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Subject: Can't decide? Author: Stephanie [ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ] Date Posted: 12/19/07 12:34pm I am very confused today. I am a 33 year old single mother of three children ages 13,9,and 4(2 different fathers). I am nine weeks pregnant and have only been with this man for about 5 months. We truly do care about each other-however he is 10 years older than me with no children and doesn't want any. He is great to my children. My anxiety comes on so strong that I cannot even breath sometimes. I made an appointment for an abortion two weeks ago and didn't show up. Tried to tell myself it was b/c I didn't have a ride. Now, I'm not sure. I have another appt. set up for this Fri.(in two days). Thought that was what I really wanted to do now I can't decide.Some days I have great clarity on my decision then others I am very clouded. I have had two abortions in my life already and after the last one(less then 2 years ago)I said I will never so that again. I know my children will be very sad with another sibbling. I am very busy as a mom and full time student-I was hoping to graduate in the spring. OMG! I really don't know what to do-either way I have a feeling this relationship will probly be over I can imagine the stress being too much for him. He is very clear that he isn't at a good time to be a father and I can't decide if he's trying to sway my choice or if he's really being honest? Some of the things he says confuses me. He also has a very casual attitude toward abortion. Not sure what to do no one to talk to not even my mom. My mother told me to never tell her if I was pregnant again unless I was going to have it. I feel very nervous today. Is this coincidence or what, but my dream last night was of him bulldozing down my house. I think that says a lot. Help please, fast! [ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]

Replies:

[> Subject: Re: Can't decide? Author: Pat [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 12/19/07 9:35pm Hi, Stephanie, It sounds to me like you don't want an abortion. That is coming through very clear. It sounds to me like you are looking for a way out. If you don't want an abortion, don't have one! You already decided you never would again. If this man cares for you as much as you think he might, he would never expect you to do this. Abortion is dangerous and could kill you or disable you so you can't care for your other children. Whether he wants any children is really beside the point now. He HAS a child. The only choice open to him is whether to have a living child or a dead child. You will resent him if you have an abortion you don't want. You're right: the relationship won't last. There is a chance it will last if you carry your baby. Some men don't accept pregnancy as quickly as we women do, because they don't have the kind of experiences we do. They don't have evidence until they can observe for themselves: a change in our body, hearing the heartbeat, seeing an ultrasound, or feeling movement. Many men then accept and welcome their child at this point. Some don't until birth, and some never do. What kind of man do you have? Is it someone who will cherish you no matter what, or one who expects you to harm yourself in order to remain acceptable to him? It's one way to find out. I'd tell him about the stress he has put you under by telling you it's not a good time for him to be a father, and that if he cares about you, he won't do that to you. As for the stress being too much for him, he's obviously trying to heap it all on you, so he can escape. He can walk away. You can't. Whatever you do will have a permanent impact on your life. It really doesn't matter if he's trying to pressure you or if he's being honest. Either way, you deserve a man who will cherish you both, not one who wants you to submit to such a deep invasion of your body. Don't assume your children will be upset. If they knew you did away with their sibling, they might be a lot more upset. Regardless of whether they know the reason or not, they'll sense what you are going through, and it will make them insecure. If they figure out the reason, they may either be afraid if they don't measure up, you'll do away with them, too, or they may feel survivor guilt. It will almost certainly make being their mother emotionally more difficult. You will need to be able to go through some counseling or other help to deal with the abortions you already have had, so you can experience emotional and spiritual healing. But don't assume your children will be sad. Why would they? Another sibling means the love goes in more directions. Here's what I would do. Your mind is telling you in no uncertain terms not to do this. You have already made my decision, but you are afraid you will be coerced. So I'd just tell him quietly but firmly that you have made your decision. You will not have an abortion. He can do whatever he wants, but your decision is firm. Sometimes people will accept it when you tell them that. Tell your mother. Ask for her support. Tell her you want to have this baby, and you need to be able to lean on her. If the father pressures you, repeat, you have made your decision. If he won't leave you alone, leave the room, or refuse to see him for awhile. Tell him you don't want to hear from him until he respects your decision. It's your body, and your choice. You will probably need some kind of help. Being a single mother with four children isn't easy. You can go to a crisis pregnancy agency and get help. If you need any help locating one, let us know. Also, don't feel you can't graduate. I had a baby in the middle of one of my semesters of college, was out for a week (my choice), and then aced my courses for the semester. I continued to go to school for another year and graduated. At the time, I had four children, three of them preschoolers. With a 13 year old, you can probably lean on him or her for babysitting during class time. If you have to go half time for two semesters, do it, but you may well be able to go fulltime and graduate as planned. Lots of mothers have done it. You are a lot stronger than you think. Give yourself a chance. I know you can do it! We will be here for you. Come and vent anytime, keep us up to date. We will be here regardless of what you do and we will pray for you. We won't help you hurt yourself and your baby, but we will give you all the support we can give for the both of you. Your baby is depending on you for your protection. Please protect your baby! Hugs, Pat

