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Subject: What to do, what to do.... Author: Jenni [ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ] Date Posted: 03/ 2/06 11:05pm I know my story is going to sound like so many others...it's nothing new...I have found myself unexpectedly pregnant...and I don't know what to do. I am 25, and currently attend grad school. I have 1.5 years left of the program...it is very important for me to finish the program, as it is necessary for the career I want to have. I have worked extremely hard thus far, and value my education highly...I mention that first because it is a major contributor to my uncertainty and stress. I can take a year off from the program and come back to finish later, after I have the baby, just so you know that that is an option (well, with a one year old, I don't know how much of a REAL option it will be...), but technically speaking, it's an option. In addition, the father and I are not together, although we have been in the past. We had a good 5 years together, and then a very traumatic break-up, and off and on again drama for the last 1.5 years...we had one night of unprotected sex, and nearly 3 weeks later, here I sit pregnant. He does not want a child. He has made it clear, but he has also made it clear that it is my decision, and he will support me if I choose to have the baby. I know, however, he will not be at all happy. He is having some psychological problems currently, and is trying to get stabilized, and is currently unemployed, with a broken arm, and hardly able to support himself. Basically, I have decide if I can, if necessary, raise this baby on my own. Hopefully he would be there for me and the child, but I can't count on it for sure. It's not like we're going to get back together because of the pregnancy. I have always known I wanted children, and for the most part, have wanted to be a fairly young mother...I love children, and have only had jobs that have had to do with children in some way. My bachelor's degree is in child development, and my future occupation was to be a Pediatric OT. When a child is present, you can't tear me away. I always told myself abortion wouldn't be an option for. I absolutely believe it is a woman's right to choose, but I just thought that for me, no matter what the circumstance, I would deal with it and have the child. The problem is, I wanted to be married, in a loving relationship...finished with my schooling, and already stabilized in my career....I know I COULD handle it, if need be. I know children and how to care for them. I have fantastic family support. I have fantastic support from friends. It is doable. But is it right? Should I bring a child into the world in this way? I have very little income currently, being a full time student, and will soon not have medical insurance (my father's insurance covers me until I'm 26, which would be before the baby would be born). I don't know if I could live with myself if I have an abortion, but I know there are so many reasons that I "should"....the timing is just so wrong... I am not asking anyone to make this decision for me...I don't know what I am asking...I guess I just wanted to get this off my chest, to put it out there...I guess I just need support...Thanks so much to everyone for sharing your stories. It's nice to know I'm not alone. Jenni [ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]

Replies:

[> Subject: Re: What to do, what to do.... Author: Melanie [Edit] Date Posted: 03/ 3/06 5:52am Hi Jenni, You certainly aren't alone. The funny thing about timing is that when it comes to getting pregnant I think it is probably more often "wrong" than it is right, or at least it seems that way. I suppose most of us arrived under something less than ideal circumstances. Most of us are still glad we are here. As far as how I see things, income is probably the last thing on the list. It isn't unimportant, it just isn't the most essential ingredient in raising a child. It sounds like you have lots of support so you are ahead of most people and that actually is what will make this work. I can't help but think that having an abortion with your love of children and working in a field that deals with children would take a pretty heavy emotional toll and I could see it affecting you in regards to your career choice. Reminders might be pretty tough. Don't discount this when you are looking at what you will ultimately do. I would recommend that you contact a Crisis Pregnancy Center in your area and talk to them about community resources. Most states do have programs for pregnant women who are uninsured. If you would like help locating one in your area, just e-mail me and I'd be happy to help. Also, you can begin to plan things with your instructors before you reach your due date and most likely you can continue with your schooling until the baby is born. You should have a good deal of it out of the way. Sorry, I'm a bit rambly today, but the bottom line is just let me know if there's anything I can help with. --Melanie

