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Date Posted: 16:30:45 12/28/03 Sun
Author: 百目鳥
Subject: 202. 惡夢

兩年前的日記,有一段是這樣寫:「睡覺的時候反覆做著差不多的惡夢。心臟狂跳著醒來,然後祈禱,然後設法入睡,然後惡夢再次光臨,直至天亮將一切迷障掃除。」(01.11.20-惡夢)

兩年後重覆用上這題目,為的是要證明,我的惡夢,跟我的人生一樣,都沒有任何進展。

只是滑入了更深的幽暗循環。

不同的地方還是有的,例如,昨夜我心痛醒來,卻沒有向 神祈禱。因為我已經不知道,應如何組織詞彙,我的祈求,才不會變成妄求。

何況輕賤的我又可以再求什麼?所有的籌碼早已花光。我心一無掛慮,因為本來無一物,再怎樣打滾,都不會染上半點塵埃。

(噢清心的人有福了有福了,因為他們必得見 神。)

罷了,也罷了,嘲諷寫詩或發瘋都於事無補。唯一的問題只是,我要如何停止那些惡夢呢?

零4恐慌。到了明年,一直以來我最害怕的惡夢,將會成真。阿們。

2003/12/28

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