Author:
Pat
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Date Posted: 11/ 5/07 7:15pm
Hi, RWR,
Wow! That's a tough one! Before I tell you what I recommend, let me tell you about my own experience.
We have seven children, and two of them are adopted. The younger adopted one had a very short affair with a woman (3 weeks, he says), and she conceived and had a child. They're not married. I am pretty sure that she wants to get married, but he's a little leery because he had a failed marriage once before, and she has a few issues (though not nearly as many as before he met her). The situation is complicated by some other things I won't go into. What I want to tell you about this situation is that they have dated on and off. When we learned they had a son, I told him they SHOULD get married, but that I wouldn't harp on it. He's the kind of person who will take what I say seriously, and harping isn't even necessary. Anyway, the situation currently is that they each have an apartment, and they both work, and they arranged their schedules so that when one of them is working, the other one is taking care of their son. He is 2 now, and very well behaved. They have good discipline with him. I am also proud of him because his mother is teaching him Spanish, so he is becoming bilingual, which is always a good thing. Everyone loves our grandson, and everyone loves his mother, and she is accepted as part of the family.
Now with that background, I suggest that you tell my story to your girlfriend. Also, I recommend the following:
1. tell her that you can't make that decision so quickly because if you do, it may be for the wrong reasons, and that ultimately would be detrimental.
2. tell her that this is your child as well as hers and you want her to protect your baby, and that there is no possibility you will stay together if she harms your baby (which is undoubtedly true anyway, because that's what happens in most such situations). In a sense, you are handing her an ultimatum to go along with hers, but I think the situation is critical. In other words, tell her that it is out of the question for the two of you to stay together if she gets an abortion, even though right now you can't assure her that you are 100% certain you two should get married.
Tell her that you don't appreciate the ultimatum. Tell her that you need time to make sure it is the right thing for you. Acknowledge that she is ready to get married, and tell her you will give it serious thought, and you are leaning in that direction.
There are several other people she will harm if she has an abortion. Besides subjecting her baby to a gruesome death, she will harm herself, you, your mom, and other family members. Ask her if she would marry YOU if you told her that if she didn't marry you, you would kill your brother or yourself! I feel she is trying to manipulate you. One of our sons told me later that his wife told him while they were going together if they didn't get married, she would commit suicide. Do you see the comparison? If I had known that before they got married, I would have advised him not to marry her! Tell her that her ultimatim is working against your making a decision.
You could do as our son and his son's mother are doing. Take it one step at a time.
Just tell her how her ultimatim is hurting your relationship. She needs to give you some space. But threatening you that if you don't agree to marry her right now, she will kill your child, is an indication to me, at least, that she's not ready to make a commitment. If she can't commit to her child, how can she commit to you? She needs to protect her child regardless of what you do.
Have a discussion with her and raise these points. Good luck! Let us know if anything else comes up or if you have more questions, and let us know how it goes. We'll be praying for you.
Take care,
Pat
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