Cool Universe III -- Poetry Grace and Insanity

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Date Posted: 07/ 3/04 2:52:09pm
Author: mirror man
Subject: Cool Universe III

Cool Universe
by
mirror man

Chapter 6

Now comes the great event that everyone on Planet Cool shared at least once in their lives: structured learning. Institutional, even. If there was any one thing that could be pointed to, besides his home life, that one could say had a definite influence on Abnorman's life, school was it. Whether it was a good or bad influence has yet to be determined. But in any case, it was there. And Abnorman went.

When Abnorman arrived at school, everyone was standing in line, walking into school. So he got in line and walked in too. It just seemed like the cool thing to do.
He walked into a large room with a zillion chairs, and a big lady behind a desk began calling out names.
"Snot!" she said.
Abnorman jumped, but she wasn't talking to him.
"Here," said Snot, stepping forward.
"First seat, first row," she said, pointing.
Snot took his seat and sat down.
"Dummy!" she said.
Abnorman jumped again, but she wasn't talking to him again.
"Here," said Dummy, stepping forward.
"Second seat, first row," she said, pointing.
Dummy took his seat and sat down.
"Dopey!" she said.
By this time, Abnorman was starting to get the idea, so he didn't jump anymore.
"Here," said Dopey.
"Third seat, first row," she said, pointing.
Dopey took his seat and sat down.
And so it went. There were also Snoozy, Sleazy, Grumbly, Grovel, Hammer, Beef, Crazy, Paranoid, Schizoid, Tricky, Cinderella, Cheerleader, Sneerly, Pretty Boy, Gorgeous, and lots and lots of cousins: Henry, Mozart, Jesus, God, Shakesdude, Dead, Id, Van Ghost, and Cosmos. To name a few.
It was a big class. Very crowded. Fortunately, Abnorman would soon discover that half of these kids would either die or disappear, and then there would be more room. That's the way it worked.
When everyone was seated, the lady introduced herself.
"My name is Mrs. Pinch," she said. "I will be your teacher for Coolish, Spelling, Grammar, and Language. You all have a book under your chair. So I want you all to take out your Coolish books now and turn to page one."
Everyone took out their books, turned to page one, and there was a picture of the letter A. Mrs. Pinch explained that this was the letter A and that it was pronounced aay, aah, aaa, and so on. Then they all turned to the next page on which was a picture of the letter B. Mrs. Pinch explained that this was the letter B and that it was pronounced bee, buh, and sometimes not at all. Then they turned to the next page on which was a picture of the letter C. Mrs. Pinch explained that this was the letter C and it was pronounced cee, kuh, or not at all also.
They went like this through the entire alphabet. E, I, O, U, and Y were a real mess. Likewise for G, H, P, Q, and X. Why anyone even used these letters Abnorman didn't know. And neither did anyone else. But in case anyone forgot what they looked like, they were also written in huge letters across the tops of all the walls.
"Now," said Mrs. Pinch, "garble garble bloch frak. For which humm humm goog zorch. The agg sof blib blib, and the yak." Adding, "And so on."
Everyone nodded understandingly.
Mrs. Pinch continued, "There are 26 letters in the alphabet, 21 consonants and 5 vowels, unless you count why. We'll get to them later. Right now---"
Abnorman raised a hand. "Excuse me, Mrs. Pinch?"
"Yes?" said Mrs. Pinch.
"I was just wondering," said Abnorman. "What's all this got to do with saving the universe?"
"Saving the universe?"
"Yes," said Abnorman. It seemed like a perfectly cool question.
But Mrs. Pinch wasn't so sure.
"Yes...well...," said Mrs. Pinch. She stared at Abnorman thoughtfully.
And it suddenly occurred to Abnorman that she hadn't thought about that. And not only that, but no one had thought about saving the universe, either. And they were all staring at him. Because he wasn't cool.
"Yes," said Mrs. Pinch. "Well, saving the universe isn't for just anyone. What's your name?"
Oh boy. Now Abnorman was gonna get it. He could feel them all staring at him, drilling holes in his head, and silently accusing him of not being just anyone. Of not being cool.
He began to sweat, he didn't know what to say. So, because he didn't want them to think that he was trying to be above himself, he said, "Cousin God."
"Well, Cousin God," said Mrs. Pinch, "first you have to know how to spell the universe."
"How do you spell it?" said Abnorman.
She spelled it for him.
"Thank you," said Abnorman. He sat down and everyone quit staring at him. That was good. And he felt even better when he realized later that, in one fell swoop, he had just learned how to spell everything. Maybe no one else cared about saving the universe, but it was a great help in spelling.
Mrs. Pinch continued, "Right now, I'd like all of you to compose a short essay, about 500 words, telling a little about yourself and anything you might have brought along to show us. Raise your hand when you're done."
They all scribbled furiously. A few minutes later, a hand shot up and Mrs. Pinch had him stand up and read.
"My name is Cousin Cosmos," he said.
"Cosmos!" someone said. "Ha, ha! What a stupid name!"
"Please class," said Mrs. Pinch, "let us not interrupt each other. You'll all get your chance to speak in turn. Go ahead, Cousin Cosmos."
"My name is Cousin Cosmos," Cousin Cosmos continued, "and it has been my observation that existence is a relative thing. First is our family, bound by ties of space and time, and then by strangers, many of whom we do not know and yet are drawn towards by the gravity of universal mass. I am reminded every day that all my velocity is based on the frame of reference that other velocities give it, and that I must work constantly to push back all the singularity I have received. I am strongly drawn to curved space and regard Newtonian physics as unjustified and based on force. Umm...that's it for now. I may have more later."
"Very good," said Mrs. Pinch.
Then Cousin Cosmos sat down and everyone stared at him, puzzling over his wild hair and his rumpled coat.
Abnorman turned to the boy next to him and said proudly, "That's my Cousin Cosmos. He's smart."
"Yeah?" said the boy suspiciously.
"Yeah," said Abnorman.
"I hate smart!" someone yelled.
Another hand shot up in class, and a boy stood up and said, "My name is Cousin Expanding---"
"Ha, ha!" said someone. "Expanding. What a stupid name."
"Please, class," said Mrs. Pinch. "Let Cousin Expanding speak. Go ahead, Cousin Expanding."
"My name is Cousin Expanding," said Cousin Expanding, "and I believe in the theory of the Big Bang."
"Big Bang!" said Mrs. Pinch with a start.
"Yes," said Cousin Expanding. "I believe the universe started out as one giant, all encompassing black hole---"
"Black hole!" said Mrs. Pinch alarmedly.
"Yes," said Cousin Expanding. "A natural result of the universal naked singularity---"
"Naked!" said Mrs. Pinch.
"Yes," said Cousin Expanding, "in the first few seconds of time. And not, as some would believe, as a steady state phenomenon. This steady state phenomenon, I believe, is based on a common fallacy---"
"Phallusy!" yelled Mrs. Pinch, jumping out of her chair. "Oh, you naughty boy! Such language! We will have no such language in this class. Now, you sit down and observe your Cousin Cosmos, and maybe you'll learn something."
So Cousin Expanding sat down and was ignored the rest of the day.

Another hand rose, a boy stood up, and he said, "My name is Cousin Shakesdude." He was wearing his usual weird clothes that day: a shirt with puffed shoulders and no sleeves, shorts that bulged at the waist, and shoes with pointy toes.
"To be or not to be," he said, "that is the question. Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take up arms against a bunch of troubles, and by opposing, end them. To die, to sleep, maybe even dream, aye there's the kicker---" 1
"The rub," said Abnorman.
"What?" said Cousin Shakesdude.
"The rub," said Abnorman again.
"The rub what?" said Cousin Shakesdude.
"I don't know," said Abnorman. "There's the rub. It makes sense, dontcha think?"
Cousin Shakesdude looked down at his paper, read it all over again, and said, "Aye, there's the rub...Yes, yes. It does make sense. Thanks, cousin."
"Don't mention it," said Abnorman magnanimously.
"Where'd you get that stupid suit?" someone said from the back. "You look like a sissy."
"I also wroteth a poem," Cousin Shakesdude continued unperturbed. "I calleth it 'The Phoenix and the Turtle.'" He paused, and said, "Let the bird of loudest lay, on the sole Arabian tree---"
"And where'd you get that stupid name?" someone else said. "You dress like a faggot."
Cousin Shakesdude continued, "But thou shrieking harbinger, foul precurrer of the fiend---"
"The faggot writes poems."
"---augur of the fever's end---"
"Faggot, faggot, faggot," the chant rose from the room. "Faggot, faggot, faggot, faggot!"
"Please please," said Mrs. Pinch. "Quiet everyone. That was very good, Cousin Shakesdude. You may sit down."
So Cousin Shakesdude sat down.
The boy next to Abnorman turned and said, "He's your cousin too?"
"Yeah," said Abnorman. "I got lots of cousins. He's from Californaheim."
"Your family's weird," he said.
Yes. Well, what could Abnorman say? This kid would just have to go to Californaheim himself. And then he'd understand.

