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Alternate Path
AlternatePath Public Forum

This forum is set up to provide a safe place to discuss issues faced when you discover that you are in a mixed orientation relationship. (where one spouse is str8, and the other is bi/gay/lesbian. Our focus is on healing and finding your own path,
be that with your spouse, or separate from your spouse.
When posting to this forum:
1) Be courteous! Write from the context of your experience and observations.
2) Each writer is encouraged to find their own unique way of resolving and integrating their sexual diversity issues. The
forum does not endorse or denounce any one relationship style.
3) Posts are expected to be respectful and supportive of others on this forum. Sarcasm, open criticism, fault finding,
homophobia, maligning another's character, profanity, and coarse language are not allowed.



This is a public forum, your post could be viewed by anyone with internet access, so post responsibly! Leave out details
that would "out you" to your friends and neighbors.



Subject: documentary


Author:
Jenile (hopeful!)
[Edit]
Date Posted: 13:16:24 09/15/09 Tue
Hi everyone!

I hope you dont mind and will indulge this message but I need help!

My name is Jenile and I'm a first year graduate student at the New School in New York. A really close friend of mine- a straight woman- has been married to her husband for the past 18 years but about 6 years ago he came out to her. He battled with his sexuality for years, and although she experienced initial feelings of hurt and devastation when he came out, they stayed together because at the core of their relationship was still deep friendship and deep love. In school, I'm looking to create my first documentary and believe VERY STRONGLY in doing a portrait of a mixed orientation marriage. I'm incredibly inspired by my friends but cannot use them as the subjects of my film because they recently moved to Europe, so I'm looking to find couples like them in the New York metropolitan area. There are so many mixed orientation marriages that exist, and it seems they're relationships are left out of the broader dialogue of marriage and love. When married gay men have come out publically, the media tends to sensationalize the issue, often at the expense of the wives and families. So I'd really just love to dig deeper, even beyond sexuality, for people to see how love manifests itself in many ways, and show the difficulties for both partners, but alongside what can also be very good.

All that said, I found a link to your group and as I'm doing my initial researched, hoped I could reach out to anyone reading who could help me form ideas or even help me locate couples interested in coming with me along this journey. I'm committed to doing this topic justice so I just want to begin a dialogue with as many people as possible.

Again, thanks for indulging me. I really hope to hear from anyeone soon!

brooj383@newschool.edu

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Subject: What to do


Author:
No name (confused?)
[Edit]
Date Posted: 17:15:35 08/18/09 Tue
In Dec. it will be 5 yrs of marriage and we have been together for 8 yrs now. I have always had trust issues because i was molested and raped when i was younger. So that has always been hard on our marriage. We have lived happily though. He has been the only one i have ever been with, and i hope it stays like that. I love him, and I know I will always love him. We have a 3 yr old who loves him very much. I have always felt he was hiding something and that something was keeping us from completely being honest w one another. Well i spied on him and saw he had been texting someone alot. So got curious and checked his phone. Then found some text saying loved being w you and all kinds of stuff like that. It broke my heart. I hide it for 2 days then finally couldnt deal w out talkin about it. So then he was asleep and i woke him up and asked him if he was having an affair he said no of course which hurt me more because i knew he was lying. Then i showed him his phone he said he had been wanting to tell me but was so ashamed. Its just he is bi. He was 8 yrs old when he first started getting molested and raped by his babysitter. No one in the family knows. I want to help him out. I understood him a little because i was in the same situation. I was molested by my girl babysitter, my uncle and then raped by my ex. So i was confused for the longest time. I gave him the option to stay or leave. I want him to be happy. I feel he deserves it. I love him and want to work at this and he says he does to. But then i was trying to be ok and be cool i guess so i told him it was ok for him to talk to the guy and see him one last time...but then my heart broke when he just did it... so i called him and he came home but he kept debating and i am not sure if its me he wants he says it is. but will i even be able to trust him at all now? What should i do? Should i leave and let him just be happy? Will i ever be happy with him? He is planning on having some counseling. But i am still unsure what is right for us

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Subject: Finally coming to terms


Author:
Mich
[Edit]
Date Posted: 10:39:42 10/03/06 Tue
I don't know where to begin~ When we met 13 years ago, it was a strong bond. To this day, he can walk in a room and I get butterflies like a little girl. I miss him if I don't hear from him. Before we were married, he informed me he had an attraction to men. It had been physical a few times, and he considered himself bisexual. Since that eventful evening, there was (almost) one encounter. He states he could not go through with it, as I was in every thought. Over the years, I know of his actions that are only voyeurism and chat on line. But, what it has escalated to, has come to a crossroads. I no longer feel I can ignore how left out I feel at times, and how hurt I am with his interests. Our intimacy is nill. I feel left out and hurt. I have an appointment with a counselor next Monday to start to get us on the right path. How fortunate I am that we do have a strong line of communication that (even though the road is going to be long)we BOTH want this to work. I'd love to hear from anyone with related events. I feel alone.

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Subject: Help torn up over spouse bicuriousity?


