Create a New Forum Admin Login Member Login Contribute to Voyager Search VoyForums Help Desk VoyForums Exchange VoyForums Directory/Categories VoyForums Homepage VoyForums News FAQ - Frequently Asked Questions

[ Show ]

Support VoyForums

[ Shrink ]

VoyForums Announcement: Programming and providing support for this service has been a labor of love since 1997. We are one of the few services online who values our users' privacy, and have never sold your information. We have even fought hard to defend your privacy in legal cases; however, we've done it with almost no financial support -- paying out of pocket to continue providing the service. Due to the issues imposed on us by advertisers, we also stopped hosting most ads on the forums many years ago. We hope you appreciate our efforts.

Show your support by donating any amount. (Note: We are still technically a for-profit company, so your contribution is not tax-deductible.) PayPal Acct: Feedback:

Donate to VoyForums (PayPal):

Friday, April 19, 15:17:49

[ Login ] [ Main index ] [ Post a new message ] [ Search | Check update time | Archives: 1, 2, [3], 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 ]

Subject: I have no one else to turn to... Author: Mandy ((scared and all alone)) [ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ] Date Posted: 12/29/07 5:33pm My name is Mandy, I'm 19, and just discovered that I am pregnant. I missed a period (maybe 2??), and I am experiencing morning sickness. My situation: I live at home with my parents, I have a part time job, and I am going to college. My boyfriend (whom got me pregnant) is 23 and lives with his parents still also. He is unemployed... I can't tell my parents about this, so i really just need someone to listen, and perhaps encourage me. My parents are very religious...meaning "pre-marrital sex is a sin". I agree with this...but alas...I am pregnant. Obviously, I'm a sinner. BUT...I believe abortion is murder, and so, even though that seems to be an "easy out", I WILL NOT allow myself to even consider it. My boyfriend...he says the decision is mine. He has expressed that he wants me to keep the baby, and he would help me raise it. I have expressed that I am seriously considering placing the baby up for adoption. He was angry about that...but still says it's up to me, and either way he will still be with me. BUT honestly, WHO KNOWS??? I am actually under the impression that he is in denial that i am pregnant, (I have no outward physical signs yet). I am praying to GOD that he doesn't see my tummy getting big, freak out, and leave me. I'm so scared. Neither of us are really in the position to care for a child. And I have no idea how my parents will react. They may find out and never let me out of the house to see my boyfriend again, or they will kick me out... I'm going crazy. because i just want so bad to be able to talk to my mom about it, without her going crazy. I feel so alone with my emotions. it's awful =[ I want to move out and get an apartment by myself, i dont even care if my boyfriend wants to. but i don't think i can afford it, on only $100 a week. wow i wrote alot, and i still feel like i haven't expressed all of my emotions on this... but i hope someone will read this... Mandy [ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]

Replies:

[> Subject: Re: I have no one else to turn to... Author: Shellie [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 12/30/07 11:32am Hi Mandy, I feel your fear and uncertainty in your post. I was wondering if you've taken a pregnancy test? I'm only asking because things other than pregnancy can cause nausea and missed periods. I can understand your parents’ belief that pre-marital sex is a sin. I agree with them. I have also failed in that aspect. I hope my kids do not follow my footsteps on that path. As I believe God makes rules to protect us. And it's in our best interest to wait for marriage. That being said, if one of my children becomes pregnant before marriage I would be disappointed. But in the end I would support them and love my grandchild. Your parents will most likely have a "negative" reaction at first. They need time to process their feelings. But most parents come to love their grandchild and are happy they came to be, no matter the circumstances that brought them here. I'm happy to see that you're not considering abortion. I will come back at another time to share more thoughts with you. And I hope you'll continue to post here. Take care, Shellie

[> Subject: Re: I have no one else to turn to... Author: Pat [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 12/30/07 3:07pm Hi, Mandy, There are a couple of things you can do about telling your parents. There are some articles on the internet that talk about it. I'll have to think where I put the link, but you can find it by looking in Google under "pregnant" and then the phrase "tell your parents" or a similar one. I also suggest you go to a crisis pregnancy agency. They can help you tell your parents, or even talk to them on your behalf. You can find one in your area here: www.pregnancycenters.org Good luck to you! As the grandmother of a baby born out of wedlock, I can tell you he is just as precious as my other five grandchildren. Your parents will be upset at first, and have every right to be, but it is very unlikely you won't get their wholehearted support in the end. Thank you so much for protecting your baby! Hugs, Pat

[> Subject: Re: I have no one else to turn to... Author: mandy [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 01/ 2/08 10:23am thanks for your reply. what do you think about adoption?? I have a cousin who placed a child up for adoption, and she is only a few years older than i am. Also my aunt placed a child up for adoption. They informed about how the children are doing and whatnot. I think this may be my best option.