Another hand shot up and the boy behind Abnorman stood. "My name is Cousin Jesus," he said.
"Aw, Jesus!" someone said.
"Verily," said Cousin Jesus. "I say unto you, ye are the salt of the earth. But if the salt have lose its savor, wherewith shall it be salted?"
"When's the last time you got a haircut?" someone said.
"Thursday," he said.
"What the hell's that you're wearing?" someone else said. "It looks like a dress."
"Judge not according to the appearance," Cousin Jesus continued undaunted. "By their fruits ye shall know them. When it is evening, ye say, it will be fair weather--"
"What is this, a weather report?"
"He that hath ears to hear, let him hear."
"I can hear just fine, weirdo."
"The sower soeth the word," continued Cousin Jesus. "Therefore---"
"Shut up!"
"Shut up!"
"Shut up!"
"Dogs!" yelled Jesus in disgust. And everyone was silent. Then Cousin Jesus looked around the room and said slowly, "I say unto you, he that is without sin, let him cast the first stone." He looked everyone in the eye, pointing. Heh, heh!
"Siddown!"
"Troublemaker!"
"Weirdo!"
Then about ten books went flying through the air and hit him in the head.
"Ow!" said Cousin Jesus. And he sat down.
"Thank you, Cousin Jesus," said Mrs. Pinch. "You may sit down."
Cousin Jesus rubbed his head, turned to Abnorman and said, "I don't get it. It worked two thousand years ago."
"Haha!" said Cousin Satan, and he turned to the kid next to him and said, "Hey kid, wanna play stink finger?"

Then a giant rat walked into the room and sat down next to Abnorman.
This was the first time Abnorman had seen a giant rat since getting off the bus, so he didn't know what to say.
Mrs. Pinch, however, seemed to be used to it. She looked at the giant rat and said, "Excuse me, but who are you?"
"I'm Cousin Dog," said the giant rat.
"You look like a rat to me," said Mrs. Pinch.
"Oh no," said the giant rat. "I'm a dog."
"Very well," said Mrs. Pinch.
But Abnorman wasn't so sure. Whatever rats were supposed to do in a sane world -- munching kids, eating rat heinies, or biting monkey butts -- they weren't supposed to walk into class, say they were a dog, and claim they were his cousin.
Abnorman stood up and yelled, "I protest!" Then he jumped and looked around, alarmed at what he'd said. Fortunately, this was a long time before he would know why. So he continued, "He's not a dog. He's a rat! And not only that, but he's trying to take over the universe!"
"Am not," said Cousin Dog defensively.
"Now really," said Mrs. Pinch admosh...admonoch...admonich... reprovingly. "Dogs aren't trying to take over the universe."
"Dogs is people's best friends," said the giant rat, stumbling over his atrocious spoken and spelled words -- that is, he spoke them atrociously and would have spelled them likewise if he knew how to spell -- and trying to show how deeply he hadn't been hurt and also confused.
"Are not!" said Abnorman.
"Oh, what you said!" said the giant rat.
"Now now," said Mrs. Pinch. "That's not a very nice thing to say. Quiet down, both of you." She turned to the giant rat and said, "Now, Cousin Dog, there seems to be some misunderstanding. Since this is your first day here, perhaps you'd like to tell us your story. About five hundred words will do."
"How many's that?" said the giant rat.
"About five hundred," said Mrs. Pinch.
"Very well," said the giant rat. He couldn't count either.
So Abnorman sat down and the giant rat stood up and said, "My name is Cousin Dog. Lots of people mistake me for a giant rat because I'm actually a chihuahua. Even my parents mistook me for a giant rat and abandoned me when I was just a wee pup." Sniff, sniff. A tear slowly trickled down his hairy cheek, and he paused to wipe it away and continued, "I was left to fend for myself. And so I did. It was a great tragedy, destined to end the course of my entire life. But I prevailed. I lived on whatever I could find. Turds, snot, slime, vomit, there's nothing quite like the smell of fresh vomit, you know. You name it, I ate it. I especially like horse turds. But I can eat anything. I also like fleas and ticks, of which I carry an abundant supply at all times. I love the smell of as--"
"Thank you, Cousin Dog," said Mrs. Pinch hurriedly. "That's really quite---"
"Oh, but there's more," said the giant rat pointedly. "Through all this I had not a friend in the world." He looked around sadly and everyone looked back sadly, and he continued, "I came to believe that existence, not just my existence, but all existence, is merely another form of all forms which inhabit the universe. Space, time, matter, and mind, are thus all forms of the same thing. And existence itself is a form of non-existence. Yes is no, and being is non-being."
"Really?" said Abnorman.
"Really," said the giant rat.
Abnorman thought about this. It was very interesting. Never before had he heard anything so insane, and being insane himself, and having been in fact born insane, it seemed to explain things and at the same time hold promise of forming a workable theory that would link sanity with insanity and...and...something.
"And all of it from eating vomit?" said Abnorman.
"Oh no," said the giant rat. "In fact, it came from just the opposite. And all at once." He paused for theatrical effect, because he liked pauses -- he had four -- and because he like the anticipation of talking about disgusting things, and especially disgusting things that came upon him all at once.
"Ah!" said Abnorman with sudden inspiration. "Non-vomit!"
"Exactly," said the giant rat approvingly. "The phenomenon of being as nothingness." Adding, "Which is kinda like being dead, only you know about it."
"Cool," said Abnorman.
"I noticed it first when I was out for a walk one day and felt the urge to puke," said the giant rat. "Everywhere I looked, I felt like throwing up. And I did, too. On the sidewalk, I threw up. On the bushes, I threw up. On the birds, I threw up. I saw a rat, I threw up. Vomit, puke, gag, uppie chuck everywhere I went...."
A few of the girls began to giggle nervously.
"...I walked into a park and saw an old people sleeping on a bench. I threw up. I saw a tree with all twisty roots. I threw up---"
"Shut up," someone said.
"---I had beans, hamburger, eggs and bacon for breakfast, and I threw it all up."
"Jesus, you're making me sick," said Cousin Jesus.
"I saw my own vomit," the giant rat continued.
"Shut up," said someone.
"It looked good," said the giant rat.
"Shut up."
"But it smelled bad."
"Shut up."
"Which made me hungry."
"Shut up."
"And I wanted to puke."
"Shut up!"
"And then it occurred to me. If I ate the vomit, and puked it up again, would it be more vomit? Yes! Vomit from vomit, and more vomit from more vomit. And the vision of an endless chain of vomitous events, starting here and eventually covering the entire universe, suddenly flooded my non-mind and gave form to the formlessness of my previous non-being. I was suddenly one with the universe! I jumped, I danced, I capered in the grass. Oh joy! Oh rapture! Oh, e vomitus unum!" Adding, "And then I threw up and ate it."
"Someone make him shut up!" everyone yelled.
Yes. They were all looking green under the gills.
"That's very good," said Mrs. pinch. She was starting to look a little green too. "You may sit down."
And so Cousin Dog sat down and stayed.

Everyone seemed to be convinced that Cousin Dog was a dog. But Abnorman remained suspiciously ambiguous. Which was a good thing for the universe, because it insured his continued insanity.
He leaned over to Cousin Dog and said, "So what do you call your theory?"
"Existendal...egstatent...eggsisdent...the Theory of Universal Vomit," said Cousin Dog.
Abnorman thought about that. "Vomit?" he said. "Sounds crazy to me."
"That's because you're all insane," said Cousin Dog confidently.
Ah-ha! thought Abnorman. That made sense! He didn't know if he liked Cousin Dog or not, but he thought he might like to know more about the Theory of Universal Vomit. It showed signs of promise.

