| Subject: CAguy's Miss Universe 1996 Review! |
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CAguy
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Date Posted: 15:18:35 11/12/09 Thu
I had so much fun reviewing Miss Universe 1995, I thought I’d take a crack at Miss Universe 1996! I want to say two things at the outset of this review.
The first is that I am dedicating this and all future reviews to Meemaw; it is because of her that I, and so many of us, can enjoy a wonderful and respectful message board dedicated to pageants and that I have been inspired to start writing reviews. Meemaw, you are amazing, and I know you are going to win your fight. My cousin’s father-in-law was diagnosed with Stage IV pancreatic cancer almost three years ago and given basically a few months, and he is now in remission and doing really well. I know I’m going to be reading your review of Miss Universe 2014 and laugh myself silly doing so!
The second is that, in the interest of full disclosure, you may want to skip this review if you are a fan of Alicia Machado. I loathe her. LOOOOOOOATHE her. Like, Meemaw-and-The-Beast or Old-School-Fan-and-Jill-Sheffert levels of antipathy. I think she is a total phony, who managed to pull one over on those stupid judges in a major way. I think she is the worst Miss Universe there has ever been. Also, I just don’t think she’s all that beautiful, and she’s a horrible bitch; I HATE it when awful bitches win these things. I will not be kind to her. You have been warned….
Now, I love this opening number so, so much. It’s probably my favorite, even more than the one in Namibia. We see all the delegates in costume walking down some fabulous hallway with a huge projection of all of them on the ceiling above. It’s so perfectly Vegas. I mean, dark, dingy, and smoke-filled casino rooms filled with extremely overweight and anesthetized gambling addicts are also perfectly Vegas; but this is, you know, much less depressing than that. Finally, through pyrotechnics we are transported into the auditorium with the fabulous Chelsi Smith leading the delegates through the opening number “Electric.” For my money, this is the best opening song of any pageant ever. It’s just too awesome for words, and I get chills each and every time I see the delegates surround Chelsi at the climax of it (dirty!).
Time for the Parade of Nations!
Peru is pretty fabulous. Her dress is really cool.
My first impression of Venezuela is to wonder what the hell she’s got on; it’s the strangest-looking costume. Also, she is the least attractive Venezuelan since at least Andreina Goetz. Her scores are really high, though, and I am not supportive of that.
Chile is an even less attractive version of Alicia Machado.
After a respite last year, the Northern Marianas is back at the bottom of the heap, score-wise.
Aruba has the warmest, most beautiful smile this side of Arlene Peterkin. I love her instantly.
Trinidad and Tobago is stunning.
Curaçao’s costume makes her look like the Creature from the Black Lagoon. I somehow think that was unintentional.
Jamaica’s very poised.
Norway’s evening gown is so hideous.
So is Switzerland’s.
Sweden’s high scores are somewhat baffling, as she exhibits no discernible personality in her introduction.
Ukraine’s evening gown is at least six inches too short.
France is gorgeous.
Estonia is sex personified.
Poland has the flattest hair I’ve ever seen on a woman.
Woah, Finland is black! She’s pretty.
There’s something about Russia I just love.
Belgium is HOOOOTTTTTTTT.
Thailand is beautiful.
Singapore’s evening gown is so stiff that she can’t move in it.
Korea looks like she’s six. Go to bed.
Malaysia has no neck, which creeps me out.
India may be the most beautiful woman her country has ever sent to this pageant.
Philippines does an admirable job of balancing pots on her head.
Italy is gorgeous.
Cyprus is goooorgeous. She’s no Demetra Eleftheriou, but she’s the second prettiest woman her country’s sent to this pageant.
I love South Africa and the way she says, “Mandela’s rainbow nation: South Africa!” with such heartfelt pride.
Israel looks like a pitbull. A very pretty pitbull, but still.
Ghana looks amazing in her gorgeous yellow evening gown.