[> Subject: Re: Can't decide? Author: Sharon [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 12/20/07 10:14am Stephanie, I want to say so much, but I don't know where to start. First, it really sounds like you don't want to have an abortion, but that you feel there may be no other way (or that it's best for the others in your life.) You know, from experience, how much abortion impacts your life and your emotions. So, I don't need to tell you that. But, I do feel I need to point out that the single most important indicator of whether or not a woman will regret an abortion and suffer emotional fall-out from it is IF she felt SHE didn't WANT to have the abortion but had to have it for external reasons (to keep a job, to not have to quit school, to please a boyfriend, husband, or parents, because she didn't have enough money, etc.) So, I'm REALLY worried that you're setting yourself up for feeling some serious emotional aftereffects. Second, while your kids might be sad about the prospect of a new sibling at first, I can almost guarantee you they would be thrilled when their little sister or brother finally actually did arrive. Same with your parents. They'd welcome this new little one with open arms. Third, regardless of your relationship with the baby's father right now, an abortion will likely affect it negatively. You will end up resenting him and it will be a negative force in your relationship. So, if there is hope for this relatioship continuing in a positive way, it is probably most likely if you don't have an abortion. True, it may be that he will leave saying it's just too much responsibility - but if that's the case, you're better off without him. But, it MAY be that he will actually step up to the plate a be a good father. Regardless, the chances for the relationship continuing in a positive way are GREATER if you continue the pregnancy than if you abort. Fourth, there are a NUMBER of resources that open up to you if you are pregnant. One of the most important is the Women Infants and Children program (WIC). It's through your county health nurse's office. It's a great program that provides you with vouchers for good, healthy food while you're pregnant (and for a year afterwards if you decide to nurse) and for your baby until he or she is 5 years old! You'll get free milk, eggs, cheese, beans, peanut butter, iron-fortified cereal, and juice! It's great (making me hungry just typing this ;-) Finally, and most importantly, as you know...you can end a pregnancy, but you can't erase it. Right now, your little one has only you to depend upon. His entire being is resting in your hands. I know. I almost aborted my first son 28 years ago. When I look at him and know how close I came to aborting him (I, too, had an appointment but I cancelled it), it sends a chill through me. He is now one of my dearest friends. At the moment I was making "my choice", I was holding all that he has become in my hands. That is a chilling thought. But, I am eternally grateful that I cancelled that appointment. I'll say a prayer for you, Stephanie, that you have peace and clarity and strength. Sharon

[> Subject: Re: Can't decide? Author: Stephanie [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 12/20/07 10:46pm Well, I still feel very anxious and scared. At times I don't think that I even like this man anymore. That terrifies me to think that I might have another baby and no additional support physical and emotional. I am very greatful for the comments that I did receive on this board and so fast. I really don't know what I will do tomorrow. I felt that yesterday I would go through with the appt. but today I don't feel that is right. I would be so broke, tired, maxed out, and now I am not sure I want to be with this man?!! Is that my hormones? seriously I can't filter the rationale anymore about my feelings toward him. I also feel like if I don't want to be with him why suffer and have his baby. What am I going to do? I know I will hate Christmas after Fri if I go to my appt. You know, he hasn't even asked me how I am feeling about tommorow. I told him last night that I am having second thoughts and he said of course you are...I really need a little more moral support. I hope I am not just making up excuses to get rid of him? Why can't I decide?

[> [> Subject: Re: Can't decide? Author: Heather [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 12/21/07 12:05pm Hi Stephanie, I don't know if this post will still be applicable to you, but I would say if you're not sure you want to go through with the abortion, don't think you have to. Appointments are canceled all the time. You can always change your mind and make another appointment but you can't ever bring back a human life taken through abortion. I'm really sorry for the difficulty you're having right now. All of your feelings are completely understandable. Take good care of yourself. Heather

[> [> Subject: Re: Can't decide? Author: Pat [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 12/21/07 12:29pm I have only a minute, and it's fairly late in the day, so I'll write more later, but I just wanted to remind you this is your baby, too, and that is what will be foremost on your mind no matter what you do. Hugs, Pat

[> [> Subject: Re: Can't decide? Author: Stephanie [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 12/21/07 2:32pm Well, I can't tell you all how much I really like reading your supportive words. I went to my appt this morning semi-paralyzed. I couldn't get out of the car for 15 minutes. I finally made my self go in and fill out the papers, got my finger pricked and even made it to a room. Once the nurse lady came in to speak to me it was over from there. I could't stop crying and felt so terrible that she pretty much sent me home. I went to the waiting room to get my b/f and he was nowhere to be found. He left me there.So, I started to walk home. He told me later that he needed to get his oil changed and that it was for me that he did that so we could get home...I live only two miles from the building. I was so sad. I needed him and he wasn't there. He couldn't believe that I was walking around so good. I told him that was b/c I didn't do it. I am so sad today I never thought in a million years that he would have left me there let alone feel so sad. Not sure what to do now about anything. I feel more alone now than I did before today.I don't know how I am going to parent 4 children alone?

