Clarity vs. Confusion -- Schick Happens

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Date Posted: 10:45:21 03/10/08 Mon
Author: Nanette
Subject: Clarity vs. Confusion

Not too long ago, last week or the week before, on a very clear, bright, happy, sunny, even semi-warm day, I was out and about in my car listening to a radio program where either a short program or commercial (doesn't really matter) came on that made me think of suicide.

On 2 separate occasions, quite a number of years between incidents, I attempted suicide. On both occasions I was drinking heavily and at a point where I felt like I couldn't stop drinking and so my life wasn't worth much, etc. In hindsight they were half-hearted attempts, because if I really wanted to do it, I would have made it a permanent situation. I suspect the half-hearted attempts were because deep down there was a part of me that really did believe life was worth living. In the past year and a half, or maybe longer now, since I graduated from SSH, I have accomplished so much, and changed so much, it's hard for me to believe I would have even thought about attempting suicide.

While drinking, of course,even though I suspected there was a lot out there that I could be doing to make my life really worth my while, my head was too clouded with churning, flip-flop, manic emotions caused by the alcohol, to the point that I was just so "confuzzed" as to what those things were... let alone how to go about understanding what those things were, and then how to get there.

It was a matter of clarity. While I was drinking, most of the time, I really thought I would never be able to figure it out, that there wasn't even a way to. I was so "inhibited" by the alcohol. And actually, before I went to SSH, and was trying to quit drinking on my own, because of the cravings, it was the same way. Now, it almost seems silly. Now, I look around and say to myself, "well, of course, this is what you need to do to go there, or get that info., or learn this or that skill so that you can achieve your dreams....". Man, was I ever fooling myself to think that sitting down for hours with a drink so I could reflect, contemplate, etc. more, would actually be a tool to get me anywhere! What a huge lie I was telling myself! What elaborate gyrations of thoughts I would have to maintain that lie! Just creating more confusion for myself...sheesh.

Clarity...it's a beautiful thing.

The clarity I've gained from quitting drinking and not having cravings has allowed me to, not only be completely all there to take care of my family and my usual daily tasks, such as cooking and cleaning, but I have also gained a great new full-time job, finished a college degree, bought 2 pieces of property, one in the mountains, one in Mexico, and I'm in the middle of building(largely owner-me built), a cabin on one, and a house/community center on the other. I'm learning how to make cheese, and I'm starting a glass blowing class soon. My relationships with my friends and family members have deepened. I'm especially proud of that when I think of my son. And, most importantly, my relationship with myself is good now. I know why I'm here. I'm no longer confused because of the alcohol or cravings. I'm clear.

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