When Zimbabwe introduces herself, I fall completely in love. I think Langa Sibanda is SO FABULOUS! First of all, she is at least two feet taller than any other woman competing. Second of all, she is wearing the MOST spectacular evening gown: sort of a zebra-patterned gown with bustles of black tulle on each hip that is extremely flattering to her fabulous figure. Her gown and interview scores are high, but not high enough to my liking. I am appalled at her low swimsuit score and instantly plot to murder the judging panel for this travesty; this feeling will not abate as the evening progresses.
Belize says “livin’,” rather than “living,” which I find extremely grating.
Honduras’s hat is about to eat her. I’m sad we won’t get to see that.
Guatemala looks like a jaguar, like she’s going to hunt me down and eat me. Huh, I’m interested.
Panama has a very large cheering section. They’ll have to switch allegiances when she fails to advance.
For the second year in a row, El Salvador sends a very pretty woman with a pretty terrible figure.
Mexico’s eyes are gorgeous; her thighs are large.
USA is probably the most beautiful woman there.
OK, sidebar: I have often wondered how things would have played out if Danielle Boatwright had won Miss USA 1996 instead of Ali Landry. While I think Ali is a bit more beautiful (although I do love Dani’s eyes and think she is stunning as well) and certainly one of the top five most beautiful Miss USA’s, Dani has the body and the bubbly personality in her favor. Ali was never the best interviewee and did not have the best figure at Miss USA, and I think she frankly was a little lucky in the end. Had Dani not started to melt in front of our very eyes, she probably would have won. I think Dani would have kicked Alicia’s ass in swimsuit, at the very least, and would have knocked Lola Odusoga right out of the top three. Ali’s lack of humor in her judge’s question was glaring, and I think Dani would have kept things bubbly and fun, which would have helped enormously. I think she might have been able to win this crown, where I never really thought Ali was going to win after swimsuit. I love Ali, don’t get me wrong, and I think the top three at Miss USA 1996 is easily the best top three of that pageant by a country mile. Any of those three was a lock for the top six here, but I suspect Dani’s personality would have made her the most likely to make the top three. It’s a very interesting what-if scenario, and I wish we could have an alternative Miss Universe pageant just to test my theory out.
Anyway, Bob Goen and Marla Maples-Trump do their introductory spiel, which is rarely interesting to me, especially when Bob pulls out the footage of Marla competing at Miss Georgia USA. I will say, though, that I think Bob’s superior hosting abilities had a positive effect on Marla throughout the night; he was able to raise her up a notch, while George Hamilton’s inferior hosting skills at Miss USA and Universe 1997 had a negative effect on Marla.
The Top Ten!!
India’s face SO GORGEOUS!
Finland is pretty. But not as awesome as Zimbabwe!!
Peru is a refreshing choice.
Ugh, Sweden is so boring. You know who’s not boring? Langa Sibanda!
Mexico is really pretty.
Ali wins the preliminaries because she’s the prettiest girl there (I suspect Dani would have won prelims as well) and Russia gives her the most hilarious look as she steps forward.
Yay, Russia made it! She’s sassy.
El Salvador is pretty and all, but she’s no Langa!
YESSSSS, my favorite Aruba makes it!!! She’s also wearing the hottest cocktail dress of any of them!
Venezuela gets the last spot, duh, and exactly no one looks happy for her. Because she is evil manifest. The nicest thing I can say about her is she has pretty hair, but so did Samson and look what happened to him when it was cut off.
In my favorite of all what-if games, had there been a top fifteen, the other five would have been France, Trinidad and Tobago, South Africa, Belgium, and Langa Sibanda. OK, really Hungary, but I refuse to accept Langa’s utterly ridiculous placement of twenty-first and upgrade her. In any event, I would have loved to see these five women in there, and I’d have replaced Sweden, Finland, El Salvador, and Evil Manifest with any combination of them that includes Langa Sibanda.
