where most likely no matter what the two of you do, it will result in insult and argument. I am concerned that your pain is beginning to turn into rage, which though anger is a good thing (it warns us that something is wrong) you do not want to become an abuser in the relationship. It happens a lot, but it is not the correct healing path. You cannot yell someone into change. You also cannot force someone (click here)" on 19:53:05 01/12/08 Sat
well , it s too late now..........
i was all alone, and i was, with no one, and i got allready really badly f..d up , by him.
you see , he has always been meen to me , on purpose.
i thought about it. it is not a negatieve circle,
when someone is constantly mean to you , when , someone purposely says no to everything you say ,
everything what you want to do , he purposely ignores, and on top pretends he loves you.
no one that loves , really does that.
this man is really mean to me , all the time.
that has nothing to do , with negatieve circle , because he was like that since the beggining.
first of all , i wanted to leave him , but he knew some of my friends in my country , and i said to him that , for me this relationship , was not right at the moment and i had things to do , in my country still , so that i wanted to go back , but i did not know how to travail alone, and i did not know how to go back , and he refused, and even before i said this, he just has been mean, and after i said it , he just did not want to take me back, i did not know what to do.
then , when the summer came , i explained to him the situation , about how things were where i came from , and that , i had to speak with my parents, and he said that he would say to my friends that i was with him and all that , when i asked him not to , because we do not know where we stand with each other.
Further he lied , about getting serious ,and he said he loved me and he wanted me to come with him back, and so ,
and when i did , he did not change at all , telling me ,
that it was my decision to come, and no one forced me.
All this time i felt lonely and i did not know what to do , and he even started talking bad not just to me , but about my family , my home land and everything for no reason.
Everything i would say , he would just do the opossite on purpose, telling me , that he was not a slave, !!
while i was giving him money and i stayed broke and where ,when i would not give it he would make my life a hell , by not talking to me at all, or really talking bad to me.
And so much , that i felt really powerless and i could not stop it , and i did not know what to do , or how to leave , and so.Because i was all the time broke, and when i would give him money , the little i earned every week , he would not give it back to me, so i had nothing , and i had to close insurances by paying and so on, and i was always broke.
and on the same time lonely , because he did not do anything with me, but all the time was he talking about his privacy and so on , where i , just , was suggesting that we could go out for a coffee.
but nothing.
he really did this on purpose.
and when i would not give money he would kick me out of the house, and i had nowhere to go , and i did not know what to do.
i could really speak to noone , and , he on top , lies about it until this day, he claims that he has being nice to me but he is not. I was almost driven crazy , and when my father died , i left , but i did not know what to do , with insurances i had to pay ,as i did not speak the language at all.And either did i find anyone in my home country , to help me , with this, .
He is just very mean, and ,then i got really depressed,
and i could not go to work anymore,
and , i did not know what was happening to me.
He is really very secretive, and all the time it feels as if he is hiding something, and, allthough , i m a good person , he makes me feel as if i m the worst person in the world , when i go near him some moment that he does not expect so , making me feel like i m paranoid, while , that is he paranoid in case i see what he is doing.
in the 5 th year did i snaped out of , it, out of all the bad things he was telling me, and putting me down and taking my money pretending still it was his right to do so ,and that it was not wrong what he was doing,
i felt very sick , and i had no one, .
but then , it was allready late, for me , to do , the things i wanted to do, i was allready , f...up and sick ,and ,i really still thought that it was all my fault.
but when i left , he called me a thief ,and said that i left him with no money , and he was calling me, for 3 months about ,while i was at work and trying to pay things out so i could leave and i got scared , because no one would believe ,that this money i took , in order to rent a room was money , that , was for me, and i did not still it , but it was because, he applied with me in the goverment thinking that he could take it and it was all his, like he was used to , but because i did not speak the language i thought that he would mess me up.
the money was given to me , also before, but i did not know it , so he was taking it , while i was depressed,
and i could not work, .
all the time he pretends, and , still , he does, that he is a good guy and i m the bad one.
so when i left, him he did this and i got scared,
and when i said to him , that he has taken the house but i had nowhere to go, he , still said , that i was a thief , that i took this money, and that it was his,
making me feel even more guilty and bad ,
and so my life, did not go anywhere,
i went to work, then ,but , i did not know how to pass over what had happened.
i did not know , why, i was really twisted , about human nature , and about people , and i was splitted in two pieces and in the one i remembered my self as i was and from the other, i had all this , to think about that was braking me apart.
then i gave up marihuana , for , he was smoking it every day at home making everything to stink , and even though for long did i say that i did not want to smell it and be around it , he did not give a cent , so , i was stoned, .
and when i left did my mind became clear.
then , because i still felt week and i did not know , how to feel sure for my self , i started drinking , for some months , i even once ,had, 25 coniac in 25 minutes.
i m not drinking right now , or using anything,
but , i feel like my life is over.
and then , i had to solve, this stupid things,
with administration , where i did not know how.
i can believe that this happened to me , , i just can t believe it !!!!!!!!!!!!
i had dreams , and , i cared about things always ,and i love people , i love people, !!!!!!!!!
but , i feel not capable of making friends anymore ,
because i m useless ,and i have not a proffesion , and neither do i feel , that there s going to be a chance for me, and i have not the money right now,
before i could do it for free, now , not.
and he knew , all this,
he just , was standing on my way , with things all the time.
i felt like going to the police and say some dirty business he was involved with, which he just gave up when he met me, and, just tell it all, but never found the guts to do so, really ,
and if i do , i do not know what he and his family which 3 members were also involved are going to do , cause they know where my mother leaves.
for the rest there is not an other way for him to pay for what he has done to me,
for what he had done is really evil ,and his mother , that knows about everything , is a f ing b ch , and , she tries to excuse him , telling me now , that , he has maybe some psychological problems , while she never helped me .
while she could, she just let it all happen, and while her boyfriend , is making lot s of money , out of the business, that what i used to call a boyfriend has made up for him , and , so she takes the advantages out of it,
pretending she is an artist , and she s also known here,
to do , art, , so , i m f ed , by all sides from this people.
and ja, my life just went no where, and neither do i know,
how to get out of it.
my nerves are broken, and my pockets also.
really was i broken out of everything, and , i could not stand on my feet,
and on the other ja, people that do ,purposely harm to others to just get away with it , life is a crazy thing.
and people that want simple things , and try to do them to get so much , s t for nothing.
so how , can i get , to forget , that my life just was f ed for nothing ...
and how can i stand on my feet now where i m useless with no proffesion , and knowing nothing to do ,
but really , sh t , jobs
how can i ever tell my mother the truth
that thinks that i m just lazy , where she knows nothing ???
how >>???
i ve been in pain for years, and i did not know what to do , only last year did i say , that it was not my fault , and it does not matter what he says, for , anything i ever said, it was taken from a very negative point of view, by him and ,there is nothing i could say , to him that he could see it, and so , my integrity was , in pain.
only last year did i decide, to say , that it was not my fault and no matter the guilt he is putting in me because of what ever secrets he may hold , i should not care ,about what he says to me.
only now did i decide to talk to someone , for i have never done this, and that is you ,
i do not really know , where to go,
i do not have money , and also even if , i asked him to tell me a procedure of going to a psychologist , here,
he just says, that everything is fine with me.........and i do not need one.
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