[> [> [> Subject: Re: Can't decide? Author: Sharon [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 12/21/07 6:22pm Stephanie, My heart hurts hearing the sadness you're feeling right now. I pray that it will be replaced by peace and joy, especially in this Christmas season. It's ironic (poetic, actually) when you think about it - that 2000 years ago a woman found herself with an unplanned pregnancy (at least unplanned by her! ;-) I truly believe that every child is here for a reason, I believe. God doesn't make mistakes... I will be praying for you whenever you come to mind. Hang in there. It will get better. Rest in the peace that God knows what He's doing - He will provide a path for you. It might not be easy at first, but I promise you that you will be rewarded MANY times over for choosing to give your child life... Sharon

[> Subject: Re: Can't decide? Author: Shellie [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 12/21/07 10:34am Hi Stephanie, I'm sorry I didn't reply sooner. I hope with all my heart that you do not show up for that appointment today. I just want to quickly say that the emotions you go through during pregnancy (especially the early part of and unplanned one) can really throw you. I can't tell you how many times I've heard women say they felt like they didn't even like their husband/boyfriend for a couple of months! It's normal to not want the pregnancy, initially. That's one of the sad things about abortion....they are usually done during the same time-frame that the woman is feeling "I don't want this baby!", and they are dealing with the fear and uncertainty that is normal in this life changing situation. But if only they gave it more time, these women would see that perspectives change. The same women who initially do not want the baby, turn out to be overjoyed to have their new little surprises. It's also normal for the father to share the same fears (-minus the hormones). It's hard to say whether he will eventually support you and love his child, it has a lot to do with how committed he is to you. Men who have no intentions of being with the woman forever, usually want to split after learning about the baby. Men who are committed to the woman will usually break out of the initial fear phase and later become supportive of continuing. Let us know what you've decided and how you're doing! Take care, Shellie

[> Subject: Hi Stephanie Author: Shellie [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 12/22/07 11:25am Hi Stephanie, I'm so sorry you are hurting so badly right now. I'd give you a hug if I could! I can sort of relate to some of your feelings. I have had 2 pregnancies that were not in the best of situations. Feeling alone and unloved/unsupported is an awful place to be. But I can tell you that it's a temporary thing. You will find happiness again. Perhaps this is just a rough spot in your relationship and your boyfriend has slipped into temporary "jerk mode". Or maybe you'll discover he's not the one for you. Either way, you will get through this. Please continue to post here. We'd love to support you throughout your entire pregnancy--and beyond! You are in my prayers! Shellie

[> [> Subject: Re: Hi Stephanie Author: luka [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 12/30/07 3:22am Stephanie, you haven't posted in a while does this mean you had an abortion? I'm not here judging you if you did but i wondered how your going regardless of what decision was made. I am a single mum of 4- 3 have the same father. Having 4 on your own can be a juggling act sometimes but also fun and its wonderful to have such close loving children who love each other tremendously. I can imagine things being easier if you have at least one slightly older child like you do. I want to echo what the other ladies have said but to also validate everything you have written i completely understand your confusion i have been there more than a few times myself. Things do get better one way or another -thats something i have learned through my 2 unplanned pregnancies and various rough patches in my life. I have felt divine discontent a few times and really it was like being in an insecapable nightmare at times- i never thought i'd be happy again- usually because of some man. But i was happy again and a hell of alot stronger and more capable once out the other side- and there is another side for you too. There is a quote by Winston Churchill that says- "If youre going through hell keep going' - i can only assume it's for my before mentioned reasons- because you WILL come out the other side. So don't be afraid, take a deep breath and know that somehow some way you will be allright. If youre still pregnant this is the hard part- all the angst and apprehension will dissipate, you will feel these things for a little while and hopefully you wil have your baby and all the heartache will be for something so worthy and precious. I am here to support you no matter what- yes i am a stranger but a compassionate non judgmental person who has been where you are and who does care. Please come back and let us know how you and your family are going. x

[> [> [> Subject: Re: Hi Stephanie Author: stephanie [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 01/ 1/08 3:15pm Thank you for the wonderful message! I have not done anything yet. I just cannot seem to get focused enough to figure out what is right for me. My boyfriend and I have offically broken up right after Christmas. This has caused too much strain I suppose. He pretty much told me that I am selfish and that he doesn't ever want to look at me again. Well, that leaves me in a very sad and helpless place. I am glad that if he doesn't want to be with me that he ends it rather than pretend to be happy. I don't think that I was really happy either. All that said, I feel like the only possible outcome would be to terminate. I am so exhausted thinking about what to do I wish it would all end and go away. I have to start school on the 7th and my schedule will be crazy busy. All the kids have afterschool sports or activities and I can't imagine trying to do all that with being preggers or trying to bring along another child. Still feeling desperate after all this time.