They have celebrity impersonators introducing the judges, which is hilariously embarrassing. I don’t even know whom some of these people are impersonating. In explaining the scoring, it is highly apparent that Marla needs to learn to read the teleprompter less obviously.
Time for interviews! India and her stunning face are up first. Her interview consists of talking exclusively about her trek to the Himalayas; and while she is SO stunning, Bob proves to be more entertaining than Sandhya herself, which is not a good thing. She followed Sushmita’s and Manpreet’s leads by winning the preliminary interview competition, but she wasn’t as charming or relaxed as her two predecessors. She tried for a little humor, but she was a little too stiff and/or nervous to pull it off completely. Finland is up next and is asked by Bob to explain where “Odusoga” comes from. Lola’s father is Nigerian, and I have to say that Nigerians have really mellifluous names! Incidentally, the camera shows her very blonde, blue-eyed Finnish mother, who is very pretty. Lola also talks about her brothers stuffing her in bags as a small child. She is not wholly comfortable with her English and cannot really expound on any of her answers, and I find her to be rather boring. So do the judges, according to the score. Peru is up next and talks about having a year and change before graduating with her architecture degree, and Natalí then goes the Madhu Sapre route by saying that her dream job as an architect would be to build a recreational park with sporting complexes open to everyone. Bob asks after her love for American basketball, and she of course says her favorite team is the Chicago Bulls. As a fellow Bulls fan at the time, I approve; the judges, sadly, don’t. (Incidentally, pro basketball just hasn’t been the same for me since Michael Jordan retired. The first time.) Bob tells us that Sweden was one of 5,000 applicants for the Miss Sweden pageant, and Annika tells us that she applied because she lost her job the previous year and just applied to a bunch of different jobs; Miss Sweden was the one that worked. Cute, but it would have been a lot funnier if she wasn’t so boring. She then says she’s going to Los Angeles with her family for three weeks’ vacation after the pageant, and what the hell is she going to do in LA for three weeks?? I live in LA, and it’s just not a very tourist-friendly place!! I hope she went other places, too. Lord. Anyway, Bob tells her to watch out for us crazy LA guys, and it’s nice how he’s always looking out for the girls’ virtue Annika, I promise I’m not interested in your virtue; if you have a hot brother, though, all bets are off! The judges find Annika as boring as I do and give her by far the lowest score yet. They only now realize their unforgivable error in not advancing the glorious Langa Sibanda to the semifinals so that she could dazzle us with her mighty intellect and vibrant personality. Bastards! Mexico is up next and gets a typically rowdy welcome from the ten million compatriots who have followed her to Vegas. Vanessa’s mom is gorgeous, P.S. Bob acknowledges the rowdy fans in a really suave, composed way; ugh, I miss him. Vanessa talks about wanting to become a diplomat and work in an embassy. Bob puts her on the spot and asks her what should be done about the strained relationship between the US and Mexico, due in large part to immigration. Oy, just imagine that question being asked now?! Vanessa says that she thinks Mexicans need to focus on working internally so that so many of them don’t feel the need to go elsewhere to better their lives. Very nicely said, indeed. Her lip liner annoys me, but I like her a lot. Oh, her score is lower than India’s? What? Bad judges! Ali is up next and thankfully does not get booed by all the Mexicans in attendance. Hey, did you know that she’s from Breaux Bridge, Louisiana? Well, in case you missed it the previous 8,197 times it was mentioned at the Miss USA pageant, now you know! Ali talks about the homecoming she had in Breaux Bridge, a town of 6,000, and that about 30,000 people were there; she seems genuinely touched at the outpouring of support she had. Ooh, her father is hot. Call