| Subject: Re: Couldn't have - Can't have |
Author:
Pat
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Date Posted: 10/15/07 1:57pm
In reply to:
Tara
's message, "Re: Couldn't have - Can't have" on 10/15/07 11:13am
Tara,
I am so sorry that things are going this way for you!
You are right that many of us are pro-life (but probably not all, by any means). But we're not in the judging business, and the situation you are in sounds serious. So I have a few things I'd like to say, so bear with me.
Obviously, you can't keep going on like this. What I would like to suggest is that you hang in there. You're not going down there in the next couple of days, so if you could accomplish a couple of things, you can change your mind.
Obviously, the first thing is that the vomiting needs to be brought under control. Here's what I suggest. Try sipping ginger tea. If this doesn't work, ask your doctor for some medication that will help. You have to be able to stay hydrated, obviously.
Now about what the doctors say. Since you are "only" ten weeks along, they probably don't KNOW that your baby is badly damaged. I suspect they're speculating, and the way doctors are these days, they may be afraid that if they let you go to term, and the baby does have damage, you'll sue. The problem is that people are demanding a perfect baby, and they're afraid. So what I recommend is that you go to a pro-life doctor. You simply don't know that your baby is damaged. They can't tell at this age, in all probability. I don't know what test they might have run that would cause them to conclude that your baby is too badly damaged. If you go to a pro-life doctor, then he may have something very different to tell you. Maybe your baby doesn't have a chance. We simply don't know that. But let me tell you a little of my story, so you see why I am thinking this way.
I got pregnant in July. Unlike normally, I didn't realize it. At the end of September, I started to hemorrhage. So I went to the emergency room, and they wanted to keep me overnight. The next morning, a strange doctor came in to see me. He said that I had miscarried (remember, I had just been told I was pregnant), and that there was still something in my uterus. He needed to operate. He tried to convince me that if he didn't, I'd probably die. I was feeling VERY intimidated. But I had told my doctor that I would not work with anyone who wasn't pro-life. He knew that. So I screened this doctor. I asked him what his opinion on abortion was. He gave me a very wishy-washy answer. So I told him I didn't think I would let him do it. He got very angry with me, and said that was my privilege and stalked out, slamming the door behind him. Not long after, someone came in to do a pregnancy test. I asked why since I had miscarried anyway. They said they wanted to see if I was still pregnant. I asked how long the test would take, and they said, a couple of hours. But I didn't get the results back, and this started to worry me. So eventually my doctor's partner came in and said that if I wouldn't let this man operate on me, he would discharge me and I needed to go to the emergency room at a different hospital, and another doctor would take care of it. He hadn't managed to reach the doctor, but unbeknownst to him, I had. The other doctor told me to go home. So I agreed, and he discharged me, and I went home. The bleeding had already subsided the night before. And I had no further trouble. I started drinking raspberry leaf tea. On Monday, two days later, I called the new doctor and he told me the results of the pregnancy test had come back. I was still pregnant. In the meantime, I had asked around about the strange doctor, and someone I trust told me that doctor was an abortionist! Anyway, as soon as I learned I was still pregnant, the nightmares started. Horrible nightmares, the kind that made me wake up in a cold sweat. I'm not prone to nightmares, by the way. Every two or three nights, I would have a nightmare. I dreamed that I was still pregnant, and someone was threatening me but at the last minute, I got away. So I went to the new doctor, and he did tell me I was still pregnant, and he thought maybe he should do an ultrasound (in those days, ultrasounds were still pretty primitive) and maybe he should operate. This was a pro-life doctor. But by this time, I wasn't bleeding, so I said No to both things. At the end of October, I bled a little, but not much. And I started feeling movement, very faint. One day in early December, I felt very strong movement, and then nothing at all. But I didn't miscarry. At that point, the nightmares stopped. And there was no more bleeding. In March, my midwife, who is one of the best in the world, examined me and said I was still pregnant. He also told me that I had lymph nodes all over the outside of my uterus, and this meant that my body was taking care of the situation. Sure enough, I started feeling movement again, not long after. I was pregnant for a full year, and gave birth to a normal son, who is now in his late 20's. He is totally healthy. He is married and has a son. He also has a fourth degree black belt in taekwondo, and he's a certified instructor. Here's what happened. I had indeed been pregnant. But my baby died. That was in early December. But in the middle of November, I had conceived again. Looking back I realized I had had fertile mucus then, but thinking I was pregnant, I ignored it. My first baby had died in December, and my body took care of the remains. The only evidence left was that I had a tiny piece of placenta that was totally detached from the placenta of my son. Yes, all of this is a matter of medical record. And I know another woman who was involved in a similar situation. Her mother had twins, but the younger one was four months younger than the older one, and my friend was the younger one. She was middle aged, and she and her sister were just fine! There is a medical term for this, but I don't remember what it is.