Author:
Amy
[Edit]
Date Posted: 07:13:50 01/22/09 Thu
I am so happy to have found this forum to post. I need some advice and feel like I have no where to turn. Out of respect for my hubsband, I feel like there is no one in my family or friends that I can turn to. I have always suspected that my spouse was gay or bi. I have also always known that he loves me and has always done everything possible to make me happy. I truly feel that he is my soul mate. My husband and I have been married for 11 years and have 2 small children. Over the years of our marriage I have found gay/bi porn. Either dvds or web sites on the computer. He is normally very careful and deletes his browsing history, but has slipped a couple of times. Although it do feel some pain over this, it is something that I have been aware of for many years. I feel as if in some ways I've come to deal with it. It's only porn. My husband and I have always had a healthy and exciting sex life. We have even watched bi porn together, although it has been many years since we have. I am not opposed to seeing 2 men or 2 women being sexual together. Our sex life changed about 3 years ago due to an injury that occured with my husband. The injury caused some nerve damage to his saddle area, and erections don't happen often. We spent about an year with no sexaul contact. Mostly I believe due to his healing from the injury and emototional distress he felt due to the nerve damage and being able to preform sexually. Over the last 2 years things have gotten better, we participate in different activites which most times end with an orgasam for me not for him. About two weeks ago I again discovered the gay porn, and also craiglist. My husband has a job that requires he travel. 4-5 nights a week. I discovered that he was looking at the craigslist in the area that he was about to go to. After he was gone, I too checked out the craigslist in the area. I discovered postings from a man seeking a man. The posting is coming from the hotel that he is staying. The stats on the postings are mostly his.(few years younger and few pounds lighter). MWM in town on business. The postings are offering oral or manual stimulation for other man. He wants no reciprication and wants another str8 actin, curious, or bi man. The poster to these posts is posting offen. At least every day, and starts either once he arrives in town or is done with work for the day. I can't see how it is not him! Although I have come to accept the curiosity with the porn, the betrail of propositioning to preform sexual favors to strangers! I don't know how to feel or deal with this. I had planned to comfront his last weekend while he was home. But when he came home I couldn't! I feel like I have coward. We have always said divorce is not an option, and fedelity was a must. I have never strayed, and truly felt that he wouldn't either. But if the poster is him, hasn't he? I want so badly to tell him I know, about the porn and craigslist. I'm terrified of what will happen once I do. Will we seperate, divorce? How will we get past it? I have always thought it is terrible for married couples to stay married for the kids. But I don't want my children to have parents that aren't married! That thought alone scares me the most. I also don't want to spend another 10 years in denial. How can I trust him again? Has he been doing this the whole time he's been on the road? How many people have ever responded? In the last 8 days he has made at least that many advancements. I can't remember the last 8 advancements he's made towards me. I've become almost obsessed with watching for his posts. I check all the time. Everytime I see the posting I beleive is his, my heart sinks. I wonder why not just say something NOW! I can't bring myself to do it by phone. I feel like I can't let him off that easy. But face to face i couldn't do last week, and don't know about this week. I don't know where to turn, and look forward to any advice.
Amy

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Subject: My husband is BI??


Author:
Ann
[Edit]
Date Posted: 07:16:14 09/18/06 Mon
My husband and I have been together for 11 years and to be honest I guess deep down I might have known there were some things wrong when we got together. We had a whirlwind relationship and I became pregnant, we got married after knowing each other only 2 months. He was in theater and was friends w/lots of gay men but always professed to be a bit homophobic and just "got used" to them. As far as I knew when I met him he was very much heterosexual and even confided in me that b/c of a mix of low self esteem and a bit of curiosity that he had used a call girl service for sex (hookers) on about 4 different occassions in college, he's a very good looking guy so my question was why did he feel that he couldn't get a girl at a bar like all the other guys?? He then confided that he had been molested by a man (actually a teen that was the older brother of a little friend of his) when he was about 10 years old. He says that this made him feel dirty and ugly and in his junior high years he had fooled around with a male friend of his, I thought perhaps he was just young and confused due to the molestation. Turns out, there's much more...
About a year ago he admitted to having sexual encounters in college with men, oral sex performed on him but he did not touch the guy and did not desire to have intercourse with them. After much pressing by me he admitted months after this initial admission that he had visited a porn store (one where you put in money and watch a bit of porn movies...hetero sex...in a small room with a door) which are hangouts for gay men, he would leave the door unlocked and a guy would come in and give him oral sex, he says this happened 2 times b/f we were married, 3 times since. Then he became scared he was bisexual so he started visiting female strip clubs instead and about a year and a 1/2 ago he had an affair, oral sex given to him only, he says, by a female client of his, IN HIS OFFICE no less!! He says he was trying to prove to himself that he wasn't gay...all the while we have 3 children and a great sex life. So, to end this, this past Sat., he admits feeling attraction to men on occasion, that he now accepts he is bisexual and that if it weren't for a fear of AIDS he would have had intercourse with men.
I'm hurt and confused and I guess deep down I know it's over but it's so hard b/c I do love him. There's the question of his sexuality but also he had cheated on me, including kissing an old female friend of his, if you count that and I do, six times in 11 years. He says he loves me and cries and says he can't leave...what to do?? Previous to this affair with a woman a year and 1/2 ago, I didn't know ANY of this stuff, the men, the women, nothing, I thought he was great...perfect, in fact. So, it's all a bit like a bad dream, a nightmare...is there any hope? I guess I just need to make sure b/f I end it and tear apart my family, my kids adore him and he's a good dad, all of this obviously not taken into consideration, as the kids don't have a clue obviously and as far as spending time with them, being involved in their lives and caring for them, he's great. Any help will be appreciated...

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Subject: How do I get him to be honest?


Author:
Triste
[Edit]
Date Posted: 13:03:36 04/17/09 Fri
Hi, I hope someone is out there at the moment? I'm just applied for the forum but I'm not sure I can wait, I hope you understand.

Yesterday I found an email account belonging to my husband with 1/2 a dozen messages. These were trying to arrange a meeting with another man for some "action".

Although this has been a huge shock and I am beyond crying into howling, I guess I would have to admit that I have been concerned in the past. Not through finding emails or porn, just female intuition. We've been married 12 years and there have been months at a time without sex and I normally have to make the first move - though he has never turned me down and is normally very keen once he gets going. I have always glossed over this as we have a great partnership, share the same outlooks, hobbies and are great friends, he is also very tactile.

I am so confused as I don't think we can move on unless we can have an honest discussion about his sexuality.

We have not had a conversation since I found out. I could not face him and he is spending time outside of the home. He is coming around tomorrow to talk. Has anyone any advise on how to keep calm and to get him to talk honestly with me?

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Subject: husband'bi curiosity


Author:
annie
[Edit]
Date Posted: 09:51:04 03/29/09 Sun
I confronted my husbad, He shows me anything I want to see and has given me his passwords. We have agreed on an open marriage where he gets Friday nights. He now is looking for someone to have his first sexual encounter with. I have told him that I will share a bed, but we will no longerhave intecourse. Time will tell if it will work, but my head is still spinning.