[> [> [> [> Subject: Re: Hi Stephanie Author: Pat [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 01/ 1/08 10:57pm Hi, Stephanie, My heart goes out to you. If you aren't constantly at war in your own mind, it will relieve a lot of the stress. For you to protect your baby is NOT selfish. It requires some sacrifice, as you well know. Unfortunately, having an abortion will NOT make it end and go away. You will have had this precious child, and you will take away that precious protection and it will probably haunt you the rest of your life. Women who say they're fine with it aren't always telling the whole story. They don't feel they can talk about it, and they're still wishing it would all go away, and they think if they don't think about it, it will. The problem is, even though we are not consciously aware of it, we have already bonded with our children, and that bond will be disrupted, and emotionally it will affect us one way or another. Think of the possible consequences if you are harmed in some way and can't take care of your other children, or you lose interest in completing your studies. I have known women for whom this was tragic in itself. The consequences, both emotional and physical, are severe, and there is no guarantee you will be one of the lucky few. Please know that in order to do an abortion, they have to harm your body. Why? Because our bodies were designed to protect our children, and if they disrupt that, it causes grave harm. I think it is criminal you even have to MAKE such a decision. A pregnancy should bring joy, and as long as you have this hovering over your head, it won't. It is common for a woman not to want to be pregnant at first, even when the baby is very wanted, and it's a hormone thing. Did I tell you that I got my degree when we had four children, three of them preschoolers? I had the help of my husband part of the time, because he took care of them while I was in class. But you can get help from a crisis pregnancy agency to find a way to care for your children while you are in class. What's selfish about all of this? That you won't do your boyfriend's bidding and take care of the little problem so he can take advantage of you again. You're not thinking of him and putting his desires first. Well, it isn't his decision. It's yours, because you have to live with the consequences. He doesn't. And I think that's what is eating you emotionally. You don't want an abortion. You have made that very plain. You are not a good candidate, because you really don't want it. You have a right to have your baby. It may seem like a strange right, but believe me, you will understand if you protect that little one. Anyway, I urge you to protect your baby. If my experience has any validity, I can tell you that I have talked to hundreds of women, and in that time, I have only talked to a woman ONCE who wished she had had an abortion. And she fought to keep custody of her baby when they wanted to take her away. But the number of women who have expressed their regrets from having an abortion has been overwhelming. They would give anything to take it back, but they can't. Abortion is forever. At least as long as you are still pregnant, you have a choice. Abortion ends that choice. The most typical thing I hear these women say is, Not a day goes by that I don't think about that baby (the one they aborted). Please save yourself a lot of grief. Don't hurt yourself or your baby. We will help you find the resources you need to make it through school. Have you talked to someone at a crisis pregnancy agency yet? If not, PLEASE do. You can find one in your area by going here: www.pregnancycenters.org At least talk to them before you do anything. It is an opportunity to save your soul and your motherhood of all your children, and you most likely will always regret you didn't take a look at your options. Regardless of what you do, we will be here for you. We just won't help you hurt yourself or your baby. We love you both. Hugs, Pat

[> [> [> [> Subject: Re: Hi Stephanie Author: Heather [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 01/ 2/08 11:47am Hi Stephanie, It's really good to see a post from you. I was disappointed because I wrote a lengthy post to you over a week ago and somehow it got lost in cyberspace and never made it to the board. That happens sometimes. I absolutely agree with Pat, your decision to protect a human life instead of terminate it is the polar opposite of selfish. I think a lot of men struggle with perspective on the abortion issue. It's more challenging for them, I think, because they can know in their mind that the woman is pregnant but it doesn't register to the full extent of reality what it all means because it's not their body. If it's any consolation, you're not alone at all. It seems to be a trend for a lot of men to back out of a relationship when a hoped for abortion doesn't materialize. Unfortunately, many back out after the abortion, too. Too much strain and stress for the halfway committed, as you noted. The other good news is the same as the consolation - you're not alone! There are thousands and thousands of women who have been in your place and managed an unplanned pregnancy very well. Some women really surprise themselves. I think just about every woman posting here is a mother themself, and knows what's entailed with having a baby - both the sheer joys and the challenges. I don't think anyone here would try to say - 'it'll be no problem!' Clearly, it will be challenging if you have another baby. However, it will be challenging in quite different and possibly more devastating ways to have the abortion. Many post abortive women feel either months or years later that the choice was not the easy erase they thought they were signing up for. The permanence of it, of never being able to bring back the little human life ended can be extremely difficult to process and live with. I have also observed from my own life, and the lives of others that stressful and daunting circumstances are never chronic. They have their seasons just like those of joy and ease. Most women who post here undecided about whether or not to abort experience a tremendous ease of pain and stress once the decision to walk away from abortion has been made. It's as if the biggest hurdle of inner conflict has been cleared and they are free to focus their attention and energy on 'plan b' and moving on with the unplanned pregnancy and flex with it. Have you explored and tapped into all the resources available to you right now? If you haven't contacted your local Pregnancy Resource Center yet I highly recommend it. They have all resources available to you under one roof, and are extremely supportive and compassionate towards women working through unplanned pregnancies. All of their services are free; they've been a huge, huge help to a lot of women. I'm glad that you've held your ground this long! And impressed with your strength. You don't have to have it all together to be doing ok right now. Try to figure out the things that are most important to you and let the other things take care of themselves. With Kindness, Heather P.S. - Don't forget to take good care of yourself! It's really easy to neglect that during stressful times, but you need sleep, eat well, get a decent amount of exercise and give yourself time to think.

