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>><IMG >src="http://www.mrsglobe.com/images/lasvegas.gif"> >> >>The Bride with a Bouquet of Boundaries >>By Dr. Tracy Kemble >> >> >>I remember preparing for my first wedding. I had >>everything from my gown to the flowers designed >>exactly to how I dreamed. My story went like this: A >>sunset wedding with a handful of people I knew, a >>fitted strapless gown with long gloves to show off my >>buffed pre-wedding shoulders; my three brides maids >>consisting of my two sisters and my best friend, all >>wearing simple yet elegant taupe brown cocktail length >>dresses; and best of all my father, blissfully walking >>me down the isle, who once he gave me away, would go >>hold hands with my mother in the front pew as we >>exchanged our vows. >> >>It could have been a beautiful memory. But it never >>happened that way. In fact the memories of my wedding >>day still create a pit in my stomach. Unlike the way >>my dream played out, where I would gaze into the >>sunset as our friends and family loving watched on, >>instead due to my lack of boundaries turned out to be >>a day meeting the needs, tastes and traditions of >>others. >> >>The shift in my dream began with my deeply traditional >>Irish Catholic soon to be mother-in-law. She refused >>to show up to the wedding if we were not married in >>the church. She claimed our marriage would not be >>recognized by God. I changed the location, as who >>wants both your mother-in-law and God mad at you from >>the start? I then had to change my dress as, >>“Showing my shoulders in church was as sin.” God >>forbid to be sinful on my wedding day, so to not >>offend the Bishop or the Church, strapless turned into >>high neck and long sleeves. Then there was the >>extended family upsets. They were Irish Catholic and >>there were eight in his immediate family alone, so my >>wedding party went from 2 to 13 to avoid alienating >>anyone. Chocolate brown was replaced with traditional >>Irish green gowns to make my husband-to-be happy; and >>as for my ‘blissful’ father, he and my recently >>separated mother would not even sit on the same pew >>together. >> >>Getting married is supposed to be one of the most >>enjoyable memories in a girl’s life. The planning of >>the gown, cake, invites and location are to bring >>dancing emotions of love and passion to the blushing >>bride. Too often however, due to the pressures of >>family, finances, tradition and other’s opinions, >>rather than blushing with love and passion, the bride >>is red with anger and frustration. Why? Because >>while planning the day that is supposed to be all >>about her, she encounters ‘Aunt Opinionated’, ‘In-law >>Insisting’ and ‘Mother My Way’. >> >>It not uncommon for a bride-to-be to desire to please >>herself, as well as her immediate family, her fiancé >>and her new in-laws. The pressures of creating a day >>that everyone can enjoy, and yet allowing the bride to >>still feel it is ‘her’ day, is the optimum goal. To >>do that however, requires a balance of not only >>focusing on the beauty of the flowers in the bouquet, >>but to also make sure you are armed with an arsenal of >>personal boundaries as well. >> >>If you are a bride who finds yourself having to fight >>for your own way on your special day; if you are torn >>between keeping family peace yet creating your >>lifetime memories, here are five boundaries to tuck in >>your wedding planning kit that will ensure your >>wedding bliss. >> >>#1: Recognize Unsolicited Donations: People have a >>bad habit of giving, “Unsolicited Donations” to >>brides. Unsolicited Donations are the advise, >>recommendations, and opinions given without prompting >>or solicitation. As you plan the day that will lock >>itself in your memory bank, be aware of any >>unsolicited donations from the influencers in your >>life. If and when you are handed any unsolicited >>donations, rather than allowing yourself to be pushed >>into it or offended by it, simply thank the donor for >>their input. “Thank you for that information. If my >>current plans change, it is something to consider.” >>No matter what, never agree at first blush to their >>donation, recommendation or tradition unless you know >>without a shadow of doubt it is right for you. >> >>#2: Remember you have a plan: We are able to be >>pushed into something we do not want when we do not >>have a plan in place. Therefore, as you plan your >>wedding, realize that every aspect of your special day >>is already planned, even if you are not yet aware of >>what you want. How then, do you handle the ‘yet to >>be determined plans’ others are anxious to fill for >>you? You put them in the “under planning” category. >>The ‘under planning’ category is your pause button >>that will allow you to have the time to consider all >>aspects of your choice. The “under planning” category >>means yours plans are set, you have simply not >>detailed or announced them publicly as of yet. >>Implementing the “under planning boundary” sounds like >>this:, ‘Thank you for that information. We already >>have that area under planning and we look forward to >>sharing it with the family soon.” >> >>#3: Go on Record from the Start: Some people, >>especially those who believe in being generous with >>their unsolicited donations need to be set strait from >>the beginning. Therefore from the moment the >>engagement is announced, go on record with those >>around you that your wedding will be a celebration of >>the bride and groom and though tradition is important, >>the entire planning will be based on just the two of >>you. This boundary will not stop people from trying >>to influence their way, but it will give you a >>reference point to say, “Thank you for that >>recommendation. The plan for the wedding is to create >>a unique experience that is a total reflection of just >>us. We are excited to share it with everyone and >>begin traditions of our own.” >> >>#4: Choose Your Battles: When it comes to setting >>the stage to what you want and do not want on your >>wedding day, remember you not only have to live with >>yourself, but also with the people you might be >>offending. Therefore, think it through. If the >>request they are making is going to affect your >>memories, then hold your boundary and create a memory >>that you will enjoy replaying in your mind’s eye. To >>this day I am still haunted by pickled green >>bridesmaid dresses. If however, what they are asking >>will not cost you anything but a difference of opinion >>and a smile on their face, consider granting it as a >>form of peace. >> >>#5: Traditions don’t make a healthy marriage: Though >>every parent or family member dreams of a perfect >>wedding according to their taste, tradition, color or >>location do not create a healthy marriage. Good >>communication, intimacy and trust with your partner >>are what do. The planning and pressures of a wedding >>can be a source of stress, conflict and division >>between a young couple. With proper boundaries >>however, the planning of a wedding can serve as an >>excellent place for a new couple to learn to set >>boundaries to create and protect the “us’ factor that >>is required to make marriages work. >> >>When it comes to creating your wedding memories, the >>late Jackie Kennedy Onassis summed it up beautifully >>when she was quoted as saying, “Create good memories, >>as when we are old, they are the only things that we >>have to fill our day.” >># # # >>About Dr. Tracy Kemble: Dr. Tracy Kemble is the >>author of “The Rules of Love” Creating the >>Constitution for the Land of Us. For more visit her >>website at www.WomenInspiraiton.net
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