Author:
HNJ
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Date Posted: 02:43:09 12/20/17 Wed
Let's play a game.
Imagine it. An all-star pageant where there is no rule about only winning once. A chance to see how our favorite women would stack up if pitted against each other over and over and /over/ again.
A blowout event funded by an elderly gay couple whose only wishes are:
1. To use all of their billions and trillions of dollars to produce this pageant for years to come
2. To let a board of women run the day to day operations and figure out the nitty-gritty of what the titleholder actually should be doing to make her life as amazing as possible
3. To open the pageant each year with a hysterical duet, which we all lovingly endure since they're doing so much for us in return.
Each of the 50 United States gets to send its top five contenders to the All-Stars (which is, naturally, all-expenses paid somewhere fabulous). This is typically the top 5 from their USA pageant, but outside applications are considered from outstanding MAO contestants.
The contestants are sorted into five preliminary groups based on the month they were born. The preliminary competition is held on an opulent stage worthy of Miss Universe in its prime. As each contestant walks onstage, the screen to the side lights up with some personal information about her: her name, some actually fun facts that set her apart without making us want to tear our hair out, a childhood photo-- and never her state. Now that they're in the All-Stars, it's a sash free zone. You're simply Libra 5, or Aries 7, or Scorpio 4.
When the women enter for evening gown, their names light up the screens again, this time accompanied by the name of their gown designer. The judges are instructed not to take into account what they know about the designer's pricing, but respect that projecting the designer's name is good advertising and might be beneficial in getting a gown sponsored for the contestants.
A full hair and makeup team work tirelessly to keep all of the All-Stars looking their best throughout the competition and appearances beyond the stage. It's quite a task with so many beautiful women, but the schedule is designed so that only some of them are active at any given time. One group has onstage rehearsal while another is at lunch, a third is at a photoshoot, a fourth is on break in their rooms to call their families or rest, the fifth is with the alterations team fitting the opening number dresses. The scheduling team has made this a well-oiled machine, and the contestants are relaxed throughout the two weeks they spend at the competition.
With five preliminary groups, it takes three days to go through them all. Tuesday has an afternoon and evening competition, as does Wednesday, followed by the final preliminary group on Thursday afternoon. Friday the contestants rehearse for the final show before a group movie night. The hotel has cleared out one of the large banquet halls and slid down a projector screen, where they are showing Miss Congeniality. Instead of attending a rehearsal or going to a publicity event, the night before the final competition, the cameras are put away, the women change into their lounge clothes, bring their cell phones down so they can keep texting their friends and family, and curl up to watch a funny movie before bed.
Saturday brings the final competition, which is internationally telecast. It's three hours long, but there's no real filler, so no one complains. Everyone has been able to watch the preliminary competitions online, so the introductions are blissfully brief. We cut down to the Top 35 for Swimsuit. It seems like a painfully high number until the women start coming out and each one of them is nearly flawless in her presentation and body. The best part is that each judge's score pops up on the side of the screen in real time, so the viewers can keep up with the results.
With scores being shown in real time, the results are in before the commercial break and the Top 20 roster is displayed with their scores beside their names. The women quickly prepare for evening gown, which is shown in the same way. After gown they cut to the Top 10 for onstage question. The questions are based on current events, but have been submitted by the directors as examples of unbiased, not politically-based questions. After that, we go to Top 5 for a Miss Universe style question where they are all asked the same thing.
The key difference here is that throughout the competition, all of the scores are shown, so fans can keep up with how their girl is doing. Scores for non-finalists (from prelims) are released after the final show, so they can all know how they did and where they need to push through. And since there's no rule about only going once to this magical, mystical All-Star Circuit, these women could go head-to-head year after year. The same woman could theoretically win more than once, if she was good enough.
So, here's my question: who would you want to see representing your state? (Feel free to be liberal with the age and timing-- bring back aged out contestants, formers, etc. Just specify what state. And you can include teens for when they age into miss.)
Wasn't that a nice escape from the madness? ;)
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