[> [> [> [> Subject: Re: Hi Stephanie Author: luka [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 01/ 5/08 3:35am Selfish? Oh that old chestnut (not!) lol. That must be the catch phrase for all abusive men. I am not kidding the amount of times i have been called selfish by a man who made me want to slit my wrists (metaphorically speaking) are numerous. I agree with the above and i am sure you realise that having your baby is not selfish at all. Having a baby is alot of work as you allready know! Thats half the reason you don't know what to do because you know the sacrafices needed to raise a child. He is being selfish by walking away. At least you are giving your baby a chance and thinking it through seriously. As i said i have 4 children and if i found myself pregnant any time soon i would be in a real pickle myself. I would be beside myself and needing to set up some sort of support network . I would probably move closer to my extended family to get the help i would need to raise another child but i know part of me would be screaming i can't do this! Believe me i understand where your head is at, or can at least imagine. How far along are you now? Can you tell me the main reason why you have not decided either way yet? On another note my little boy turned 1 yesterday! He is nearly walking and is such a handsome adorable little boy. He's confident and outgoing and *so smart! I think back to when i was pregnant and all crap that i went through. It's a distant memory now. I have my hands well and truely full now lol. His father is remaining true to form. He's involved and doing his bit which is nice but i strongly suspect that his 'planned child' with another woman gets much more of his time attention and resources. It erks me but i don't regret having him.

[> [> [> [> [> Subject: Re: Hi Stephanie Author: stephanie (very tired) [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 01/ 7/08 12:17pm I am now 11 weeks along. I am so physically beat from having to think and rethink this issue. I have never in my life suffered so much depression and anxiety from something. I really think that it would be a huge mistake to continue with this. I am so broke and tired already that I really don't know how I would manage. I think that the main reason why I can't decide is that my head is telling me logical and somewhat selfish reasons why it would be terrible to have this child...no money, too tired, the other children's feelings, no room in the house, almost finished with school and can finally get a job...Then on the other hand when I have went to my appointments I imagine them sucking out the baby and that totally makes me want to throw up. I am so afraid that I will feel it move and then I will be paralyed. I have no money for any preggo clothes. I haven't even bought myself underwear for ever. My b/f has managed to convince me(sorta) that he is very sorry and that he will be there for me-I almost believe him.I am not making any decision based on what he wants or even thinks at this point-all he is thinking is very literal and almost too non-emotional. Do you think that if someone does have an abortion that they will ever see their child again, maybe after death? Is that morbid? I wonder when I die if I will see it again? I am not totally religious anymore-I grew up Catholic, but was also wondering if doing that ensures that I will never go to Heaven? I will then never see my other children. I am wrestling with some very emotional issues right now and he is not someone that I can talk to about those things. He doesn't think about them-maybe I shouldn't either. I almost feel decided then, I come here and read these messages and feel different. I am such a mess. Keeping the baby will be so hard I have nothing to give another baby...nothing.