[> Subject: Re: What to do, what to do.... Author: Rachel [Edit] Date Posted: 03/ 3/06 7:14am First off, CONGRATULATIONS on the new little life inside of you! This baby has chosen you to be it's mommy - it may know better than you that you are ready and can handle it. If you look around on this board, you will see many women, including me, that have thought EXACTLY the same way as you. When it happens, it's just really scary and seems impossible. And I, like you, had broken up with my significant other before I became pregnant, and I, like you, am not going to be with the dad of the baby just because I am pregnant. but alot of the fears you have are solve-able. you DO have a support system, which is great. Alot of women don't. You are 25, educated, and on your way to a terrific career. Alot of women haven't even started college when they become pregnant, and do all of their education with a little one at home. You can go to school from now until the baby is born, no problem! And after you have him/her, they sleep alot and I am sure that you can still concentrate at least part time on your studies. At a year old someone can always come and take your kiddo to the park or pop in a movie for them while you write a paper. i should know, because I have a 2.5 yr old and I still manage to get a lot done. (I work from home.) Your body is in the prime stage for carrying life - it may or may not be as you get older. You never know if you will be able to get pregnant again - when we play God with decisions like abortion it doesn't always work out the greatest....there are many physical and emotional problems associated with it that could affect your studies, too. And also affect future fertility. It sounds like you will be an AWESOME mom, I think you should "let go and let god", and celebrate what your body is doing - the most wonderful thing that can be experienced as a woman. I know it is easier said than done, and for me it wasn't until just recently that i felt happy about my 2nd pregnancy, and I went through all of this drama with my first pregnancy, too! I just really feel that things work out for a reason, and just because youa re single does not mean it will not work out. You are young and you just never know what will happen. I know women who find the love of their lives while they are pregnant, or after they have a child, or maybe they are just happy to be a mom and they don't need a man. As far as insurance - I would look into medicaid through your state children and families office. I had that with Eli and they paid for absolutely everything. Most pregnant women qualify as long as they make under a certain amount per month, and if you are n school it is very likely you would qualify. You can email me if you want and I can help you with it for whatever state you are in. And there is a program for babies and toddlers called "Healthy Start", where insurance is only a few dollars a month so that they can have all of their well visits and shots and sick visits as well. Also, if you have trouble with money right now, the WIC program is great - they give pregnant women and new moms free milk, eggs, cheese, etc. I just got on it myself. The bottom line - there IS hope. and there IS help. You can email me or write here to the other ladies on the board if you feel down or confused - we will be here for you every step of the way. I want you to be excited about being a mommy, and nt waste your time being depressed and upset like I did. Because it will all work out. You have to have faith in that. And also once you see your baby nothign else will matter. That I know for a fact. best to you - keep us posted! rachel (tlift_07@yahoo.com)

[> [> Subject: Re: What to do, what to do.... Author: Jenni [Edit] Date Posted: 03/ 3/06 10:58am I just wanted to thank you both very much for responding. I appreciate the time everyone takes to be supportive. I was very uncertain about what I was going to about this pregnancy, and even called Planned Parenthood on Wednesday (I found out I was pregnant on Tuesday) to find out about medical abortion...I got off the phone sobbing (without an appointment), and haven't been able to call again since. Every time I think of it I start crying all over again...but when I consider keeping the baby, although I feel stressed out and scared about the future, I don't cry...for me, that is a fairly big sign...that I couldn't live with myself if I chose to terminate the pregnancy. I have not completely made up my mind yet, but I now know which way I am leading...in a big way...I am so worried about telling the father...he's just going to be devestated I think...I am about to head to Target, and plan on picking up some prenatal vitamins while there...just in case...but I'm almost certain once I take that step there will be no turning back. I've already found that I'm watching what I eat...and it's only been 4 days...taking steps toward ensuring the health of the baby without even thinking about it definately helps me to understand what I intuitively feel is right... As for school, I know it is possible, and I will talk to the program coordinator once I make that final decision and come to terms with it. My due date should be the end of November, or beginning of December, so I would definately be able to comeplete this semester, and my summer internship. After that I will have 1 year left...I just have to decide if I want to try to go that next semester after summer (which goes from the end of August to mid-December), or just take a whole year off, to accommodate the third trimester of the pregnancy and the newborn and infant stages... Sorry I'm rambling...thanks again for your advice and support.

