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Date Posted: 09:12:03 12/03/12 Mon
I did not understand everything you wrote in your reply message. I hope if you will forgive me if I quote your message and add my understanding before answering. I hope you will clarify matters if I have misunderstood.
>my son is 14, I am a single parent mother.
>Up to now I have given my son always to house arrest when he was disobedient.
Was he disobedient in the recently? Was it something minor or very major, or continual minor conflict between you and him? Has he been under 'house arrest' a lot?
How does he feel about the situation and the way you discipline him?
>I do myself with him spanking as discipline hard.
I am not sure what you mean
>Should I come at the proposal of my son really?
I certainly would accept your sons proposal to spank him when he is disobedient.
I don't have any objection to spanking teens, provided it done right and done by loving parents. I was spanked by my parents until I left home. I have four teen children. They all get spanked. However, (in great part because they get spanked), they don't need to be spanked be often. My eldest has only been spanked once in the last three years, and on that occasion she came to me, confessed what she had done (which was serious and certainly deserved a spanking) and asked to be spanked long and hard (which I did).
My younger children get spanked a few times a year.
Please keep in mind that if you spank teens, you need to spank hard. If you give a two year old 2 or three swats, that is a real spanking for a two year old. For a 14 year old boy, you will need to use a serious implement, you will need to spank hard and you will need a large number of swats if you are to deliver a real spanking. Otherwise quite frankly your a wasting your time.
eg - I know of one mother who after deciding to spank her teen son (partly at his suggestion) tried the paddle, belt, cane and slipper on him because the early attempts didn't really hurt. (I was somewhat surprised by the account because they sounded like rather serious implements. I can only imagine that she didn't know how to use them.) My point this this, if you are spanking for the first time, if you underestimate how hard you need to hit, how many swats you will need, try spanking over jeans, or don't get a suitable implement, both you and your son will be frustrated and the exercise a bit pointless.
I don't usually ground my kids (house arrest). I have a few times offered a choice between a spanking and grounding. However my children usually chose the spanking. As my son said "it hurts like hell, but at least it is over quickly". I can also recall a few times spanking and grounding. Usually this was for more serious offenses. Offenses to minor for a spanking earned demerits. 10 demerits earned a spanking.
My main reason for rarely grounding is that a spanking usually improves my relationship with my kids. If I ground them then there is a long period in which they are being punished, and that effects our relationship negatively. The other reason is that a very long grounding denies my kids many good things I want to give them / for them to enjoy and grow in, while still not being a serious enough penalty for a serious offense.
>If he has done sometimes something next, then I should say I accept your proposal and now spanking you?
*Sit down with your son and make a list of how you would like things to work in your household. How you would like to relate to him. What chores need to be done. What he needs to do at school and in other relationships. etc The list should include both your ultimate goals for the family (and primarily for him) and practically what that would look like.
*Ask him how he feels about your goals for the family and what he would like to add or change.
*Make a list of behavior that is unacceptable. If possible discuss how your prohibitions are related to your goals for him and for your family. (Goals which hopefully he shares)
*Ask him how he feels about the list, and again get his feedback.
*Ask what he feels would be just penalties for the things on the list. Let him know that spanking is one of the ways you are willing to discipline him when he is disobedient.
*As you make the final discussion about discipline, let him know if you accept his suggestion or otherwise what penalties he should expect.
*Ask about ways in which you can help and encourage him, in helping him to grow into a good, godly, competent adult, and prepare him for his future roles in the workforce and as a husband and a father.
Some parents of teen have made written agreements with them detailing the types of things listed above. Your teen is changing, his relationship with you is changing, the world in which he lives is changing. Whether you write stuff down or not, you need to provide him with clear boundaries in his life, with clarity about how thing will run in your household, with your love, support and discipline.
>What do I make, if to itself my son against the spanking worth?
I am not sure what you mean.
If in the future your son does not want spanking, you decide if it was best for your son to continue spanking him or not. I know of a number of children and teens who have asked their parents to spank them. In one case the teen found the spanking very painful, and asked his parents to stop. They realized that the spanking was enormously effective and told him that spankings would continue whether he wanted them or not.
