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Date Posted: 20:34:40 03/31/07 Sat
Author: manette
Subject: This may sound a little harsh, but while I agree that justice got turned upside down and sideways to an extent in this case, I don't think it's the victim's job to let the man off the hook because he's remorseful. What if it was a murder he was remorseful for? What if he had turned his life around? Would the victim's family still be entitled to justice?
In reply to: highplainswoman 's message, "Latest episode--for discussion's sake (inside)" on 06:37:45 03/31/07 Sat

It sucks that the second man wasn't convicted, but I don't feel too bad for the one that had to serve four years. Yes, he was sorry, Yes, he was turning his life around, but taking responsibility means stepping up with the truth and letting the chips fall where they may,. even when there is a steep price to pay. That's not something the victim has to apologize for. It's not her job to let him off the hook and I can't bring myself to judge her for not being able to do that. She was raped. She lived with it for a long time..and the four years he serves may actually give them the closure they both need to call the debt paid. It's sad that his wife and children will suffer too, but I don't think the deal he made was a complete waste.

The other man was publicly tried for date rape and I can't help but think that will affect the way his friends and loved ones-- the whole community-- relates to him. Other women could come forward, or as Annabeth said, he will trip up again and this will make it easier to convict him. His live won't be the same and that is also a direct result of the first man doing the right thing.

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Replies:

[> [> Yeah... I think it's hard to tell... (inside) -- Gibs, 22:24:00 03/31/07 Sat [1]

... we really didn't get to know any of these characters in any depth, but personally, I think there is a huge difference between a rapist who goes out and preys on women sexually on a regular basis, and a young student, drunk at a party who makes one very bad decision due to peer pressure when he was admittedly very, very drunk, and who immediately felt remorseful. I don't think those two people should be treated the same from a legal standpoint at all. I mean, yes - it had the same result for the victim - but I'd like to think that if I was the victim, I would be able to see the difference between these two people and have some sort of perspective on what led to the actions, rather than simply black and white. I also think it's possible his internal turmoil for committing this for the last 11 years goes along way, punishment wise already. He seemed like the kind of man who has punished himself alot over the last little while - possibly it was the reason he became an alcoholic in the first place - maybe he couldn't face what he had done and turned to alcohol - we don't really know I guess.
The other day I saw an interview with a lady who had been sexually abused most of her childhood by her father and a family friend. You'd think that she would be a mess psychologically, but she was actually writing a book about helping victims of sexual assault learn to enjoy sex again and not be overcome by what had happened to them. Isn't that amazing? She said "We have to be greater than the sum of what happened to us" (or something like that). I thought that was a very good line and applies to life in alot of situations. You can't dwell forever on what has happened to you, whatever that may be. At some point you have to accept that it happened, it might completely suck, but you can't change it, and you have to get on with your life. Only you can do that and the fate of your abuser shouldn't have any bearing on whether you do it or not - it's your own personal acceptance or non-acceptance.
I guess I'm just trying to say that it didn't seem like she had really gotten past what happened yet, and I didn't really get the impression that going through that trial was the answer she was looking for. I don't know, like I said, it's hard to tell with the brief look at the characters that we got. Anyway, definitely a thought provoking subject, isn't it? Lots of different ways to look at what we saw - no real 'right' answer on this one I think.

[Edit]
[> [> [> Hey Gib--I think the problem for the victim was..inside -- manette, 13:39:11 04/01/07 Sun [1]

She'd coped with it for all those years by pushing it down, not dealing with it, and his letter ripped the protective mechanisms she'd put in place away and so for her it was raw and fresh all over again. Maybe pressing charges didn't give her the vindication she was needing, but I still don't think that's something anyone can decide for her.

I agree that living in a victim mentality is self defeating and unempowering, but getting beyond that for her would have had to start all over again once she received the letter. The guy had been living with his remorse for eleven years. She'd been living with his remorse for a few months and it must have brought all the anger she'd originally felt back to the surface. In the big picture it may be sad that she couldn't forgive him and move on, but forgiveness is a gift not something he was entitled to because he felt bad. I think feeling bad has become a substitute for facing consequences. And one doesn't cancel out the other.

[Edit]

[> [> [> [> I'm just throwing this in and not responding to anyone in particular, so...Knowing several women who have been raped and some of the things they have dealt with their entire life...Its my opinion that the victims suffering would be greater than the rapist's remorse. Just my opinion though since I only have one side of the perspective. -- sj, 22:32:12 04/01/07 Sun [1]


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