[> [> [> Subject: Re: What to do, what to do.... Author: Rachel [Edit] Date Posted: 03/ 4/06 6:42am You can do it!!!! Don't worry about telling the father you choose life for your child. i went through the SAME thing back in October, and although he was scared of having another kid, he has come around alot. It just takes men alot longer to identify with and be open to the life that is growing. I had my ultrasound the other day, and we found out it is a little girl in there! My ex was so happy about that, and I even caught him gazing at the ultrasound photos by himself later. I NEVER thought this could happen. Butif it hadn't, I wouldn't be heartbroken either. I have my kids and I have myself and my goals and he could just go to HECK if he doesn't want to be a part of it! Just imagine which would be worse - you being devastated and depressed because you had an abortion, or him being devastated (temporarily) because you chose to do what you feel is right. Imagine your child not just as a baby, but in 3, 8, 18 years.... And from experience,I have had a medical abortion before. I feel like the baby did not go away just because the glob of tissue did. I have had many dreams (waking and asleep) about the little baby I would have had...I think thats why I could not go through that again with this pregnancy. I have considered open adoption as well, because i truly believe now that I can't argue with God, with life, when it decides to come through me I let it. But I also want what is best for my child. I am just leaving all options open...in some ways I think it is best if I mother this child...but I also recognize that there are many people who want to be parents and have so much love and so much to offer a child. At any rate, that to me is better than abortion, having gone through it. But I do feel youa re going to be a GREAT mommy. And you have the support available to you to do so. The adoption bit is just my two cents worth against the idea of abortion and bit of rambling. I am here for you, Jenni, take those vitamins and get lots of rest and come back oftento let us know how it is going. Love, Rachel & Eli & Baby Sister

[> Subject: Welcome Jenni! :) Author: Tracey [Edit] Date Posted: 03/ 3/06 1:08pm Jenni~ Hello and welcome to our board! We want to help guide you and support you as you make this important decision. I think when you said, "I just thought that for me, no matter what the circumstance, I would deal with it and have the child" says alot! You are already a mother...now it's just time to decide which path you want to go. From what I gather from your post, an abortion would only devestate you. SO many women choose abortion in haste and then live for the rest of their lives to regret it. You sound like a strong woman who has goals and dreams and I truly don't think a baby's going to ruin these goals and dreams. My mother had three kids and went to college while pregnant with me. She graduated and now has her Master's degree. She was able to create a healthy, happy environment for me and my brothers as well as make her own dreams come true! You CAN do this, Jenni! You just have to set your mind toward your goal and be willing to seek help along the way. You're here and that's a big step! You're doing your research and asking for advice! That shows you already truly care about this little one! He/she will be lucky to have you as a mommy! :) Yes, this will be tough, I'm not gonna lie! But there are lots of places that can offer support and help for you during your pregnancy and even after. I advise you to contact your local crisis pregnancy center. They can offer support, help, and even financial help. The good news is, you are not alone! If you need help iin finding a local Crisis Pregnancy Center, let us know. We just need your ST and closest city and we will give you a list of centers that will offer you support! As far as college goes, you need to look into assistance for single mothers. There are many plans and grants that can help you on your way. Jenni, please continue to come back and keep us posted! We promise to do our best to offer you support and guidance in the best way we know how. If you ever need to talk privately, feel free to contact myself, or any of the other girls via e-mail! Please keep us posted and let us know how we can help! In the meantime, congrats!!! God bless, Tracey

[> [> Subject: Re: Welcome Jenni! :) Author: Jenni [Edit] Date Posted: 03/ 3/06 3:29pm Actually, information on pregnancy crisis centers in my area would be great. I'm in CA, and the nearest big city is San Jose. All I really know of is Planned Parenthood...is that what you mean? Thanks again for all of your support and caring. Jenni

[> [> [> Subject: Re: Welcome Jenni! :) Author: Tracey [Edit] Date Posted: 03/ 3/06 3:57pm Jenni~ Hello again! Here is what I've come up with thus far...the other ladies may have some other places for you. Many of the girls on this board are from CA, by the way! :) Okay...here are the 2 locations I have found so far: *CPC of Santa Clara 1150 Hillsdale Ave. Ste.104 San Jose, CA 95118 Phone:(408)978-9310 *Alameda Pregnancy Counseling Service 1694 The Alameda Ste.201 San Jose, CA 95126 Phone:(406) 293-2529 Give them a call and let us know how it goes. Like I said, I'm sure the other ladies may be able to offer help as well! God bless, Tracey