The boy next to Abnorman, the one Abnorman had been talking to before he talked to Cousin Dog, stood up and said, "My name is Beef." Beef quickly looked around the room, scowled, and continued, "and anybody who thinks that's a funny name can discuss it with my five friends," and he held up a big, meaty, five-fingered fist. Then he looked around some more and said, "And that's all I gotta say, you know what I'm saying?"
Everyone knew what he was saying, so he sat down.
"Good speech," said Abnorman.
"Thanks."
Then Abnorman was seized with a sudden inspiration to tell the truth, and he stood up.
"My name is Cousin Vito," said Abnorman, "and my family is in the mafia."
"Is not," said a voice. It was Cousin Ananias.
"We kill dudes for money," continued Abnorman. "My Grampa Guido used to be a Don, but now he's retired and spends all his time drinking wine, smoking cigars, watching TV, and talking about the good old days."
"Does not," said Cousin Ananias.
Abnorman stared at Cousin Ananias. What did he know, anyway?
Abnorman continued, "We also have rats." He pulled a dead rat out of his pocket and held it up for everyone to see. He handed it to Beef and said, "Here, pass it around."
"Oh!" said Cousin Dog in fright.
As the rat made its way around the room, Abnorman said, "We had a whole herd of 'em break out of the basement and try to take over the universe. But we killed 'em all and buried 'em in the back yard -- except for the ones we ate."
"You ate a rat?" said Beef.
"Sure," said Abnorman. "I ate two."
"Cannibal!" yelled Cousin Dog.
"Did not," said Cousin Ananias.
"Did too."
"Cannibal!"
"Did not."
"Did too."
Then Abnorman lost his patience. "Jesus!" he said, "you're such a liar."
"Yeah," said Cousin Satan.
"Leave me out of this," said Cousin Jesus.
Then there was a pause, and not knowing what else to say, Abnorman said, "Thank you," and sat down.
Then Beef looked at Abnorman and said, "Wow. Your family kills dudes for money?"
"Sure," said Abnorman.
Beef narrowed his eyes skeptically and said, "Really?"
"Sure," said Abnorman. "Remember that guy nobody liked?"
"Yeah," said Beef vaguely.
"We killed him," said Abnorman.
Which immediately removed all doubt.

A boy on Abnorman's far right stood up and said, "My name is Cousin Horatio. I believe in the rewards of simple virtue, that by being truthful, good, reverent, brave, nice, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, fearless, hard working, dependable, kind, and good, anyone, regardless of their station in life, and with a little luck, may rise to become a millionaire, billionaire, gazillionaire, or even President."
"Good luck," said someone.
Cousin Horatio sat down.
The girl on the other side of Beef stood up and said, "Hi. My name is Gorgeous." And she was, too (for an alien, that is). She had long, blond hair, big beautiful green eyes, and a face like Bridgett Baredot.
"I like big, strong dudes," said Gorgeous, "dudes who will protect me from all the weirdoes---"
"Boo!" said Cousin Weirdo.
"Oh!" said Gorgeous with a jump.
"Hee, hee," said Cousin Weirdo.
"Good going," said Cousin Satan smiling.
Then Beef reached across the aisle and punched Cousin Weirdo hard in the arm.
"Ow!" said Cousin Weirdo. "Why'd you do that?"
"You flinched," said Beef, giving him the hard stare. And then to Gorgeous, he said, smiling, "Hey, babe."
"And that's all," said Gorgeous, and she smiled and sat down.
Everyone stared at Gorgeous, and some boy said, appreciatively, "Ahhhh!"
"Oooooooo!" said some other boy appreciatively also.
"Gaaa!" said a third, appreciatively also even.
"The rewards of simple virtue," said Cousin Horatio proudly.
Abnorman agreed. It was a great day for virtue.

Another boy stood up and said, "My name is Cousin dead, and I like to have sex---"
"AAAAAAA!" screamed Mrs. Pinch, and the room was silent.
"Excuse me," said Cousin Dead. "I was just saying---"
"AAAAAAA!" screamed Mrs. Pinch. "We don't say we have sex!"
"But----"
"We never say we have sex!"
"But----"
"Shut up and sit down!" screamed Mrs. Pinch.
So Cousin Dead shut up and sat down. Which, when you think about it, kinda made sense. Not that I'm complaining.

Anyway, not much happened after that. Nothing any fun, anyway.

Chapter 6 1/2

That afternoon, the King Rat called a second meeting in the basement of Abnorman's house.
"My fellow rats!" he shouted across the great damp hall to a million beady eyes. "I have good news!"
Great cheering and so on.
"Our protégé Cooler is coming along nicely," he continued. "He has taken an interest in art!"
More great cheering, pittypat clapping, and loud guffaws.
"Also literature."
"Haw, haw."
"Civil disobedience."
"Yay!"
"Freudian psychology."
"Ha, ha."
"The devil."
Snickers.
"And the Theory of Universal Vomit!"
Silence.
Then one rat said, "But that's..."
"The cornerstone of our existence," said King Rat solemnly. "Yes..." Solemn thinking all around. "Perhaps they will learn from that." He paused, and added, "And from that, learn to love us." More silence, and then, "It couldn't hurt."
Yeah, right.
And in the intervening silence, one rat said, "E. Vomitus Unum!"
"E. Vomitus Unum!" said another rat.
"E. Vomitus Unum!" said another rat.
And the hall was suddenly filled with the chant, "E. Vomitus Unum! E. Vomitus Unum! E. Vomitus Unum!" And everywhere were rats one.
It was a great day for rats. And vomit.
Then King Rat raised a paw, the chanting died down, and he said, "The next step is to separate him from his remaining beliefs. He must begin to doubt what he sees, what he hears, even what he thinks. To do this, I will need your help."
And here he delineated a complex series of events which would unfold during the remainder of Abnorman's day and into the next.

Very clever, I might add.
Yes. I am humbled by it, even.
Well, almost.

Chapter 7

When Abnorman got home from school that day, there was Mama Cool, working in the kitchen.
He was so happy to see that the giant yellow rat hadn't eaten her, all he could say was, "Mom!" He was so happy to see her that he even forgot to ask her why the giant yellow rat hadn't eaten her. He was so happy, in fact, that he didn't see Daddyo standing behind the door.
Then Daddyo grabbed him, sat him on his chair in the kitchen, and things returned to normal.
Abnorman stared at his plate, and Daddyo stood in the doorway in his suit and tie and with a briefcase in his hand.

Daddyo took out a paper and pencil and said to Mama Cool, "So how many pounds do we have so far?"
Mama Cool opened the refrigerator door and looked inside. "About ten," she said.
"And how much is chicken this week?"
"Ten cents a pound," said Mama Cool.
Daddyo scribbled something on his paper and said, "Good, good. That's a dollar. A dollar saved is a dollar earned."
He thought some more and said, "How much is hamburger?"
"Fifteen cents a pound," said Mama Cool.
Daddyo scribbled some more and then said, "Even better. That's a dollar fifty."
He thought some more and then said, "How much is steak?"
"Fifty cents a pound," said Mama Cool.
Daddyo scribbled some more and then said, "That's better still. If we don't feed them chicken, we save a dollar. If we don't feet them hamburger, we save a dollar-fifty. But if we don't feed them steak, we save five bucks!"

