| Subject: Re: Where is everybody? |
Author:
Maddie
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Date Posted: 06:03:08 11/16/14 Sun
In reply to:
Wondering
's message, "Re: Where is everybody?" on 08:36:15 11/15/14 Sat
Wow! Wondering. That is profound. Why am I like this? Do you think it has to do with growing up with parents who expected and demanded excellence, beyond excellence actually? They didn't hit me or if they did it wasn't much, but I was always scared to death of disappointing them. My dads disappointed expression and clamming up was(is)way worse than getting my ass belted. My mom would just click and freak out. Hours of raving. First would be the "Maddie, What did you do?!!!" and then running around the house sweating and fidgeting vocally and loudly about how this is going to look and the time and preparation it's going to take away from the charity club and all the hard work she had put into it and the people who would be let down because of it and how could I do this to her. Even as a little kid I was like "OMG, just beat my ass with a brush and stick my nose in the corner for all the charity club to to shame!! Please, get it over with!!"
Then I went to school where all the kids at least once, some a lot more got their butts paddled at the least infraction, but I was put on a pedestal as the good little, well behaved, polite, obedient and meek little girl who would NEVER do anything naughty and would always be fair and honest when asked if another girl was naughty. (which of course resulted in her getting her butt paddled at school and probably again at home, which resulted in endless fantasies and constant arousal).
I don't know if I chose them or it just so happened, but I always seemed to hang around with a confident, aggressive girl who was usually kind of mean, yet loving to me. They weren't the bad girls, they were usually really smart, but aggressive. I just hated those bad girls. They were so beneath my dignity. But I secretly, so secretly I couldn't even admit to myself that I crushed on them. I couldn't even admit to myself that I fantasized about them getting their butts and other parts of their bodies beat and even more secretly and ashamedly fantasized about getting my butt beat by them and being made to suck their toes and lick their stinky bottoms and pleasure them.
I want to point out that Kailey is no way like that. Kailey is not a bully or a meanie. Kailey is so sweet and caring and confident and mature. I crushed on her the minute I saw her. As I got to know her, even if from a distance I crushed on her even harder. She treated me like an annoying little sister who kind of got in the way, but she was always very sweet to me. I started to fall in love with her. There were clues that she grew up with spankings and strict discipline and her mom and family were very open and loving. It was just by some freakish chance that I discovered the truth and that she could still be subject to her mothers discipline. At that point I became obsessed and sleep deprived which resulted in the long, blabbering e-mail I sent her just laying everything out on the table.
I realize that I sort of painted pictures of my parents as horrible demons. They really aren't. They would do anything for me and I love them very much. I don't hate my parents or have any vendetta, I know it sounded like it at first, I really do love them very much, I just think they're a bit screwed up.
Phew, what a release. Thank you Wondering for bringing all this up in me.
>who requires both pain and humiliation to help escape from the insecurity that the exercise of freedom in life presents<. I think your first sentence really says a lot. I think if I had st been under the protection and dominance of my parents home I would probably never have explored the possibilities of what I had always dreamed about. The real world is really a scary place and the freedom to make my own decisions, successes and failures makes it all the more frightening.
I don't think I would ever be happy with complete enslavement. I'm not really sure what that means. I just love being protected and loved by someone beautiful and loving and mature and knowing that there are consequences and those consequences will be carried out if Im naughty.
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