[> Subject: Re: What to do, what to do.... Author: Sharon [Edit] Date Posted: 03/ 3/06 10:48pm Jenni, Your story brings back such strong emotions for me. I was in a very similar situation many years ago. I was going to college and found myself pregnant. I went to Planned Parenthood to have them do a pregnancy test (you couldn't just pick up a pregnancy test at the drug store as you can today ;-) It came back positive. I was devastated. They had me talk to one of their "counselors" (I use quotation marks because a counselor should be unbiased - but these weren't. They clearly thought that in my "situaion" abortion was the smartest choice.) The stressed that time was of the essence - that if there was even the slightest chance that I was going to have an abortion, I needed to make the appt. After all, I could always cancel it. So, even though I'd always thought of myself as pro-life, here I was scheduling an abortion! I wrestled with the decision. My boyfriend wanted me to abort (we were no longer together), my mother thought abortion was the route to go, my father was against my having an abortion, but it turns out it was my pro-choice stepmother (an ob gyn nurse) who gave me the wisest advice. She said, "I know you, Sharon, and I know you could never live with yourself if you had an abortion." She then pulled out her nursing books and showed me pictures of fetal development. I was aghast! Planned Parenthood had been referring to "it" as a "mass of cells" and a "blob of tissue", but here I could see that he had a heart that was beating, tiny fingers and toes, brain waves! He was much more than a mass of tissue. I called and cancelled the appointment and am so incredibly glad that I did. I now have my beautiful, awesome, loving, generous, wonderful son... I know what is lost through abortion, because I almost lost him. I can guarantee you that if you have your baby you will never regret NOT aborting. But, if you abort, I can almost as surely guarantee that there will be times when you will regret having had the aboriton...and there will be nothing you can do to go back and undo it. I'm SO glad you're getting hold of some prenatal vitamins. Folic acid is VERY important in those early weeks. Also, I want to echo Rachel's advice: look into WIC. It is an awesome program through your county health nurse that provides you with vouchers for healthy food while you're pregnant (and for a year after if you choose to nurse.) It also provides vouchers for your little one until he or she is five years old! BTW, I went on to complete my undergraduate degree and then completed my masters in instructional technology. I teach at a small liberal arts college in the midwest. My son, Geoffrey, turned 26 in December. (I ended up taking off a semester after he was born ;-) I now have six other children ranging down to age five. They are each such unique individuals. I know you can do this. It will be a challenge, but it will have such tremendous rewards that it will most definitely be worth it. Sharon

[> Subject: Re: What to do, what to do.... Author: Pat [Edit] Date Posted: 03/ 4/06 4:20am Hi, Jenni, I want to encourage you to have your baby and go on to complete your schooling. I know you can do it because I did it. When I got my degree, I had four children, three of them preschoolers. It took me a little longer, but not that much longer. I didn't want to go fulltime anyway. I got my bachelor's. I know getting a master's degree is a bit more of a challenge, but you can do it. You have a family to support you. They can help you take care of the baby while you are in class. That is a wonderful resource. Your boyfriend may decide to act like a jerk. Don't let him get to you! He may come around later, and he may not. There are several women on this board who broke up with the father and went on to marry wonderful men who have been father to their children in every way except biologically. This is YOUR decision. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders. Listen to your heart! One other thing. If you decide to go through with an abortion, there is a good chance your degree won't matter to you afterwards, if you can't live with yourself. Most people don't think about that, but it's very real. Good luck with your planning. You'll do fine. Take one day at a time. Hugs, Pat

[> [> Subject: Re: What to do, what to do.... Author: Jenni [Edit] Date Posted: 03/ 4/06 10:08am I just want to thank everyone so much for all the kind words and encouragement. I will not admit to myself, or anyone else, yet that I have made my final decision, but I find myself thinking a lot about my future with a child in it...I have stopped drinking (since the day I found out), have started eating better, and have bought and started taking prenatal vitamins...I went out to dinner last night with a friend and found myself saying things like, "It's going to be so hard going to school with a baby...I can't decide if I want to just take a full year off, or try to go next semester while I'm in my third trimester." And "My father is going to be so upset...I hope he's not too disappointed." All of these things definately show where my mind is at, and that, for all intents and purposes, I have made up mind to keep the baby. I have not told my family yet...I am going to wait awhile...I am going to NY at the end of the month to visit a friend (during my spring break), and want to really enjoy this trip because it will likely be the last one I take for quite awhile. I know, however, that when I do tell my family, they will be very supportive...although I'm sure quite disappointed...My sister has a 1.5 year old who is the product of an unplanned pregnancy, and they have been nothing but wonderful with her. But my sister wasn't going to school...she didn't give up a whole lot to have the baby...I am the only one in my family who has gotten a college degree, let alone work towards a master's. But I know it'll be ok. They love and will be happy for me after the shock wears off. That's just the kind of family that they are. I'm rambling again...sorry...Thanks for listening. And thanks so much for those links! I really appreciate it.