me, Mr. Landry!! Ugh, Bob asks if she has family at the pageant, and we get to hear AGAIN about her “eighteen sets of ants and uncles and farty-seven first cousins” (tm Old School Fan, and I swear to god I laugh out loud every time I read or hear or think about it!). She also says she thinks that her whole town came, but that they’re really there to gamble; she very adorably scolds them not to lose all their money. She’s relaxed and beautiful, and her score is by far the highest. Russia is a “shaping instructor” (ooh, dirty!), which Ilmira explains is someone who makes a woman look more beautiful than she actually is. Ha! I love her. Her mother is also lovely. Bob says that he often feels he needs to lose five (make it eight!) pounds fast and asks Ilmira for advice. She tells him to lay off the snacks, fat ass! OK, maybe not the last part, but she’s funny. The judges like her, too. Yay! El Salvador talks about how her grandmother started her political career at eighteen and was mayor of her town (woah), which was a difficult thing for a woman to achieve at the time, and was the first state governor in Venezuela, the first female presidential candidate in Venezuela, and a senator for fifteen years. Ha, take that, Irene Saez! Also, is Milena a ringer? Was she one of Osmel’s castoffs? Hmm, I want to know. Anyway, Milena loves her grandmother. Also, her mother is beautiful. She’s very sweet and sincere, but I still want Langa! Woo-hoo, Aruba is up next! Bob tells us Taryn’s favorite musical group is the Beatles and then says condescendingly that she’s “too young” to be into the Beatles, isn’t she? No, a-hole, no one is too young to be into the Beatles. Not his finest moment. Taryn says she likes them because they’ve made history and then, when asked if her parents turned her onto them, says that the Beatles were really able to unite the world through their music and were just a beautiful group. Simply and beautifully stated. Bob says Taryn speaks Spanish, Dutch, English, and Papiamento and asks her what Papiamento is and to say something in it. She says it’s a dialect that contains Spanish, Dutch, English, and a little Portuguese. She then says something in it, which actually sounds very similar to Portuguese to my ears. Since her Spanish translator cannot speak Papiamento and since Bob doesn’t ask Taryn herself to translate, we never find out what she said. But I’m sure it was beautiful! The judges like her, to my satisfaction. Finally, Evil Manifest comes out with the biggest, most insincere smile I’ve ever seen. Bob asks after a toy store that her father owns, and she nods her head vociferously, like a bobble head, and says he does own two stores from which she received many toys. Bob confirms that it was like Christmas every day in her house, and Evil Manifest says it was like Christmas every day, but that she was able to share the “good times” with so many other children, since her father loved children (not like that, sickos! At least, I hope not like that…), which everyone should do. Barf. Her mother, in contrast to all other delegates’ mothers, is NOT pretty. At all. I know I should leave her mom alone; but she DID birth Evil Manifest, and I therefore hold her very much responsible for all of this! Oh fantastic, Goen is going to the Barker place of favoritism. Her interview is already as long as everyone else’s; and, rather than simply ending it, he asks if she speaks any English. This allows Evil Manifest to say, “Welcum tu Entertainment Tonight. Jur haosts: Bob Goen and me.” She says this while groping Bob, and I try to annihilate her with my fiery gaze. However, since she sprang fully formed from the fires of hell, she is impervious. She’s so fake, I want to die. But I know the judges are Satan worshippers who are easily fooled and manipulated; and sure enough, she gets the highest score, just eking it out over Ali. Gah, I hate Bob Goen right now! He made this monster! I can now empathize with all the Bolocco haters who wanted Barker’s head on a stake back in the day.
Chelsi then takes on an embarrassing tour of Las Vegas/prize package two-for-one. It’s embarrassing because she is accompanied by an Elvis impersonator. I can’t talk about it anymore.