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Subject: I just need answers


Author:
No name (reeleeconfussed)
[Edit]
Date Posted: 10:57:10 05/23/08 Fri
We've been together for 25 years and married for 24. He just came out to me 5 days ago, that he has been having thoughts of being with men. He admitted to have theses thoughts for over ten years, states that he has not acted on them (except on computer). He states he loves me and that nothing's going to change and that he's not leaving. But everything has changed.....for me at least. My whole world is crumbing down around me. The problem is I need answers and I push and push. How can he not know what he wants to do? He has had over 10 years of this going though his head.... how can he not know what he wants? He keeps saying it may take years for him to come to terms with what he wants. Am I sappose to sit by and wait and see if that is indeed the lifestyle that he wants?
He keeps putting everything on my shoulders whatever I want he will do. I have done nothing why do I need to decide what to do, nothings changed on my side I didn't decide to change everything. Why is it all on me????
He is finally being truthful with me and has stated that he does not find me attractive in a sexual way anymore. (Only because I questioned him over and over aqain) But he still wants to sleep together and wants to continue to hold me in his arms. I LOVE him so much how can I lie next to him and allow him to hold me knowing he doesn't feel the same attraction that I do?
How can he chance ruining a marriage for thoughts? If he doesn't know if he likes it or not. (he says he hasn't explored it.)
Please any advise???????????

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Subject: A sucessful Couples Gathering!


Author:
Trill
[Edit]
Date Posted: 10:03:55 07/19/07 Thu
Well this year's couples gathering for mixed-orientation couples has been a huge success.
We had 25 couples in attendance! It is heartwarming to see so many in our community reach out to one another. I will be planning on more such gatherings each year, so anyone out there who would like to attend you can email me.
hugs
trill

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Subject: national morning show


Author:
annie
[Edit]
Date Posted: 12:24:53 09/15/08 Mon
HI!

My name is Annie and I am a producer with a nationally syndicated morning show. i am working on a segment about women who stay with their husband after finding out that they are gay or bi-sexual. please email morningshowannie@hotmail.com.

thanks!

Annie

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Subject: am I too supportive


Author:
meg (confused)
[Edit]
Date Posted: 03:39:10 08/11/08 Mon
My husband recently came out to me, he has never surfed the net looking for porn, bought or watched porn or kept any thing secret from me what so ever. We have been married for 12 years and have 1 child together. Although I am shocked and devestated about this turn of events, I understand that this is not his choice, and not what he wants. we attened councelling both together and seperately and he also attends a group with other men in his sitution. However there is nothing for me. I am hoping to find the support that I need here. He thinks that I am too supportive, but I love him very much and although I am trying very hard to let him go (as he says that he needs to "find" out who he is) I am finding that I am just not ready to let go yet. I am hoping that this site will give us an option that will lead to a compromise. He says that he still really loves me but...

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Subject: He's bi, I'm trying to be supportive, but it's tearing me apart inside


Author:
No name (confused)
[Edit]
Date Posted: 10:06:26 09/05/06 Tue
Background first - I've been with my husband for almost 6 years, and we've had a very active, fulfilling sex life. Neither of us had had another partner since we've been together and, as far as I knew, both of us were totally straight.

Over the weekend, we were both talking about wishes, fantasies, interests, etc. and learned 2 things that may change our relationship drastically. The first is that we are both open to poly, which isn't a major issue for me, just one of finding the right guy or couple. The "biggie" is that my husband is very bicurious, and wants to experience sex with another man.

He was very worried about telling me this, and said he was afraid I'd hate him, and that he'd just ruined our marriage by telling me. I told him I still love him & I still want to be married to him, and I don't think I showed any major reaction to this, but it's been sort of freaking me out over the past few days. I want to still be loving & supporting, and I'm willing to accept this, but I don't know how to work out my own feelings right now. I'm afraid that if I try to talk to him about them, he'll see it as a rejection of this part of him.

Has anyone else been in this situation? We live in the heart of the "Bible Belt", are involved in several conservative political groups, & members of a fundamentalist church [I'm pretty religious, I think he goes more for the social aspects. This is a problem too, because it's hard to deal with my love for him & thoughts that what we do is not wrong in the context of a literal interpretation of the Bible.]. Almost all of our friends are from that spectrum of things, so I don't know where to turn for advice.

I thought about asking him if we could go to counseling to talk about things, but I'm afraid he'll think that I'm saying it's wrong or a mental problem, because of the stigma so many people here have about any sort of counseling.

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Subject: Work with Data Entry Companies (309)


Author:
Shakeel Ahmed
[Edit]
Date Posted: 12:36:45 03/17/08 Mon
Work with Data Entry Companies. Type basic transcripts, Fill simple marketing forms, PPC Data entry , Ad submitters , Web researchers, Paid Surveys , Paid Shopping , Paid Driving, Paid Blogging , Paid email/surfing, Telecommuting Jobs , Several other entry level positions. Free E-books, Scripts & Software's. Get $25 Signup Bonus. Plus FREE Lifetime Updates.
Please visit :- http://www.clicknearn.net/idevaffiliate/a/309.php?page=26

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Subject: Work with Data Entry Companies (309)


Author:
SHAKEEL AHMED
[Edit]
Date Posted: 21:09:11 03/15/08 Sat
Work with Data Entry Companies. Type basic transcripts, Fill simple marketing forms, PPC Data entry , Ad submitters , Web researchers, Paid Surveys , Paid Shopping , Paid Driving, Paid Blogging , Paid email/surfing, Telecommuting Jobs , Several other entry level positions. Free E-books, Scripts & Software's. Get $25 Signup Bonus. Plus FREE Lifetime Updates.
Please visit :- http://www.clicknearn.net/idevaffiliate/a/309.php?page=26

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Subject: Can he choose me?


Author:
Carm (very sad)
[Edit]
Date Posted: 06:52:12 03/08/08 Sat
I'm waiting be be approved on Alternate Path. I found out about a month ago that he had had sex with a number of men over about 5 years. We went through a big turmoil, a honeymoon period, and have resolved to make this work. He says he loves only me. But this morning I found some gay porn (not hard stuff, just dumb stories that he'd left on the computer's history. It's really hard to take. I was on the phone with him (he's at work) and he says he's sorry, he'll never act on it again, but I want to know if he really has enough control, or is he too "hard wired?"

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Subject: Any Australians?


Author:
boo
[Edit]
Date Posted: 22:10:39 04/12/07 Thu
Hi, I was wondering... is there is anyone from Australia that uses the alternate path website? Or does anyone know of any Australian support groups/ resources? I'm a 27 yr old woman with a bisexual partner, trying to work out whether I can handle an open reationship or not. Marriage is less common here than in the US, so I hope you don't mind that I'm not married. Glad to find this resource even if i'm the only Aussie. Thanks.