[> [> [> Subject: Re: What to do, what to do.... Author: Tracey [Edit] Date Posted: 03/ 5/06 4:45am Jenni~ That's WONDERFUL news...I think once you make the decision, things start to make more sense and you're able to focus...when you haven't made up your mind, you just feel jumbled and more confused!!! We promise to help and support you in every way we can. Please let us know when you call those centers and let us know the results. In the meantime, take those pre-natal vitamins and whatever you do, make sure you get rest. Your body is busy right now forming a little life, so make sure you allow it adequate rest. BTW, make sure you eat first before taking your pre-natal vitamins...otherwise, they make you really nauseous. If you end up still get nauseous even after eating, it may just be that you need to switch pre-natal vitamins. I've had to do that a few times before. Jenni, I am SO proud of you for stepping up to the plate and taking on this amazing responsibility. You are going to love being a mommy! I know you think you're young, but I had my first child, my son(Logan), at 24, then my daughter(Regan) at 25, my other daughter(Riley), when I had just turned 27 and now I'm 28, due with my fourth(a boy)...you can see my three at the top of the page on the right. I LOVE being a mommy...there's nothing in this world like when your little one holds your face and sings to you or wraps their arms around you and says, "Mommy, I love you!" It just melts your heart! ;) Okay...I'm babbling! lol Please keep us posted and let us know how we can continue to help! We're here for you, Jenni! God bless, Tracey

[> [> [> Subject: Re: What to do, what to do.... Author: Melanie [Edit] Date Posted: 03/ 5/06 3:59pm Hi Jenni, I'm so happy that you have come to a positive resolution. Having a supportive family is such a huge blessing. :) If there is any way I can help, please feel free to just ask and I will do my best. --Melanie

[> [> [> [> Subject: Re: What to do, what to do.... Author: Jenni [Edit] Date Posted: 03/ 5/06 11:26pm So I had a pretty crappy night... I just told the father today that I am not planning on getting an abortion...and he freaked out. He told my how I am ruining everything. I am ruining his life and his future, and how I have not thought this through...that it is going to basically be horrible for everyone involved. How neither of us has money and he's not selling any of his "toys" so he can pay for diapers...he told me I am ruining my future and giving up my career goals. Then he told me that he's going to run away, that he can't handle this, that he wants no part of a family, and has never wanted a child. I cried and he apologized and said he just lost it, but I know he was being honest. I told him I wanted him in the child's life, and I hoped that he and I could work it out, and all he could ask me was how I would feel when he fell in love with someone else and I still had to have him in my life because we had a kid together... I am so utterly depressed...I feel like everything is falling apart. On top of that, I have an ENORMOUS amount of school work right now, with over 10 papers, projects, and presentations in the next two weeks...I just can't concentrate. I almost feel like I may as well drop out now...everything seems so hopeless. My baby doesn't need me to be stressing like this... Sorry for the length...just needed to vent... Jenni

[> [> [> [> [> Subject: Re: What to do, what to do.... Author: Donna [Edit] Date Posted: 03/ 6/06 5:50am Jenni, You go ahead and vent away. We are here for you ! I'm sorry you got this reaction from the father of your baby. I think it's typical of some men to try to make the women feel guilty about the pregnancy. He needs to remember this wasn't planned for you either. It's so easy for men to run from their responsibility. Hopefully this reaction came from the shock of the news and with some time to think it over he will realize he needs to be responsible and supportive to you. If he chooses not to be, you can still do this without him.Will it be easy? No, but will it be worth it? Heck Yeah !! You don't have to give up your career goals, it might just take a little longer getting there. If you need to take a break with your schooling, do it and keep in mind you can always continue later on. My guess is that when you lay eyes on your little one and get those hugs and hear I love you mommy..you will then know that everything that you went thru and temporarily sacrificed was so totally worth it !! If he chooses not to be a part of his child's life, it will be his loss. Hugs, Donna