[> [> Subject: Re: I have no one else to turn to... Author: Heather [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 01/ 2/08 11:54am Hi Mandy, I think adoption is a great option! I don't think it gets as much attention as it deserves. It's often a win/win situation. I'm somewhat biased, I guess. My husband was adopted and I am thankful every day that his birthmom was so mature, beautiful and loving in her choice to let him be adopted. His adopted parents were also profoundly thankful and blessed by the gift of having him. They did an excellent job raising him and now he has the benefit of knowing his birthmom, too. We see her and her husband a couple times a year. The neat thing about adoption now is that in the last 10 years or so it has become extremely flexible. It used to be that when you placed a child for adoption you walked away, but now with adoption agencies the birthmom has a lot say in the matter, even choosing the parents she wants for her baby and can check in from time to time to reassure herself that the baby/child is doing well. I think every birthmom needs that reassurance, and most adoptive parents are more than happy to send along photos and updates from time to time. The woman who delivered my children said something regarding adoption once that I thought was very profound. She said she never refers to it as 'giving up' a baby but instead considers it just 'giving.' Placing the child proactively in it's best environment instead of 'losing' them. It think that's an important perspective. You sound very kind and forward thinking, and whether you realize it or not are already conducting yourself as an excellent mother by consider the well-being of your baby. Whether you choose to keep him/her yourself and raise them or place them with another loving couple I think you and they will do just fine. Let us know if you need help with resources! They're everywhere. With Kindness, Heather

[> [> Subject: Re: I have no one else to turn to... Author: Pat [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 01/ 2/08 9:12pm Hi, Mandy, Adoption is a good, though difficult, choice. So is parenting when you're not ready. However, I'll just tell you of my personal experience. We adopted two children after we had two, and we have seven altogether. We love all our children equally fiercely. Everyone in the family is extremely close. We forget who was adopted. Seriously! All our children are grown now, and we have grandchildren. One of our adopted ones has a son, born out of wedlock. Both his parents are taking wonderful care of him, and I don't see him as any different from our other grandchildren, and neither does anyone else. Our younger daughter had miscarriages, and she was devastated by them. So they decided to adopt, and they have two. They are also wonderful kids, and all of our grandchildren are well disciplined, happy children. Our two adopted children decided to search for their birth families. We gave them our full support. At the time we adopted, closed adoption was the norm. The older one is not at the moment interested in pursuing it, but the younger one has continued, and called me recently about filing some papers with the government to get the information on his birth family. Our daughter's adoptions are open. Both birth mothers chose them. I don't think the birth mothers actually meet with the children, but I think she and her husband do. It has worked out well for them. Give it some more serious thought, and just know that we will be here for you whatever you decide. Hugs, Pat

[> [> [> Subject: Re: I have no one else to turn to... Author: Mandy [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 02/25/08 7:27am Well, it's me again. I am now 2 months pregnant. I am absolutely positive that I want to give this child up for adoption. I need to start looking into my options now. I have heard that there are people who are willing to pay hospital bills and such for my pregnancy. I can't keep this baby, even though my boyfriend now has an ok job, I know he may not love me as much as he says. I don't know for sure what will happen in the future for sure with him (although I hope we stay together). I am not keeping this baby just because HE wants it, because He may not always be here for me and my baby. ANd I DONT WANT IT ALONE. so there is no question here. I still have not gone to a doctor, or even told my mom... I was hoping to keep this a secret as long as possible. BUT I dont want this baby to be born with health problems...I have heard I need to take folic something-or-other. anyone with knowledge on this? i'm pretty sure mom knows i'm pregnant. i feel childish to have to hide this, when i am now 20 yrs old. but mom noticed i missed 2 periods. and i try not to show that i've been feeling sick, but its hard to hide sometimes... ANyways, i would appreciate input of any sort. thanks, Mandy

[> [> [> [> Subject: Re: I have no one else to turn to... Author: Lori [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 02/28/08 2:47am Hi Mandy, I do know what your going through. I experienced a unplanned pregnancy at the age of twenty as well. If you would like to read my story just go to http://www.geocities.com/pregnancyhelpnow/continuestories.html . You should take prenatal vitamins. If you go to your local drug store you can ask the pharmacist to show you the best. It's very important to get vitamins high in folic acid. If you go to your local crisis pregnancy center, they can give you information on adoption, they also can provide information about resources that are available to you such as prenatal insurance that is offered by the government. They also have counseling that is available. To find a local crisis pregnancy center close to you go to http://www.pregnancycenters.org/. We would love to support you in any way that we can. I do recommend that you tell your mom. I know that this may be the hardest thing that you have ever had to do but its very important to go ahead and let her know. Do you have a friend that you could possibly invite over so that you wouldn't have to be alone when you told her? There are many other ways to tell as well. I've heard of some women writing a letter to their mom and giving it to her. Please feel free to email me any time. And of course your welcome to the board any time, please continue to come back and give us a update. Your in my thought and prayers. God Bless, LOri