I'd like to point out here that this really is a great way to save money. I myself saved nearly a half a million bucks this year alone by not buying a yacht.
To continue:

Daddyo thought some more and said, "You know, a guy could save a bundle not feeding...uh...that is, somebody could save something, a lot of something, by not doing that...that what-we-were-talking-about thing...by not doing it just right. You know what I mean?" He frowned down at Abnorman.
"Yes dear," said Mama Cool. "Does it say that in the Book?"
"Yes," said Daddyo. "There's a whole section about it by Bumble Dude. He said they make great tax deductions, too." He put away his pencil and paper and looked down at Abnorman again.
"Mama Cool," said Daddyo. "I want you to watch Abnorman while I'm gone and make sure he's tax...I mean, make sure he eats his supper."
"Yes dear," said Mama Cool.
Abnorman shook his head.
"And I want you to make sure he doesn't get down off his chair until he does."
"Yes dear," said Mama Cool.
Daddyo seemed to be uncertain about something here, and the more Abnorman thought about it, the more he began to realize that Mama Cool was the weak link here, which was what Daddyo was worried about.
Then Daddyo said, "I think he should be tied up."
"Aw, Mom," said Abnorman. "I hate being tied up." He couldn't remember ever being tied up, true. But then, if no one ever told him such a thing had never happened, how would he ever know he couldn't remember it? Think about it.
Then Mama Cool said, "But dear, if you tie him up, he won't be able to eat his supper."
"That's true," said Daddyo.
Abnorman thought about this, looked at his supper, and couldn't decide whether he wanted to be tied up or not.
"I'm sure he'll be just fine the way he is," said Mama Cool, smiling sweetly. "Won't you, Abnorman."
"Sure," said Abnorman, smiling back.
"You won't get off your chair while I dust and clean the house, will you?" said Mama Cool sweetly.
"Never," said Abnorman sweetly back.
"And you'll eat all your chicken camuffato while I'm gone, won't you," said Mama Cool sweetly.
"Of course," said Abnorman sweetly back.
"Promise?"
"Promise," said Abnorman. He raised his right hand, put his left hand over his heart, and said, "Cross my heart and hope to die if I'm telling a lie."
Daddyo looked suspiciously at Mama Cool, and Mama Cool smiled back. Daddyo looked suspiciously at Abnorman, and Abnorman smiled back. Then Daddyo frowned, scratched his head, and said, "Oh, yeah."
He ran out to the front room and came back with the Book. He quickly thumbed through it, read it, closed it, pointed a finger at both of them, and let out a huge snort.
"Hah!" And, "Hah!" he said. He scowled, thought a moment, looked back in the Book and said, "Hah!"
Daddyo stomped out of the kitchen, into the cellar, and came up a minute later with a dog chain. He wrapped one end around Abnorman's ankle and secured it with a padlock. Then he wrapped the other end around one leg of the table and secured it likewise. And then he nailed the table to the floor. "Hah!" he said. Then he pocketed the keys to the locks, kissed Mama Cool goodbye, and left.

When Mama Cool came back from seeing Daddyo off, Abnorman said, "Gee, Mom, do you have to do this? I'm not going anywhere." Not now, anyway.
"Now, now," she said sweetly, "it's all for the best." She patted him on the head, waved away the flies, and said, "Think of all the poor children starving in Pazukastoch. They'd love to have your supper to eat."
"Okay," said Abnorman. "Let's pack it up and send it to Pazukastoch."
"No," said Mama Cool. "It's your supper."
"But Mom," Abnorman whined. "I can't eat that."
"Why not?" said Mama Cool.
"Look at it," said Abnorman, pointing.
Mama Cool looked at it. "What's wrong with it?"
"What's wrong with it!?" Abnorman cried. "Why...why...it's full of rats and maggots and flies!" And it stinks! "I can't eat that."
Mama Cool looked around the room, huffed, and said, "You're just being stubborn."
"Am not," said Abnorman.
"And silly," she added sternly. "There's nothing wrong with that."
"But...but...."
"I just made it this morning," she said.
Abnorman stopped. "You did?"
"Certainly," said Mama Cool.
Abnorman looked at his plate. "But how can that be? It's...it's...," disgusting! "It's full of rats and maggots and flies!"
"Now that's not a very nice thing to say," said Mama Cool, frowning. "Would I feed you rats and maggots and flies?"
"Well...," said Abnorman uncertainly.
"Well?"
Then Abnorman began to feel bad. He dropped his head, stared down at the floor, and said in a small, small voice, "No."
Of course not. It was unthinkable.
"Thank you for that much," said Mama Cool with just a touch of pique.
Then Abnorman, with his head still hung in shame, looked up at his plate through his guilt-ridden eyebrows, and said, "But I can still see it."
"What do you see?" said Mama Cool patiently.
"Rats and maggots and flies," said Abnorman.
"Oh, you're just impossible!" said Mama Cool. She threw her dish rag on the table and crossed her arms. "This whole thing is ridiculous. I've never seen such a little kid act like...a little kid!" She scowled at Abnorman and said, "I guess the only way to prove it to you is to show you myself."
And then, before Abnorman could think about what she had just said, she picked up his fork, jabbed it into his supper, rolled it around, and pulled out a huge gob of chicken/rat camuffato-whatever. It was crawling with maggots and stinking with putrefying rat meat. Strands of gray spaghetti stuck out from it in eternal rigor mortis, and a cloud of blue bottle flies buzzed angrily around it.
Then she put it into her mouth, pulled out the fork, and chewed.
Crunch, crunch, crunch.
Abnorman's eyes bugged out.
Mama Cool continued to chew. Crunch, crunch, crunch. Most of the flies escaped, and a lone maggot tried to crawl away on her cheek, but she slurped it up with her tongue and ate that too.
Abnorman's mouth hung open.
Mama Cool smiled, showing her teeth, and Abnorman could see a hundred little half-maggots squirming on her gums and yelling, "No! No! Yaaaaaa! No!"
Abnorman's tongue hung out.
Then Mama Cool swallowed and washed it all down with a glass of curdled milk.
Gulp. Burp. Aaaah.
"There," she said, putting the fork back on Abnorman's plate. "Happy now?"
"Yaaaa!" yelled Abnorman. He jumped and shrank as far back in his seat as he could get. He tried to say something else, anything but "Yaaaa!" and couldn't. He thought he was going to puke.
No one had ever told him such a thing was possible.
Then his stomach lurched and did a belly flop inside, and his heart sank with sudden comprehension: if Mama Cool could eat rats and maggots and flies without a second glance, he was DOOMED!
"Ohhhh," he moaned, rolling his head and gripping his chest and stomach all at once. "Oh, gukk."
Then Mama Cool said, "Now you be a good dude, eat your chicken camuffato, and I'll be back to see how you've done. And when this is all over, you can have some milk and cookies and watch TV. Yo Dummy's on in a little while. I have to go clean the house now." And she left.

Abnorman sat in his chair with his eyes closed and watched Mama Cool's gastronomic triumph silently repeat itself over and over in his brain. He didn't know what to think.
If this was to be his part in the war to save the universe, he'd rather crunch his way through a sea of writhing cockroaches. He'd rather bathe in a tub of deviled slugs and eat turnips and fried mush. He'd rather...ugg...kiss a girl.
Maybe.
No, that was too much.
He'd have to think about it.
No.
He didn't know anything.

And slowly, Abnorman began to recover. He didn't know if he would ever recover completely, but he did know what he saw when he opened his eyes, and what he saw was a plate full of rats and maggots and flies. And he wasn't eating it.
No.
Not ever.
Never.
As for what Mama Cool had said, he couldn't believe she actually thought he liked Yo Dummy. That was yesterday. Today he didn't like Yo Dummy. And why? Because Yo was a dummy, that's why. YO didn't have to eat rats and maggots and flies. All he had to do was hang there on strings. He didn't even have to talk. Buffalo Chips talked for him, and Buffalo Chips didn't even try to hide it. A kid had to be blind not to see Buffalo Chips' mouth move when Yo Dummy talked, and a kid had to be a total dummy not to know that Yo Dummy was just a big dummy on strings and not a real dude kid.
He wouldn't watch Yo Dummy if he did eat rats and maggots and flies.
He bet Yo never even shot anyone, either.

(to be continued)

copyright 1998, 2000
by Scott Montelauro
I do now put this work in public domain.

Author's note: this is a work of fiction. All characters and events portrayed in this work are fictional, and any resemblance to real life hypocrites, bullies, and liars is merely coincidental.

