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Date Posted: 14:56:01 05/01/03 Thu
Author: 掃落火湖百目鳥
Subject: 98. 九十八

98. 九十八

完美的數字是神的數字。而我,一個細末如同白浪碎屑的人,花光氣力,亦不過奢求一個98,或者99。

時代開始的時候我用右手去建立,以天真的語調,去宣告快將來臨的幸福,永垂不朽的天國傳說,以及形以上的自我價值。過程有時起躍,有時低沉,反覆徘徊,換來的只是無愧地說一句「我嚐試過」,然後又回到毫無差別的起點。我不知道這種輪迴跟我的「基督教文化潛意識」有什麼關係-我們相信「凡人皆是無力自救的罪人」,任何屬人的努力從一開始便注定失敗;尤如巴別塔的興建,總會在某一天,因為某個無法預見的出軌或錯誤而中道崩潰。

對我來說,無法碰觸的只是滿足的感覺。我已經不敢猜想,我和100之間還有多少距離。每當宿命的氣氛越演越濃,本性虛無的我就有推翻一切的衝動-無月的晚上我舉起毀滅的左手,將地上所有sustainable system都掃落火湖,其快感竟足以和創造的樂趣比美。

如果可以,我想將日子都凍結在這一頁:
http://www.voy.com/66580/1/
留待日後思念時翻閱,且勾起一場淡然的微笑,我已覺得非常值得。

2003/4/30

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