[> [> [> [> Subject: Re: I have no one else to turn to... Author: Sharon [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 03/ 3/08 2:35pm Mandy, I'm sorry you're going through all of this right now. One thing to life your spirits: you're almost past the morning sickness mark! Usually the morning sickness (or all day sickness, in my case ;-) ends when you leave the first trimester. I echo Lori's message that you need to get vitamins. I'd contact a local adoption agency - an area crisis pregnancy center can give you contact information on them. (Look in the Yellow Pages un "abortion alternatives" for crisis pregnancy centers.) Also, if money is an issue, most states have programs that will cover your prenatal visits and your labor and delivery. You'd want to check with your county health nurse and/or a crisis pregnancy center for information on that. Don't feel bad about choosing adoption. That is a VERY loving act. In fact, I'm always heartbroken by hearing women say they're choosing abortion because they couldn't stand to place their baby in an adoptive home. That seems so supremely selfish! So, the fact that you KNOW you're not ready to have a baby and know that you want your baby to grow up in a stable home says a GREAT deal about you as a mother. Even though you don't plan to raise your child, you are given him or her an incredible gift - a gift that reflect deep caring on your part. Have you thought about open adoption? There are varying levels of interaction that families and birth mothers choose, but basically you get to know the family adopting your baby and maintain contact with your baby as he or she grows. The women I know who've chosen this route have wonderful things to say about it. I'll say a prayer for you. Sharon

[> [> [> [> Subject: Re: I have no one else to turn to... Author: Pat [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 03/ 5/08 7:07pm Hi, Mandy, I got distracted; I apologize for the delay. Adoption is a good choice. We have four adopted children in our family. Usually the adoptive parents pay medical costs. Look around, talk to a crisis pregnancy agency. They can tell you about adoption opportunities in your area. You can also work on adoption through the internet. I can't give you any information on how good any of the sites are. Adoption will most likely be difficult emotionally, but it is a very loving thing to do, and you can keep in touch with the adoptive parents if you want. Good luck to you! Hugs, Pat

[> Subject: Re: I have no one else to turn to... Author: luka [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 03/ 1/08 6:55am Hi Mandy :) I think adopting your baby out can be a positive thing but i hope you do consider the possibility that when you see your baby and hold her or him in your arms that you may never want to let her go. It's hard to comprehend what that feels like untill you're there. Seeing your baby for the first time changes everything.. Just know that keeping your baby is ok too i would hate for you to have your baby and have all these feelings but then feel pressured to give her up by those around you.

[> [> Subject: Adoption? Author: Mandy [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 03/10/08 7:12am Hi, Thanks for everyone's input. Well, I am well over 2 months pregnant. Morning sickness lasts all day many days, and I know I've gained some weight. I hope I get over morning sickness very soon. I still have not decided what I am going to do with this unexpected baby. I don't know if I should keep it, or give it up. My mom now knows about my being pregnant. She had been guessing actually for awhile. I just came right out and told her. She wasn't as shocked or hurt/angry as I had expected. my main question is, what happens if i commit to giving the baby up, but then, when he/she is born, i change my mind? and the thought of giving him/her up is too much? Thanks, Mandy

[> [> [> Subject: Re: Adoption? To answer your question.... Author: Shellie [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 03/25/08 2:29pm Hi Mandy, You do not have to commit to place your baby. You can research it and give it more thought. You still have several months to consider things. And I advise that you do not make a final decision any time soon. Hugs, Shellie

[> Subject: Re: I have no one else to turn to... Author: Octavia [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 04/ 1/08 5:58pm Hi Mandy, I know things may feel like they are about to come down, but you have to look at the overall picture...your unborn child. What is in the child's best interest. Pnce you have that figured out then you know the decision you have to make, and I'm sure whatever decision you make will be the right one. Please let me know how everything has turned out. Take care Octavia

[> Subject: Re: I have no one else to turn to... Author: mary f [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 11/10/08 5:38pm i am adopted myself and have 2 adopoted god-children, so i can understand both sides...you do not have to give up the baby though for financial reasons. never let financial concerns determine your decision on this. i am a college teacher and i have many studnets who have been in your situation. you can get pell grants, loans, and other sources of income, and some schools provide daycare too. i do believe very strongly in adoption as well however.