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Subject: Confused


Author:
Carri
[Edit]
Date Posted: 09:01:14 11/30/07 Fri
I recently found out my husband is gay. He has never strayed and says he never will. I love my husband very very much and he says he loves me too. I find it very hard to look at him romantically right now b/c I am "grossed" out by the whole gay thing. We have 3 children and I am hoping we will be able to work things out and keep our marriage intact.

I am very old-fashioned and believe that once you are married, you should stay that way & I also believe that God intended for men & women to have sex together (not same sex). I am hoping that I can find some insight into this so that I can move past everything that was instilled into me as a child.

My husband says he feels that same as I do about keeping our marriage together, but I sense that he doesn't truly feel this way. He has given me the option of a divorce or we could try "toys". I don't want a divorce and frankly, "toys" gross me out. I hope someone can send me some suggestions on how we can possibly work through this and keep our marriage together. Thanks!

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Subject: My husband is also bi, doesn't know how much I know...


Author:
CJ
[Edit]
Date Posted: 00:09:34 11/21/07 Wed
I've been married for almost 5 and a half years and we've been together for almost 9. My husband admitted to being attracted to "t-girls" after I found evidence of porn on our computer accidentally last year. I realized that the porn he looked at (I have absolutely no problem with porn)included male genitalia way more often than not. At first I was surprised, shocked, and confused. He always acted slightly homophobic and I would even chastise him for making rude comments, especially since we live in San Francisco. I talked to him about what I saw in a very light-hearted non-judgmental way. He was a bit defensive at first, but did admit to being attracted. I told him I was interested in exploring that with him and he was very ambivalent about that. That's what I'm having the hardest time with. Not being included in his sex life. I'm very open-minded and loved the idea of possibly getting in on some of the action (or at least getting to watch!). While we have an otherwise great relationship, our sex life is pretty boring. I'd really like for that to change, but it seems he doesn't. He loves craigslist and often responds to ads. He doesn't hide it when he looks at the t4m ads but he does hide it when he looks at the m4m ads. The only reason why I even know is because I was snooping in his e-mail.

I'm afraid he likes men more than women and it hurts in some ways. He's not the man I thought I married and I'm mad at him for not being honest with me in the beginning and giving me the choice to decide if that's what I wanted in a marriage. I'm mad that he's more willing to explore his alternate sexuality with strangers than he is with me. And I'm hurt by that. But I want to make this work with him. If other people can, surely we can too. Right?

How do I even start a conversation with him about this? I've been agonizing about how to have this conversation for months now.

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Subject: Confused and waiting


Author:
Mary
[Edit]
Date Posted: 09:39:55 11/04/07 Sun
Hi

My name is *Mary*. I have been married to the man of my dreams for 5 years this month. We have been together for a total of 9 years this month.
About a year ago I was using my husbands computer and came across some gay porn. And I don't mean just pictures either. I mean forums, chats, file swapping, self portraits being posted, etc... I was furious and crushed at the same time. I guess me being the naive person that I am believed him when he said it wasnt what I thought. He just said he had an men's underwear fetish and that in talking to other people with the same "issue" that it stemmed from his father not being around. (His father was an alcoholic) I took it with a grain of salt, heard him say he would never look at it again and it was dropped. sort of. I was just completely grossed out. I couldnt bring myself to look at him the same way never mind touch him or kiss him.
Six months ago I found the same stuff again. AGAIN! I was crushed and mad doesnt even cover the emotion i was feeling.
He said he was sure he wasnt gay. But that he is curious about that kind of stuff. But one of his excuses now is because I wont have sex with him. I just cant bring myself to look at him without seeing the photos flashing in my mind of the guys rubbing their privates against each other.
So now last night. What do you now found it again!

I do love my husband. But I dont quite know what to do. We have a four year old daughter in the picture as well. I dont want to leave. But I dont know quite how to make it work. This is a hush hush thing and nobody talks about it. I am looking to see how some people make it work, support wise, etc

Thank you!

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Subject: Confused


Author:
Cam
[Edit]
Date Posted: 13:01:15 09/16/07 Sun
Similiarly to all of these posts, I found out my husband was having a homosexual affair. He claims he was looking for someone who was like minded and someone safe to experiement with (Another married man). I want to make our marriage work. The issues I'm dealing with are:


How to understand his sexual identity when I'm not sure if he understands it. (he claims bisexual sometimes or sometimes he says that he is a straight man who has had sex with a man. He says he doesnt want a label and wants me to think of him as just him.) He is going to a therapist to explore these issues. How do I support him? How do I prepare myself for what he might find out about himself? I can't help but distance myself right now, but if I keep doing that I'm scared I just won't care enough to deal with this together.

I refuse to have an open marriage, and he claims to agree saying that all he wants is to be with me. He feels ashamed of what he has done and says that he doesnt NEED to do it. If I refuse him an outlet for these urges am I suppressing a part of his identity and forcing him to be someone that he is not, even though he claims to want monogamy with me? How much should I trust him when he says things like this? Obviously he didnt know himself well enough before he married me, otherwise we wouldnt be going through this.

I want him to be able to be authentic but I'm having a really hard time understanding what his being bisexual will look like or be like in our marriage.

To sum it up I'm wondering How can I be supportive without being too distanced from OUR relationship? How can I be supportive of our relationship without being distanced from his identity?

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Subject: waiting but need to talk


Author:
greenveuve
[Edit]
Date Posted: 10:22:35 08/16/07 Thu
I am waiting for my AP aproval (and think that approval is a good thing by the way)...my story is a lot like everyone else's I guess. Surprise, shock, disorientation but within mere hours of that happening absolutely determined to make this work and knowing that without a doubt this incredible friendship, soul mate relationship and long term marriage was not something I wanted to lose. And knew he didn't either. He's apparently bi-curious though we haven't yet discussed this. He only know I know. So here's my question at least for now (and I have many of them as we all do) -- what moves someone from the fantasy to acting on the fantasy? How on earth to start the conversation about it all? When I let on that I knew I vague but he knew what i was talking about. And all I kept saying was "it's ok. it's ok. I love you." But that's as far as it went. Now I see he is still doing it when I'm away. We still have sex and I've had a raging vaginal infection. How do I deal with that? I want to make sure he's being safe, for himself and for me.

