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Date Posted: 06:05:07 01/01/05 Sat
Author: 破目鳥
Subject: 231. 下一個,2005

2005年了,距離天亮還有兩小時、還是一小時呢?我只感到滿心的厭惡。厭惡這個新年,厭惡這個世代。是方才的飲料作祟,還是無眠的夜使我不快?剎那我渴望我的世界變成孤島。我的胸腔,還是我的胃?正流竄著滅亡之漿,將我僅餘的一點克制銷毀。再沒有美好的東西可以留下,再沒有值得記憶的事情發生。神或惡魔完成了對我的咀咒正咧嘴而笑。而我還是,選擇在這最無助的一刻敲下了憤世嫉俗的鍵盤。

祈禱吧,祈禱,一如以往可悲地矛盾的我在心中發出無聲亦無言的祈禱。但我卻沒有任何事情可以期望發生。我應該期望什麼發生呢?我這無足輕重的存在,因為太聰明或太愚笨而受苦的靈魂,已經對所有事情失去渴求。連最微小的一點舒適我也不想要。好吧,就這樣,就讓那可厭惡的不快的燃燒漿液把我摧毀吧。一次又一次地。永無休止地。

你問我可會感到後悔嗎?無論在以前,此刻或日後。就像那漸次亮起的遠方的日光,在黑暗被驅逐前最凝煉的寒冷,我的表述同樣真實而不可逆轉:不。如果我的心還懂得後悔,那麼我大概還不致如此絕望。

這段文字確切地表達了什麼呢?我會說,我輸了,或我贏了。因為退出遊戲而自由超脫。沒錯,是自由。一如存在主義者們一百年前的宣稱。除了自由,獄中的自由,我還會擁有什麼呢?

好無聊的發現。

2005/1/1

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