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Date Posted: 17:31:05 01/09/03 Thu
Author: Renee
Subject: My New Year Resolution Diary...

Dear Diary... For my 37th birthday this year, my husband (the DEAR) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my high school Softball team, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer Iíll call Bruce, who identified himself as a 31-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started. The club encouraged me to keep a diary of my progress.

Monday: Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Bruce waiting for me. He is something of a Greek God - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Bruce gave me a tour and showed me the machines. He took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. He was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to him in his Lycra aerobic outfit.

I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring. Bruce was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around.

This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

Tuesday: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Was little late from having to stop twice to pee. Bruce made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air- then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Bruceís rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.

I feel GREAT!! Itís a whole new life for me.

Wednesday: The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didnít try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Bruce was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Bruce put me on the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?

Bruce told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other garbage too.

Thursday: Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed between his thin, cruel lips, I couldnít help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Bruce took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the ladiesí room. He sent Gretchen to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine-which I sank.

Friday: I hate that creepy Bruce. Skinny, anemic little cheerleader wannabe. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.

Bruce wanted me to work on my triceps. I donít have any triceps! And if you donít want dents in the floor, donít hand me the stupid barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldnít it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

Saturday: Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my heating pad. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up watching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

Sunday: Iím having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband (the CREEP) will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root canal or hysterectomy.

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