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>Cool Universe >by >mirror man > >Chapter 6 > > > > Now comes the great event that everyone on Planet >Cool shared at least once in their lives: structured >learning. Institutional, even. If there was any one >thing that could be pointed to, besides his home life, >that one could say had a definite influence on >Abnorman's life, school was it. Whether it was a good >or bad influence has yet to be determined. But in any >case, it was there. And Abnorman went. > > When Abnorman arrived at school, everyone was >standing in line, walking into school. So he got in >line and walked in too. It just seemed like the cool >thing to do. > He walked into a large room with a zillion >chairs, and a big lady behind a desk began calling out >names. > "Snot!" she said. > Abnorman jumped, but she wasn't talking to him. > "Here," said Snot, stepping forward. > "First seat, first row," she said, pointing. > Snot took his seat and sat down. > "Dummy!" she said. > Abnorman jumped again, but she wasn't talking to >him again. > "Here," said Dummy, stepping forward. > "Second seat, first row," she said, pointing. > Dummy took his seat and sat down. > "Dopey!" she said. > By this time, Abnorman was starting to get the >idea, so he didn't jump anymore. > "Here," said Dopey. > "Third seat, first row," she said, pointing. > Dopey took his seat and sat down. > And so it went. There were also Snoozy, Sleazy, >Grumbly, Grovel, Hammer, Beef, Crazy, Paranoid, >Schizoid, Tricky, Cinderella, Cheerleader, Sneerly, >Pretty Boy, Gorgeous, and lots and lots of cousins: >Henry, Mozart, Jesus, God, Shakesdude, Dead, Id, Van >Ghost, and Cosmos. To name a few. > It was a big class. Very crowded. Fortunately, >Abnorman would soon discover that half of these kids >would either die or disappear, and then there would be >more room. That's the way it worked. > When everyone was seated, the lady introduced >herself. > "My name is Mrs. Pinch," she said. "I will be >your teacher for Coolish, Spelling, Grammar, and >Language. You all have a book under your chair. So I >want you all to take out your Coolish books now and >turn to page one." > Everyone took out their books, turned to page >one, and there was a picture of the letter A. Mrs. >Pinch explained that this was the letter A and that it >was pronounced aay, aah, aaa, and so on. Then they >all turned to the next page on which was a picture of >the letter B. Mrs. Pinch explained that this was the >letter B and that it was pronounced bee, buh, and >sometimes not at all. Then they turned to the next >page on which was a picture of the letter C. Mrs. >Pinch explained that this was the letter C and it was >pronounced cee, kuh, or not at all also. > They went like this through the entire alphabet. >E, I, O, U, and Y were a real mess. Likewise for G, >H, P, Q, and X. Why anyone even used these letters >Abnorman didn't know. And neither did anyone else. >But in case anyone forgot what they looked like, they >were also written in huge letters across the tops of >all the walls. > "Now," said Mrs. Pinch, "garble garble bloch >frak. For which humm humm goog zorch. The agg sof >blib blib, and the yak." Adding, "And so on." > Everyone nodded understandingly. > Mrs. Pinch continued, "There are 26 letters in >the alphabet, 21 consonants and 5 vowels, unless you >count why. We'll get to them later. Right now---" > Abnorman raised a hand. "Excuse me, Mrs. Pinch?" > "Yes?" said Mrs. Pinch. > "I was just wondering," said Abnorman. "What's >all this got to do with saving the universe?" > "Saving the universe?" > "Yes," said Abnorman. It seemed like a perfectly >cool question. > But Mrs. Pinch wasn't so sure. > "Yes...well...," said Mrs. Pinch. She stared at >Abnorman thoughtfully. > And it suddenly occurred to Abnorman that she >hadn't thought about that. And not only that, but no >one had thought about saving the universe, either. >And they were all staring at him. Because he wasn't >cool. > "Yes," said Mrs. Pinch. "Well, saving the >universe isn't for just anyone. What's your name?" > Oh boy. Now Abnorman was gonna get it. He could >feel them all staring at him, drilling holes in his >head, and silently accusing him of not being just >anyone. Of not being cool. > He began to sweat, he didn't know what to say. >So, because he didn't want them to think that he was >trying to be above himself, he said, "Cousin God." > "Well, Cousin God," said Mrs. Pinch, "first you >have to know how to spell the universe." > "How do you spell it?" said Abnorman. > She spelled it for him. > "Thank you," said Abnorman. He sat down and >everyone quit staring at him. That was good. And he >felt even better when he realized later that, in one >fell swoop, he had just learned how to spell >everything. Maybe no one else cared about saving the >universe, but it was a great help in spelling. > Mrs. Pinch continued, "Right now, I'd like all of >you to compose a short essay, about 500 words, telling >a little about yourself and anything you might have >brought along to show us. Raise your hand when you're >done." > They all scribbled furiously. A few minutes >later, a hand shot up and Mrs. Pinch had him stand up >and read. > "My name is Cousin Cosmos," he said. > "Cosmos!" someone said. "Ha, ha! What a stupid >name!" > "Please class," said Mrs. Pinch, "let us not >interrupt each other. You'll all get your chance to >speak in turn. Go ahead, Cousin Cosmos." > "My name is Cousin Cosmos," Cousin Cosmos >continued, "and it has been my observation that >existence is a relative thing. First is our family, >bound by ties of space and time, and then by >strangers, many of whom we do not know and yet are >drawn towards by the gravity of universal mass. I am >reminded every day that all my velocity is based on >the frame of reference that other velocities give it, >and that I must work constantly to push back all the >singularity I have received. I am strongly drawn to >curved space and regard Newtonian physics as >unjustified and based on force. Umm...that's it for >now. I may have more later." > "Very good," said Mrs. Pinch. > Then Cousin Cosmos sat down and everyone stared >at him, puzzling over his wild hair and his rumpled >coat. > Abnorman turned to the boy next to him and said >proudly, "That's my Cousin Cosmos. He's smart." > "Yeah?" said the boy suspiciously. > "Yeah," said Abnorman. > "I hate smart!" someone yelled. > Another hand shot up in class, and a boy stood up >and said, "My name is Cousin Expanding---" > "Ha, ha!" said someone. "Expanding. What a >stupid name." > "Please, class," said Mrs. Pinch. "Let Cousin >Expanding speak. Go ahead, Cousin Expanding." > "My name is Cousin Expanding," said Cousin >Expanding, "and I believe in the theory of the Big >Bang." > "Big Bang!" said Mrs. Pinch with a start. > "Yes," said Cousin Expanding. "I believe the >universe started out as one giant, all encompassing >black hole---" > "Black hole!" said Mrs. Pinch alarmedly. > "Yes," said Cousin Expanding. "A natural result >of the universal naked singularity---" > "Naked!" said Mrs. Pinch. > "Yes," said Cousin Expanding, "in the first few >seconds of time. And not, as some would believe, as a >steady state phenomenon. This steady state >phenomenon, I believe, is based on a common fallacy---" > "Phallusy!" yelled Mrs. Pinch, jumping out of her >chair. "Oh, you naughty boy! Such language! We will >have no such language in this class. Now, you sit >down and observe your Cousin Cosmos, and maybe you'll >learn something." > So Cousin Expanding sat down and was ignored the >rest of the day. > > Another hand rose, a boy stood up, and he said, >"My name is Cousin Shakesdude." He was wearing his >usual weird clothes that day: a shirt with puffed >shoulders and no sleeves, shorts that bulged at the >waist, and shoes with pointy toes. > "To be or not to be," he said, "that is the >question. Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer >the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to >take up arms against a bunch of troubles, and by >opposing, end them. To die, to sleep, maybe even >dream, aye there's the kicker---" 1 > "The rub," said Abnorman. > "What?" said Cousin Shakesdude. > "The rub," said Abnorman again. > "The rub what?" said Cousin Shakesdude. > "I don't know," said Abnorman. "There's the rub. > It makes sense, dontcha think?" > Cousin Shakesdude looked down at his paper, read >it all over again, and said, "Aye, there's the >rub...Yes, yes. It does make sense. Thanks, cousin." > "Don't mention it," said Abnorman magnanimously. > "Where'd you get that stupid suit?" someone said >from the back. "You look like a sissy." > "I also wroteth a poem," Cousin Shakesdude >continued unperturbed. "I calleth it 'The Phoenix and >the Turtle.'" He paused, and said, "Let the bird of >loudest lay, on the sole Arabian tree---" > "And where'd you get that stupid name?" someone >else said. "You dress like a faggot." > Cousin Shakesdude continued, "But thou shrieking >harbinger, foul precurrer of the fiend---" > "The faggot writes poems." > "---augur of the fever's end---" > "Faggot, faggot, faggot," the chant rose from the >room. "Faggot, faggot, faggot, faggot!" > "Please please," said Mrs. Pinch. "Quiet >everyone. That was very good, Cousin Shakesdude. You >may sit down." > So Cousin Shakesdude sat down. > The boy next to Abnorman turned and said, "He's >your cousin too?" > "Yeah," said Abnorman. "I got lots of cousins. >He's from Californaheim." > "Your family's weird," he said. > Yes. Well, what could Abnorman say? This kid >would just have to go to Californaheim himself. And >then he'd understand. > > Another hand shot up and the boy behind Abnorman >stood. "My name is Cousin Jesus," he said. > "Aw, Jesus!" someone said. > "Verily," said Cousin Jesus. "I say unto you, ye >are the salt of the earth. But if the salt have lose >its savor, wherewith shall it be salted?" > "When's the last time you got a haircut?" someone >said. > "Thursday," he said. > "What the hell's that you're wearing?" someone >else said. "It looks like a dress." > "Judge not according to the appearance," Cousin >Jesus continued undaunted. "By their fruits ye shall >know them. When it is evening, ye say, it will be >fair weather--" > "What is this, a weather report?" > "He that hath ears to hear, let him hear." > "I can hear just fine, weirdo." > "The sower soeth the word," continued Cousin >Jesus. "Therefore---" > "Shut up!" > "Shut up!" > "Shut up!" > "Dogs!" yelled Jesus in disgust. And everyone >was silent. Then Cousin Jesus looked around the room >and said slowly, "I say unto you, he that is without >sin, let him cast the first stone." He looked >everyone in the eye, pointing. Heh, heh! > "Siddown!" > "Troublemaker!" > "Weirdo!" > Then about ten books went flying through the air >and hit him in the head. > "Ow!" said Cousin Jesus. And he sat down. > "Thank you, Cousin Jesus," said Mrs. Pinch. "You >may sit down." > Cousin Jesus rubbed his head, turned to Abnorman >and said, "I don't get it. It worked two thousand >years ago." > "Haha!" said Cousin Satan, and he turned to the >kid next to him and said, "Hey kid, wanna play stink >finger?" > > Then a giant rat walked into the room and sat >down next to Abnorman. > This was the first time Abnorman had seen a giant >rat since getting off the bus, so he didn't know what >to say. > Mrs. Pinch, however, seemed to be used to it. >She looked at the giant rat and said, "Excuse me, but >who are you?" > "I'm Cousin Dog," said the giant rat. > "You look like a rat to me," said Mrs. Pinch. > "Oh no," said the giant rat. "I'm a dog." > "Very well," said Mrs. Pinch. > But Abnorman wasn't so sure. Whatever rats were >supposed to do in a sane world -- munching kids, >eating rat heinies, or biting monkey butts -- they >weren't supposed to walk into class, say they were a >dog, and claim they were his cousin. > Abnorman stood up and yelled, "I protest!" Then >he jumped and looked around, alarmed at what he'd >said. Fortunately, this was a long time before he >would know why. So he continued, "He's not a dog. >He's a rat! And not only that, but he's trying to >take over the universe!" > "Am not," said Cousin Dog defensively. > "Now really," said Mrs. Pinch >admosh...admonoch...admonich... reprovingly. "Dogs >aren't trying to take over the universe." > "Dogs is people's best friends," said the giant >rat, stumbling over his atrocious spoken and spelled >words -- that is, he spoke them atrociously and would >have spelled them likewise if he knew how to spell -- >and trying to show how deeply he hadn't been hurt and >also confused. > "Are not!" said Abnorman. > "Oh, what you said!" said the giant rat. > "Now now," said Mrs. Pinch. "That's not a very >nice thing to say. Quiet down, both of you." She >turned to the giant rat and said, "Now, Cousin Dog, >there seems to be some misunderstanding. Since this >is your first day here, perhaps you'd like to tell us >your story. About five hundred words will do." > "How many's that?" said the giant rat. > "About five hundred," said Mrs. Pinch. > "Very well," said the giant rat. He couldn't >count either. > So Abnorman sat down and the giant rat stood up >and said, "My name is Cousin Dog. Lots of people >mistake me for a giant rat because I'm actually a >chihuahua. Even my parents mistook me for a giant rat >and abandoned me when I was just a wee pup." Sniff, >sniff. A tear slowly trickled down his hairy cheek, >and he paused to wipe it away and continued, "I was >left to fend for myself. And so I did. It was a >great tragedy, destined to end the course of my entire >life. But I prevailed. I lived on whatever I could >find. Turds, snot, slime, vomit, there's nothing >quite like the smell of fresh vomit, you know. You >name it, I ate it. I especially like horse turds. >But I can eat anything. I also like fleas and ticks, >of which I carry an abundant supply at all times. I >love the smell of as--" > "Thank you, Cousin Dog," said Mrs. Pinch >hurriedly. "That's really quite---" > "Oh, but there's more," said the giant rat >pointedly. "Through all this I had not a friend in >the world." He looked around sadly and everyone >looked back sadly, and he continued, "I came to >believe that existence, not just my existence, but all >existence, is merely another form of all forms which >inhabit the universe. Space, time, matter, and mind, >are thus all forms of the same thing. And existence >itself is a form of non-existence. Yes is no, and >being is non-being." > "Really?" said Abnorman. > "Really," said the giant rat. > Abnorman thought about this. It was very >interesting. Never before had he heard anything so >insane, and being insane himself, and having been in >fact born insane, it seemed to explain things and at >the same time hold promise of forming a workable >theory that would link sanity with insanity >and...and...something. > "And all of it from eating vomit?" said Abnorman. > "Oh no," said the giant rat. "In fact, it came >from just the opposite. And all at once." He paused >for theatrical effect, because he liked pauses -- he >had four -- and because he like the anticipation of >talking about disgusting things, and especially >disgusting things that came upon him all at once. > "Ah!" said Abnorman with sudden inspiration. >"Non-vomit!" > "Exactly," said the giant rat approvingly. "The >phenomenon of being as nothingness." Adding, "Which >is kinda like being dead, only you know about it." > "Cool," said Abnorman. > "I noticed it first when I was out for a walk one >day and felt the urge to puke," said the giant rat. >"Everywhere I looked, I felt like throwing up. And I >did, too. On the sidewalk, I threw up. On the >bushes, I threw up. On the birds, I threw up. I saw >a rat, I threw up. Vomit, puke, gag, uppie chuck >everywhere I went...." > A few of the girls began to giggle nervously. > "...I walked into a park and saw an old people >sleeping on a bench. I threw up. I saw a tree with >all twisty roots. I threw up---" > "Shut up," someone said. > "---I had beans, hamburger, eggs and bacon for >breakfast, and I threw it all up." > "Jesus, you're making me sick," said Cousin Jesus. > "I saw my own vomit," the giant rat continued. > "Shut up," said someone. > "It looked good," said the giant rat. > "Shut up." > "But it smelled bad." > "Shut up." > "Which made me hungry." > "Shut up." > "And I wanted to puke." > "Shut up!" > "And then it occurred to me. If I ate the vomit, >and puked it up again, would it be more vomit? Yes! >Vomit from vomit, and more vomit from more vomit. And >the vision of an endless chain of vomitous events, >starting here and eventually covering the entire >universe, suddenly flooded my non-mind and gave form >to the formlessness of my previous non-being. I was >suddenly one with the universe! I jumped, I danced, I >capered in the grass. Oh joy! Oh rapture! Oh, e >vomitus unum!" Adding, "And then I threw up and ate >it." > "Someone make him shut up!" everyone yelled. > Yes. They were all looking green under the gills. > "That's very good," said Mrs. pinch. She was >starting to look a little green too. "You may sit >down." > And so Cousin Dog sat down and stayed. > > Everyone seemed to be convinced that Cousin Dog >was a dog. But Abnorman remained suspiciously >ambiguous. Which was a good thing for the universe, >because it insured his continued insanity. > He leaned over to Cousin Dog and said, "So what >do you call your theory?" > "Existendal...egstatent...eggsisdent...the Theory >of Universal Vomit," said Cousin Dog. > Abnorman thought about that. "Vomit?" he said. >"Sounds crazy to me." > "That's because you're all insane," said Cousin >Dog confidently. > Ah-ha! thought Abnorman. That made sense! He >didn't know if he liked Cousin Dog or not, but he >thought he might like to know more about the Theory of >Universal Vomit. It showed signs of promise. > > The boy next to Abnorman, the one Abnorman had >been talking to before he talked to Cousin Dog, stood >up and said, "My name is Beef." Beef quickly looked >around the room, scowled, and continued, "and anybody >who thinks that's a funny name can discuss it with my >five friends," and he held up a big, meaty, >five-fingered fist. Then he looked around some more >and said, "And that's all I gotta say, you know what >I'm saying?" > Everyone knew what he was saying, so he sat down. > "Good speech," said Abnorman. > "Thanks." > Then Abnorman was seized with a sudden >inspiration to tell the truth, and he stood up. > "My name is Cousin Vito," said Abnorman, "and my >family is in the mafia." > "Is not," said a voice. It was Cousin Ananias. > "We kill dudes for money," continued Abnorman. >"My Grampa Guido used to be a Don, but now he's >retired and spends all his time drinking wine, smoking >cigars, watching TV, and talking about the good old >days." > "Does not," said Cousin Ananias. > Abnorman stared at Cousin Ananias. What did he >know, anyway? > Abnorman continued, "We also have rats." He >pulled a dead rat out of his pocket and held it up for >everyone to see. He handed it to Beef and said, >"Here, pass it around." > "Oh!" said Cousin Dog in fright. > As the rat made its way around the room, Abnorman >said, "We had a whole herd of 'em break out of the >basement and try to take over the universe. But we >killed 'em all and buried 'em in the back yard -- >except for the ones we ate." > "You ate a rat?" said Beef. > "Sure," said Abnorman. "I ate two." > "Cannibal!" yelled Cousin Dog. > "Did not," said Cousin Ananias. > "Did too." > "Cannibal!" > "Did not." > "Did too." > Then Abnorman lost his patience. "Jesus!" he >said, "you're such a liar." > "Yeah," said Cousin Satan. > "Leave me out of this," said Cousin Jesus. > Then there was a pause, and not knowing what else >to say, Abnorman said, "Thank you," and sat down. > Then Beef looked at Abnorman and said, "Wow. >Your family kills dudes for money?" > "Sure," said Abnorman. > Beef narrowed his eyes skeptically and said, >"Really?" > "Sure," said Abnorman. "Remember that guy nobody >liked?" > "Yeah," said Beef vaguely. > "We killed him," said Abnorman. > Which immediately removed all doubt. > > A boy on Abnorman's far right stood up and said, >"My name is Cousin Horatio. I believe in the rewards >of simple virtue, that by being truthful, good, >reverent, brave, nice, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, >fearless, hard working, dependable, kind, and good, >anyone, regardless of their station in life, and with >a little luck, may rise to become a millionaire, >billionaire, gazillionaire, or even President." > "Good luck," said someone. > Cousin Horatio sat down. > The girl on the other side of Beef stood up and >said, "Hi. My name is Gorgeous." And she was, too >(for an alien, that is). She had long, blond hair, >big beautiful green eyes, and a face like Bridgett >Baredot. > "I like big, strong dudes," said Gorgeous, "dudes >who will protect me from all the weirdoes---" > "Boo!" said Cousin Weirdo. > "Oh!" said Gorgeous with a jump. > "Hee, hee," said Cousin Weirdo. > "Good going," said Cousin Satan smiling. > Then Beef reached across the aisle and punched >Cousin Weirdo hard in the arm. > "Ow!" said Cousin Weirdo. "Why'd you do that?" > "You flinched," said Beef, giving him the hard >stare. And then to Gorgeous, he said, smiling, "Hey, >babe." > "And that's all," said Gorgeous, and she smiled >and sat down. > Everyone stared at Gorgeous, and some boy said, >appreciatively, "Ahhhh!" > "Oooooooo!" said some other boy appreciatively >also. > "Gaaa!" said a third, appreciatively also even. > "The rewards of simple virtue," said Cousin >Horatio proudly. > Abnorman agreed. It was a great day for virtue. > > Another boy stood up and said, "My name is Cousin >dead, and I like to have sex---" > "AAAAAAA!" screamed Mrs. Pinch, and the room was >silent. > "Excuse me," said Cousin Dead. "I was just >saying---" > "AAAAAAA!" screamed Mrs. Pinch. "We don't say we >have sex!" > "But----" > "We never say we have sex!" > "But----" > "Shut up and sit down!" screamed Mrs. Pinch. > So Cousin Dead shut up and sat down. Which, when >you think about it, kinda made sense. Not that I'm >complaining. > > Anyway, not much happened after that. Nothing >any fun, anyway. > > >Chapter 6 1/2 > > That afternoon, the King Rat called a second >meeting in the basement of Abnorman's house. > "My fellow rats!" he shouted across the great >damp hall to a million beady eyes. "I have good news!" > Great cheering and so on. > "Our protégé Cooler is coming along nicely," he >continued. "He has taken an interest in art!" > More great cheering, pittypat clapping, and loud >guffaws. > "Also literature." > "Haw, haw." > "Civil disobedience." > "Yay!" > "Freudian psychology." > "Ha, ha." > "The devil." > Snickers. > "And the Theory of Universal Vomit!" > Silence. > Then one rat said, "But that's..." > "The cornerstone of our existence," said King Rat >solemnly. "Yes..." Solemn thinking all around. >"Perhaps they will learn from that." He paused, and >added, "And from that, learn to love us." More >silence, and then, "It couldn't hurt." > Yeah, right. > And in the intervening silence, one rat said, "E. >Vomitus Unum!" > "E. Vomitus Unum!" said another rat. > "E. Vomitus Unum!" said another rat. > And the hall was suddenly filled with the chant, >"E. Vomitus Unum! E. Vomitus Unum! E. Vomitus Unum!" > And everywhere were rats one. > It was a great day for rats. And vomit. > Then King Rat raised a paw, the chanting died >down, and he said, "The next step is to separate him >from his remaining beliefs. He must begin to doubt >what he sees, what he hears, even what he thinks. To >do this, I will need your help." > And here he delineated a complex series of events >which would unfold during the remainder of Abnorman's >day and into the next. > > Very clever, I might add. > Yes. I am humbled by it, even. > Well, almost. > > >Chapter 7 > > When Abnorman got home from school that day, >there was Mama Cool, working in the kitchen. > He was so happy to see that the giant yellow rat >hadn't eaten her, all he could say was, "Mom!" He was >so happy to see her that he even forgot to ask her why >the giant yellow rat hadn't eaten her. He was so >happy, in fact, that he didn't see Daddyo standing >behind the door. > Then Daddyo grabbed him, sat him on his chair in >the kitchen, and things returned to normal. > Abnorman stared at his plate, and Daddyo stood in >the doorway in his suit and tie and with a briefcase >in his hand. > > Daddyo took out a paper and pencil and said to >Mama Cool, "So how many pounds do we have so far?" > Mama Cool opened the refrigerator door and looked >inside. "About ten," she said. > "And how much is chicken this week?" > "Ten cents a pound," said Mama Cool. > Daddyo scribbled something on his paper and said, >"Good, good. That's a dollar. A dollar saved is a >dollar earned." > He thought some more and said, "How much is >hamburger?" > "Fifteen cents a pound," said Mama Cool. > Daddyo scribbled some more and then said, "Even >better. That's a dollar fifty." > He thought some more and then said, "How much is >steak?" > "Fifty cents a pound," said Mama Cool. > Daddyo scribbled some more and then said, "That's >better still. If we don't feed them chicken, we save >a dollar. If we don't feet them hamburger, we save a >dollar-fifty. But if we don't feed them steak, we >save five bucks!" > > I'd like to point out here that this really is a >great way to save money. I myself saved nearly a half >a million bucks this year alone by not buying a yacht. > To continue: > > Daddyo thought some more and said, "You know, a >guy could save a bundle not feeding...uh...that is, >somebody could save something, a lot of something, by >not doing that...that what-we-were-talking-about >thing...by not doing it just right. You know what I >mean?" He frowned down at Abnorman. > "Yes dear," said Mama Cool. "Does it say that in >the Book?" > "Yes," said Daddyo. "There's a whole section >about it by Bumble Dude. He said they make great tax >deductions, too." He put away his pencil and paper >and looked down at Abnorman again. > "Mama Cool," said Daddyo. "I want you to watch >Abnorman while I'm gone and make sure he's tax...I >mean, make sure he eats his supper." > "Yes dear," said Mama Cool. > Abnorman shook his head. > "And I want you to make sure he doesn't get down >off his chair until he does." > "Yes dear," said Mama Cool. > Daddyo seemed to be uncertain about something >here, and the more Abnorman thought about it, the more >he began to realize that Mama Cool was the weak link >here, which was what Daddyo was worried about. > Then Daddyo said, "I think he should be tied up." > "Aw, Mom," said Abnorman. "I hate being tied >up." He couldn't remember ever being tied up, true. >But then, if no one ever told him such a thing had >never happened, how would he ever know he couldn't >remember it? Think about it. > Then Mama Cool said, "But dear, if you tie him >up, he won't be able to eat his supper." > "That's true," said Daddyo. > Abnorman thought about this, looked at his >supper, and couldn't decide whether he wanted to be >tied up or not. > "I'm sure he'll be just fine the way he is," said >Mama Cool, smiling sweetly. "Won't you, Abnorman." > "Sure," said Abnorman, smiling back. > "You won't get off your chair while I dust and >clean the house, will you?" said Mama Cool sweetly. > "Never," said Abnorman sweetly back. > "And you'll eat all your chicken camuffato while >I'm gone, won't you," said Mama Cool sweetly. > "Of course," said Abnorman sweetly back. > "Promise?" > "Promise," said Abnorman. He raised his right >hand, put his left hand over his heart, and said, >"Cross my heart and hope to die if I'm telling a lie." > Daddyo looked suspiciously at Mama Cool, and Mama >Cool smiled back. Daddyo looked suspiciously at >Abnorman, and Abnorman smiled back. Then Daddyo >frowned, scratched his head, and said, "Oh, yeah." > He ran out to the front room and came back with >the Book. He quickly thumbed through it, read it, >closed it, pointed a finger at both of them, and let >out a huge snort. > "Hah!" And, "Hah!" he said. He scowled, >thought a moment, looked back in the Book and said, >"Hah!" > Daddyo stomped out of the kitchen, into the >cellar, and came up a minute later with a dog chain. >He wrapped one end around Abnorman's ankle and secured >it with a padlock. Then he wrapped the other end >around one leg of the table and secured it likewise. >And then he nailed the table to the floor. "Hah!" he >said. Then he pocketed the keys to the locks, kissed >Mama Cool goodbye, and left. > > When Mama Cool came back from seeing Daddyo off, >Abnorman said, "Gee, Mom, do you have to do this? I'm >not going anywhere." Not now, anyway. > "Now, now," she said sweetly, "it's all for the >best." She patted him on the head, waved away the >flies, and said, "Think of all the poor children >starving in Pazukastoch. They'd love to have your >supper to eat." > "Okay," said Abnorman. "Let's pack it up and >send it to Pazukastoch." > "No," said Mama Cool. "It's your supper." > "But Mom," Abnorman whined. "I can't eat that." > "Why not?" said Mama Cool. > "Look at it," said Abnorman, pointing. > Mama Cool looked at it. "What's wrong with it?" > "What's wrong with it!?" Abnorman cried. >"Why...why...it's full of rats and maggots and flies!" > And it stinks! "I can't eat that." > Mama Cool looked around the room, huffed, and >said, "You're just being stubborn." > "Am not," said Abnorman. > "And silly," she added sternly. "There's nothing >wrong with that." > "But...but...." > "I just made it this morning," she said. > Abnorman stopped. "You did?" > "Certainly," said Mama Cool. > Abnorman looked at his plate. "But how can that >be? It's...it's...," disgusting! "It's full of rats >and maggots and flies!" > "Now that's not a very nice thing to say," said >Mama Cool, frowning. "Would I feed you rats and >maggots and flies?" > "Well...," said Abnorman uncertainly. > "Well?" > Then Abnorman began to feel bad. He dropped his >head, stared down at the floor, and said in a small, >small voice, "No." > Of course not. It was unthinkable. > "Thank you for that much," said Mama Cool with >just a touch of pique. > Then Abnorman, with his head still hung in shame, >looked up at his plate through his guilt-ridden >eyebrows, and said, "But I can still see it." > "What do you see?" said Mama Cool patiently. > "Rats and maggots and flies," said Abnorman. > "Oh, you're just impossible!" said Mama Cool. >She threw her dish rag on the table and crossed her >arms. "This whole thing is ridiculous. I've never >seen such a little kid act like...a little kid!" She >scowled at Abnorman and said, "I guess the only way to >prove it to you is to show you myself." > And then, before Abnorman could think about what >she had just said, she picked up his fork, jabbed it >into his supper, rolled it around, and pulled out a >huge gob of chicken/rat camuffato-whatever. It was >crawling with maggots and stinking with putrefying rat >meat. Strands of gray spaghetti stuck out from it in >eternal rigor mortis, and a cloud of blue bottle flies >buzzed angrily around it. > Then she put it into her mouth, pulled out the >fork, and chewed. > Crunch, crunch, crunch. > Abnorman's eyes bugged out. > Mama Cool continued to chew. Crunch, crunch, >crunch. Most of the flies escaped, and a lone maggot >tried to crawl away on her cheek, but she slurped it >up with her tongue and ate that too. > Abnorman's mouth hung open. > Mama Cool smiled, showing her teeth, and Abnorman >could see a hundred little half-maggots squirming on >her gums and yelling, "No! No! Yaaaaaa! No!" > Abnorman's tongue hung out. > Then Mama Cool swallowed and washed it all down >with a glass of curdled milk. > Gulp. Burp. Aaaah. > "There," she said, putting the fork back on >Abnorman's plate. "Happy now?" > "Yaaaa!" yelled Abnorman. He jumped and shrank >as far back in his seat as he could get. He tried to >say something else, anything but "Yaaaa!" and >couldn't. He thought he was going to puke. > No one had ever told him such a thing was >possible. > Then his stomach lurched and did a belly flop >inside, and his heart sank with sudden comprehension: >if Mama Cool could eat rats and maggots and flies >without a second glance, he was DOOMED! > "Ohhhh," he moaned, rolling his head and gripping >his chest and stomach all at once. "Oh, gukk." > Then Mama Cool said, "Now you be a good dude, eat >your chicken camuffato, and I'll be back to see how >you've done. And when this is all over, you can have >some milk and cookies and watch TV. Yo Dummy's on in >a little while. I have to go clean the house now." >And she left. > > Abnorman sat in his chair with his eyes closed >and watched Mama Cool's gastronomic triumph silently >repeat itself over and over in his brain. He didn't >know what to think. > If this was to be his part in the war to save the >universe, he'd rather crunch his way through a sea of >writhing cockroaches. He'd rather bathe in a tub of >deviled slugs and eat turnips and fried mush. He'd >rather...ugg...kiss a girl. > Maybe. > No, that was too much. > He'd have to think about it. > No. > He didn't know anything. > > And slowly, Abnorman began to recover. He didn't >know if he would ever recover completely, but he did >know what he saw when he opened his eyes, and what he >saw was a plate full of rats and maggots and flies. >And he wasn't eating it. > No. > Not ever. > Never. > As for what Mama Cool had said, he couldn't >believe she actually thought he liked Yo Dummy. That >was yesterday. Today he didn't like Yo Dummy. And >why? Because Yo was a dummy, that's why. YO didn't >have to eat rats and maggots and flies. All he had to >do was hang there on strings. He didn't even have to >talk. Buffalo Chips talked for him, and Buffalo Chips >didn't even try to hide it. A kid had to be blind not >to see Buffalo Chips' mouth move when Yo Dummy talked, >and a kid had to be a total dummy not to know that Yo >Dummy was just a big dummy on strings and not a real >dude kid. > He wouldn't watch Yo Dummy if he did eat rats and >maggots and flies. > He bet Yo never even shot anyone, either. > >(to be continued) > > copyright 1998, 2000 > by Scott Montelauro > I do now put this work in public domain. > > Author's note: this is a work of fiction. All >characters and events portrayed in this work are >fictional, and any resemblance to real life >hypocrites, bullies, and liars is merely coincidental.
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