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Date Posted: 18:28:20 04/06/11 Wed
My wife and I are trying to conceive, so the fertility doctor suggested I do a simple semen analysis. I wanted to give a blunt description of my experience.
The collection was done at the reproductive services lab that our doctor is affiliated with. The lab itself had a small waiting area with 4 or 5 chairs and a dedicated receptionist.
After completing the necessary insurance and consent paperwork, followed by some slightly awkward small talk, the receptionist handed over a sterile sample cup. She walked me back from the waiting area to one of the collection rooms. It looked like there were 2 or 3 rooms in a row. She didn't give me much instruction, but showed me that there was a locked passage through the wall that the collection room shared with the lab (I'm assuming). She told me that after I was finished, I should put the cup in the passage, lock it, and bring out the key. Then she told me to read the instructions that were printed on the wall. And remember, just bring the key. With that, she was off.
The room itself looked like a small examination room, except with carpeted floors and a bathroom and a toilet off of the main room. There was a vinyl couch and a vinyl chair and they provided 2 folded and clean linens. There was a 13" TV/DVD that was cued up to some bad porn (including, no lie, a full 70s style porn-stach). They had one month-old copies of Playboy and Penthouse.
The directions for collection were not particularly clear. Don't touch inside the cup. Let someone know if you spill. Don't transfer spilled semen into the cup. The bathroom signs read "If you wash your hands or penis with soap, be sure to rinse completely. Soap kills sperm." OK. I figured I should wash my hands. Mine as well wash my penis. Liquid antibacterial soap dispenser on the wall, lathered up my penis. The sink was at a good height for rinsing, FYI. Washed and dried hands.
Next thing to figure out was position. I hadn't really thought about how best to get semen into a cup. I figured on my side, with my dominant arm up would be best. Laid out the sheet and assumed the position. Then I did my business. I'm afraid I bumped my penis into the cup a few times. I don't know how to position and hold the cup to catch everything reliably. What if you are planning on spurting but instead you just dribble? Is there some secret yoga-inspired downward dog position that works best?
Anyways, sample collected and into the locked passage. Washed up again and got dressed. Put my porn magazine back on the table, face-side down, like I found it. Headed out to drop of my key to the receptionist. Again, more awkward small talk.
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