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Subject: Re: What to do, what to do.... Author: Sharon [ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ] Date Posted: 03/ 3/06 10:48pm In reply to: Jenni 's message, "What to do, what to do...." on 03/ 2/06 11:05pm Jenni, Your story brings back such strong emotions for me. I was in a very similar situation many years ago. I was going to college and found myself pregnant. I went to Planned Parenthood to have them do a pregnancy test (you couldn't just pick up a pregnancy test at the drug store as you can today ;-) It came back positive. I was devastated. They had me talk to one of their "counselors" (I use quotation marks because a counselor should be unbiased - but these weren't. They clearly thought that in my "situaion" abortion was the smartest choice.) The stressed that time was of the essence - that if there was even the slightest chance that I was going to have an abortion, I needed to make the appt. After all, I could always cancel it. So, even though I'd always thought of myself as pro-life, here I was scheduling an abortion! I wrestled with the decision. My boyfriend wanted me to abort (we were no longer together), my mother thought abortion was the route to go, my father was against my having an abortion, but it turns out it was my pro-choice stepmother (an ob gyn nurse) who gave me the wisest advice. She said, "I know you, Sharon, and I know you could never live with yourself if you had an abortion." She then pulled out her nursing books and showed me pictures of fetal development. I was aghast! Planned Parenthood had been referring to "it" as a "mass of cells" and a "blob of tissue", but here I could see that he had a heart that was beating, tiny fingers and toes, brain waves! He was much more than a mass of tissue. I called and cancelled the appointment and am so incredibly glad that I did. I now have my beautiful, awesome, loving, generous, wonderful son... I know what is lost through abortion, because I almost lost him. I can guarantee you that if you have your baby you will never regret NOT aborting. But, if you abort, I can almost as surely guarantee that there will be times when you will regret having had the aboriton...and there will be nothing you can do to go back and undo it. I'm SO glad you're getting hold of some prenatal vitamins. Folic acid is VERY important in those early weeks. Also, I want to echo Rachel's advice: look into WIC. It is an awesome program through your county health nurse that provides you with vouchers for healthy food while you're pregnant (and for a year after if you choose to nurse.) It also provides vouchers for your little one until he or she is five years old! BTW, I went on to complete my undergraduate degree and then completed my masters in instructional technology. I teach at a small liberal arts college in the midwest. My son, Geoffrey, turned 26 in December. (I ended up taking off a semester after he was born ;-) I now have six other children ranging down to age five. They are each such unique individuals. I know you can do this. It will be a challenge, but it will have such tremendous rewards that it will most definitely be worth it. Sharon [ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]

Replies:

[> Subject: Re: What to do, what to do.... Author: Pat [Edit] Date Posted: 03/ 4/06 4:20am Hi, Jenni, I want to encourage you to have your baby and go on to complete your schooling. I know you can do it because I did it. When I got my degree, I had four children, three of them preschoolers. It took me a little longer, but not that much longer. I didn't want to go fulltime anyway. I got my bachelor's. I know getting a master's degree is a bit more of a challenge, but you can do it. You have a family to support you. They can help you take care of the baby while you are in class. That is a wonderful resource. Your boyfriend may decide to act like a jerk. Don't let him get to you! He may come around later, and he may not. There are several women on this board who broke up with the father and went on to marry wonderful men who have been father to their children in every way except biologically. This is YOUR decision. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders. Listen to your heart! One other thing. If you decide to go through with an abortion, there is a good chance your degree won't matter to you afterwards, if you can't live with yourself. Most people don't think about that, but it's very real. Good luck with your planning. You'll do fine. Take one day at a time. Hugs, Pat

[> [> Subject: Re: What to do, what to do.... Author: Jenni [Edit] Date Posted: 03/ 4/06 10:08am I just want to thank everyone so much for all the kind words and encouragement. I will not admit to myself, or anyone else, yet that I have made my final decision, but I find myself thinking a lot about my future with a child in it...I have stopped drinking (since the day I found out), have started eating better, and have bought and started taking prenatal vitamins...I went out to dinner last night with a friend and found myself saying things like, "It's going to be so hard going to school with a baby...I can't decide if I want to just take a full year off, or try to go next semester while I'm in my third trimester." And "My father is going to be so upset...I hope he's not too disappointed." All of these things definately show where my mind is at, and that, for all intents and purposes, I have made up mind to keep the baby. I have not told my family yet...I am going to wait awhile...I am going to NY at the end of the month to visit a friend (during my spring break), and want to really enjoy this trip because it will likely be the last one I take for quite awhile. I know, however, that when I do tell my family, they will be very supportive...although I'm sure quite disappointed...My sister has a 1.5 year old who is the product of an unplanned pregnancy, and they have been nothing but wonderful with her. But my sister wasn't going to school...she didn't give up a whole lot to have the baby...I am the only one in my family who has gotten a college degree, let alone work towards a master's. But I know it'll be ok. They love and will be happy for me after the shock wears off. That's just the kind of family that they are. I'm rambling again...sorry...Thanks for listening. And thanks so much for those links! I really appreciate it.