[> [> [> Subject: Re: What to do, what to do.... Author: Dawn M. [Edit] Date Posted: 03/ 5/06 10:04pm Jenni, Hey! I am so happy you have decided enjoy the thrill of motherhood. At the end you will be happier than I am. I hope all goes well and I hope you stick around and keep us update on how you are doing. Dawn

[> [> [> Subject: Re: What to do, what to do.... Author: Sharon [Edit] Date Posted: 03/ 6/06 6:19am Jenni, Boy, he knows what buttons to push ("and all he could ask me was how I would feel when he fell in love with someone else and I still had to have him in my life because we had a kid together...") Unfortunately, his response is terribly common. True, there are some guys who really step up to the plate - even letting their girlfriend's know that THEY would be willing to raise the baby even if the mother is not willing. But, for every one guy like that I'd bet there are at least 10 who exhibit the opposite reaction. In fact, 65-80 percent of women who have abortions state that they would have NOT had an abortion if they'd felt supported. So, what that tells me is that LOTS of women are "choosing" abortion when it's NOT really their choice. (That's why I'm so firmly involved with Feminists for Life. It's a fascinating group. You should check them out.) First, you need to try your best NOT to worry about what HE thinks. He is going to lay extreme pressure (emotional and intellectual) on you to have an abortion because he thinks an abortion is in HIS best interest. True, he might try to couch his remarks in terms of how it is best for YOU, but he really doesn't care about that. He just wants to add strength to his argument. Second...actually, I don't know if there is a second, third, fourth... (I was going to try to give you arguments you could use: "aborting a first pregnancy results in a significantly increased chance of developing breast cancer even if no other risk factors are pregnant", "the embryo/fetus already has a heart, fingers, toes, brain waves, etc. - and here are some pictures of fetal development and of what abortion does to the fetus" [then take him to the www.priestsforlife.org or www.cbr.org sites - be careful, though, they are very graphic], "I'm going to have to live with the emotional effects of abortion the rest of my life, while you'll be able to forget it ever happened.") But, I realized he's too intent on having you make his life easier at his point: none of these arguments would phase him, I bet. Probably the best thing you can do is avoid him. It may be that he'll come around (many of them do) and WANT to play a role in his child's life. But, that can't be of concern to you right now. You need to focus on taking care of yourself and your baby (and those 10 papers/projects ;-) right now. You don't need emotional blackmail from him. Hang in there! Sharon

[> [> [> [> Subject: Re: What to do, what to do.... Author: Lori [Edit] Date Posted: 03/ 6/06 1:14pm Jenni, I too have been in your situation before and I know the fear that you have right now. Not to mention, your boyfriend isn't really being so supportive. Your right, you don't need this stress right now. If I were you I would just take some time away from this relationship and concentrate on you, school work and baby. He'll probably come around just like Sharon said. Most guys do come around eventually. If you ever need to talk feel free to email me anytime. God Bless, Lori

[> [> [> [> [> Subject: Re: What to do, what to do.... Author: Jenni [Edit] Date Posted: 03/ 6/06 6:13pm Thank you everyone so much for your support...yet again :) This guy has caused so much drama in my life...way to much to get into here, but it's just too bad that it has to be his kid I'm having...since this really should be one of the happiest times of my life... I am in no way going to let him sway me. I have made my decision, and I am sticking to it. I am already feeling pangs of excitement, and have even started thinking of names (which, apparently, I get to pick all by myself, so I have free range of choices!). I am still absolutely scared, stressed out, and haven't told my family yet (except my sister, who is soooooo excited), but I feel like I can handle this situation with the help I know I will receive. And, as I side note, I would never consider quitting school. I was just extremely stressed out...Now, I have another life to think of besides mine, and finishing this program and having the career of my dreams (being a pediatric occupational therapist) will enable me to provide the best life I can for my child and myself, regardless of if the father is in the picture. Oh, and I have used the arguments with the father that the little one already has a heartbeat, it's genetic characteristics determined, it's spine and brain forming rapidly, and already developing arms and legs, and that bothers him, but his response is, "it's not a baby yet...just take the pill" (as in the abortion pill)....I am still hoping he'll come around, but I won't hold my breath. Jenni