Swimsuits! OK, so, the idiots-in-charge have saddled these poor women with the ugliest swimsuits I have ever seen. Bad Jantzen, no biscuit! These hideous creations come in two varieties: a black one-piece with meshing across the top front and a pseudo-two-piece with meshing across the midriff (this one, especially, is a such a grievous offense to fashion that it hurts my stylish hazel eyes just to look on them). The set is cool and retro-‘50’s, so at least there’s that. The women exit a kind of changing tent and pose bedecked in sunglasses for fake photographers before whipping said sunglasses off their faces sassily and posing for an image that’s projected behind them as they strut their stuff. There’s a point halfway through where they have to turn and, like, vogue for the paparazzi, which I find really silly. India and her stunning face come out in a heinous fake two-piece and look fine. I mean, her face is SO GORGEOUS that I don’t really care what her body looks like, but she looks pretty good from the neck down as well. Finland (two-piece) moves well, which makes sense with her dancing background, but does have fairly large thighs. The judges score her well, though; and given how the rest of this competition unfolded, I’m inclined to say she placed fairly. Peru comes out in a two-piece that is so unflattering on her tall figure that it makes me cry; seriously, it’s disgustingly high-waisted, which is a real accomplishment on a woman who is six feet tall. She also kind of flails her arms when she walks. Her score is the same as India’s. Boring Sweden is up next and performs boringly. The nicest thing I can say is that her figure is good, and it helps that she’s wearing the slightly more flattering one-piece. She still gets the lowest score yet because shezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. We all know of course that Langa Sibanda and her eight-foot-long legs would have catwalked boring Sweden into oblivion and secured a Victoria’s Secret contract on the spot. Mexico (one-piece) also has some large thighs happening; actually, many of the girls have large thighs, I’m noticing. It’s not necessarily a bad thing, but I think most could have more tone to them. Mexico’s score reflects my feelings that her body is middle-of-the-pack here. Ali has the good sense to wear the one-piece, but I know immediately she is out of the running for the crown. While she doesn’t have the thigh issue as much, she doesn’t look quite as good as she did at Miss USA, which I’d say is certainly common for our girls. She’s always been a curvy woman, which I love; she just wasn’t quiiiiite as fit as she could have been here, and it was noticeable enough for the judges to turn on her. Her score matches Mexico’s, and my suspicions are confirmed. This is where I think Dani would have kept favor with the judges in a major way. Anyway, Russia is up next in a hideous two-piece. She has BY FAR the best body of any woman thus far, not to mention fabulous moves, and consequently receives the highest score yet. Very good. El Salvador (one-piece) is up next and clearly suffers with having to follow Russia’s hotness; she has the worst figure yet (our thigh issue reaches its nadir here), and even Sweden’s boring-ness is less offensive to the judges, because they give Milena the lowest score yet. My girl Aruba comes out in a two-piece (*sob*) and is awesome in every way. She sashays her way confidently down the stage and looks fabulous. She just out-scores Russia. I think Ilmira should have won this round, with Taryn right behind her, but whatevs. Keep up the good work, judges! Evil Manifest is wearing a one-piece and proceeds to thrust her breasts at the camera, which is exactly the image that is then displayed behind her. Fear not, though, she is just getting warmed up. The thing is, she actually does have one of the better bodies of the top ten, but her antics negate everything. She whips and flips her head and hair so violently as she’s walking and turning for the cameras and walking and posing that I feel like she’s teasing me cruelly by not actually decapitating herself. But THEN when she hits her mark downstage, she does this completely awful and fully UN-spontaneous shoulder shimmy, followed by her most violent head thrust yet. One more hair flip, and she loses an earring. Ugh, she is so completely delighted with herself that I have no choice but to gather my holy water, crucifix, and silver sword and prepare to do battle. Believe me, dear readers, when I tell you that Good shall prevail and smite Evil back to the fiery depths of Osmel’s beauty school. The judges naturally poo themselves over her antics and reward her with BY FAR the highest score yet. I want to die. But not before I take them all with me.
We are then “treated” to a “special” performance by the once-and-always Phantom of the Opera, Michael Crawford. He sings “Music of the Night” in a tux and without a mask; it’s just not the same. Ooh, he struggles to hit the glory note. Jarring. All the girls are in their gowns, which is nice, but the stage is too dark to see any of them – LAME! I do spot Langa, and she is the most fabulous woman on any stage that has ever been. Crawford ends by serenading Chelsi, who reaches into the depths of her soul to pretend to be moved by this. She’s so ready to move on. And so am I.