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Subject: Dont know how to handle my feelings


Author:
Freda (confused and hurt)
[Edit]
Date Posted: 20:30:28 07/08/07 Sun
Hey I have been married for 3 years and have known my husband for 14 or 15 years As of last year we separated because of him not being happy always at the bowling alley or anywhere but home.After we separated I got a call from a girl he was messing with and to make a long story short she was the first of 3 all lesbians I later found out. well in sept of last year he came back home to try to work on thing and to of course have a place to lay his head at night.... One day on my way home from work a girl he was seeing before coming home called and told me her 16 year old son had been at the lake all weekend with alex and that alex had gave him a blow job I went home and confronted him and sure enuf he denied it but it was true he busted the window in his truck and finally went to the hospital and admitted to the 5th floor (psych) ward he came home 4 days later telling me was bi curious is what the doctor called it... I c him quite a bit because he moved down the road from me and it is hard not wanting to know where and what he is doing I know he is gay and I want to move on from him its just so hard...

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Subject: waiting for group approval, but need help, support, advice


Author:
No name
[Edit]
Date Posted: 20:49:08 06/20/07 Wed
I am copying and pasting my information from the yahoo!group questionnaire...

Three months after I married, I found out that the man
i married had been having sex with another man for the past several months. He has also shown romantic/physical interest in a married woman (with children) that he works with. He apologized, saying that he is a disaster to me and his family and that he loved me but that he is "crazy inside" and that he was happy for a while but started getting on the Internet and became obsessed with "experimenting" with men. He described the man he had sex with as a "brother figure". In the last week he has acknowledged being attracted to men and women both for as long as he could remember. When he was in his late teens - early 20's he was involved in an abusive and violent relationship with a priest who was more than 10 years older than him. The relationship lasted several years - during which period he also had a girlfriend who he was sexually involved with and became engaged to. He broke up with her under pressure from the priest and eventually left the state altogether to get away from the priest. He often describes the men in his life as "father figures" or "brother figures". He has quit his jobs, spent all night on the phone or Internet with people he has never met. Few of them are women, most are men. He lied to me about everything, and he didn't always use protection. He also cheated on me with at least one woman (just found out about a second woman two days ago). For two months after he disclosed the cheating on me he isolated himself, saying he didn't need help that if he worked 15 hours a day and didnt't get on the Internet, everything
would be fine. For weeks he acted like he hated me and he no longer wanted me in his life. He told me he wanted a divorce and said he never loved me and and was never attracted to me. He says he married me only because I wanted it. I was an emotional wreck - feeling victimized and scared. The man he was having sex with is...was a family friend who, after my husband told him he wanted out of the relationship, threatened to tell everyone about them and eventually telling the married woman that my husband was also pursuing.

Over the past few months though - things have changed - now he wants to stay married but not to live with me - and for us to be friends. He says he is more attracted to men than to women. He recently had a one-night stand with a woman, but he acknowledged that he partly did it because he wanted to see if he was still attracted to women and still interested in sex with women. He fantasizes about having an idyllic life with a man - eventually living with him, but as he is under a lot of pressure right now - I'm not sure how much of it is based in fantasy - also his words are the replica of the words he used with me - wanting the same things.

He is victimized in his relationships with men, yet he victimizes the women he has relationships with.

I am miserable, constantly sad, irritated with him, confused by all the lies that he told me, lonely, mistrusting of EVERY man, and unable to let go. I told him that as long as he seeks therapy, I will remain married to him - he says he will think about it.

I suppose if I have a question it would be this - in anyone's opinion - I suspect he has a sex/love/relationship addiction on top of everything else. His brother has a gambling addiction, and his parent's marriage doesn't sound very healthy (but I don't know about any addictions). If he dealt with the addiction part of his problems - how much would that help the rest of his behavior? I hate having to accept his bisexuality because I think he is gay, not bisexual. He insists he is bisexual because, he says, he gets erections from women and he is attracted to women. But most of his attraction to women is based on getting a woman pregnant and having a son. We tried for a baby, but I miscarried. He denied me having a miscarriage, accusing me of lying and then saying it was my fault because I wasn't healthy enough.

I need any advice or support anyone can give me.

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Subject: Struggling with the "guy" issue


Author:
deremarc67
[Edit]
Date Posted: 10:22:04 10/11/06 Wed
Hi to all. I have applied for membership to a few groups on yahoo and have to wait...and I don't feel I can wait any longer.

I am married for the second time. This man was my best friend after my divorce, and someone that I truly consider to be my soul mate.

He has no kids and hadn't been married before. He had 2 long term relationships with women before me.

One day, I was sitting on his lap at is computer (looking for naughty lingerie :) )and this chat message popped up.

I have always believed in privacy and just x'd it out. But, it just kept popping up! I did read on the 4th one that it was from the same guy as previously and mentioned wanting anal sex...AGAIN!

I x'd it out and pretended I hadn't read anything. My husband just became very quiet and still.

I broached the subject later and he said he didn't know the guy...you know how chats are...sometimes strangers i.m. you.

I didn't buy it and did something which was totally out of character for me. I snooped! And, you know what they say..be careful when you snoop...you might not like what you find!

Well, I didn't like it all. Gay porn membership, a membership to a gay hookup site (squirt) and profiles for yahoo chat with picures of him hard and naked...that were used to chat with men.

He admitted that he had chatted with men...that it was just cyber sex. I asked to be allowed to look at his archives...and he let me...but was angry and (now i know..scared).

Well, he didn't just talk. He had blow jobs and anal sex with these men.

Our talks are gutwrenching and horrid. He adamantly denies being gay or bisexual. He wouldn't admit to the sex acts with men, until confronted with archives.

He then said that he thought he might be gay...but that he is NOT! Then he said that it was just easy sex (and he doesn't find himself very attractive and we live in a small town and there are very very few singles in our age group here) and that he just got horny...and men would chat him up in chat rooms, and he started looking and then just let them give him blowjobs...but nothing else.

And, then I showed him the anal sex archives and he said...it was just cybersex...and that you make it sound real. And without being graphic, I can tell you that some of the comments...I know it wasn't just cyber.

He finally admitted to it, but said after sex with me he feels complete and happy and clean (because society says it is right?) and after sex with men he felt empty and dirty.

I can buy him wondering if he was gay...but if he tried it and didn't like it...why on earth would he go back?