[> [> [> [> [> [> Subject: Re: Hi Stephanie Author: Pat [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 01/ 7/08 3:43pm Hi, Stephanie, I am so sorry you are going through this! Have you visited a crisis pregnancy agency? They have so many answers. They can't necessarily find all the answers, but they can find enough so you can make it. They will help you with clothes. In fact, some of the women here can do that as well. I'd do it if I knew where my clothes were. Seriously. Also, go down and apply for some of the government programs for women in your position. You can get a Pell grant to help you through that final semester. You can get food at the food bank. Maybe they'll be short on some things, but you never know until you ask! The crisis pregnancy agency can help you find a better place to live if you need that. As for not having enough room for another child, I'll tell you how it was with us. We kept the baby in the room with us (some mothers sleep with their babies, and I did this part of the time with my youngest.) A baby will fit nicely in a dresser drawer for awhile. A crisis pregnancy agency can usually help you get a crib, too. We had three small rooms in a mobile home when our kids were growing up, and we had seven. The boys slept in the biggest room. There were five of them. They shared beds. The two girls had a double bed, and we had a double bed. Two of the boys shared a twin bed, and we had two of those, and then another mattress. You do what you have to do. These kids grew up responsible and hard working. They are very, very close, always there for each other. I have lost count of the number of different ways they shared a home to save money, including the married ones. Hardship can do that when you have loving parents. It isn't even good for a child to have too much. As far as food is concerned, breastfeed your baby! It's inexpensive. You can probably get diapers. Let the agency show you your child's picture. Meet your baby visually, and let your boyfriend meet your baby, too. Here's a link to lists of crisis pregnancy agencies. www.pregnancycenters.org PLEASE do this! You owe it to all of you to explore this option! Seriously. A woman should never have to consider this decision. It robs her of her peace of mind and her joy. If you would commit yourself to protecting your baby, you would stop feeling all this stress. Clearly you don't want an abortion. You know what it does. A lot of women cannot live with themselves afterwards. An abortion can drive a huge wedge between you and God, because you won't be willing to accept His forgiveness. It doesn't guarantee you won't go to heaven, but it makes it much more difficult for most women to have that necessary relationship with God. You are not a good candidate for abortion, because you really don't want one. It could do terrible things to you emotionally and spiritually, and there are NO guarantees you won't suffer serious injury or even death. You know that your church teaches that having an abortion is a mortal sin. If you think you have depression now...! Please don't do it! There are other answers. Let me tell you a little of my story. I had a serious, life-threatening medical problem. I was in the hospital. A man I didn't know came in and examined me. He said, "You have had a miscarriage, but there is still something in your uterus." He tried to talk me into letting him operate. I refused, but I was never so scared in all my life! A couple of days later, I found out I was still pregnant. This man would have done an abortion on me! After that, for months I had TERRIBLE nightmares of being chased by a man with a sharp knife, and a gang of rapists. I wouldn't wish that off on ANYONE. And women often have this kind of thing. That's why my heart goes out to women who have had an abortion. They can tear your baby out of your body, but they can never tear him or her out of your heart. You are already bonded, even though you don't feel movement yet (and you will soon). You are a lot stronger than you think. Take one day at a time. Be sure and take your prenatal vitamins and get enough rest. It DOES help. As for your boyfriend, try not to worry about him too much. He has plenty of stuff of his own to think about. He isn't going to see it from your perspective. You have something vitally important to give your child, something no money can buy. You have your love and your protection. We love all of you, and we will be here for you. Hang in there! Hugs, Pat

[> [> [> [> [> [> [> Subject: Re: Hi Stephanie Author: Heather [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 01/ 7/08 8:15pm Hi Stephanie, Dear one I am so sorry, too, for the anxiety and turmoil that your circumstances and indecision have caused you. If it's any consolation, your intense emotions are completely understandable and 'normal.' It's no surprise that it's a big deal when you have heart and instincts fighting against what can look like 'common sense.' Would it help relieve you at all to consider that sometimes common sense has to flex with the bigger things in life? If you feel aversion to terminating the life growing inside you, you have every right to act on that, in good conscience and be proud of that choice. You may feel you have nothing to offer your little one, but as mothers we know that a baby really only cares about food, sleep, and love for the first stage of it's life. If you have monetary/provision concerns, I can't emphasize enough my agreement with Pat to check out your local Pregnancy Resource Center. The exist with compassion to help you - pregnancy clothes, baby clothes, food and financial assistance programs, free compassionate counseling...some centers even offer free ultrasounds by appointment. Other than that, Stephanie, I can only think to lovingly encourage you to make sure you get enough sleep. First trimesters are intense with the fatigue. If you need something peaceful and hopeful to consider, try googling images of 11 week old babies. There are some beautiful ones out there. Regarding your religious questions, I think the best One to answer those is the God who created you and me and our little ones and knows us even better than we know ourselves. I know it's hard to see during turbulent seasons, but there is hope! Even unplanned pregnancies God can, and often does make 'beauty from ashes.' Hang in there, it won't be this hard forever. "Weeping endures for the night, but joy comes in the morning." ~ Psalm 30:5 With Kindness, Heather

[> Subject: Re: Can't decide? Author: stephanie (numb) [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 01/10/08 10:47am Well, I went to a pregnancy center that was recomended and found it to be a comfort. I always sway from one moment to the next. I haven't been to any of my classes this week-I can't seem to drag myself, I know I won't be able to concentrate. I had some time alone with my mother yesterday and decided to tell that I was pregnant and undecided. She said that she would be supportive. Well, that lasted until this morning when she called and told me that it was my problem I did this to my self and that my other children should not have to suffer b/c I didn't want to have to have pain of the abortion or the thoughts afterwards and that I should have to be the one to suffer not the children. I feel numb. I can't stop crying and my heart is beating so fast I'm sure I'll have a heart attack. I don't understand why she said that? I couldn't talk to her. I really feel so ashamed maybe everyone is right-maybe it is selfish to think that it would be in anyone's interest to keep my baby. I don't think that I could place it up for adopotion though. It really feels like it's one or the other.

