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Thursday, March 28, 13:13:42Login ] [ Main index ] [ Post a new message ] [ Search | Check update time | Archives: 12[3]45678910 ]
Subject: don't know where to turn


Author:
jane (confused)
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Date Posted: 01/14/09 10:43am

Hello, i need some help, im in a horrible situation and don't know where to turn. a few weeks ago i discovered i was pregnant, i was a mess n scared of telling my partner of 3years. I eventually found the courage to tell him and was upset by by the way he straight away assumed i would get an abortion. I found myself in this position 2years ago with the same partner, we both decided an abortion was the best option i was 8weeks pregnant at the time of the abortion and although knew it was the right thing at the time i stil feel abit of regret and loss. This time we are older but still very much in the same situation. The problem is that it is against my boyfriends religion to be with me and his family do not know about me, he is also legally married although not with his partner. After long descussions we agreed i should again have an abortion, i feel very torn at this descision and don't know if i can go through it again. I had a scan and discovered i am already 11weeks by abortion was booked for 2weeks after this making me 13weeks. My appointment was yesterday but in my heart i couldn't do it. My boyfriend was angry and said i can keep the baby but he is leaving me, then he told me he will have to move away so that he doesn't put shame on his family, i know if he moves away from his family it will break his heart. what do i do have my baby still and let him lose his family and cause them pain which will be all my fault or have an abortion and cause my own pain.

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Replies:
[> Subject: Re: don't know where to turn


Author:
Pat
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Date Posted: 01/15/09 1:13am

Hi, Jane,

There is someone you are leaving out of the equation: your baby. He or she already has a completely formed body, but is still very small. As for your boyfriend, he knowingly put you at risk. Yes, you cooperated, but he really had a duty to protect you, and he didn't. Why should you harm your baby to keep him from having to shame his family? They're already shamed; they just don't know it.

You also should ask why doing the right thing hurts so much!

Now, all of that said, I urge you to protect your baby. Your baby is depending on you for your protection. You already know how you will react to abortion. What you don't know is what other things might go wrong. You could have complications; it could even disable or kill you. Do you really owe this to a man who wants to abandon you or coerce you to submit to such a risk? I don't think you do! Your boyfriend OWES you his support. He doesn't get a free get out of jail card! He thinks he can run away. Maybe you're better off without him.

He may think better of it later, and you should be aware of the possibility. But he already cheated on his wife! You deserve someone better. Don't worry about breaking his heart. He already broke yours, twice.

I've walked in the shoes of his family. I have a grandson who was born out of wedlock. He is precious! I am SO glad his mother protected his life! I have six other grandchildren, and I don't see him any differently from them. Sure, we like to get our pride puffed up and think we were the perfect parents, but the truth is, we all make mistakes. The important thing is not to compound the mistakes we make!

If you don't want an abortion, don't have one!

Do you need any kind of counseling or material help? Let us know. We're in your corner and we love you both.

Hugs,
Pat
[> Subject: Re: don't know where to turn


Author:
Heather
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Date Posted: 01/15/09 8:46am

Hi Jane,

I'm glad you found this site. I can see how your situation would be very stressful.

If you'd like an outside perspective, I think the factor of what your boyfriends family will suffer, and to a lesser extent even what your boyfriend will have to face if (hopefully when!) you keep your baby is looming far to large for you.

What are the priorities? What's most important right now? You have a new human life growing inside of you that doesn't deserve to be terminated on the grounds that is is not ideal timing or circumstances, or that someone else will have an objection to their existence. They already exist! And they are a human being in their own right, and one who needs protection at that.

Second, you are ultimately the one who should be making this choice. You've indicated both that you were distressed by your last abortion, and the loss that followed, and that you would like to keep this baby. You've also indicated that you are concerned about the advanced state of your pregnancy at the time of your abortion.

Your boyfriend may or may not stay around. His family may or may not accept you. They may or may not disown him. But abortion in permanent and it will definitely take a human life and further wound you. It is not the quick fix and solution it is offered on the surface. It will simply be replacing a challenging situation with death and grief.

I'd love to see you be able to explore other solutions that will not result in death and loss for you and your baby. Do you have family of your own that can support you? Do you live near a pregnancy resource center that you can go to for support and assistance?

