Dr Doolittle's pushme pullyou
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Date Posted: 07:10:47 12/17/09 Thu
Where do I start? I am male, married, have no kids,always known I had gay tendencies. I have never been with a guy but have always fantacized about it. If I am to be brutally honest with the world, I'd have to admit that I'd prefer to be with a man that with my wife. Why did I choose to get married? As the years go by, my reasons seem to change. In the beginning, idealistically I was in love, I wanted to be with her, it honestly seemed to be the most natural thing to do. To be blunt, I had no control over the primordial heterosexual urge to find a mate, settle down and start a family. Again, this has not changed. In fact, I want kids more than ever, I love my wife, she is my world. It's a normal marriage in most respects.
I suspects she knows. I have been teased all my life, people have had suspicions, I don't embody the quintessence of masculinity and I have some unmistakable gay attributes. I often wonder if my voice will ever crack.....
I used to think that I could control the gay desires or at least keep them latent as I have never been with a guy. But as time passes, the void seems to get bigger. There is, for me, an emotional connection with a man, that I think my wife will never be able to have with me. Maybe this requires some delving into my early childhood. When it mattered most, during those early impressionable years, I was rejected by my father-my earliest memories. Maybe it was because he saw me as a weak male, natural selection. He however, showered by elder brother of 13 months with loads of affection and I noticed it very well. This brother grew to be a typical guy. But he also bullied me all my life, calling me the most horrible names and even at times, made his friends ridicule me. So from an early age, I had no strong male role model, no positive father figure, wasn't allowed to be a guy with the rest of the guys, was excluded from the pack. I don't care what people say about sexuality. A big part of it has to do with nurture, when I was supposed to be nurtured as a male, I was embraced by my mother, being a last child while also being rejected by my father. Feeling quite isolated, I being introspective. I did not open up to people, maybe just older female adults. I became closer to girls and sometimes felt either genderless or like one of them.
As the years passed and I approached adulthood, I started to visit a priest for confession which turned out to be more of counselling than anything else. The first thing he told me was that it would do me a whole heap of good if I let go of the animosity I carried for my father and to make an effort at a relationship. I visited the priest for a year and during that year, my relationship with my father blossomed. My father also admitted that I also rejected him as a child. While we didn't become best friends, because my father is a bit of a loser, I noticed that something started to emerge from within. I was becoming a more confident male, better able to be in the company of guys, I was happier, I felt more like a man. It was like topping up your tank with gas, it was needed all along.
For me as well, not engaging in any type of sexual activity before marriage, was attributable to my Catholic upbringing. While I have always been religious and tried to do what was morally upright, I admit to also feeling quite close to God. I think this was due to my sad childhood and thankfully I channelled my sorrows into forging a relationship with God than with drugs or even attempting suicide. I recently admitted to my mom, after a spate of homophobic bullying in the office, that I had bottled up all of these emotions and have never really shared the awful experiences I had all my life, re: my lack of manliness. She was devastated and cried for days as she felt that she had not observed any emotional disequilibrium with me at any stage. I was also a top student, very focused,passionate about life, etc. I guess I hid it well or channelled it into positive stuff. But I suffered without ever considering myself a victim.
As I said, the reasons seem to change from time to time. I do love my wife and can never envisage divorce. I am in the marriage for the long haul as this is my understanding of marriage. It is a commitment that I have made and I hold that commitment very dear. I want kids and I want to make my wife happy, I do not know if I can express how intense and profound the love I have for her is. It is genuine. We have learnt each other's ways and we fit like nut and bolt.
Notwithstanding the stable committed marriage, there are issues in our marriage and in my wife's personality that irk me and push me away. With that said, my gay urges seem to become stronger when we are emotionally distant. In many respects, sometimes I think the gender roles in our relationship have been swapped. I am the emotionally nurturing one, I run after my wife who is the most sluggish and laziest person I know. I pick up after her, do the cooking, organize the finances, etc. Let's just say all she does is work. When she comes home, I would have already cooked, laundry is done, house is clean, and I work and study as well. She acts like a jock, come home, drop her stuff around, plonk herself in front of the tv for hours, refuses to help me if I ask her, especially in the kitchen. This selfishness pushes me away, because the least I should expect is a little reciprocity.
Emotionally, she is disconnected. In fact, sometimes I think we live in different worlds and for us to be on the same wavelength I need to constantly repeat myself and remind her of conversations we had recently, which she never remembers because she makes these statements that make me realize that she wasn't paying attention (I sound like the woman, lol). I left my old job recently because it was unbearable for many reasons and while in the beginning she supported me and I thoroughly and continuously explained how difficult it was, the bullying, insecure bosses, the commute etc, last week, she dropped a bomb on me that I quit because I cannot be managed by people who are less qualified than me. Now she said that I told her it was my primary reason for telling leaving. Now I started to wonder if I had spoken to the same person as I had never said such a thing and I often feel that she really doesn't have a clue as to whom I am. Also, in many ways, married couples are supposed to move in the same direction, emotionally supporting each other and that kind of thing. My wife contradicts me in many many ways and she also cuts me down. If ever I share an experience with her, she takes the devil's advocate role and almost 100% of the times, she tells me that maybe it was my fault, sometimes when blatantly it wasn't. This too pushes me away because I question how she sees me as many times the antagonism isn't what I want in a marriage.
Now let's talk a little bit about sex. Not having any prior sexual experience before marriage and having met a woman in the same boat, I thought it would have been the ideal journey of discovery for us both. The first year was great, we tried loads of things. Then she started to put absolutely no effort into sex. She refused to try new positions, it has always been on her terms. Sex is the most excruciatingly boring activity for me. And to be fair to myself, I think I could be satisfied sexually if she made just a little more effort rather than lying there like a brick, pressuring me into making her climax, that is if I have an orgasm, she must have one too. It always has to be on her terms. Now I do admit that sometimes she initiates sex and because of events during the day or her general attitude, I am more than likely turned off (another gender swap- but men get turned off too, women just don't realize it).
So all in all, I am who I am. I will try my best never to cheat on her, but as far as the emotional connection goes, it doesn't seem likely. I think, and I can only speak from experience, that if a man like me can be made to like more what is at home, whether gay straight or bi, he would rush home all the time.
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