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Subject: Very confused

Author:
Jen (confused)
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Date Posted: 07:10:14 02/12/08 Tue

I am very confused on my situation right now. My husband and I have been married a little over 6 yrs together, we have have known each other 8 years. We met on the internet with both of us getting out of previous marriages. I lived in California and he lived in Florida, in time I got pregnant with my daughter and moved to Florida to join him and within that time we had gotten married. When I first met him he was wonderful, caring, loving, and I thought that he was just the most charming man I ever knew!! I began to realize in the first year that he didn't like me having "men" friends. all my life I have had "men" friends, I get along with them, and I enjoy there company. He made me cut ties with a friend of mine I had for 15 yrs, because he thought that "him and I had too much of an emotional connection". I was kind of confused at the time, but didn't really think anything of it. I started to go behind his back, and talk to this man, because he was one of my friends. well when he found out, it was like world war 3, and all my fault, and I "cheated" on him, so he says, by talking to him. I, according to him, ruined our trust in our marriage, and that anything beyond that would be my fault. Again, I got scared that if I continued to talk to this man, that it would be a constant fight between my husband and I. It killed me to give up a friendship for my husband, but I thought that if I respected him enough I should do it to make him happy. I now question that, now in retrospect.

After one more child, and a few more years of marriage we began to have a bit more problems with our marriage. He had an"online" relationship with someone, and planned on meeting her, he said he didn't, she said they did, but I don't believe him, but I forgave him, and moved on. As time went on, when things went wrong it was always my fault, "well you screwed up the bills" "well why are you going to the store and buying stupid stuff" "well why are you talking to people who are so nonsupporting" "you need to let go of your friends, and stop looking in the past and look in the future". He wouldn't let me talk about anything of his past, because he didn't want me to have him think of me as a bad person. I tried to explain to him that my past is important and I hold my past experiences dearly because this is how it got to be where I am today.

Well the last few years, he decided to go to paramedic school, on top of playing in a volunteer fire dept that he adored. I gave up just about every night of the week for him to do something that made him happy. I was lonely, I was unhappy and I was miserable. I thought that he would never be there for me to babysit because his life is so busy and I wanted to make him happy. I ended up having an emotional affair with one of his friends, and he found out just recently.

When that happened I realized I hadn't been happy for a long time, I was sick and tired of being blamed for everything, sick and tired of feeling trapped, and sick and tired of feeling lonely and guilty for everything. I went to a personal counselor, and he has been a great help. he has helped me realize that my husband is an emotional abuser, and controlling. I never even considered this about him, until recently. I have began to stand up to my husband, and make him accountable for his own actions. I remind him that not everything is my fault, and he needs to look in the mirror at times. He goes through these cycles of "poor me" "this is your fault" goes around hitting things and then becomes apologetic and says he'll change. In the times he claims he will change I believe him, but as itme goes on I realize it is not true. It has only been a month since I started standing up to him. Everyone including my my counselor and friends say I need to leave him because emotional abusers have a hard time changing. Leaving would be the hardest thing in my life, I have no job, I have three kids, and live 2500 miles away from any support. My mother is coming out here for 2 weeks and staying in a condo, if I decide to leave she is here to help me. I battle my feelings EVERYDAY, I don't know what the right answer, I can't handle the emotional roller coaster, and it effects my children. My husband told my daughter he hated me a few days after the affair, and now she is scared to death he hates me. He cries like a baby so everyone hears him and my 5 yr old wants me to hold her while he does it. That is not fair to her, she doesn't deserve it. When I threaten to leave he always tells me that this is my fault the marriage is ending, and that I have nothing, and I'm just going to run back into my family's arms. It is hard to not breakdown in front of him, but I stand my guard. He hates it, he says I'm an emotional wall that is nto breaking and he's tired of it. He claims that I did the cheating and he is paying the price, this is my fault that he is in pain and i "owe" him something. I begin to think I "owe" him something, I don't know what I "owe" him but I begin to believe it. I show him these thigns on emotional abuse and he freaks out, he doesn't want to believe it and gets angry when i look things up or talks about it.

So HERE is my question, does this sound like a typical emotional abuser? I know he is, but I really need more evidence to myself to prove that "yes this is UNHEALTHY". I live in fear that he is going to try to put a restraining order on me. He has already turned the internet off, turned my cell phone off and turned my house phone off numerous times to "intimidate" me. I told him to go ahead and do it, and it just gives me more reason to leave. He says my counselor doesn't know him and he wants to go talk to my counselor himself to show him that I am at fault for his pain, and anger.

I think he thinks something is wrong with him, but I do not believe he thinks he is an abuser, I think he thinks he just needs anger management and than that will cure him. He got put on zoloft, and goes to personal counseling, but I know he is just telling them all the stuff I do, and nothing more.

I am at a crossroads right now, and I am looking for advice or reassurance for anyone out there who is going through the same sort of thing! Thanks for reading my BIG LONG story!! Venting feels good!