[> [> Subject: Re: Can't decide? Author: Heather [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 01/10/08 10:28pm Stephanie, Wow, what an unpleasant surprise that must have been; I'm so sorry. I can't really understand why your mother would say that either, unless she's just stressed for you and her grandchildren and not thinking too clearly. I think, I would hope, in her clearer thoughts she'd know that your children wouldn't possibly want you to kill your newest arrival, their sibling, or think that you were 'selfish' for having him or her. As a mother to four myself, I know children are pretty immune a lot of the time to the stressors we adults consider. My guess is that they will be thrilled with the idea of a new brother or sister. You know you're not alone in hearing extremely unhelpful venting from a loved one at this time. It happens all the time, whether the loved one is a spouse, parent, or well meaning friend or family member. Sometimes people get caught up with their own concerns and forget to truly consider what would be in your best interest. And in thinking of you, Stephanie, for a moment aside from the little one you're carrying, I just can't see how it would be in your best interest to ask you to go against your instincts and terminate the life inside you. Financial woes are a dime a dozen,as are misgivings about not being ready for a baby, but the grief that can come from feeling pressured into making a choice you find anything but liberating can last a lifetime. I'm sure your mother loves you, and you may be hearing from her again with a toned down perspective, who know. I think her original response was probably correct. But regardless I think it would be a good thing for you to come to terms with your own choices, and not feel as though you have to make one to please anyone else. Ultimately, they are not the ones who will be living with the results. Hang in there Stephanie; we're pulling for you! With Kindness, Heather

[> [> Subject: Re: Can't decide? Author: Pat [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 01/11/08 1:11am Stephanie, I am so sorry your mother is treating you this way. It's wrong for other people to pressure you to go against your maternal instincts. Most parents will be upset at first when they learn their daughter is pregnant under circumstances such as yours. Most of them get past it. You have to give them time. I pray that God will comfort you and dry your tears. Follow your heart. Make sure you are taking your prenatal vitamins, and try to get enough rest. It's no good crying all the time. You can get past this. Take one day at a time. Tell the crisis pregnancy agency what you are going through. I'm sure they have some books that will comfort you. Also, read the Psalms. Other people have been through times of dark depression, and I think they will help. We are praying for you, and we love all of you, including your new little one. Hugs, Pat

[> [> Subject: Re: Can't decide? Author: Sharon [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 01/11/08 2:05pm Stephanie, I'm sorry your mother is not 100% supportive right now, but I agree with the others who've posted that she will likely come around. I just feel so strongly that if YOU don't want to have an abortion, YOU shouldn't have one - regardless of what ANYONE else says. I have never known of anyone regretting NOT having had an abortion - but I know of way too many who have regretted having had an abortion...and then it's too late. I'll say a prayer for you - that you feel strengthened and at peace with bringing your little one into the world. Some day, years from now, you'll look back at this time and be so incredibly grateful that you had the inner strength to know what was right for you and to stand firm in spite of the circumstances and attitudes of some of the people around you. In fact, you'll probably be hard-pressed to even remember all of the fears that are plaguing you right now - but you'll know the joy and love of your child. Sharon

[> [> Subject: Re: Can't decide? Author: Debbie (Hope this helps you) [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 04/26/08 8:02pm Stephanie, 21 years ago I was in a very similar situation. Anyway, after one earlier abortion, I prayed and knew God did not want me to have an abortion. It was the Lord who was tugging at my heart. I too went to the abortion clinic and walked out. Anyway, my daughter was born 7 months later and I chose to give her up for adoption. The most wonderful family adopted Danielle and yes I cried when they took her away from me but I knew it was a blessing upon my soul to choose life. Only recently, Danielle located me and we spoke on the phone. she thanked me and told me she loves me and thank you for chosing life and giving her to a wonderful mom and dad. I thank the Lord Jesus daily that Danielle has had a wonderful life. Would you believe here it is years later and my now husband and I adopted a little boy that was supose to be aborted and God introduced the birthmom to us and here is Josh. Josh is now 6 and my kiss from heaven. Please contact me if I can help you in any way. Ladies, Life is beautiful and there are many couples out there who have loving hearts and there is no need to choose abortion. Lots of love, Debbie

[> Subject: Re: Can't decide? Author: luka [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 01/11/08 6:28pm It's dissapointing to hear how unsupportive your mother has been. What a cruel thing to say as if you want your children to suffer, good grief! It's painting a picture for me and i can see clearly why you feel as bad as you do. I feel you sliding deeper into a mode of blambing yourself and being down on yourself. The more that happens the more you (or anyone in your situation) will tend to let others dictate. Be careful, because it would be easy to go along with the wishes of others in this state of mind. You may do something you don't want to and they aren't going to feel sorry if you regret it and they can't bring your baby back if you choose to abort it under their pressure. Whatever you do Stephanie let it be YOUR decision. Do not make the mistake of handing your power over to someone else no matter who it is or what is your reasoning. I will say again, there aint nothing selfish about having your baby! Mothers sacarafice so much for thier childen. I just don't know why the word selfish ever comes into it, it frustrates and infuriates me. I am a single mom of 4 and i can tell you that there is nothing selfish about the amount of work and time i put into caring for them i hardly have any time to myself at all and thats ok i love them to bits and they are worth every minute. But heaven help the person who tells me i am selfish for having them! Selfish would be abortion, it would seem to most 'the easy way out'. This baby didn't ask to be conceived but she's (he's) here thats the reality. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with all this greif from those closest to you. I can tell you without reservation that i believe you want to keep your baby. But youre vulnerable and emotional because of the pregnancy and because of this it is easy for others to put doubt in your mind. You just want to do whats right i can hear this clearly from you. Don't let others dictate to you what you feel is right only you can know that because this is your life and your family. And , like Heather said you are the only one who has to live with your decision. Your children will have a sibling and i am sure they would love him or her. My children were so excited when i told them i would be having another baby. I was at the sonogram place getting a check up because i thought i may have been miscarrying but nope instead they found a heartbeat. Being a single mom i had to bring them with me. My eldest daughter asked me what they were looking at in my belly on the screen and i told them. They started yelling yay and jumping up and down. they were so excited they were telling the people in the waiting room that they were having a new baby brother or sister lol. You know your children just might feel the same. No matter what Stephanie, i hear you and i understand what youre going through. No judgements will be comming from me i have made too many stuff ups of my own to ever judge another person. This is a confusing time i hope you find clarity, peace and resolve very soon. Please keep us posted. With kindness from one mom to another.. Luka

