Create a New Forum Owner Login Contribute & Create Your Member account VoyUser Login (see contribute) VoyForums Directory/Categories No-ads: Completely remove ads from your forum VoyForums Homepage VoyForums News Help Desk VoyForums Exchange FAQ - Frequently Asked Questions Search VoyForums
Oklahoma Disaster Relief American Red Cross Together, we can save a life See Kare11.com's page for more ways to contribute. VoyForums Notice -- Quick Contributions: Donate $10 to the Red Cross: Text the word REDCROSS to 90999 Donate $10 to the Salvation Army: Text the word STORM to 80888 * The charge will appear on your cellphone bill.

[ VoyUser Login optional ] [ Contact Forum Admin ] [ Main index ] [ Post a new message ] [ Search | Check update time | Archives: [1] ]

Subject: waiting for group approval, but need help, support, advice Author: No name [ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ] Date Posted: 20:49:08 06/20/07 Wed I am copying and pasting my information from the yahoo!group questionnaire... Three months after I married, I found out that the man i married had been having sex with another man for the past several months. He has also shown romantic/physical interest in a married woman (with children) that he works with. He apologized, saying that he is a disaster to me and his family and that he loved me but that he is "crazy inside" and that he was happy for a while but started getting on the Internet and became obsessed with "experimenting" with men. He described the man he had sex with as a "brother figure". In the last week he has acknowledged being attracted to men and women both for as long as he could remember. When he was in his late teens - early 20's he was involved in an abusive and violent relationship with a priest who was more than 10 years older than him. The relationship lasted several years - during which period he also had a girlfriend who he was sexually involved with and became engaged to. He broke up with her under pressure from the priest and eventually left the state altogether to get away from the priest. He often describes the men in his life as "father figures" or "brother figures". He has quit his jobs, spent all night on the phone or Internet with people he has never met. Few of them are women, most are men. He lied to me about everything, and he didn't always use protection. He also cheated on me with at least one woman (just found out about a second woman two days ago). For two months after he disclosed the cheating on me he isolated himself, saying he didn't need help that if he worked 15 hours a day and didnt't get on the Internet, everything would be fine. For weeks he acted like he hated me and he no longer wanted me in his life. He told me he wanted a divorce and said he never loved me and and was never attracted to me. He says he married me only because I wanted it. I was an emotional wreck - feeling victimized and scared. The man he was having sex with is...was a family friend who, after my husband told him he wanted out of the relationship, threatened to tell everyone about them and eventually telling the married woman that my husband was also pursuing. Over the past few months though - things have changed - now he wants to stay married but not to live with me - and for us to be friends. He says he is more attracted to men than to women. He recently had a one-night stand with a woman, but he acknowledged that he partly did it because he wanted to see if he was still attracted to women and still interested in sex with women. He fantasizes about having an idyllic life with a man - eventually living with him, but as he is under a lot of pressure right now - I'm not sure how much of it is based in fantasy - also his words are the replica of the words he used with me - wanting the same things. He is victimized in his relationships with men, yet he victimizes the women he has relationships with. I am miserable, constantly sad, irritated with him, confused by all the lies that he told me, lonely, mistrusting of EVERY man, and unable to let go. I told him that as long as he seeks therapy, I will remain married to him - he says he will think about it. I suppose if I have a question it would be this - in anyone's opinion - I suspect he has a sex/love/relationship addiction on top of everything else. His brother has a gambling addiction, and his parent's marriage doesn't sound very healthy (but I don't know about any addictions). If he dealt with the addiction part of his problems - how much would that help the rest of his behavior? I hate having to accept his bisexuality because I think he is gay, not bisexual. He insists he is bisexual because, he says, he gets erections from women and he is attracted to women. But most of his attraction to women is based on getting a woman pregnant and having a son. We tried for a baby, but I miscarried. He denied me having a miscarriage, accusing me of lying and then saying it was my fault because I wasn't healthy enough. I need any advice or support anyone can give me. [ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]

Replies:

[> Subject: Re: waiting for group approval, but need help, support, advice Author: No name [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 21:43:18 06/20/07 Wed I am posting a reply to my own posting here - because I need to clarify or explain something - but it's mostly just a thought process. When I spoke with him yesterday - this is when most of his urges to be with a man were voiced. However, I am wondering if I caught him in an "acting out" period. He showed no interest or concern with my life - and when I mentioned a male bisexual friend, he became curious and a little demanding - wanting to know who he was and why hadn't he heard about him before (even though I had told him abotu him over and over before). I mentioned having to go to the doctor to get an HIV test, and he showed no emotion - he is clearly in some kind of self-involved phase. For the past two months, since all of this was exposed, he had been working very hard, running every morning, staying away from the Internet, not talking as much with "friends". However, in the past couple of weeks, he's had a family issue occur that has caused him a great amount of personal stress. Instead of coming to me - he chose to keep it to himself, only coming to me to borrow money. He is truthful about one thing abotu himself - when he get's depressed or frustrated, he becomes self-destructive - in the past it was the Internet, it was meeting the man who eventually led to his exposure, and most recently, it was the woman he picked up at the bar and had a one-night stand with. I voiced my irritation with him, asking him why he couldn't have called me up instead. He replied, with all honesty, that he didn't know why he won't call me - but that he knows that he doesn't. He did mention something about me knowing all about him (his bisexual behavior) as being an issue of discomfort with him - even though I know all about him and still have strong feelings of love for him. I guess I don't know whether he hates me because of how I feel or whether he truly doesn't have any interest in me anymore - choosing far more attractive and younger women to be with instead, while choosing older men to be with.

[> Subject: Re: waiting for group approval, but need help, support, advice Author: Trill [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 05:30:46 06/22/07 Fri Hello You know, I am a believer that MOM's can and do work for some couples, however each individual must decide what is best for themselves. If a relationship is unhealthy then it really dos'nt matter if it is a mixed-orientation one or gay-gay, str8-str8... the nature of the relationship must change in order for the couple to be happy. Why waste your years in a relationship that is damaged beyond repair?? And who is to say what relationship is beyond repair? YOU are. Not I. Not your family... You must examine your life with your husband and decide if it is worthy of salvaging or if it makes more sense to leave it. For myself, it was hard to answer this question of if my marriage was salvageable or not. My family sure did not think it worthy of my time and effort, even though they all loved my husband. They looked at the fact that he cheated on me, and that it was with men, and thats as far as they looked. All those years they spent admiring my choice in husbands seemed to get swept away by that one phone call telling them what I had discovered. But I did look deeper. I saw all those prior years of happiness and joy, and I saw the worth of this man I chose to be my husband. To me it was worth the effort to work through the issues and sort through the damage and make changes so that I could have a healthy. happy marriage. And I am pleased with my choices. Not just because I made them so I had to be, but because I can see how much better my life is now that my husband is not hiding such a huge part of who he is. I will not pass judgment on your relationship hon... I will only say that you have listed some areas that are cause for concern. What you do now is up to you, but I would highly recommend you take into consideration your future, your health and your happiness along with your own knowledge of whom you chose to marry. Then make your choice.. if you stay, I hope you will both seek counseling and work out some improvements as needed for your own happiness as well as his. If you leave, I hope you will find peace in that. The choice remains yours to make. hugs trill