Author:
Heather
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Date Posted: 07/ 8/07 4:53pm
Hi Jess,
What really stands out to me is that he is so afraid he's choosing to be in denial. Afraid, most likely, because he knows he's done something very wrong. Before the very real reality of a new life created, he could probably compartmentalize what he was doing with you, the lies he was telling/living out with you (and undoubtedly his wife) and retreat to it like a video game or equivalent. That all changed when you let him know you were now carrying a child, and he sees the very real implications both emotional and financial that this development may bring. And of course it will more than likely mean that his wife will now find out what he's done, or his life will become very, very difficult trying to keep it hidden. To a man that has made his home in a lie, this is quite a bit of reality to be thrown and it shouldn't come as much suprise that he's responding by more lies - to himself and to you, that this isn't his child. Of course he knows deep down it is.
All that I'll venture to offer as opinion regarding that is that you deserve much, much better than a man who has only used you physically and considered your well-being nothing in the wake of his lies to suit his pleasure. He may have had some token of affection for you, Jess, but the truth is plainer than day in his actions. Love does not use, lie and disregard the sanctity of another human's life (in this case yours. His lack of love is just further evidenced in his wishing for the death of the new life that's been created.) Common courtesy and respect doesn't even do that. Selfishness and omission of love does.
So the bad news is that you probably weren't much more than a mere character in the stage production of his life, centered on himself. The good news is that by this same reason it isn't a betrayal specifically leveled at you, though I can see why you'd take it so painfully personally. Really, you could have been anybody. What happened, and what went wrong was about him, not you.
Regarding abortion, he is at least being consistent. The same man who thought nothing of using you, your heart, and your hopes to suit his own end also thinks nothing of killing another human life to suit the same central figure in the play - himself.
I know it's so hard to separate your emotions so quickly. This whole thing must be such a nightmare for you. I'm so sorry you have to go through this type of shock and readjustment when you were so recently flush with dreams about getting married and having a baby. Be patient and give yourself time - you'll likely go through a whole range of rollercoaster feelings over the next few months as you accept the deception and move on. You'll be in my prayers.
Your baby, however, is a bright spot untarnished by all the lies and deception. Your new little son or daughter is YOUR son or daughter and I have no doubt that they will bring you much joy. There are just no words to describe the level of joy when you hold your little one and get to know them and their unique ways. There are many things in life I don't know, and am aware of it every day, but one thing I DO know is that the same God who created you with love and perfection and has also created the little one you are now carrying is more than able to supply you with the grace you need to make it through your pregnancy and motherhood.
The tapestry of you life has changed now from what you had planned, but this happens to all of us in one way or another. You can embrace how God has chosen to wove things and find the joys hidden there. There will be hardships, but those come even with the best laid out plans and often take many by surprise altogether.
You can do it! I hope you do find continued support at the Pregnancy Center near you. Just hold on to the truth that circumstances are ALWAYS in flux. You have no idea what your future holds a year from now. Though you are grieving right now, don't let those dark thoughts convince you that this is the rest of your life. You have a future full of changing seasons and many of them will contain levity and joy again.
For me, sometimes knowing that makes waiting out the hard times more bearable and I resist them less. One of my favorite scriptures from the Bible: "Weeping endures for the night but joy comes in the morning."
Don't be ashamed of the new life now growing in you any more! Repent where you think you need to and allow yourself to be forgiven. The rest of the shame doesn't belong to you, and whether or not the father of your baby ever decides to make things right is in God's hands, not yours. Don't let it steal your energy and joy at being a new mother.
Because you have so recently been given reason by another human being to believe otherwise, please allow a perfect stranger from California to remind you of the simple truth that you are incredibly value to God, have great worth and dignity as a human being, and are invited at any time it strikes your desire to do so to come to Him and spend time with the One who knows you better than you know yourself.
And lastly, CONGRATULATIONS on your little one. May they be blessed and healthy and may you enjoy your pregnancy with unexpected peace and anticipation. May your tender heart be magnified in motherhood and a blessing to your little one.
With Kindness,
Heather
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