[> [> [> Subject: Re: What to do, what to do.... Author: Tracey [Edit] Date Posted: 03/ 5/06 4:45am Jenni~ That's WONDERFUL news...I think once you make the decision, things start to make more sense and you're able to focus...when you haven't made up your mind, you just feel jumbled and more confused!!! We promise to help and support you in every way we can. Please let us know when you call those centers and let us know the results. In the meantime, take those pre-natal vitamins and whatever you do, make sure you get rest. Your body is busy right now forming a little life, so make sure you allow it adequate rest. BTW, make sure you eat first before taking your pre-natal vitamins...otherwise, they make you really nauseous. If you end up still get nauseous even after eating, it may just be that you need to switch pre-natal vitamins. I've had to do that a few times before. Jenni, I am SO proud of you for stepping up to the plate and taking on this amazing responsibility. You are going to love being a mommy! I know you think you're young, but I had my first child, my son(Logan), at 24, then my daughter(Regan) at 25, my other daughter(Riley), when I had just turned 27 and now I'm 28, due with my fourth(a boy)...you can see my three at the top of the page on the right. I LOVE being a mommy...there's nothing in this world like when your little one holds your face and sings to you or wraps their arms around you and says, "Mommy, I love you!" It just melts your heart! ;) Okay...I'm babbling! lol Please keep us posted and let us know how we can continue to help! We're here for you, Jenni! God bless, Tracey

[> [> [> Subject: Re: What to do, what to do.... Author: Melanie [Edit] Date Posted: 03/ 5/06 3:59pm Hi Jenni, I'm so happy that you have come to a positive resolution. Having a supportive family is such a huge blessing. :) If there is any way I can help, please feel free to just ask and I will do my best. --Melanie

[> [> [> [> Subject: Re: What to do, what to do.... Author: Jenni [Edit] Date Posted: 03/ 5/06 11:26pm So I had a pretty crappy night... I just told the father today that I am not planning on getting an abortion...and he freaked out. He told my how I am ruining everything. I am ruining his life and his future, and how I have not thought this through...that it is going to basically be horrible for everyone involved. How neither of us has money and he's not selling any of his "toys" so he can pay for diapers...he told me I am ruining my future and giving up my career goals. Then he told me that he's going to run away, that he can't handle this, that he wants no part of a family, and has never wanted a child. I cried and he apologized and said he just lost it, but I know he was being honest. I told him I wanted him in the child's life, and I hoped that he and I could work it out, and all he could ask me was how I would feel when he fell in love with someone else and I still had to have him in my life because we had a kid together... I am so utterly depressed...I feel like everything is falling apart. On top of that, I have an ENORMOUS amount of school work right now, with over 10 papers, projects, and presentations in the next two weeks...I just can't concentrate. I almost feel like I may as well drop out now...everything seems so hopeless. My baby doesn't need me to be stressing like this... Sorry for the length...just needed to vent... Jenni

[> [> [> [> [> Subject: Re: What to do, what to do.... Author: Donna [Edit] Date Posted: 03/ 6/06 5:50am Jenni, You go ahead and vent away. We are here for you ! I'm sorry you got this reaction from the father of your baby. I think it's typical of some men to try to make the women feel guilty about the pregnancy. He needs to remember this wasn't planned for you either. It's so easy for men to run from their responsibility. Hopefully this reaction came from the shock of the news and with some time to think it over he will realize he needs to be responsible and supportive to you. If he chooses not to be, you can still do this without him.Will it be easy? No, but will it be worth it? Heck Yeah !! You don't have to give up your career goals, it might just take a little longer getting there. If you need to take a break with your schooling, do it and keep in mind you can always continue later on. My guess is that when you lay eyes on your little one and get those hugs and hear I love you mommy..you will then know that everything that you went thru and temporarily sacrificed was so totally worth it !! If he chooses not to be a part of his child's life, it will be his loss. Hugs, Donna

[> [> [> Subject: Re: What to do, what to do.... Author: Dawn M. [Edit] Date Posted: 03/ 5/06 10:04pm Jenni, Hey! I am so happy you have decided enjoy the thrill of motherhood. At the end you will be happier than I am. I hope all goes well and I hope you stick around and keep us update on how you are doing. Dawn