>Should I stop if he starts to cry with the beating?
No don't stop, if has done something serious, you shouldn't stop until long after he has started crying. Even a relatively minor spanking should at least bring tears to his eyes. If not yelps and cries. I severe spanking should always leaving him crying and sobbing for some time. When I last spanked my eldest she howled and howled like a baby while I spanked her, and continued crying long afterwards as I hugged her and held her gently in my arms. And she was a few years older that your boy and not one to cry easily.
Be aware that crying has to do not only with the total amount of pain, but with the intensity. A caning for instances delivers a great deal of pain, but it is spread out by a long wait between the strokes. I was only ever caned once and I have never caned my children. By I can still remember my one and only caning years and years later. However I didn't cry, because there was a good three seconds between the strokes to brace myself. My mother was a slight woman. But she could reduce me to tears in 10 seconds flat with the bathbrush, because she applied 3 strokes per second on my bare behind.
You should also be aware that you will need to hold him in place while you spank him. I suggest you give him a choice of the two positions I mentioned in my last post. (1) over one knee+bed, legs and arm locked or (2) diaper position with arms & legs locked.
>To what must I respect everything?
I don't know what you mean. Do you mean how should he be dressed? I spank my children usually wearing a groin protector, or bare from the waist down. However it is a cultural thing. If you would never see your son's bottom, not even for medical reasons then you shouldn't spank him on the bare. Don't shame or humiliate your children when you spank them. (By that I mean don't do anything for the purpose of shaming them. All children are embarrassed about being in trouble or being punished) This includes how you talk to them.
I would recommend that you give your son a choice about the state of dress he is in when you spank
1) bare from the waist down
2) wearing a jockstrap / groin protector (ps it is best if this does not cover the bottom. Tuck the straps between the butt cheeks
3)wearing underwear (not boxers) pulled between his butt cheeks (like a g-string)
4) wearing underwear or light pajamas.
Warn him that if he choices number 4), then you will have to spank him harder (as the bottom will be protected by a thin layer of cloth) and you will not be able to see if his bottom is being bruised.
Do you mean how hard to spank?
There are two key principles
1) What is best for you son. ie what will be the maximum benefit.
2) What is just. What is a fair punishment? What damage does what he has done cause (ie make the punishment comparable to the damage and hurt to others). If your son really wanted to do the thing he was forbidden, what penalty would be needed for him to conclude it wasn't worth it?
Now the two principles are actually closely connected. What is best for you son (1) is almost always to teach him justice (ie 2). This teaches him the seriousness of what he has done wrong.
What to spank with?
I use a bathbrush. Is strong (not going to break) it has a long handle and a smooth wooden back to spank with.
If you don't have or can't buy a bathbrush, try a wooden hairbrush (don't bother with plastic, make sure the back is smooth and flat)
There are a variety of other things that serve as small wooden paddles. Large wooden spoons or shoehorns or ping pong paddles for instance.
Straps and belts can also be used.
Whatever you get, try it out on yourself first. If you can not get someone to give you a dozen good swats on your own bottom, then try the implement out on your inner thigh.
I suggest you give yourself 10 good swats and then wait a minute. If the pain passes away too quickly you may need to find something more painful. If it leaves ugly welts or serious bruises you will need to find something that does not inflict so much damage.
I hope that is helpful. I can provide you some actual accounts of teens who asked to be spanked by their parents. Many of whom believe that it was a very good thing for them. My own children have never had the need (or the choice). However I have trained them to confess any serious offense to me. I would say that more than half of the spankings I have given in the last two or three years have been because one of my children has confess disobedience and asked to be spanked.
Teens need both discipline and freedom. I try to give them a great deal of freedom (well, I think it is a great deal of freedom - certainly much more than when they were younger), but also boundaries. The boundaries might be much wider than they were when they were younger, but the penalties for crossing those boundaries are much more severe.
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