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Date Posted: 12/11/04 11:57:40pm
Author: Leisa*)
Subject: An Un certain irony


An Un certain irony

I know now I was numb
and never felt the needle
prick the skin
or penetrate the muscle

but after the assault
that can only equate
being raped with a baseball bat,
who could feel a thing?

it slowed the effusion;
hastened an adulterated aging

Wednesday is 40 years since Daddy died
Wednesday I get my biopsy results

with details to be ironed out

I was 8, he was 43
what's the math..
the law of averages..
the balance of cancer..

the stench of disease
that chokes
one kidney at a time

I see the flat steel table
the small square window
someone lifted me up
just in time
to witness the cobalt treatment
force his 6'2" frame
to jump, a mock seizure
I would come to call it

I remember the smell of their room
Mom would later paint lavender
with matching sheets, comforter,
and a flowing peignoir
that I would play dress up
in and pretend
to be rich, famous
and loved

She laid on a purple satin pillow
to keep her perfectly coiffured hair
from getting mussed
as if the sticky liquid dressing wasn't enough

I see the lights of the ambulance
that last time,
the sterile hospital room
with its dingy feel
and sallow sweat soaked sheets

My memory severed long ago
yet some things are crystal clear
while others fade into a myriad of mist
and mystery


a subconscious nod
a plot to solidify

as dreams unfold

Vinnie was driving me
through an unknown town

the beach with the unclear
painted letters named
the ocean floor

Inside with the top down
a sudden breeze blew the spray
covering us in saline

The stores were just a blink away
I commented on how much closer
they were than I'd thought

don't go looking for metaphors
in the veins of visions that haunt
sleep when sleep has been ever evasive

My favourite line
"I'll sleep when I'm dead"
takes on a holy shroud
as I kneel tomorrow to make
peace, make penance,
make sorrow something survivable
for those I am bound to
leave behind

Maybe this isn't my colour
with so many fatal calls
I've escaped
eventually my number comes
and even I won't be able to stop
the abysmal schism of breakers

Leisa*)
12.11.04©

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