[> [> [> [> [> [> Subject: Re: What to do, what to do.... Author: Lori [Edit] Date Posted: 03/ 7/06 10:50pm Hi Jenni, I'm so glad that you are being so strong about this, I really admire your courage and motivation. Your going to make a wonderful mom. I'm glad that you have your sister to offer you support. Maybe your sister could help you tell your family?? I know you feel overwhelmed and stressed right now but just try to relax some. Make sure you get plenty of rest and take your vitamins. Please continue to keep us updated. YOu'll be in my thoughts and prayers. God Bless, Lori

[> Subject: Re: What to do, what to do.... Author: Lisa [Edit] Date Posted: 03/ 6/06 6:21pm Hi Jenni, I like most if not all of us on this board have been in your shoes. I was in college full time when I became pregnant about 3 years ago now (my daughter was just 2 years old!) Some of us had support, some of us did not. The father of my daughter is not in her life. This is something he chose and it is kind of a long story (wont bore ya) BUT....he does pay for her and that is something that he can not get out of. Your childs father can say he is going to run away, fall in love with someone else, whatever he wants to do, but he will have to pay for his child if you choose to go after him for that. And I think you should because this baby is just as much his responsibility as yours. What he is trying to do is to make you abort your baby so that he can feel better and as most of the women on here tell you, if you do abort for him, you will not stay together anyway. I say you should go with your heart. Most men say the things that your childs father is saying. It is sad, but true, just like Sharon said. In the end, you have to decide and it is your descision and not his. I am here to tell you that although I have struggled a lot financially with having my daughter, I have never once regretted having her (and I am a lot older than you, I will be 38 in May) She is my only child and the light of my life. You will see as you continue with this pregnancy that this is the most wonderful thing ever. CONGRATULATIONS! And if I did not say so before, as far as timing goes, I am with Melanie. If we all waited until it was the "right time" the human race would die off! Seriously, most pregnancies come at a time that is less than ideal. I think this is what makes them so special. Please let us know how you are doing! Lisa and Sophie

[> [> Subject: Re: What to do, what to do.... Author: Jenn [Edit] Date Posted: 03/ 7/06 12:58pm Jenni: I am so glad to hear that you are excited about your baby. I am pregnant with my first child also and couldn't be happy. I know what you are going through with telling everyone and let me tell you they will surprise you my family sure did. The PC centers are very helpful and so are the ladies here and like they suggested you might check into the WIC program it offers alot of help. Congrats on the baby and keep us updated on how things are going. Jenn