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Hi Jen. You are in a classic abusive relationship. We have an abuse test on line. I would bet to say you would get an "A" in how you are feeling. What do you need me to say, "leave"? That is not my job. That is a personal question that only you can make. What I will tell you however is continue to heal. As you do, the right answers will come to you. Also, tell him to turn on your phone and the computer. Period. You are not child on restriction. You are an adult that needs (yes NEEDS) connection to the outside world. If he says "no", take the credit card and do it yourself. Put it in your name only so he does not have access to it. You must continue to take responsibility over the little things if you are going to gain the courage to take responsibility over your entire life. Also, abuse is not a disease or demon. It is a learned behavior. He is teaching it to your kids. Is that what you want? I would venture if you were here, you would tell me "no"... Hope this helps. Dr. Tracy Kemble 16:23:36 02/28/08 Thu

Re: Very confused Mia 02:30:46 04/23/08 Wed

Re: Very confused Teresa (going through it too) 23:53:45 05/10/08 Sat

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>I am very confused on my situation right now. My >husband and I have been married a little over 6 yrs >together, we have have known each other 8 years. We >met on the internet with both of us getting out of >previous marriages. I lived in California and he >lived in Florida, in time I got pregnant with my >daughter and moved to Florida to join him and within >that time we had gotten married. When I first met him >he was wonderful, caring, loving, and I thought that >he was just the most charming man I ever knew!! I >began to realize in the first year that he didn't like >me having "men" friends. all my life I have had "men" >friends, I get along with them, and I enjoy there >company. He made me cut ties with a friend of mine I >had for 15 yrs, because he thought that "him and I had >too much of an emotional connection". I was kind of >confused at the time, but didn't really think anything >of it. I started to go behind his back, and talk to >this man, because he was one of my friends. well when >he found out, it was like world war 3, and all my >fault, and I "cheated" on him, so he says, by talking >to him. I, according to him, ruined our trust in our >marriage, and that anything beyond that would be my >fault. Again, I got scared that if I continued to >talk to this man, that it would be a constant fight >between my husband and I. It killed me to give up a >friendship for my husband, but I thought that if I >respected him enough I should do it to make him happy. > I now question that, now in retrospect. > >After one more child, and a few more years of marriage >we began to have a bit more problems with our >marriage. He had an"online" relationship with >someone, and planned on meeting her, he said he >didn't, she said they did, but I don't believe him, >but I forgave him, and moved on. As time went on, >when things went wrong it was always my fault, "well >you screwed up the bills" "well why are you going to >the store and buying stupid stuff" "well why are you >talking to people who are so nonsupporting" "you need >to let go of your friends, and stop looking in the >past and look in the future". He wouldn't let me talk >about anything of his past, because he didn't want me >to have him think of me as a bad person. I tried to >explain to him that my past is important and I hold my >past experiences dearly because this is how it got to >be where I am today. > >Well the last few years, he decided to go to paramedic >school, on top of playing in a volunteer fire dept >that he adored. I gave up just about every night of >the week for him to do something that made him happy. >I was lonely, I was unhappy and I was miserable. I >thought that he would never be there for me to babysit >because his life is so busy and I wanted to make him >happy. I ended up having an emotional affair with one >of his friends, and he found out just recently. > >When that happened I realized I hadn't been happy for >a long time, I was sick and tired of being blamed for >everything, sick and tired of feeling trapped, and >sick and tired of feeling lonely and guilty for >everything. I went to a personal counselor, and he >has been a great help. he has helped me realize that >my husband is an emotional abuser, and controlling. I >never even considered this about him, until recently. >I have began to stand up to my husband, and make him >accountable for his own actions. I remind him that >not everything is my fault, and he needs to look in >the mirror at times. He goes through these cycles of >"poor me" "this is your fault" goes around hitting >things and then becomes apologetic and says he'll >change. In the times he claims he will change I >believe him, but as itme goes on I realize it is not >true. It has only been a month since I started >standing up to him. Everyone including my my >counselor and friends say I need to leave him because >emotional abusers have a hard time changing. Leaving >would be the hardest thing in my life, I have no job, >I have three kids, and live 2500 miles away from any >support. My mother is coming out here for 2 weeks and >staying in a condo, if I decide to leave she is here >to help me. I battle my feelings EVERYDAY, I don't >know what the right answer, I can't handle the >emotional roller coaster, and it effects my children. >My husband told my daughter he hated me a few days >after the affair, and now she is scared to death he >hates me. He cries like a baby so everyone hears him >and my 5 yr old wants me to hold her while he does it. > That is not fair to her, she doesn't deserve it. >When I threaten to leave he always tells me that this >is my fault the marriage is ending, and that I have >nothing, and I'm just going to run back into my >family's arms. It is hard to not breakdown in front >of him, but I stand my guard. He hates it, he says >I'm an emotional wall that is nto breaking and he's >tired of it. He claims that I did the cheating and he >is paying the price, this is my fault that he is in >pain and i "owe" him something. I begin to think I >"owe" him something, I don't know what I "owe" him but >I begin to believe it. I show him these thigns on >emotional abuse and he freaks out, he doesn't want to >believe it and gets angry when i look things up or >talks about it. > >So HERE is my question, does this sound like a typical >emotional abuser? I know he is, but I really need >more evidence to myself to prove that "yes this is >UNHEALTHY". I live in fear that he is going to try to >put a restraining order on me. He has already turned >the internet off, turned my cell phone off and turned >my house phone off numerous times to "intimidate" me. >I told him to go ahead and do it, and it just gives me >more reason to leave. He says my counselor doesn't >know him and he wants to go talk to my counselor >himself to show him that I am at fault for his pain, >and anger. > >I think he thinks something is wrong with him, but I >do not believe he thinks he is an abuser, I think he >thinks he just needs anger management and than that >will cure him. He got put on zoloft, and goes to >personal counseling, but I know he is just telling >them all the stuff I do, and nothing more. > >I am at a crossroads right now, and I am looking for >advice or reassurance for anyone out there who is >going through the same sort of thing! Thanks for >reading my BIG LONG story!! Venting feels good!
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