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Subject: unplanned pregnancy Author: Laura [ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ] Date Posted: 07/ 6/06 2:21pm My name is Laura, I am 32 years old. I have 3 children ranging in age from 5 to 23 months. I think I am pregnant again for the fourth time. My husband doesn't want me to keep it. I don't think I could live with myself if I had an abortion. We are living in NJ and money is very tight. I work full time now but don't know how I could afford to return to work with the expense of daycare and all. Not sure what I'm looking for but any advice would help at this point. [ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]

Replies:

[> Subject: Re: unplanned pregnancy Author: Heather [Edit] Date Posted: 07/ 6/06 3:53pm Hi Laura, Hey I'm glad you found this site. There are a few of us moms on here with 'lots of kids' who can completely understand where you're coming from. My husband and I have four children that range from 4 to 8, so I've done the 'four under four' thing, or in your case, four under five. It's very challenging. There are two very encouraging things, though. My children are just a few years older than yours, now, yet the workload and general chaos in the home is SO MUCH LESS INTENSE than it was a few years ago. Seriously. Please reassure your husband that it WILL GET EASIER. It's hard to comprehend how much of a difference it makes when all children are old enough to buckle themselves in the car, no diapers, bottles, naps, less spills, they're able to dress themselves (well, mostly, lol, as long as you don't care to much about coordination!) and they're able to communicate better with one another and enjoy each other's company like friends and companions now. These and many more differences, some subtle, amount to an overall decrease in stress and work that I wasn't anticipating and am pleasantly surprised by. It's still challenging, at times, but not in the 'survival mode' that it was a few years ago. I've been told by other moms with children older than mine that it continues to get easier, too. So I deeply empathize with where your husband is coming from. Mine could probably give him a lot of encouragement. The other good news is that I and many other moms I know have found that the amount of sensed responsibility decreases with each child. In other words the transition from no children to one child literally turns your world upside down (in a good way!) Likewise adding a second child dramatically shifts the dynamics of the home. To a lesser degree the third, and we found that when little Clara came along there a whole lot of celebrating (even though she was completely unplanned) and not much noticable in the way of added work/responsibility. In fairness that's due somewhat in part to her temeperament, which is a cheerfully content one with everything. We call her our 'prozac baby' because she's so mellow and cheerful about everything. She's truly been an example of God's grace to us. I was very dubious about having a fourth child - had already given away all baby stuff as if to reaffirm that we were 'good' with three. I could never imagine taking her life away because of her perceived unwantedness, though. God has been mercifcul and blessed our home with her tremendously. She brings sunshine wherever she goes and is a genuine boost to me during the day with her sweet hugs and funny antics. Many men of the women who post on here are typical in their 'delayed acceptance' of an unplanned baby. It's understandable that this is the case as they have none of the protective maternal hormones that a newly pregnant woman has towards her baby and they're generally concerned more about finances and provision at the early stage than the woman is. But my guess is that if you honor your instincts to protect the new little human life growing inside you, your husband will (more than) come around at the right time. If you're newly pregnant it will probably be a tumultuous couple of weeks following as you battle the intense early pregnancy hormones as well as the adjustment to the news and waiting for your husband to accept him/her as his own. But hang in there! I can assure you it will get easier, not just in the short run as you and your husband adjust together to the news of an unplanned baby but in the long run of a few years from now when everything both of you are going through in devoting yourselves to parenthood will be SO WORTH IT. It's such a great joy now for my husband and I to go to a park/beach etc and let the children go off together while we sit and spend time together enjoying watching them in the beauty of their friendships. In short, I'd suggest going with your instincts to pass over the choice of abortion as a solution to an unplanned pregnancy and direct your energy to working in the 'unexpected tapestry' of your lives with patience and hope. Please feel free to come here and post as a sounding board as often as you like! There are some exceptionally wonderful women on here. With Kindness, Heather P.S. - Congratulations!

