Subject:  heartsick |
Author:
zada
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Date Posted: 07/ 7/10 8:59pm
I'm 30 years old, married and have a 16 month old daughter. We went to the doctor yesterday, but we already knew that I'm pregnant. This was completely unplanned. We've always used some form of birth control (mostly condoms) and it's always worked...until now. When I became pregnant with my daughter, it was when we decided to start a family and we were thrilled. This time is the complete opposite. We were sure about the fact that our daughter is all that we'd ever want. We haven't told anyone anything because we don't know what to do. We're actually considering abortion. We have nobody to talk to about this except eachother because neither of our families would ever speak to us if they found out that we went through with it. He's more for it than I am because I don't believe that I'd be able to live with it. At times, I know that it would be the best thing, but it feels like an easy way out and I know morally that it is the most wrong thing. I'm well aware of the fact that parents are supposed to protect their children, especially since I'm already a mother and I absolutely adore my daughter. I would never be able to carry a child and then give it up for adoption which is the only reason why I'm not considering it. I know how horrible it sounds, but I'd rather not have the baby at all than give it to someone else. Although it's against my Catholic religion, I do believe in abortions for certain situations. Women do have a right to decide. I do not believe in abortions as a form of birth control as some people have actually done instead of being responsible and trying to prevent pregnancy. We talked to our OB/GYN about this and he gave me the name of another doctor who terminates because he doesn't. Right then and there, I teared up just having to tell him about these thoughts because he took great care of me through my first pregnancy. He delivered all of my nieces. My sister was pregnant for her last time when I was the first time, so we both went to him. He was very nonchalant about this and instead of making me feel any better (either way) it just made me feel worse. I know that being a doctor, he's not supposed to seem to judge, but in a way, I wanted him to yell at us and tell us to suck it up and deal with it. I did get the number for the other doctor, but I didn't call. I plan on calling just to get information, but I'm not sure if I'd use it or not.
We're not financially able to add another child. We're barely making it now. My husband was laid off from his job a month before my daughter's birth, I had a C-Section, so I wasn't able to work right away and we still haven't straightened things out from that. He was just called back to his job this past February and due to his schedule, I'm not working. I don't have a form of childcare other than myself and can't afford daycare. Besides the financial issues, we don't have the room. We live in a 2 bedroom house (nevermind the fact that we only have a living room, kitchen and the 2 bedrooms) and don't even know where we'd put another baby. We can't afford to add a room. I've been in a battle with my mortgage company for the past year to try to modify (due to a clerical error on their part, they denied the first one), so we can't even begin to think about moving and can't afford it anyway. Besides the money issues, we don't even get along anymore. The day that I became pregnant this time was the one time that we had sex the entire month (that's how much we've argued lately). We used a condom. It broke and my husband was worried, but since I shouldn't have even been ovulating yet, I wasn't, which is why this is such a huge surprise. I know that most children are surprises and accidents and their parents nevered considered this. Everytime I think I've made up my mind either way, it changes. I don't want to take the chance to have a sibling away from my daughter. This baby would be born right after her 2nd birthday. I have an older brother and sister whom I know. My oldest brother passed away before I was born, which is why I can't talk to my mother about this. My family is great and they've really helped out with our daughter and I know that they'd be great about helping with another baby. The whole issue is us. If we had another bedroom, no question, the abortion issue would have only been a fleeting thought instead of the monster that's consumed us since I took the home pregnancy test last week. I also believe that I'd end up resenting my husband if we did go through with it. Since we'd never tell anyone, I believe that I would hate him because I can't talk to anyone else about it (at least not anyone that I'm close to). I would never ever tell my daughter. It's something that I'm ashamed to even admit thinking about. I feel so selfish for considering it. It's not like I'm a child. I'm a grown woman, married, with a child already. All of my friends are against abortion. My closest friend just had her 3rd child that they totally can't afford, yet they had him anyway and she'll make it work. She had a miscarriage before that, so I can't even begin to explain wanting to end a child's life.
I know what the right answer is. I just needed to share with anyone who could view all sides instead of just telling me to either have an abortion or baby. I'm just trying to find someone to understand ALL of my feelings. I'm feeling slightly pressured by my husband. He says that he's worried about another lay-off at his job, but I just think that he's hoping to continue life the way it's been for the past 16 months with just us and our daughter. I know that we're not the first ones to go through this and be able to do it. He will be there for me no matter what I decide. He understands that I have the final say because when it's all said and done, I'm the one who will be affected the most, besides the child. I am Catholic, I do believe in God and Heaven and Hell and all of that. I may not go to church all of the time, but I do pray every single night. And I thank God everyday for my family, so that should include this newest addition as well.
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