And, I almost bought the easy sex thing...(heck with squirt you put up a little looking for sex icon...and have men close by wanting it NOW) and I know that...I made a fake id and logged on and had more offers than I would have known what to do with. But, then I put an ad on a adult site and posed as a man...and had women (not as many) but still women who were looking for no strings sex.

But, even the easy sex thing doesn't hold water. He was doing it according to the archives right up until we married. And we had (what I thought was) great sex, several times a day.

I think so many issues are involved here (he attempted suicide at 18 because he thought he was "bad, perverted, twisted, just plain wrong" and he still suffers from bouts of depression. He also is not monogamous by nature. I found this out after our marriage too. He also is polyamorous...wants me to participate in 3somes, has a huge monster boob fetish, and masturbates to porn 3 or 4 times a day.

I asked why on earth he didn't tell me and let me be free to make MY own choices before we were married...if he loved me as much as he said and if I was his soulmate. And, he asked if I would have gone out with him then? Maybe not...but I deserved that choice!!!

And, yes if you can tell I am angry and hurt and miserable.

He then said he was done with the men thing and would give up on the swinging thing (that he had given up other dreams before...but he became very depressed and our lives became an awful thing).

That was all last year. I have not had anyone to talk to...I am the one shoved in a closet to deal with this alone. He won't talk, I am not allowed to...and I just don't know anything.

A few months ago he went on a business trip...and when the credit card statements came, I snooped again. He purchased a lap top out there...which I thought quite strange considering money has been so tight...and he purchased a new squirt membership. He swears he just looked, was just horny and didn't use it.

I don't believe him anymore and am so tired of being suspicious and on the alert at all times.

Is it possible that he is done with it like he says? It has been 4 months now with no sign of anything...but now he doesn't want sex with me either.

He cries when I talk about leaving him...or gets very angry when I question him and threatens to leave me...

I think he is in denial and needs to deal with this issue to be happy.

And, honestly I think I would rather have him say "i like men...i want to have sex with them" and get the lying and hiding out of the way...and try to move on from there.

I just want honesty and the man I married.

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Subject: My husband just told me he is gay or maybe bi


Author:
No name (Devastated)
[Edit]
Date Posted: 14:05:55 03/16/07 Fri
We have been married over 20 years, and have a 16 year old daughter together. We have recently moved from Chicago to Virginia. Last July, my husband started going to the beach to surf or kayak, he's a real outdoorsey kind of guy, he met a couple of men, who were gay, they seemed to have a lot in common. I found it strange, he would never talk much about them unless I asked specific questions. He started spending more & more weekends with them, which, at the time, I didn't mind, he works hard, he should have time to have also, but I eventually thought he was neglecting us as a family. Time went on. 5-6 weeks ago, out of the blue, he says he doesn't love me, doesn't want to be held accountable to anyone anymore, says there has always been something missing. Needless to say, I am devastated by this, can't believe this is happening. Last week I overdosed on some pills and after that, it comes out he announces he's gay. I had no idea. After a few days, I almost found a sense of peace, knowing this wasn't my fault, that I had no control over it. Last night, after talking to my husband, he says now he thinks he might be bi, as he does enjoy being with women, and then says he still loves me, said he told me he didn't love me anymore because he was afraid to tell me he was gay or bi.
This is tearing me apart inside. I found the alternatepath website and wanted to read how other people are handling this. I am so lost and hurt right now.
Thank you for listening.

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Subject: Announcing a Couples Gathering for 2007!


Author:
Trillian
[Edit]
Date Posted: 09:42:12 03/15/07 Thu
A Gathering of Couples in Mixed Orientation Marriages

Wilmington, Delaware July 13 – 15, 2007

Hosted by Frazer & Sandi Jones

We are pleased to invite opposite gender couples in mixed orientation marriages or relationships to join together for a weekend of bonding and companionship, the opportunity to learn more about ourselves and others in the world in which we find ourselves because of sexual orientation differences. Invitations to the Gathering are being sent to members of HOW, HUGS_COUPLES, Alternatepath, SSN and other support lists for mixed orientation couples.

Formally beginning with a social hour Friday afternoon, concluding with a brunch session on Sunday, we hope to have the opportunity to explore relationships and their continuance when differing interests develop. It is a chance to discover that we are not alone.

With the positive response we received to our initial announcement, we have booked room arrangements at the Holiday Inn Select, De 92 and I-95, Claymont, Delaware. We have had to guarantee 15 rooms to gain a base price of $99.00 a night. Reservations should be made directly through the Claymont location so that we may maintain our rate at 302-792-2700. Identity yourself as being with the HOW group to get the rate and give us credit.

If you have questions or need further information, Leave a message here, or email us at the email addy listed below.



Please complete and return the Information Form below so that we may determine commonalities, issues and a fun time in Delaware for all. Further details will be formed as we know numbers.


2007 MOM/MOR Gathering - July 13 - 15

COUPLE INFORMATION SHEET

Last Name/First
One Partner’s Name
Other Partner’s Name
Street Address
City
State/Province
Zip Code
Emergency and Phone Contact
Husband's Email
Wife's Email
Who Is TGO
Years Married
Years Outted
Lists/Groups Male belongs to
Lists/groups Female belongs to
Specific Topics You Would Like Discussed
If you arrive early or stay longer, places you might like to visit:
Historic Philadelphia
Longwood Gardens
Winterthur Museum
Brandywine River Museum (Wyeths)
Philadelphia Museum of Art
Franklin Institute
Historic New Castle
Delaware or New Jersey Beaches
Delaware Park - Horse Racing/Slots


Return to Frazer Jones, frazer.jones@gmail.com.


