Subject: Hi Denise! As I have not had the chance to meet your new friend or know much about his history and pattern, before 2nd guessing any action, you need to be direct and ask him what is going on. It is best to learn to be directt (and you can do it gently, which is what I recommend) and between the two of you establish how things need to be when the other is away. One person does not get to create the rules of the relationship. All dynamics must be voted on by both parties. It is a democracy, not a dictatorship - right? And the best way to avoid it becoming a dictatorship is to speak up now. Not only his response but his behavior to the request for new and healthy behavior will set the tone to what your future will look like. Hope this helps!
Author:
Dr. Tracy Kemble
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Date Posted:13:30:33 06/29/08 Sun In reply to:
Denise
's message, "Putting on the Brakes or being Cautious, Unsure but feels familiar!" on 16:55:12 05/23/08 Fri
>Hi Tracy, Its been awhile since Ive been to WIN
>classes and doing quite well,but miss you guys
>frequently and will be coming back for a few
>refreshers. I am in a new relationship a few mos.
>this person has expressed his love for me deeply and
>states he fell in love with my heart& mind over the
>past year and recently states loves my body as well.
>(Yep,weve done it!) I was a product of verbal/physical
>abuse & abandonment from my husbands, I would give
>myself away completely, and glad to say I am not doing
>any of that anymore and found my grounding finally,
>except I am unsure, I am away every other weekend on
>travel and he expressed he feels like the divorced
>child in the relationship when Im gone, not being able
>to spend time together. I notice his text messaging is
>not his usual when im gone and only usually about
>general things, not his beautiful loving caring words
>& compliments, maybe "missin u" i feel he disconnects
>and then when i return he wants to re-engage within a
>day of my return and then he's back to his normal self
>again. I ask u, how do i determine if this is real
>authentic love, and him just detaching as if to
>protect himself in a way, or if i am being played so
>to speak, i don't beleive its just the sex he wants as
>we sometimes stay the night together and just hold
>each other. He tells me he loves me and has never felt
>this before with another, I just don't want to miss a
>crucial sign, before I get too deep into it, my
>concern now,i am pulling back & observing more,Im
>questioning a withdrawl of love, sumthin done to me
>before but don't know if it is actually that! or me
>being afraid or going crazy if i don't hear/feel his
>words of love!! I want to approach him& ask why his
>distance & change in behavior,pre-occupied? or his way
>of dealing with it. He's now going on a trip & busy
>planning to go & he's doing the same thing, I don't
>want to start going crazy in love again!! I don't want
>it to become an unhealthy pattern or breakdown in
>communication. He is self sufficient & otherwise
>great, I want to make sure I still am and not going to
>sacrifice myself too much in order to get the
>wonderful affection & affirmations! Thanks for your
>kind advice and direction. Denise
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