Author:
Pat
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Date Posted: 05/23/07 10:25am
Hi, Missy,
I'm glad you came!
I want to talk about your daughter. She sounds like she NEEDS a sibling. She's too wrapped up in being the only one, the exclusive recipient of your affections, not wanting to share, and so forth. There may come a time when she will walk down the path you have walked. Think about what kind of example you want to set for her. Making a major change in the way you approach life can have a big impact on her. If you have another abortion, there may come a time when she feels insecure, or feels survivor guilt. She may wonder if you will reject her if she doesn't measure up; in fact that could be part of the problem right now.
Abortion is dangerous, in spite of what the media tell us, and what the myths are. It could seriously harm or even kill you. And if your daughter walks down the same path, it could also cost her her life or her future. If you reach a point where you regret both abortions, you may be powerless to stop her from making the same decisions and having the same consequences as you.
Already, it sounds like you really would rather not have an abortion. You've been through it once. You know what it's like. It didn't solve anything. It's real common for a woman who has an abortion to be pregnant again within a year. Part of this is an instinct to have a child to replace the one you gave up.
This baby is an opportunity for both of you, an opportunity to grow emotionally and spiritually. It is rare for a woman to regret having her baby. In all the time we have been meeting with folks here, I can think of one case where a woman once said she wished she didn't have her daughter, and not very long afterward, she was fighting to continue to be a mother to her child. She was having mental health problems which predated her pregnancy.
I urge you to turn over a new leaf. If you want a decent man, don't let men use you sexually anymore. Almost by definition, if he wants sex without commitment, he's using you. Obviously, the father of this child is a concern. Lots of people can have a wonderful listening ear, but you don't really know what his motivations are. Since he had sex with you, there's a chance he is looking at you as a possible ticket to stay in this country. Why would someone who is being a dear friend put you at risk this way? I wouldn't recommend a deepening relationship with him because of the problems. You will have to decide if you want him to have any involvement in your baby's life. Does he know it is his child, or could it be your boyfriend's? For now, I'd not say anything. You are fortunate that you have the strong support of family! They will probably be willing to help you so you can make it. And as others have recommended, going to a crisis pregnancy agency can be a big help. Among other things, they can help you decide what to do about the father. As much as I care about helping people under adverse circumstances, and realizing that this man obviously felt he would do better in this country, he is breaking the law, and this is also a very poor example for your daughter; turning to a man who is doing this. I just wish there was some way I could tell these folks that they need to go through legal channels, no matter how onerous this might be. They shouldn't be trying to do an end run around people who have done it right and are waiting.
I have two near-personal situations to tell you about, that may put some of this in perspective.
My taekwondo instructor (a woman, by the way) has an adopted son, who is now about 6 or 7. His birth mother had fetal alcohol syndrome, and was unable to control her own behavior and stay out of trouble. She used an amazing collection of drugs, and was in jail as much as she was out. She can't live on the outside; she simply cannot manage her life. This woman was my instructor's foster daughter, so when she became pregnant by a man in this country illegally, and was in jail, she turned to my instructor to take care of her baby. When the baby was born, he was addicted to who knows what. He went through hell with withdrawal for months, but fortunately, suffered no permanent damage. In fact, he just earned a green belt in taekwondo, he knows how to read, and he is doing splendidly! When his birthmother got out of prison, and she would visit with him, he would cry. And she would throw up her hands and refuse to be in the room with him. Eventually, my instructor sought to have her parental rights, and that of the father, terminated. To make a long story short, the father hoped having his son in HIS custody would help him stay here. He had already been expelled from his own country because of his illegal activities. She fought at first to retain custody, but finally decided to relinquish. It took several years, but the parental rights were severed, and my instructor was able to adopt him. This situation is one reason why I always suspect that a person in this country illegally may seek to have a child so that this person can stay here.
The other situation is closer to home. One of our sons had an affair with a woman and she became pregnant. To make a long story short, the baby is now approaching two years old, and they both take care of him, alternating so both can work. He is a wonderful child, and they have raised him well. Her parents are citizens, but her father never bothered to complete the process so she could become a citizen. She is here legally, however. My personal opinion is that they should get married; they share a child. And she has responded favorably to our son's attempts to help her straighten out some issues in her life. She is now pursuing completing her citizenship. She is fluent in English (doesn't even have an accent).
Obviously, these personal experiences color my thinking, which is why I wanted you to know about them.
The important thing is not to make a decision that you cannot reverse, while you are experiencing emotions of panic and fear. People don't make good decisions when they feel that way, and the hormones of pregnancy tend to aggravate these feelings. Think about how you'd feel if you considered snuffing out your daughter's life, now that you have mothered and loved her all these years. Can you imagine life without her? Abortion is forever. You can't take it back. You will probably have to deal with some emotional aftermath from your previous abortion, and we will be here for you. If later on you become certain you don't want to parent your child, you can choose adoption. But give your baby a chance! Please!
Your baby is depending on you for your protection. Please protect your baby!
Hugs,
Pat
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