March 14, 2007

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Subject: Just as I suspected


Author:
confused (sad)
[Edit]
Date Posted: 07:02:36 03/09/07 Fri
I've been married to my soulmate for 9 years. We have one child. I should've seen this coming. When we first started dating I became concerned that he never wanted to engage in sex. I just thought, maybe he's waiting until after marriage. I commended him. On our honeymoon- same problem until the last morning before our return home, we finally consumated our marriage. We did not continue regular relations and I became hurt, and concerned. I began to wonder if it was me, or maybe he was having an affair or perhaps he was gay in denial (crazy idea I thought as I was grasping at straws). I confronted him and he denied any problem and reassured me that I was the only one and that he indeed was attracted to me. Things got a little better because he initiated sex for a change but it was very infrequent and he never ejaculated. Ever. One day, in conversation he confided in me that he was molested by his brother when he was very young. I thought this was it. Now I know why he has a problem in the bedroom. It all makes sense now. But he maintained that there was not a problem and refused to see a counsellor. In fact he became angry with me for recommending the idea. Over the years I decided I could live without sex. I love my husband that much. But we both wanted a child. We became pregnant via artificial insemination. We confided reluctantly to our Repro. Endocrinologist. He assisted us in our mission but strongly recommened for us to see a counsellor and perhaps a urologist as well. The turning point came when I noticed we had begun to receive pornographic catalogs for movies. Some catalogs were gay catalogs. He said that once you get on a mailing list they send all kinds of stuff and I believed him. Then we got a computer. One day while deleting files to preserve memory, I came accross a history and figuring there wouldn't be anything important in there, attempted to delete it. While in there, hoever I stumbled across a gay site something about twinks if memory serves. He said he went to a straight site and every time he closed a window another would "pop" up and he didn't know how to get out of it. I believed him again. But remained suspicous. Several more years went by. Then yesterday I was cleaning house on the computer again. This time I came accross a password for a site called "Squirt". I didn't know what it was. Out of curiousity, I went to the site and was able to get in because our computer saved the password and login information from last time it was open. I saw that it was a gay hookup site. I looked for my husbands user id and saw his profile. It said he was a bi male and described his privates. I felt sick to my stomach. I called him in the room. He nervously chuckled and said "Oh that's nothing" I was just curious and I heard about it on the radio and I wanted to see what it was. I also pointed out some flirtatious messages and an invitation to meet at a local health club for some sexual exchanges. He wrote some words I was unfamiliar with. I learned that they were descriptions of sexual acts. He denied any wrong doing. He promised he never pursued this and swore it was just for fun. I feel so betrayed. I feel like I can't trust him. I love him so much. I managed to get him to agree to see a marriage consellor with me and I am going to make an appointment as soon as possible. I found this site for support and was amazed to hear so many stories like mine. I am so torn. I don't know what to do. He swears he's through with all that. He went on the computer when I wasn't home and deleted the id and passwords for Squirt. But the account still exists. What he doesn't know is that I managed to retrieve a forgotten password from the site to continue to investegate his activity. I feel like I am violating his privacy but I feel I need to in order to find out what he's not telling me. He says he loves me. He's sorry he hurt me. He wants this marriage to work. How could I have been so blind? I don't know what to do about this apart from seeing a counsellor. I feel like I am living a bad dream and I will never wake up from it. I wonder if maybe I had made more of an effort to make myself look nice for him, maybe I could have prevented this. Maybe I should have pushed the sex more. He swears to me he has never had a physical experience with anyone. He says too many diseases out there. That wasn't exactly the reason I wanted to hear. I'm so confused. Anyone out there know what I am going through. I needed a channel to vent and receive feedback. Please write. I could really benefit from having support right now. Though I cannot tell my story to family or friends of ours for obvious reasons. Thank you for listening.

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Subject: Is he Gay/bi/or straight?


Author:
tryingtotrust
[Edit]
Date Posted: 16:35:36 07/26/06 Wed
I know this website is geared toward married women, but I thought I could use some advice from you ladies so I hope you don't mind my post.

I just recently learned that my boyfriend of 5 months has had two isolated sexual experiences with the same man about a year ago. I know the other man, as I had met them both at the same time about 9 months ago. Other than this relationship he has only ever been in a relationship with women.

My boyfriend swears that he is straight, and defends himself by saying that sexual exploration with someone of the same sex does NOT make you gay or bisexual...but I don't understand this. How can you get aroused by both sexes if you are NOT bisexual? Is this denial?

He says he gave it an honest try because he truly had a deep connection with this friend, but realized that this type of sex was something he did not enjoy. He tells me he needs a woman by his side, not a man and he has never been aroused at the thought of a man. I believe him based on the fact that he did not have to tell me any of this in the first place, but he is such an honest person that it was eating at him and he wanted to be open with me. I know he wants a wife and a family, but I don't want to find out 20 years down the road after all of this that he prefers men. I don't want to be left in the dust.

So now I ask you ladies as you look back on your lives, would you have bailed on the relationship if you had found out in the very beginning? Should I look for something more traditional, or do you think my own insecurities are causing me not to trust him, considering he has never given me a reason not to?

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Subject: How do you make this work?


Author:
DeDe
[Edit]
Date Posted: 20:11:00 12/25/06 Mon
Hi, I've been married for over 7 years now to a wonderful husband. We have 2 children together. I first found his websites of gay porn after we had been together for about a year. We then had our first talk when I confronted him. I think at the time he was still confused himself. He just said it was differ and that it was nothing he was very attracted to woman. Well years later I found the sites again on the history. So now I confronted him again. I think our talk led him to be more confused or either wanting to find out for sure of his sexuality because I started finding where he began to question his sexuality. So the I had another serious talk with him. I told I loved him and I just wanted him to be honest with me about all of it that it just couldn't be phase. Then he tells me that he almost has sex with another man after about 2 years into our marriage because he wanted to see if his feelings were real. He told me the man didn't let him because he knew my husband was still unsure. He has now also told me that he likes to dress in my undergarments and makeup. I know this has been hard for him to admit and I wanna be more supportive but I feel like my heart has been torn apart. He has been the best husband, father, and friend. He know tells me he wishes he had not told me becasue he scared he will loose me. He says he loves me and couldn't imagene life without me. He also says that he loves having sex with me and is attrated to me. He also looks at other woman and I can tell his attracted to them. He says our family is more important to him and wants us to stay together. I'm so scared that this will work for awhile but his feelings and fantasies will overcome it and his urges will grow stronger. I don't know how to feel really I don't if I want to touch me or not. I feel like I've maaried someone that I really didn't know. Can anyone give me any advise of how to deal with this situation I'm so torn.

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Subject: he's on his way home...


Author:
mela (anxious)
[Edit]
Date Posted: 14:01:19 10/17/06 Tue
and i will smile, and hug him, and pretend that i don't know. does anyone else here do this? does it seem like it's killing you to?

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Subject: world is upside down


Author:
No name
[Edit]
Date Posted: 19:07:26 09/10/06 Sun
I've been married for 29 yrs and found out my husband that I loved with all my heart tells me hes gay and although he loves me and enjoys having sex with me, he wants a buddy that he can talk with to start out then maybe develop into a sexual relationship. I need help in dealing with this. How does someone cope with their world turning upside down.

