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>That was too funny! I loved it! > > > > > >>The Mutant Hunter >>by Adrian Tullberg. >> >>*** >> >>Ext - Morning - Outside >> >>CUT TO a blonde man wearing a khaki t-shirt and >>shorts, and an expression that could be described as >>friendly if the rest of him wasn't near-violently >>energetic. >> >>STEVE >>G'Day! I'm Steve Irwin, the Crocodile Hunter! On this >>special edition, we're going to be exploring the >>habitat and habits of the most intriguing animal; the >>Mutant! >> >>The shot WIDENS to show Steve in a large woodland area >> >>STEVE (cont'd) >>Known as the Homo Superior, each mutant is >>surprisingly different, thus home to many different >>habitats. That's why it's important for each one to be >>taken to it's home as quickly as possible, otherwise >>the whole species could be wiped out. It's my aim to >>capture a mutant, and take him or her to their native >>home as quickly as possible. >> >>Steve hunkers down behind a bush, and speaks in a >>hushed tone. >> >>STEVE >>Now, in this preserve in Whinchester County, New York, >>many mutants have gathered, having gotten lost from >>their home, and settling down here. So it's a good >>place to find ... >> >>Steve stops, and the camera PANS over to focus on a >>small, dark haired man, wandering around a clearing. >> >>STEVE (whispering) >>Oh, what - a - beauty. This is a prime example of the >>Canadious Feralus, or the Wolverine. Very angry, can >>be found in the vicinity of beer, redheads, and >>according to some sources on the Internet, nearly >>legal Asian teenagers. Now normally, he'd be able to >>sniff out us in no time flat, so it's a good thing >>that we've put a little something nearby, that'll keep >>him occupied until we get a little closer. >> >>The man in the clearing stops suddenly, and looks down >>at his foot. >> >>WOLVERINE >>Oh for CHRIST's SAKE! >> >>He HOPS over to a nearby rock, sits on it, and starts >>cleaning his shoe with a stick. >> >>WOLVERINE (cont'd) >>If I find the mutt that left this ... >> >>STEVE sneaks behind WOLVERINE while the mutant is >>occupied, then JUMPS on his back. >> >>WOLVERINE >>WHAT THE ... ! >> >>WOLVERINE tries to throw off STEVE, but hangs on, hog >>tying the mutant with practiced efficiency. >> >>STEVE >>Crikey, this one was tough! >> >>WOLVERINE >>GET OFF ME YOU FREAK! >> >>STEVE >>Settle down, mate! Now, as we can see here, this is a >>prime example of the species. >> >>WOLVERINE >>I'LL TURN YOU INTO A PRIME CUT IF YOU DON'T ... >> >>STEVE quickly pulls down WOLVERINE's pants to the >>knees. >> >>WOLVERINE >>ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR ... >> >>STEVE >>As you can pretty plainly see, this is definitely a >>male. >> >>WOLVERINE >>YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BE ONCE I'M FINISHED WITH YOU! >> >>STEVE >>Now, let's get this one on the plane so we can ... >>Terri? >> >>The camera turns to TERRI as she stares at the exposed >>WOLVERINE, mouth open, eyes glazed. >> >>The shot cuts to a bound WOLVERINE lying on the side >>of the road, a black bag on his head. His movements >>indicate he's nearly gotten out of his ropes. >> >>STEVE (OS) >>Now, here in beautiful Canada, we've returned the >>Wolverine as close as possible to his native habitat. >> >>WOLVERINE rips free, tearing off his bag witha FERAL >>ROAR. >> >>WOLVERINE >>WHEN I FIND YOU IRWIN, I'LL TEAR YOUR FUCKING HEART >>OUT AND MAKE YOU EAT IT! >> >>STEVE (OS) >>As you can see, he's got a bit of a temper! >> >>WOLVERINE checks himself, finding his wallet missing. >> >>WOLVERINE >>Better phone Chuck ... get a ride home ... >> >>WOLVERINE looks around - the camera widens on a BAR >>near the roadside, called THE RED HEAVEN. >> >>Walking to the establishment, WOLVERINE heads to a >>large bald man painting some woodwork. >> >>WOLVERINE >>'scue me ... >> >>MAN >>Come about the job? >> >>WOLVERINE tooks where the man is indicating - the >>CAMERA zooms in on a sign saying 'WANTED; BOUNCER'. >> >>JEFF >>I'm Jeff. It pays fifty bucks an hour after tax. >> >>WOLVERINE >>Really? I mean ... >> >>JEFF >>Lot of fights. At least two involving knives on a slow >>night. >> >>WOLVERINE (interest perking) >>Still ... what's the catch? >> >>JEFF >>Also have to oil down the girls for the wrestling. >> >>WOLVERINE >>Bub, perhaps we have a miscommunication of the word >>'catch'. >> >>JEFF >>Nymphos, the lot of them. Sounds good in theory, but >>the guy who had this job last had to be taken to the >>hospital for rehydration. He'll be in a wheelchair for >>the next month. It'll take someone with ... I don't >>know, superhuman stamina and recovery to keep up with >>half a dozen double-D redheads. >> >>WOLVERINE (trying to clarify) >>Redheads? All of them? >> >>JEFF >>Yup. And free beer. >> >>WOLVERINE has a blank expression, trying to process >>this. >> >>JEFF >>Why not try this job for a week? >> >>JEFF leads the unusually silent WOLVERINE inside the >>bar. >> >>STEVE (OS) >>As you can see, he's much happier inside his native >>environment. Now, join up with me next week, as we try >>to relocate other mutants to their natural homes ...
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