Marla tells us Russia won the national costume award, which is delightful; Australia won Congeniality, which is typical in the best sense (seriously, Aussies are The Best!!); and Evil Manifest won the style award, which proves that I will never be free from her in this review.
Bob jumps right into evening gowns, and the girls will be descending a wide staircase, past a grand piano, to the sounds of classical piano music. While it’s not the perfection of Namibia’s EG competition, it’s very elegant and lovely and fits the stage and setting really well. India and her face are up first in a very boring beaded brown gown with gold gloves that does absolutely nothing for her. I wish her personality had been more vibrant because she could have easily made the top six otherwise; a better gown would have helped, too. Finland is up next in a shiny white gown with black accents and gloves. OK, unpopular opinion: I really don’t like this gown; it has a lot of potential, but there are two major issues. Two black accents are placed most unfortunately over her boobs, and it makes her look like she’s got Madonna bullet boobs happening. I don’t like it. Also, the gown kind of pooches at her tummy, which is never a good thing. The judges, because they are on crack, love her. Bah! Peru comes down in a beautiful gold gown with criss-cross beading over her torso and a full and shiny gold skirt; the sheer meshing over the rest of her torso is not made of awesome, but overall I really like this gown. She also put her hair up, which was a great choice. She’s scores pretty well. Sweden comes out in a cheap-looking, beaded navy blue (or black or charcoal gray – I’m not positive) gown. It’s as boring as she is. I think we all know that Miss Langa Sibanda would have taken this stage by effin’ storm in her zebra-patterned gown of unparalleled ferocity and secured a perfect score for the first and only time in pageant history, blazing her way to easy victory in this pageant. I cry thinking about what could, nay, SHOULD have been!!! Sweden’s score is just below Peru’s. Bleh. I love Mexico’s gown. It’s a stunning shade of teal blue that sets her eyes off beautifully; it’s strapless and hugs her figure in a very flattering way. There are shiny details criss-crossed on the torso and a bow and tail behind. She’s also wearing a big necklace, which I wouldn’t normally like, but find perfectly suited for the look here. Her score ties her with Finland, which is a shame because Vanessa’s dress is SO much prettier. Ali comes out in the gown that won her the prelim EG competition, and the first thing I notice is the giant seam down the front of her dress. That makes the dress look cheap and tacky, which are two words I frankly never thought I’d assign to Ms. Landry. The dress is white with a sparkly beaded bust, and it just looks cheap. The judges give her the highest score so far, and I do not agree with that at all. I wish she had worn her Miss USA gown, which was similar, but so much better and more elegant. Russia comes out and…oh dear. Oh no. This is baaaaad. Ugh, it’s black with a fitted bust with three, like, jeweled teardrops down the front and kind of full skirt that flares too high on her waist, effectively making her look squat, and that stops six inches higher than it should. It is badly fitted and just doesn’t fit her personality at all. Disappointing, Ilmira!! The judges agree and give her the lowest score of all. El Salvador is wearing a very simple and gorgeous royal blue gown with gold accents. It’s well-fitted, and she looks smashing in it. She is, however, wearing shiny gold shoes, which look cheap; it’s not enough to ruin the look for me, though, and the judges give her a pretty high score. My favorite Aruba is wearing a shiny, dusty pink gown that has crystals over the torso and large shoulder accents that have beaded and crystalline roses cascading down from one shoulder to the middle of her back and up to the other shoulder. It sounds weird, but I think this unique gown works on Taryn when it wouldn’t work on most women. The color is fabulous on her, and she carries the gown really well. She ties El Salvador, which I think is fair. Evil Manifest comes out in a simple, beaded aquamarine gown with a ribbon detailing around her arms and across her chest. Ugh, FINE, this dress is gorgeous, and I cannot fault her; certainly, this was her best moment because her mouth was shut, and she wasn’t doing cartwheels to get the judges to notice her. I’d still give the win here to Mexico, but even I can’t totally want to annihilate the judges for giving it to Evil Manifest just this once.