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Subject: GAY HUSBAND (HE THINKS)


Author:
No name
[Edit]
Date Posted: 13:12:57 06/29/06 Thu
I JUST FOUND OUT THAT MY HUSBAND OF 17 YEARS THINKS HE IS GAY. WE HAVE 3 CHILDREN AND I THOUGHT A GOOD MARRIAGE. HE WAS MOVING TO ANOTHER CITY TO WORK 4 DAYS A WEEK AND I FOUND OUT THE DAY AFTER HE LEFT. I THINK HE WANTED ME TO FIND OUT. HE SAID HE WAS GOING TO TELL ME WHEN HE WAS SURE. HE HAS HAD 6 ENCOUNTERS WITH 4 DIFFERENT MEN AND SAID HE STILL DOES NOT KNOW. I HAVE BEEN TO A COUNSELER AND WE HAVE DECIDED TO SEPERATE BUT NOT DIVORCE. I LOVE MY HUSBAND BUT DO NOT KNOW IF I CAN LIVE LIKE THIS. WHAT HAS THE EXPERIENCE OF OTHERS BEEN WHEN FACED WITH THIS?
DO THE HUSBANDS USUSALLY TURN OUT TO BE GAY OR CONFUSED. HE JUST TURNED 40 AND LOST 60 POUNDS. I ASKED HIM TO GO TO A COUNSELER AND A PHYSICIAN.

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Subject: Hello group


Author:
J
[Edit]
Date Posted: 14:02:23 05/09/06 Tue
Hello group,

I am so glad to have been given the info for this group.
I have been in a relationship with a man for a little over a year. I have no doubt that he loves me and I love him. He told me a while ago that he is bi-curious and I am good with that. We are also swingers, prior to this relationship, as singles and with other couples since this relationship. The agreement we have is to only swing as a couple.
I have since found out that he has joined gay male online "hookup" sites and was corresponding with men and that the talking they were doing looked like he was seriously trying to meet up with a few different guys. He told me the first time I found the sites that he had no intentions of meeting any of these men, it was all just teasing and talking. I found out he signed up with another service within the past 2 weeks and he agains says he has no intention of hooking up with anyone. He said he was bored and it was stupid.
I feel betrayed. Part of me wants to believe him. Part of me is angry that he is not sticking to the agreement he insisted on. I want him to be open with me about this but I don't trust that he is being open with me. I am afraid to continue because I fear that he may really be gay and be using me as a front. Or he may figure out futher down the line that he prefers men sexually.
I am trying to figure all this out. I would hate to not have him in my life but I can't live in fear and distrust either.
Has anyone else been in this situation? How did you handle it?

Thank you.

Jeanette

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Subject: MY GAY HUSBAND


Author:
Debra (sad)
[Edit]
Date Posted: 07:06:51 07/15/06 Sat
Hello, I see there are a few others where their marriage was in the 17th year. Well where to start? It has been about a year since I found out that my husband was gay( hopeing bi). I don't understand this and not sure I want to. I love my husband more than life its self, I want to stay married but don't know how to deal with this. How can someone be married and in a relationship and at the same time want to be with another guy. We have stopped being sexual together for about 4 years now. We still act married to friends and family but are we? He has a boy friend of 4 years who also lives with us(very hard) I have my room and they have theirs.(hate that) but he seems happy. The boyfriend and I hate one another and this causes conflicks between all of us. I don't want a divorce or to be seperated from my husband. I think being gay is wrong and I don't understand this life style. Our child is grown and we have grandchildern. My husband is a good man and father and grandfather he is just lacking in the marriage. How do I keep him and stay married and be happy at the same time? how do I deal with him and his boyfriend while still wanting our marriage? How do i understand how he feels about his boyfriend when I still love him and want him? Befor anyone says prof. seek help we have done that and it did not work. Can anyone help???

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Replies:
Subject: help


Author:
No name
[Edit]
Date Posted: 18:43:03 06/04/06 Sun
Two weeks ago my husband that I just married 10 months ago told me he was gay and wants to leave me. I love him very much and don't want this. I knew he was bi when we got married and thought that wousl be cool. I have been with woman and did not see a problem with that. Now he wants out of the relationship. Is that the way it has to be? right now tonight he is in NY city with some guy he met on the internet. (he said he just wanted to meet him since he helped him so much as he came out to all his family and friends work people these last two seeks. I am lost. How else can it work? any experience you can share woudl be really helpful.

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Replies:
Subject: first look


Author:
Cathy
[Edit]
Date Posted: 10:45:53 05/08/06 Mon
This is my first look at this site.
I like it!!!! Like the format....like how you made it look Trill.
********************
My name is Cathy
Married 20yrs.
In an open marriage with my wonderful hubby Larry.
Have an 11yr old daughter.
Live in Metro-Atlanta area

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Replies:
Subject: first look


Author:
Angel KD
[Edit]
Date Posted: 05:55:34 05/08/06 Mon
This is my first look at the site - I hope that this will be a safe place in a not safe world. Let me get something started here.

I am the straight wife of a gay man. We have been together over 20 years and married most of that. When he came out - I forced him out - to me in July 2005 I didn't think we could weather the storm of emotions we were feeling. He was relieved and happy and I was confused and angry. Let see, there was relief on my part - now I knew what was happening between us, and he was afraid he would be left alone.

We still get squalls off of that storm - but have learned that to work like the dickens and in a few days we'll be in a better place. Faith and unconditioanl love are our tools.

AngelKD

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Replies:
Subject: New Subject..


Author:
trill
[Edit]
Date Posted: 04:16:12 05/08/06 Mon
Ok... got some bugs worked out. I still need to dig into coding more to figure out how to put our logo at the top.

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Subject: This is the first message in our new forum.


Author:
Trill
[Edit]
Date Posted: 11:03:07 05/07/06 Sun
I just want something to appear when someone comes here. This message board is created to talk openly about issues that are on your mind concerning mixed orientation marriages. No flaming allowed here! All harrasing or gay bashing types of posts will be removed. The goal of this site is to offer assistance to remain in ones relationship with a gay/bisexual/lesbian person. We promote healing and understanding and growth. That does not always mean that the couple stays together, sometimes our path takes us different ways.
hugs
trill

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