|
|
|
|
|
| [ VoyUser Login optional ] [ Contact Forum Admin ] [ Post a new message ] [ Search | Check update time ] |
| Subject: The tomato garden | |
|
Author: Big Ronnie [Edit] |
Date Posted: 07:02:57 04/24/07 Tue An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament. Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. Love Dad A few days later he received a letter from his son. Dear Dad, Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES. Love Vinnie At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son. Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love Vinnie |
| Subject: Sex | |
|
Author: Jake [Edit] |
Date Posted: 16:49:40 04/22/07 Sun Sex ed A little girl runs out to the yard where her father is working, and asks him, "Daddy, what's sex?" Her startled father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs. He goes on to tell her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet-dreams... and, he thinks -- what the hell -- and goes on to tell her the works. He covers a wide assortment of topics and by the time he's finished, his daughter is somewhat awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge. Her father finally asks: "So what did you want to know about sex for?" "Oh, mommy said to tell you lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..." |
| Subject: Mowing the Grass | |
|
Author: Jake [Edit] |
Date Posted: 16:47:02 04/22/07 Sun On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn. The neighbour lady from across the street was so outraged that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung!" I took a drink from my can of Busch Light, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened Ray Ban sunglasses and stared directly into the eyes of this nosy ass neighbor and then calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass." |
| Subject: Desert Island | |
|
Author: Jimmy [Edit] |
Date Posted: 16:14:46 04/22/07 Sun Stranded on a desert island One day an Irishman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten long years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft. Suddenly, emerging from the surf is a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She approaches the stunned man and says to him, "Tell me how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years," replies the Irishman. With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Faith and begorah! Is that good!" "And how long has it been since you've had a sip of good Irish Whiskey?" she asks him. Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years." She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "‘Tis absolutely fantastic!" At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?" With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh, Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too." |
| Subject: Condom | |
|
Author: Jimmy [Edit] |
Date Posted: 17:58:21 12/23/06 Sat President Boris Yeltsin called Clinton with an emergency: "Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the Russian President cried. "My people's favorite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!" "Boris, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you," replied the President. "I do need your help," said Yeltsin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?" "Why certainly! I'll get right on it!" said Clinton. "Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Yeltsin. "Yes?" "Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Yeltsin. "No problem," replied the President and, with that, Clinton hung up and called the President of Trojan. "I need a favor, you've got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send them to Russia." "Consider it done," said the President of Trojan. "Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10" long and 4" wide." "Easily done. Anything else?" "Yeah," said the President, "print 'MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE MEDIUM' on each one." |
| Subject: Oh Yes | |
|
Author: Jimmy [Edit] |
Date Posted: 17:55:40 12/23/06 Sat A chicken and an egg were laying next to each other in bed. The chicken was smoking a cigarette, and with a very pissed-off look the egg said, "Well........ I guess that answers that long asked question!" |
| Subject: Tits | |
|
Author: Jimmy [Edit] |
Date Posted: 17:51:05 12/23/06 Sat A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers. " Hi, is Tony home?" " No, he went to the store." "Well, you mind if I wait?" " No, come in." They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one." Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together." Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves. A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know, your weird friend Chris came over. " Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?" |
| Subject: Material Gay | |
|
Author: Jimmy [Edit] |
Date Posted: 17:48:02 12/23/06 Sat These 4 gents go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee. "My son Kent," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the home-building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift." The second man, no to be out done, tells how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "Norm's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave his friend two brand new cars as a gift." The third man's son, Greg, has worked his way up through a stock brokerage, and in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift. As the fourth man arrives at the tee, another tells him that they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in. "To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son turned out," he replies. "For 15 years, Chico's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's gay. However, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates." |
| Subject: Which door | |
|
Author: Monica B. [Edit] |
Date Posted: 15:36:36 04/26/06 Wed George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him. "Im not sure what to do here," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you,but you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got 3 people here in separate rooms who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves, alright?" George thinks that sounds pretty good, so he agrees. The Devil opens the door into the first room. In it is John Howard floundering around in a large pool of water. He keeps sinking and resurfacing over and over and over, gasping for air. Such was his fate in Hell. "No!" George cries. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long, forever." The Devil leads him to the next room. In it is Tony Blair with a sledgehammer. The room is full of large rocks. All Blair does is swing that sledgehammer, time after time after time, over and over, smashing rocks and more rocks immediately appear to replace the ones he smashes. "No!exclaims George. I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if I had to smash up rocks all day, forever!" The Devil opens the third door In it, George sees Bill Clinton pegged out naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs spreadeagled out. Bent over Clinton is Monica Lewinsky, busily doing what Monica does best. George Bush looks at this in disbelief for a while and finally says, "Yeah, okay, I can handle this." The Devil smiles and says gently...."Monica, you're free to go." |
| Subject: Dumb Blonde | |
|
Author: Bo Peep [Edit] |
Date Posted: 15:33:18 04/26/06 Wed A lady walks into a bar and sees a really good-looking guy sitting at the bar by himself. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking. "Magic Beer," he says. She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after realizing that there is no one else worth talking to, goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says, "That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?" "Yes, I'll show you." He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times and comes back in the window. The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again." He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window. She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, So the guy says to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having." She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies. The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk." |
| Subject: The Bait | |
|
Author: Kathy G. [Edit] |
Date Posted: 15:30:34 04/26/06 Wed A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Wal-Mart associate is standing there wearing dark shades She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes. She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00." She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by! the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. "Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says. She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around. The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please. " The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?" He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50." |
| Subject: Buy it all | |
|
Author: Jerry Flag [Edit] |
Date Posted: 15:26:43 04/26/06 Wed Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on A bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and Begins to talk. Everyone in the room stops to listen. MAN: "Hello." WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" MAN: "Yes." WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?" MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much." WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2006 models. I saw one I really liked" MAN: "How much?" WOMAN: "$90,000" MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing...... The house I wanted last Year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000." MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They Will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. If it's Really a pretty good price." WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!" MAN: "Bye! I love you, too." The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape..... He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?" |
| Subject: Dumb Blonde | |
|
Author: Scouser 10 [Edit] |
Date Posted: 15:22:34 04/26/06 Wed "Mommy, Mommy," She yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A,b, c, d, e, f, g!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde." The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?" "No, Honey, it's because you're 25." |
| Subject: The Doh Boy | |
|
Author: Bill [Edit] |
Date Posted: 15:08:01 04/26/06 Wed It is with the saddest heart that I have to pass on the following news. Please join me in remembering a great icon. Veteran Pillsbury spokesperson, The Pillsbury Doughboy, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a slightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, Captain Crunch, and many others. The graveside was piled high with flours. Longtime friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded." Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, as he wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, even as a crusty old man he was considered a roll model for millions. Toward the end it was thought he'd rise once again, but he was no tart. Doughboy is survived by his second wife, Play Dough. They have two children and one in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes. |
|
Forum timezone: GMT-8 VF Version: 2.94, ConfDB: Before posting please read our privacy policy. VoyForums(tm) is a Free Service from Voyager Info-Systems. Copyright © 1998-2008 Voyager Info-Systems. All Rights Reserved. |