[> Subject: Re: unplanned pregnancy Author: Lisa [Edit] Date Posted: 07/ 6/06 4:14pm Hi Laura! Welcome to the board! I just love it when I hear from women closer to my age like you! Have you taken a test yet and are you sure? No sense getting worked up yet if you have not confirmed the pregnancy. That said, I know you might feel overwhelmed with another. I can not relate to that fact as I only have one "unplanned" little bundle (she is 2) but Tracey has 4 children and Heather on here has 3 (maybe more?) So I know all is possible! I would stick by your guns if I were you with your husband. As you will hear the other ladies on here tell you, it is normal to be resistant to a unplanned pregnancy initially. I will hope to hear from you again regarding your test and then I am sure all the ladies will be full of advice for you. I am not the best with resources, but you can believe that the women on here are the best around! Keep us posted! Lisa

[> Subject: Re: unplanned pregnancy Author: Shellie [Edit] Date Posted: 07/ 6/06 5:27pm Hi Laura, I just sent you an email but want to post a quick note, here. Take a pregnancy so you can know for sure if you're dealing with an unplanned pregnancy. I hope you'll keep us updated. Our prayers are with you! Shellie

[> Subject: Re: unplanned pregnancy Author: Tracey [Edit] Date Posted: 07/ 6/06 6:03pm Laura~ I just sent you another e-mail a bit ago, but I want to remind you that we are all here for you! I agree with the other ladies as far as dealing with your husband...stick to your guns! Listen to your heart and you will know your answer. :) I'm praying for you! Also, as I've stated before, we'd be glad to find you some assistance in your are, but I need to know your closest city. I know you said NJ, but just need the city and I(and I'm sure the other ladies here) can find you a few locations that might be able to offer more help and assistance. Keep us posted! God bless, Tracey

[> Subject: Re: unplanned pregnancy--update Author: Laura [Edit] Date Posted: 07/ 7/06 9:32am I just wanted to update everyone.....I took a test last night and it was positive. I really feel scared and alone. I don't want to make my other 3 childrens lives more difficult, or more poverty striken if you will by adding another sibling. I'm not sure how we will survive financially. Any ideas?????

[> [> Subject: Re: unplanned pregnancy--update Author: Heather [Edit] Date Posted: 07/ 7/06 10:12am Hi Laura, Hang in there; if you can survive the next week and let it roll over you that will probably be by far the hardest part of it all. Try to sleep as much of it away as you can - it will do wonders for both you and your baby, and your other babies, too. Regarding finances, I know how stressful those can be. For starters you can go to your city's local Pregnancy Resource Center. They offer all kinds of free and extremely helpful services for pregnant moms. In addition to free baby furniture, clothes, accoutrements, etc they will help you fill out the forms right there in their office to get you set up with any number of your state's assistance programs, including WIC which can be a lifesaver. Many of the PRC's also offer free ultrasounds as well as low-cost referrels for prenatal care. All of them offer free unplanned pregnancy counseling in their centers. I'd definitely take advantage of their services, they've significantly helped countless women. But other than that my only suggestion would be to give yourself at least the next week to just rest and process the arrival of this new baby. I wouldn't expect a thing else from yourself of your husband for at least a week other than to process and be especially kind to one another. I know it's overwhelming to find out you're having another baby unexpectedly (both from personal experience 4 years ago and from talking to countless women in unplanned pregnancies) but hang in there - the fog will lift! Circumstances always change and adapt but abortion is irreversible and there is intrinsic blessing and wonder in each unique human being created. Rest and take good care of yourself. Do you have any friends/family that can help you get some time alone? I think it would be wise to be really patient with your husband this week, too, and pretty much attribute anything he says to processing. Maybe some of the other women on here would know about some other helps financially. Heather

[> [> [> Subject: Re: unplanned pregnancy--update Author: Laura [Edit] Date Posted: 07/10/06 11:20am Thank you all for your helpful words and prayers. I am trying to figure out how we can possibly increase our dwelling size. Right now we live in a 2 bedroom apt that isn't that big. I am also thinking about opening a daycare or at least watch a couple of infants during the day. This would bring in probably the same amount as I make now and I won't have to pay for daycare myself. Any other ideas that you knowledgable women out there may have would be greatly appreciated!!!! You gals have been such a great help! I am so glad I found this site. I just continue to hope my husband will come around. He is being kinda childish right now, not really talking to me and almost sulking. Any ideas on what I should or could do to help him with this??