[> Subject: Re: What to do, what to do.... Author: Heather [Edit] Date Posted: 03/ 8/06 9:28pm Hi Jenni, A belated welcome! What a full week it's been for you in every sense. I've read some of the responses the women here have given you, and had Sharon not posted the link to 'Feminists for Life' I would have, as I think that in addition to them being an excellent organization, they may very well have some practical help in how to coordinate your schooling and being a mother. Their motto and philosophy in regard to abortion is that 'Women Deserve Better.' They take the edge off the word 'feminist' in that they highlight the 'pro-woman' reality of 'pro-life' and a mindset of kindness and nurturing in women, one that doesn't have to give in to the fearful reaction of killing their unplanned child because life can't be accomodated around it. They focus more on ways to make life easier to accomodate and work WITH baby (as in schooling, employment situations, etc.) CONGRATULATIONS, by the way. I'm inexpressibly thrilled for you and can't wait for you to encounter more of the joyous mystery of motherhood. It's definitely something awesome. I have four children ages 4-8. Prepare to experience a very surreal love! I wanted to offer my encouragement, too, in noting your clear thinking and strong will in the little you've posted so far. It's good to see you strong enough to examine reality and not be taken by unnecessary fear. I've counseled many post abortion women and quietly grieve that they were not supported in this before it was 'after the fact.' Circumstances (such as 'no money' and 'wrong timing' and 'no father!') are everchanging but abortion is permanent. Sometimes the span of only a year brings a totally different landscape to one's life in the externals, but decades cannot bring back a beautiful human life taken or the corner of darkness in a woman's heart the abortion quietly occupies. I'm very sorry for the disturbing response you received from your little one's biological father. Two things come to my mind. The first being that I think you had good wisdom in your first post in noting that he may or may not be in the picture of your son or daughter's life, but the reality for yourself is that you should adjust to thinking in terms of single parenthood. Once you can get past the original pang of that, warranted because it's not the ideal, you may find that it still holds many happy endings and all the joy of motherhood. The second thought that comes to mind is how often we hear of a biological father's similar to the one you described, and how often they (and a woman's parents, for that matter) come around, sometimes with surprising gusto, by the end of the pregnancy, certainly by the time when the little one is placed in their arms. This may or may not apply in your case. He may bail and that might be the best thing. But regardless I wouldn't put much stock in his initial response. Men need time to adjust and decompress, too. The other suggestion you got that was excellent was to check out your local Pregnancy Resource Center. I don't live far from you at all; I'm in Santa Cruz. (Isn't the internet wonderful?) The PRC we have here is EXCELLENT. The practical assistance and emotional support women give to women there is truly beautiful. All services are free, even ultrasounds! All PRC's operate basically the same way, though. Any one that you go to over the hill is going to be a good thing for you and babe. Please email me if you'd like any more information or contact info. They're definitely 'step 1' in your arsenal of assistance through this adventure. Other practical helps and tips: When you go to get those prenatal vitamins, make sure they're really high quality ones. Especially in the first trimester, as you know, it's worth the extra $3-$5 dollars you'll pay for the better brand. Look for more natural ingredients, not the synthetic ones. There's a book that just about every first time mother reads and for good reason; it's perfect for answering the myriad of pregnancy questions that come up along the way. It's called, "What to Expect When You're Expecting" and can be found at any bookstore (or library.) Lastly: sleep! It's a miracle benefit to you right now. :) I was glad to read all the things you have going for you between your strong family and friend support and your background with children. You sound a lot like me. My academics focused on biology, medicine, and children. Love of children prevailed, lol, and I'm now blessed in being a stay at home mother whose homeschooling these little people who have captured my heart. Life is full of seasons, and I'm greatly enjoying this one, even with all the busyness that comes with it. Welcome again and we're looking forward to being a part of your support system through your pregnancy. You'll find that venting and 'reporting' as often as you like is highly encouraged. :) We really do want to hear about your morning sickness and the first time you feel your little one moving around, lol. Congratulations again, Jenni. May God's grace be with you and your baby and continue to clearly light the path ahead of you with peace. I'm genuinely excited for you and the crossroads that has been woven into the tapestry of your life right now by Providence. I think good things are going to come from it. With Kindness, Heather leafworks2@juno.com

[> [> Subject: Re: What to do, what to do.... Author: Jenni [Edit] Date Posted: 03/ 8/06 11:34pm I just really wanted to express my gratitude for the warmth and genuiness that everyone here on the board exudes :) It has most certainly helped me through this stressful and confusing time. I think I might actually be exiting the "shock" mode, and moving into a little bit more stable mind-set about the whole thing. I have an appointment tomorrow at the CPC here in San Jose, and will hopefully get some info RE obtaining health insurance, among other things. I have informed the friends that have known about the pregnancy from the beginning that I have made my decision, and I have reiterated that to the father. He freaked out yet again...but then today did ask me how I was doing, and was concerned about my insurance information. When I told him about Medi-Cal his reaction was concern about the ability to deliver at a "good" hospital...so at least he may be moving into some state of acceptance. I am hoping that by the end of the pregnancy he'll be slightly more positive about the whole thing. I'll let you all know how it goes at the pregnancy center tomorrow :) Thanks again, Jenni P.S. Should I start a new discussion topic or something? This one is getting ultra long! Haha :)

[> [> [> Subject: Re: What to do, what to do.... Author: Heather [Edit] Date Posted: 03/ 9/06 12:44pm Hi Jenni, I'm glad you were able to get in so quick with the CPC. I hope it goes well for you and am looking forward to hearing how it went. I wouldn't worry at all about the medical and hospitals. I think medical patients have access to mostly the same hospitals that non medical ones do. It's a bit early for it, but you might consider looking into a birthing center connected to a hospital or even a homebirth if you're pregnancy progresses as a low risk one. The book I recommended does a pretty good job comparing your options that way. Hope you're seeing light at the end of all your papers due! With Kindness, Heather