I feel very strongly that I never want another woman to go through the horrible nightmares that I went through, or any of the other things I know women often go through if they have an abortion. I wouldn't wish that off on anyone! So I ask you to give your baby a chance. I don't want what happened to me to happen to you. It's no way to live, believe me! Your baby could be completely normal, and they simply don't know, not at this stage. Not at 10 weeks. Doctors are way too quick to DO something, instead of leaving things alone. Your baby has bonded with you, and you with him or her, even though you may not realize it. If this were not so, you wouldn't be feeling the emotions you are feeling. Abortion is very, very unnatural, and goes against everything it means for us to be a woman. Your baby and you have been exchanging hormonal messages since you conceived. Your baby is sending stem cells into your blood stream, and these are migrating to various places in your body. They will help protect you from breast cancer, and some of them are in your brain. This is normal, and it's one way mother and baby bond. If you disrupt that bond, you will almost certainly experience emotional repercussions, and they could be severe.
If your baby is as badly damaged as they are telling you, he or she won't make it. The difference is that you won't have done anything to take his or her life. And that can make all the difference. Trust me, I know this from personal experience. I am totally at peace about the baby I lost, because I did everything I could to preserve her life (I think of my baby as a girl). On the other hand, the emotional repercussions from having an abortion can be so severe they can actually cost a woman her life! I won't go into all the details unless you ask. No matter what you do at this point, it is going to be tough. So the important thing now is to give your baby a chance, and if your baby doesn't make it, then it wasn't by your hand. But you are a lot stronger than you think, and whatever you do, this will have large implications for your life. Now if you cannot bring your morning sickness under control, they can hospitalize you and rehydrate you. Normally, morning sickness subsides by the second trimester, and you have only a couple of weeks to go. But if your morning sickness becomes life-threatening, they may have to act. But if they do, you will know that you have done everything you can do, and there really is no choice. If your baby DOES make it, he or she could be completely normal. It happens, believe it or not. Or your baby could have some damage. If so, your baby may live, but have some problems. Your baby will cherish his or her life. If you cannot handle the disability, you can choose adoption. It won't be easy to do that, but it won't have the emotional repercussions abortion would. Yes, there will obviously be repercussions, but if you are at all typical, they won't be nearly as bad. I know this from talking to many women. And you should also investigate, because there are MANY services out there to help with disabilities in children. These can make it possible for you to be a good mother. I know this because my sister has a son with Down syndrome, and the family has done splendidly. He had early intervention. And he is actually quite bright (his language development is way ahead of average). He is a wonderful child, and his presence in the family healed a very dysfunctional family, so he has been an incredible blessing.
Get some decent medical care from a doctor who will truly treat you BOTH. Try asking at La Leche League, to see if you can find one who won't give up on the two of you. If that doesn't work, I can put you in touch with some organizations that will help you find a doctor. And yes, if you choose adoption, there ARE potential parents waiting out there who will cherish your baby. That may seem incredible, but it's true!
If your baby is truly as bad off as the doctors are telling you, he or she won't survive, but you will be at peace.
We will be here for you every step of the way, and we will be praying for you. Also, I recommend you go to a crisis pregnancy agency. They can also help you find a doctor. And they will be there for you as well. Come here any time. Let us know how you are doing. We will be here even if you have to abort. We will uplift you with our kindness and our prayers. We want what is best for you and your baby. Like I said, we're not into judging. We won't condemn you if you can't make it. We will help you get past the aftermath of abortion. And we will pray for you, that you will have strength to endure what you are going through. Please pray also. Read the Psalms. I think you will find them very comforting.
We love you.
Hugs,
Pat
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