We see more of Chelsi’s “fun” “adventures” with “Elvis.” Ugh, NEXT! Marla then has a little chat with Chelsi, where she says her year has been really memorable; I can only imagine, after almost two years as Miss Texas USA/USA/Universe, how very much finished she is with all of this. She looks great, though, and tells us that Philippines won Photogenic, starting a very annoying trend that will continue over the next decade-plus of the Photogenic award going to delegates from countries with the most rabid, computer-savvy pageant fans. I know it’s simple semantics, but I really hate that they won’t just call it the Internet or Fan Favorite award and let actual photographers award Photogenic. HAAAATE!!
Our final six are Aruba (YES!!!), Russia, USA, Finland, Evil Manifest (who, when called forward, reaches for hands that do not want to touch her – ugh, she’s horrible), and Mexico. I’d have put India’s face and Langa Sibanda in there for Finland and Evil Manifest, but oh well.
Judges’ questions! My beautiful Taryn is up first and chooses Starletta Dupois, which is not the name of a real person and who has most definitely been favoring Taryn and Lola all night. She asks Taryn whether governments or individual women should make birth control decisions. I honestly don’t know how I feel about this question because it may just not be something that is debated in some cultures, and some women may not have the vocabulary to discuss it. Felicitously, after asking her interpreter to repeat the question and seeming a little perplexed by the “birth control” aspect of the question, Taryn jumps right in and states adamantly that women should control the decisions that affect their own bodies and are perfectly capable of doing so. Taryn’s scores are really high, which is fantastic; I notice that Emilio Estefan, Jr. gives her a really low score, and I make a note to myself to make his annihilation particularly painful. Ilmira is up next and is asked whether she would want to marry a man who wanted to stay home and raise the family while she was the breadwinner. Again, this question is inherently biased against women who come from cultures where there simply aren’t many women in the workforce and where the idea of that kind of gender role reversal is simply unheard of. Ilmira says, like all women, she would like to have a family with happy, healthy children and would of course like to have a husband who would stay home. It’s an OK answer, and she doesn’t score as highly as Taryn; Estefan also hates her. Jerkweed. Ali is up next and, to the cheers of “Ali! Ali!” is asked what is the greatest challenge in her life, other than this pageant, at this time. That’s a dumb question, since at this time she may not have any challenges that don’t seem really rather insipid; she is Miss USA, after all, which is pretty awesome for her. Ali dips into the “I come from a big family” well again, and this time it’s the straw that breaks the camel’s back. She says it’s hard to be away from her large family and then rambles a little on the importance of the family unit and the problems that occur when it breaks down and how she speaks on that often. It’s not a focused answer, and the judges are not kind; Estefan scores her the same as Taryn, and Starletta hates her passionately. Lola is asked by Jim Nantz whether she thinks women should have equal opportunities to participate in sports as men do and, if so, why. After asking him to “explain a little bit,” she basically repeats four times that men and women should be equal. It’s not a very confident answer due to her not-very-good English; and while I appreciate her effort and the sentiment in her answer, I would not have scored it that well. The judges (except for Estefan, who hates all of them) appallingly score her very high, just below Taryn to my eyes. When Evil Manifest chooses her judge and the camera pans to Maud Adams, I scream in horror; this woman is a walking advertisement on the perils of plastic surgery. She looks like the cat lady and nonsensically asks, “If you could choose only one, would you choose smart, rich, or beautiful, or why?” First of all, Evil Manifest could take a dump right there on stage and then fling her poo like a monkey at the judges before slashing the throats of crowd favorites USA and Mexico right there on live television, revealing herself once and for all to be the manifestation of Evil on earth, and she would STILL win. Like any moron with half a brain, she says she would choose smart because you can then become rich (yes) and beautiful (only if you get the money, honey) and, besides that, intelligence can help you develop yourself internally, which can help you do many, many other things as well. Yeah, like learn how not to be the biggest bitch in the world; maybe you should develop that skill, dear. It’s a standard answer to a standard question, delivered with self-satisfaction that is part and parcel with being Evil Manifest; and the judges (except for Estefan, which causes me to rethink my earlier proclamation since he might see her for the hell beast she truly is) confirm that she can do no wrong. Vanessa is asked by Cecilia Bolocco (looking ten years older than her real age) who the most important woman in history is. Like Peru before her, Vanessa takes her cue from Madhu Sapre and says Indira Gandhi is that woman because she fought so hard for human rights (which she cutely needs the translator to help her with) and wanted men and women to be equal. She delivers it sincerely, but it looks to me like the judges score her just a bit lower than Lola. Estefan also hates her; seriously, what is his problem? My top three would have been Taryn, Vanessa, and Langa Sibanda; however, I can’t really argue with Evil Manifest’s assured inclusion based on all the answers.