[> [> [> [> Subject: Re: unplanned pregnancy--update Author: Heather [Edit] Date Posted: 07/10/06 6:43pm Hi Laura, It's good to hear your lifted countenance. About what to do regarding your husband, I'd say just giving him a little time and space to catch up with you is the best thing you can do for him. Being 'childish and little sulky' probably isn't very much fun for you, but it could be worse. My guess is that if you can hold out a week or so of just being kind and patient he'll probably accept the situation and begin to come around to celebrate and be the source of support you need right now. But if not, it's very doubtful that he'll be able to resist the joy and wonder of his newborn child, or perhaps the sooner 'reality' of feeling him/her inside you or seeing ultrasound pictures to help him visually. Your home daycare idea sounds like a great idea. If I wasn't already helping my husband with his business I might consider that. Heather

[> [> [> [> [> Subject: Re: unplanned pregnancy--update Author: Laura [Edit] Date Posted: 07/13/06 10:41am Does anyone out there have any experience in starting a daycare center?? Please e-mail me with your experiences so I have an idea of how to get started. Also, Does anyone have any info on housing help?? I've been trying to find a larger place but the rents in NJ are sooooo expensive that it is almost impossible. I would appreciate any and all advice out there. Thanks

[> [> [> [> [> [> Subject: Re: unplanned pregnancy--update Author: Heather [Edit] Date Posted: 07/13/06 10:43pm Hi Laura, Here's your first stop: This is the website and contact info for the home daycare licensing office in New Jersey. http://nrc.uchsc.edu/STATES/NJ/newjersey.htm They have some interesting info about running a home day care on the site as well as the number to call to get get licensed and it says it's current as of June 29th, 2006. I think it's a great idea! Heather

[> [> [> [> [> [> Subject: Re: unplanned pregnancy--update Author: Heather [Edit] Date Posted: 07/13/06 10:52pm Hi again, Wow, and here's a great one stop shop for information about financial and housing assistance available for pregnant women. It describes what each program is and what if offers and how best to find the right number to call. http://www.storknet.com/cubbies/parenting/finances.htm You can just cut and paste these links into your browser. How's your husband's adjustment going these days? And how are you doing? Heather

[> [> Subject: Re: unplanned pregnancy--update Author: Lisa [Edit] Date Posted: 07/ 7/06 12:17pm Hi again Laura! Well first I want to say Congrats, I know that may sound a little strange as you are struggling with this, but I feel you have been given a wonderful little baby! That said, the logistics will work out...I think your most important priority now is talking with your husband. As I have stated before, I only have one baby, so I can not tell you how things will go with him....but I think if you really want your baby (and I think you do!) you will stand your ground! How far along do you think you are? Ladies here are very good at financial things and Heather and Tracey both have 4 little ones, Tracey just had her fourth! I want you to know that we will try and help you. I can relate to financial struggles (as most on the board here can) and I know that is initally the most worriesome to women when they find themselves dealing with an unplanned pregnancy. I am sure your children would love a sibling and I know there are many ways to work things out finacially. We might need to know a little more about your situation to better help. I know you are scared and I have felt that feeling before. You are not alone though! You have all of us here and your baby is with you now too. Does your husband know your test was positive yet? Lisa

[> [> Subject: Re: unplanned pregnancy--update Author: Melanie [Edit] Date Posted: 07/ 7/06 2:35pm I am the oldest of 6. We didn't have a lot, either, but we managed and I never once thought that my brother and sisters made my life difficult (other than the usual sibling rivalry.) LOL A lot of how your children deal with the pregnancy and another sibling is primarily dependent on your own attitude, believe it or not. After my second one, I didn't see that the third added greatly to my expenses, especially not when they were younger. Hand me downs help, not much different food-wise. You should check out a Crisis Pregnancy center in your area. They generally have listings for community services and offer baby furnishings, clothing (baby & maternity), etc. that might help with expenses. --Melanie

