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>>I am very confused on my situation right now. My >>husband and I have been married a little over 6 yrs >>together, we have have known each other 8 years. We >>met on the internet with both of us getting out of >>previous marriages. I lived in California and he >>lived in Florida, in time I got pregnant with my >>daughter and moved to Florida to join him and within >>that time we had gotten married. When I first met him >>he was wonderful, caring, loving, and I thought that >>he was just the most charming man I ever knew!! I >>began to realize in the first year that he didn't like >>me having "men" friends. all my life I have had "men" >>friends, I get along with them, and I enjoy there >>company. He made me cut ties with a friend of mine I >>had for 15 yrs, because he thought that "him and I had >>too much of an emotional connection". I was kind of >>confused at the time, but didn't really think anything >>of it. I started to go behind his back, and talk to >>this man, because he was one of my friends. well when >>he found out, it was like world war 3, and all my >>fault, and I "cheated" on him, so he says, by talking >>to him. I, according to him, ruined our trust in our >>marriage, and that anything beyond that would be my >>fault. Again, I got scared that if I continued to >>talk to this man, that it would be a constant fight >>between my husband and I. It killed me to give up a >>friendship for my husband, but I thought that if I >>respected him enough I should do it to make him happy. >> I now question that, now in retrospect. >> >>After one more child, and a few more years of marriage >>we began to have a bit more problems with our >>marriage. He had an"online" relationship with >>someone, and planned on meeting her, he said he >>didn't, she said they did, but I don't believe him, >>but I forgave him, and moved on. As time went on, >>when things went wrong it was always my fault, "well >>you screwed up the bills" "well why are you going to >>the store and buying stupid stuff" "well why are you >>talking to people who are so nonsupporting" "you need >>to let go of your friends, and stop looking in the >>past and look in the future". He wouldn't let me talk >>about anything of his past, because he didn't want me >>to have him think of me as a bad person. I tried to >>explain to him that my past is important and I hold my >>past experiences dearly because this is how it got to >>be where I am today. >> >>Well the last few years, he decided to go to paramedic >>school, on top of playing in a volunteer fire dept >>that he adored. I gave up just about every night of >>the week for him to do something that made him happy. >>I was lonely, I was unhappy and I was miserable. I >>thought that he would never be there for me to babysit >>because his life is so busy and I wanted to make him >>happy. I ended up having an emotional affair with one >>of his friends, and he found out just recently. >> >>When that happened I realized I hadn't been happy for >>a long time, I was sick and tired of being blamed for >>everything, sick and tired of feeling trapped, and >>sick and tired of feeling lonely and guilty for >>everything. I went to a personal counselor, and he >>has been a great help. he has helped me realize that >>my husband is an emotional abuser, and controlling. I >>never even considered this about him, until recently. >>I have began to stand up to my husband, and make him >>accountable for his own actions. I remind him that >>not everything is my fault, and he needs to look in >>the mirror at times. He goes through these cycles of >>"poor me" "this is your fault" goes around hitting >>things and then becomes apologetic and says he'll >>change. In the times he claims he will change I >>believe him, but as itme goes on I realize it is not >>true. It has only been a month since I started >>standing up to him. Everyone including my my >>counselor and friends say I need to leave him because >>emotional abusers have a hard time changing. Leaving >>would be the hardest thing in my life, I have no job, >>I have three kids, and live 2500 miles away from any >>support. My mother is coming out here for 2 weeks and >>staying in a condo, if I decide to leave she is here >>to help me. I battle my feelings EVERYDAY, I don't >>know what the right answer, I can't handle the >>emotional roller coaster, and it effects my children. >>My husband told my daughter he hated me a few days >>after the affair, and now she is scared to death he >>hates me. He cries like a baby so everyone hears him >>and my 5 yr old wants me to hold her while he does it. >> That is not fair to her, she doesn't deserve it. >>When I threaten to leave he always tells me that this >>is my fault the marriage is ending, and that I have >>nothing, and I'm just going to run back into my >>family's arms. It is hard to not breakdown in front >>of him, but I stand my guard. He hates it, he says >>I'm an emotional wall that is nto breaking and he's >>tired of it. He claims that I did the cheating and he >>is paying the price, this is my fault that he is in >>pain and i "owe" him something. I begin to think I >>"owe" him something, I don't know what I "owe" him but >>I begin to believe it. I show him these thigns on >>emotional abuse and he freaks out, he doesn't want to >>believe it and gets angry when i look things up or >>talks about it. >> >>So HERE is my question, does this sound like a typical >>emotional abuser? I know he is, but I really need >>more evidence to myself to prove that "yes this is >>UNHEALTHY". I live in fear that he is going to try to >>put a restraining order on me. He has already turned >>the internet off, turned my cell phone off and turned >>my house phone off numerous times to "intimidate" me. >>I told him to go ahead and do it, and it just gives me >>more reason to leave. He says my counselor doesn't >>know him and he wants to go talk to my counselor >>himself to show him that I am at fault for his pain, >>and anger. >> >>I think he thinks something is wrong with him, but I >>do not believe he thinks he is an abuser, I think he >>thinks he just needs anger management and than that >>will cure him. He got put on zoloft, and goes to >>personal counseling, but I know he is just telling >>them all the stuff I do, and nothing more. >> >>I am at a crossroads right now, and I am looking for >>advice or reassurance for anyone out there who is >>going through the same sort of thing! Thanks for >>reading my BIG LONG story!! Venting feels good! > > > >Hi Jen, > >I can sooo relate to you. I am currently separated >from my spouse of 12 years. He left me and our four >children to "punish" me and prove a point. He thought >I would come crawling back when he left but that >didn't happen so he started to use his charm and empty >promises to try and get me to say yes please come >back. He had been verbally abusive for 8 >years-constantly telling me how dumb I am and that I >am nothing without him and I would be on the streets >if it weren't for him. > >When he left us he quit paying for our house so we >lost that and my family got a place for me and the >kids to live. But, I still struggle with not falling >for his lies and empty promises. He is so charming >and convincing when he wants to be but goes right back >to the abusive behavior when he gets what he >wants....and sometimes when he doesn't in order to >scare me into giving him what he wants. Sometimes it >seems like it would be easier just to take him back >because financially it is such a struggle with four >kids. I am not college educated and have been a >homemaker for most of our 12 year marriage. But I can >tell you this-no matter how scary it is with the >financial struggles, it is very peaceful when he is >not around her fighting with me. > >I am on this site hoping to find a way to build myself >up in order to not take him back. I hope the same to >you and best wishes with your journey. If your mom >can actually help you, then please consider it while >you have it.
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