Our top three are Lola (ugh, I COMPLETELY object to this one), Evil Manifest, and Taryn (YESSSSS!!!!!!). Our final question is “What do you think men can learn from women?” Lola finally runs out of her English and says that women are very bright and smart and are the ones who give birth and are the ones who have to “learn” men how to love. 2nd runner-up, done. Next! What Evil Manifest actually says (I think, if I’m incorrect, please will a more fluent Spanish speaker correct me?) that men can learn very much because at this moment, thanks to women, men are in the theater applauding me because I’m a woman and applauding all beauty pageants. Her translator alters the end of her answer to say, “seeing this beautiful contest and applauding me because I am a beautiful woman.” Look, she was going to win anyway, I’m 99% sure; however, that mistranslation made her answer seem funnier (although I think it’s in some ways more accurate since she already thinks she’s the hottest woman ever, which, no) than it really was. Also, it doesn’t answer the question at ALL. HATE!!! My sweet Taryn gives the sincerest answer, saying that men can learn sensitivity from women, men can learn warmth from women, and men can learn a great deal from everything women have to offer. I feel like she said a little more than that, but I can’t understand her Spanish as easily; so maybe I’m wrong there. Still, it’s my favorite answer because it actually answers the question and was delivered confidently and sincerely. She’s doomed. I hate this pageant and my life.
One more embarrassing “adventure” with “Elvis” for poor Chelsi, and then she finally gets to give her farewell walk/speech. She looks stunning, as usual, and gives a typically intelligent and gracious speech and looks so done with all of this. Keylee Sue Sanders is helping with the crowning, and she looks AWFUL!! She’s dyed her short hair blonde and is wearing a hideous red dress, and I curse those damn Teen USA judges for being swayed by the home crowd to vote for her over the lovely Katie Aselton. For my money, Keylee is the least attractive Miss Teen USA aside from the vile Mindy Duncan, and she just proves it looking like she does here. Anyway, to the surprise of no one, Lola is named 2nd runner-up. The other contestants are right now cheering SO HARD for Taryn. Sadly, she is announced 1st runner-up, and Evil Manifest wins, completing my misery. The other delegates want to murder her, and no one is happy about this tragic occurrence. I fly into such an intense crying rage that I enable myself to defy the laws of time, space, and physics and transport myself back to that very stage where I finally vanquish Evil Manifest with my silver sword and, with one glorious swipe, decapitate all the judges as punishment for being Satan’s followers and fools of the highest order (and Starletta, who assuredly voted for Taryn, for having a stupid fake name). Taryn is then immediately crowned Miss Universe 1996 and reigns with enormous grace, beauty, humor, and intelligence, distinguishing herself as the best Miss Universe to date; and her glory and beautiful, beautiful smile unite the world. Good has won over Evil Manifest, and all is right with the world.
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