[> [> Subject: Re: unplanned pregnancy--update Author: Tracey [Edit] Date Posted: 07/ 8/06 5:53am Laura~ Hey chicky! I know we've been keeping in contact via e-mail, but I just wanted to post to you today and let you know I am praying for you and this baby and this whole situation with your husband. Laura, this baby is no mistake...God already has a plan and a purpose for this child. I know you feel scared and alone right now. When I feel alone or scared or just plain unsure of the future, I remind myself that the Bible says, "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."(Jeremiah 29:11) I know you are unsure how you are going to do this financially. Have you called any of the numbers I gave you yet? If not, I hope you consider it. I can call any of the numbers for you ahead of time and make them aware of the situation if that would be easier for you. Just let me know. Laura, we promise to help in any and every way we can. You have found a safe and non-judgmental place. Feel free to post as often as you like or feel free to e-mail me. Laura, you are in my prayers today. Please continue to keep us posted! God bless, Tracey

[> [> [> Subject: Re: unplanned pregnancy--update Author: luka [Edit] Date Posted: 07/ 8/06 5:45pm Tracey you are sweetness itself :) I agree with your sentiments that god does have a plan for all of us. I believe that my baby's existence has allready brought about alot of changes in my life that were very long overdue. Being pregnant was such a shock and not at all what i expected but i feel so calm about it all now. Not to mention excited after seeing my baby on sonogram. I just know it's right. I will be called names and accused of this or that but when this little baby arrives i will look down at my child with enourmous pride and dare anyone to say that he or she didn't deserve to live. Much harder to look a living breathing human being and admit that you wished them away.

[> [> [> [> Subject: Re: unplanned pregnancy--update Author: Tracey (Laura, how are you doing?) [Edit] Date Posted: 07/15/06 3:47am Laura~ Hey honey! Just wanted to check in and see how you are doing! Any changes on your husband's attitude? I hope you got my card the other day! :) Did you go to that pregnancy center yet? If so, how did the appt. go? Laura, I want to encourage you that you CAN do this. I know financially it's going to be tough, but things just work out...they always do! I see God work every day in my life and sometimes I don't even realize it. The Bible tells us to call on Him with our desires and he He will even carry your heavy burdens. He loves you SO much Laura! This child is no accident! Laura, we're here for you and we love and support you! I'm praying God will touch your heart today and show you His love! Have a wonderful day and please continue to keep us posted! God bless, Tracey

[> [> [> [> [> Subject: Re: unplanned pregnancy--update Author: Laura (Not Great) [Edit] Date Posted: 07/17/06 2:07pm Hey Tracey, My husband still insists on the abortion. He feels as if we just can't do it emotionally or financially. We are so stressed now with what we have that he just is soooo against it. Don't know what to do. I'm scared to go through with it. Laura

[> [> [> [> [> [> Subject: Re: unplanned pregnancy--update Author: Heather [Edit] Date Posted: 07/17/06 4:53pm Hi Laura, My heart goes out to you. Is there any way your husband will consider counseling? They even offer it free for couples at Pregnancy Resource Centers. Hang in there and go with your insticts. If you don't want to abort your baby you don't have to. I'm all for respecting husbands, but there are a few exceptions of what can be asked of a wife that are not appropriate to honor. I totally understand where he's coming from. He just isn't able to see the big picture and he's overwhelmed. I will keep both of you in prayer. With Kindness, Heather PS - If you missed it, I responded about some leads on starting your own daycare, etc.

[> [> [> [> [> [> Subject: Re: unplanned pregnancy--update Author: Melanie [Edit] Date Posted: 07/19/06 12:39am Hi Laura, I pretty much will just add my prayers to go along with Heather's. I am kind of wondering how pressuring you is helping your emotional state? Have you asked him how it will effect you emotionally and your relationship if you have to go ahead with something you are so against personally? If you go ahead with an abortion and fall apart, is he going to care for you and the kids for as long as it takes? Maybe there is no convincing him, but I hope some good questions asked with due respect might cause at least a little thinking. At any rate, hang in there.. my prayers are with you. --Melanie

[> [> [> [> Subject: Re: unplanned pregnancy--update Author: Sharon [Edit] Date Posted: 07/17/06 5:11pm Laura, I suggest you invite your husband to post here. We could help encourage him maybe help him to see that bringing this little person into the world most certainly is possible. There is a lot of support available out there if you know where to look for it. And, things always seem bleakest just before the dawn. Hang in there. Be strong for yourself and for your little one. Your husband will be grateful to you someday that you stood strong and didn't let him talk you into aborting his child... God bless you. Sharon