This is your baby. If you have instincts telling you to protect him or her, you have the right to listen to those!

To point out the obvious, your boyfriend should not be pressuring you to abort if you aren't comfortable with doing so. Even if he is scared. If he loves you, he needs to consider what he's asking of you/doing to do you and work with you to support you and your child together. It doesn't have to be easy for him, and he should not be putting the full burden of grief and pain on you. If he cares enough about you to be with you and father a child with you, he should care enough to stand by you as you raise the child and not be fearful of his family. He is a grown man, presumably, and should be making his own choices apart from his family. If he has chosen you, to be with you, he should not be hiding that choice.

Your health and well being are very important. You're a valuable human being and your the sanctity of your life should also be respected.

I don't know what country you're from, but in most countries there is much support, financial, emotional and otherwise, for women in unplanned pregnancies. If you'd like us to help you find some of those resources in your area, we'd be glad to!

Hang in there and take good care of yourself. Circumstances and emotions shift and change, and in my experience aren't the best criteria for making life altering decisions. Those seem to be best made by overriding truths.

With Kindness,

Heather
[> Subject: Re: don't know where to turn


Author:
Melanie
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Date Posted: 01/16/09 9:47pm

Wow, your boyfriend is in a tough place in that he now has to decide if he really has some committment to you, or not. It's funny how pregnancy tests people that way sometimes.

The truth is that if you keep your baby, and there are repercussions to your boyfriend, then that is NOT your fault. He was a willing partner, and pregnancy is one of the things that happens. It isn't your fault, nor is it the fault of your baby.

I think it is really sweet of you to be concerned for him and his family. He should likewise be concerned for you and not ask you to do something that will bring both harm to you and harm to the child that is part of you both.

Has he ever said what he plans to do with your relationship? Was the plan to go on indefinitely hiding things? The problem with that sort of secrets is that they usually do come out somehow at one time or another. More than likely you are only prolonging the inevitable by having an abortion.

One thing that can come of this is that he will also have to make some tough choices, and they are probably things he should have decided long before now. You are not responsible for what he has chosen to do. You cannot predict or be responsible for how others react. You can be responsible in how you react.

It is not wrong for you to want to keep your baby. It's natural.

Seek out whatever support you can find. If I can help you find that in some way, please let me know.

--Melanie
[> Subject: Re: don't know where to turn


Author:
Sharon
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Date Posted: 01/19/09 11:51am

Jane,

I'm hoping I choose the right words...I deeply feel for what you are going through right now. Because of what you've already been through, you know how difficult an abortion can be on a relationship. It's unusual that a relationship survives an abortion. Usually, there are very deep currents of resentment, pain, and sorrow that create tremendous stress and make it hard for a relationship to survive. It sounds like in many ways you've been the one who has had to "swallow" your feelings and "make everything all right". That's a terrible burden.

I believe you need to listen to your heart. It sounds like the first abortion has weighed heavily on you. While there is nothing you can do to go back and change previous events, you have a new chance to stand up for yourself and your child. True, it may be something your boyfriend doesn't support. But, if he truly loves you, he will come around to realizing that you protected his child as well. If you have another abortion to make him happy, you will once again be embarking down a road where you are having to compromise the very deepest parts of yourself (your desire to protect your child) in order to make everything ok in the relationship. If you don't have the abortion, it may create conflict in the relationship. But, that will pass. And, most importantly, you will have your child.

I know it is very hard (especially since you've already had an abortion) to look at the pictures of what abortion actually does and how developed the fetus actually is during those early weeks of gestation, but it is important to be honest with ourselves. Sometimes acknowledging the pain of realizing what we've done is the only way we move forward. And, it might empower you to stand up to those around you who want to have you abort because it is essentially easier on them if you do. I know there are a few websites out there that provide access to those very difficult pictures.

I almost aborted my first child because my boyfriend wanted me to. I changed my mind and cancelled the appointment. My son just recently had his first son. It is chilling and humbling to realize that I held both of their lives in my hands when I made "my" choice nearly 30 years ago...

I'll say a prayer for you.

Sharon



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