[> Subject: Stephanie, how are you? Author: Shellie [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 01/15/08 12:48pm Hi Stephanie, You've been on my mind. Please let us know how you're doing! Hugs, Shellie

[> Subject: in two minds.... Author: Allie [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 02/20/08 12:42pm Hi all, Last week I found out that I am 6 weeks pregnant. I told my boyfriend pretty much straight away and both of our first reactions were that abortion really was the answer. I am 28 and he is 30 but we have only been together 8 months and we don't live together, in fact on either sides of london (just over an hour away). We are very much in love but feel this is so rushed and we always wanted to do things in the right order - enjoy our time together, maybe then get engaged, married and then have children. Now if we go ahead with this we are going to have to buy a house(not cheap in london!) and deal with telling our families what we are going to do. I can't help thinking my parents will be so dissapointed in me and to be honest I cannot even envisage telling them. I also have a great job that involves a lot of travelling and so i don't see how I could carry on doing this if I had a baby. Abortion (for me) saddens me and I do not feel I can risk regretting it. I think I am going to go ahead with the pregnancy but I feel scared how we will cope financially and hope that it won't put too much pressure on my still fairly new relationship. Am I doing the right thing?

[> [> Subject: Re: in two minds.... Author: Pat [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 02/23/08 4:35pm Hi, Allie, I'm so sorry we all missed your post. It was buried; it is better if you want a response, to post it as a new thread. But now that we are aware of your concerns, we will address them. Your situation sounds very familiar. But I do need to ask you some questions. The most important one is to ask you to explain why you think you need to buy a house! I know flats are small, but wouldn't you be able to survive in one for awhile? A baby doesn't need a lot to begin with. This gives you time to develop some decent plans. What about your traveling? I'll tell you that I did a lot of traveling while pregnant or nursing a baby. It's not the usual thing to do, but we women really have a right to do it, and we won't get that right if we don't assert it. There may be some practical difficulties, but you can certainly address them. You do need help, and you can get help at a crisis pregnancy agency. There are ten of them listed for London, here: www.pregnancycenters.org There will almost certainly be one which is convenient for you. Most people don't really PLAN their lives like they'd like. But if you truly love each other, and you have created a product of that love (your child), then it makes sense to give it a go. You have time to spend together: a number of months. Abortion would most likely tear apart your relationship, and it could leave you disabled or dead, and it could also destroy you emotionally and spiritually. We fully support you to carry your baby. By the time your baby is born, you will know what you want to do, and you will be ready to do it. We will be here for you. Hugs, Pat

[> [> Subject: Re: in two minds.... Author: Pat [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 02/23/08 8:56pm Allie, I had one more thought I should have added earlier, and that's about your parents. We have six grandchildren, and one of them was born to our son and a woman he's not even serious about. Our greatest regret is that he didn't tell us about his son until his son was over 16 months old! We missed his early life! There was never any question that he is part of the family, and as far as I am concerned, so is his mother. I just hope they get married sooner rather than later. They both take excellent care of him. Give your parents a chance. They may be disappointed at first, but it's rare for the grandparents not to dote on the grandchild. It's really hard telling them, but you know you'll have to. They may put pressure on you. Don't let them. Tell them that you have made your decision. As long as you are quiet and firm about it, eventually, they will accept it. More hugs, Pat

[> [> Subject: Re: in two minds.... Author: Lori [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 02/24/08 12:37am Hi Allie, Welcome to the board. I was in a situation much like yours almost ten years ago. The difference was I was much younger and I wasn't financially stable. But I'm here to tell you that everything does work out just fine. I do not regret having my child. He just turned nine years old this past January. Children are a blessing from God and I thank God all the time for giving me the opportunity to bring life into this world. To answer your question, I totally know that your doing the right thing by choosing life for your child. Being a parent isn't always easy, just like with anything it has its ups and downs but it's always worth it. I'm amazed everyday at the little man that is growing up right before my eyes. Please if you ever need to talk, feel free to email me. We are all here for you, come back to the board as often as you would like. Your in my thoughts and prayers. God Bless, Lori