[> [> [> Subject: Re: What to do, what to do.... Author: Sharon [Edit] Date Posted: 03/ 6/06 6:19am Jenni, Boy, he knows what buttons to push ("and all he could ask me was how I would feel when he fell in love with someone else and I still had to have him in my life because we had a kid together...") Unfortunately, his response is terribly common. True, there are some guys who really step up to the plate - even letting their girlfriend's know that THEY would be willing to raise the baby even if the mother is not willing. But, for every one guy like that I'd bet there are at least 10 who exhibit the opposite reaction. In fact, 65-80 percent of women who have abortions state that they would have NOT had an abortion if they'd felt supported. So, what that tells me is that LOTS of women are "choosing" abortion when it's NOT really their choice. (That's why I'm so firmly involved with Feminists for Life. It's a fascinating group. You should check them out.) First, you need to try your best NOT to worry about what HE thinks. He is going to lay extreme pressure (emotional and intellectual) on you to have an abortion because he thinks an abortion is in HIS best interest. True, he might try to couch his remarks in terms of how it is best for YOU, but he really doesn't care about that. He just wants to add strength to his argument. Second...actually, I don't know if there is a second, third, fourth... (I was going to try to give you arguments you could use: "aborting a first pregnancy results in a significantly increased chance of developing breast cancer even if no other risk factors are pregnant", "the embryo/fetus already has a heart, fingers, toes, brain waves, etc. - and here are some pictures of fetal development and of what abortion does to the fetus" [then take him to the www.priestsforlife.org or www.cbr.org sites - be careful, though, they are very graphic], "I'm going to have to live with the emotional effects of abortion the rest of my life, while you'll be able to forget it ever happened.") But, I realized he's too intent on having you make his life easier at his point: none of these arguments would phase him, I bet. Probably the best thing you can do is avoid him. It may be that he'll come around (many of them do) and WANT to play a role in his child's life. But, that can't be of concern to you right now. You need to focus on taking care of yourself and your baby (and those 10 papers/projects ;-) right now. You don't need emotional blackmail from him. Hang in there! Sharon

[> [> [> [> Subject: Re: What to do, what to do.... Author: Lori [Edit] Date Posted: 03/ 6/06 1:14pm Jenni, I too have been in your situation before and I know the fear that you have right now. Not to mention, your boyfriend isn't really being so supportive. Your right, you don't need this stress right now. If I were you I would just take some time away from this relationship and concentrate on you, school work and baby. He'll probably come around just like Sharon said. Most guys do come around eventually. If you ever need to talk feel free to email me anytime. God Bless, Lori

[> [> [> [> [> Subject: Re: What to do, what to do.... Author: Jenni [Edit] Date Posted: 03/ 6/06 6:13pm Thank you everyone so much for your support...yet again :) This guy has caused so much drama in my life...way to much to get into here, but it's just too bad that it has to be his kid I'm having...since this really should be one of the happiest times of my life... I am in no way going to let him sway me. I have made my decision, and I am sticking to it. I am already feeling pangs of excitement, and have even started thinking of names (which, apparently, I get to pick all by myself, so I have free range of choices!). I am still absolutely scared, stressed out, and haven't told my family yet (except my sister, who is soooooo excited), but I feel like I can handle this situation with the help I know I will receive. And, as I side note, I would never consider quitting school. I was just extremely stressed out...Now, I have another life to think of besides mine, and finishing this program and having the career of my dreams (being a pediatric occupational therapist) will enable me to provide the best life I can for my child and myself, regardless of if the father is in the picture. Oh, and I have used the arguments with the father that the little one already has a heartbeat, it's genetic characteristics determined, it's spine and brain forming rapidly, and already developing arms and legs, and that bothers him, but his response is, "it's not a baby yet...just take the pill" (as in the abortion pill)....I am still hoping he'll come around, but I won't hold my breath. Jenni

[> [> [> [> [> [> Subject: Re: What to do, what to do.... Author: Lori [Edit] Date Posted: 03/ 7/06 10:50pm Hi Jenni, I'm so glad that you are being so strong about this, I really admire your courage and motivation. Your going to make a wonderful mom. I'm glad that you have your sister to offer you support. Maybe your sister could help you tell your family?? I know you feel overwhelmed and stressed right now but just try to relax some. Make sure you get plenty of rest and take your vitamins. Please continue to keep us updated. YOu'll be in my thoughts and prayers. God Bless, Lori